2011 in Review

I can finally say, "Tomorrow is the day!"  Our first ultrasound is at 0830 tomorrow and I am so nervous/excited. I am excited to find out how many we have in there but more than that I am excited to find out that we have a healthy baby growing in there and to hopefully hear/see the heartbeat. 

I haven't been feeling many symptoms but one that is persistent is definitely the exhaustion.  I had doubts as to whether Christmas dinner was even going to be made because SIL and I spent the afternoon snoozing on the couch. I didn't even get dressed this year--Okay, I did get dressed but just in clean pajamas.  I have been so flipping tired and last night I even broke the Cardinal Rule of, "Thou shalt not fall asleep during a Harry Potter Marathon!" ::gasp:: I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore so I took a little nap and then we finished the movie later.

It's hard to believe 2011 is coming to a close. SO much has happened this year and it's just totally flown by so I thought I'd take a few minutes to reflect on the ups and downs of this past year.

1. What did you do in 2011 you never did before?

Went to England!!!!
IUI/Surgery/IVF
Watched the entire World Series from start to finish (Go Cards!)
Cut down a Christmas tree
Went to a professional soccer match

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year I made the promise to myself that I was going to try to get rid of negativity in my life. I succeeded somewhat by eliminating a few things (and people) from my life.

For 2012:

To take excellent care of myself so that I can have a healthy pregnancy and L&D

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my sister had my beautiful niece, Charlotte, in October!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. We recently lost four pilots in a training accident but they weren't close to me.

5. What countries did you visit?

England

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A successful pregnancy, more patience (hello annoying customers!) and the ability to just slow down and take it easy without feeling guilty.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

May 25--the day we left for the UK
August 27--the day of my laparoscopy
November 25--the day of my egg retreival

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally getting pregnant. Hands down.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Hmm, I'm not sure that I really failed at anything this year other than our four IUIs.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Infertility but other than that I've been very healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to the UK, my Kindle, my embroidery machine and a round of IVF

12. Where did most of your money go?

Fertility treatments and a trip to England

13. What did you get really excited about?

Our trip to the UK, the birth of Charlotte and finding out that I was finally pregnant.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2011?Party Rock Anthem-- LMFAO. Hands down.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or Sadder: Happier

Thinner or Fatter: Fatter.  My weight has been fluctuating this year because of all the damn drugs I've been on.

Richer or poorer: Probably a little poorer just because of all the infertility treatments we've done. 

16. What do you wish you'd done more of:

Exercise, hiking, walks with the dogs, just get out of the house more.

17. What do you wish you had done less of:

Stressing, crying

18. How did you spend Christmas?

My brother and SIL drove down from Seattle and spent a few days with us. It was fun!

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Parenthood

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Hunger Games Trilogy

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

LMFAO and Adele

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and The Muppets

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

Gosh, how sad is it that I can't even remember what I did on my birthday this year? I was 27 though.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being debt free and not having to go through all the infertility struggles we went through.

25. What kept you sane?

Mike, my fur-kids and the support and love of my family.

26. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

That it is possible to see the light again, no matter how dark and twisty of place you're in. Things do get better and dreams are worth fighting for. Happy New Year's, dear readers!

Is It Really That Surprising?

I had to sign an authorization form so that the REI Clinic on post would release my records to the civilian clinic for our IVF consult next week. When I called the IVF coordinator on post, she sounded genuinely shocked that we were looking into other options, which totally blows my mind.  For those who have been reading my blog for the last several months, you are familiar with the endless cycle of problems I have had with the clinic. For my new readers, I will do my best to explain:

Last summer, after 20 months of TTC, I finally got my referral to the infertility clinic but they had no availability until September.  At my first appointment the 2LT looked confused when I handed him my 19 months worth of charts and looked at me like I had three heads. I was given the dx of unexplained infertility and they refused to do further blood work on me since I'm "young."  There was no availability for my HSG until the end of October and when I expressed my frustration to one of the nurses she asked, "What is your rush?"  Seriously? My followup after my HSG wasn't until 6 December due to lack of availability. The technicians who did my HSG told me that everything appeared to be normal and I never received a phone call telling me otherwise, but when I went to my followup, an idiot resident told me that I had an unknown mass in my uterus--something she'd never seen before. Because of my "abnormal" HSG I had to have a hysteroscopy and had to wait until January due to lack of availability.  At this point we went to the Tricare office to seek a referral off post--we were sick of the waiting game and constantly being told that they couldn't see us. We were denied.  In January, I had my hysteroscopy and there was absolutely nothing abnormal in my uterus and we were FINALLY given the all clear to start Clomid.The doctor said the goal would be to produce multiple follicles so that we would have an increased chance of conceiving.

On CD 1 in February, I called the clinic so that I could get my first prescription of Clomid. I was so excited to finally get some treatment started! I called the clinic several times but no one answered and I became increasingly concerned that I wouldn't get my Rx before the three day weekend (For those unfamiliar with Clomid, you have to start it on a specific day in your cycle.)  After no one returned my calls, Mike called patient advocacy and explained that this wasn't the first time we've had issues with the clinic--the IF clinic called me back right away and was highly annoyed that we had called PA.  We did Clomid Cycle #1 and I only produced one follicle. I requested more blood work and was once again told that I was "young" and didn't need it.  When I questioned their Clomid dosage and only producing one follicle, I was assured that it was "quality over quantity."  Clomid cycle #2 produced one follicle on my left hand side--that was in March and I have not produced any follicles on that side since. After four failed Clomid Cycles and two IUIs, we were "allowed" to move on to Femara. I saw a different doctor at this point and questioned (again) why I never had any other lab work done--he was more than happy to order CD3 labs for me as well as thyroid check as well as add us to the waiting list for IVF in July of 2012.  My thyroid came back normal but my AMH came back at .87, suggesting DOR, but I was still brushed off when voicing my concerns.  In July, I was going to start my first Femara cycle and when I went to the lab to do my urinalysis, there was no record of it in the system--the nurses never put in the order. My prescription wasn't in the pharmacy either so I had to make the 40 minute trek to post two days in a row because of their "forgetfulness." When I tried to schedule my monitoring ultrasound, they told me there weren't any appointments available and to just do OPKs to detect my surge. I insisted that I be monitored (I knew better thanks to all my boards!) and begged them to double book me--I would have rather waited than not be seen at all. Seriously, what kind of IF clinic prescribes fertility meds and doesn't do proper monitoring?! When I went in for my follicle scan, they had no record of my appointment. When we went back to the room the nurse had the entirely wrong information for me. ::head desk::

Femara cycle #1 + IUI #3 turned up a BFN and at this point the doctor finally sat us down and talked to our diagnose of unexplained infertility. He still gave my AMH and LH levels no credence but did give present us the opportunity to do a diagnostic laparoscopy. At this point I sought another referral to see a civilian clinic, to get a second opinion before proceeding with a surgery and more expensive treatments. Once again, I was denied.  I was told to expect a call from Patient Advocacy but I never heard anything from them.  We did decide to proceed with the laparoscopy in search of answers and we did get them--but not without complications. I received the diagnosis of Stage I Endometriosis and found out that my left fallopian tube is partially blocked due to left ovary adhesions, which is likely the cause that I never produce any follicles on my left side. The complication was the piece of plastic that the effing resident left behind in my vagina during surgery. Are you still wondering why we want to look into other options?

This month was our second round of Femara and now that most of the endo had been removed, we were given an increased chance of conception. We decided to try IUI one more time, post endo removal.  When I called to schedule my monitoring appointment, I was once again told that they had no availability but this time I was able to say, "My left fallopian tube is partially blocked so we really want to make sure that I have follicles on my right side before paying for IUI." I went to my appointment and they had no record of it ever being scheduled. Sound familiar? I did end up having two follicles on my right side and we decided to go for IUI #4.  It was a BFN. We are now at the point where we know that IUI is most likely not going to work for us and that we need to consider IVF. Yes, we're on the list on post (We've been moved up to the May cycle)and although the IVF would be done at a somewhat discounted rate, I would be just one woman in a large group of women cycling all at the same time.

As if all this wasn't enough, yesterday I was waiting on a fax with the paperwork I needed to sign to release my records. It never came.  No one answered when I called the office so I couldn't get the fax number I needed.  I ended up sending a fax to the OB/GYN department and had to request that they deliver the fax to the nurse in the REI Clinic.  When I finally spoke with the REI nurse, she asked me if I'd like to be moved up to the May cycle and sounded annoyed and sincerely astonished that we would be looking into care elsewhere.  I wanted to say to her, "Are you seriously surprised?"

There are plenty of women who have absolutely loved and raved about their experience with the REI Clinic. It's been my observation that the majority of these women were able to get pregnant within a few cycles of Clomid and I have yet to personally meet anyone who has made it "this far" with the clinic. Throughout my entire journey with the REI Clinic on post, I have felt like a part on an assembly line and have never received individualized care. We have had problem after problem and do not feel like we can fully trust the clinic or the doctors. I do not want to be part of a large group during an IVF cycle.  I want focus and dedication and I don't want to have to fight to be seen.  I want to be able to talk to someone the first time I call and not have to wait all day for someone to call me back.  Am I expecting too much? Are my standards too high? I have been told repeatedly that I need to go in and talk to Patient Advocacy about all of this but I honestly feel like it wouldn't do any good. At this point, we are desperate to find a doctor that is truly invested in helping us become parents, to make our dreams come true, and I do not think that we are going to find that at an Army hospital.

IUI #4

BFN.

I had to hide in my sister's bathroom so I could have a long cry in private. I clearly didn't think about how hard it was going to be to deal with a failed cycle while being around a newborn. This blows.

For now, I'm going to play with Madeline and give Charlotte lots of kisses. In about an hour, my other sister, my brother in law and my oldest niece and nephew will be here. I sincerely hope that I can keep it together and enjoy this weekend with my family.

Mike and I need to have a long talk when we get home (he's in the field while I'm in Ohio). We need to get rid of a few things in our budget to allow us to save more money for IVF. I'm pretty sure we're done with IUIs and I think I am done with treatments for a few months, at least for now. We've been doing testing and treatments for a year straight. I need a break. The holidays are hard enough without all the ultrasounds, appointments and extra emotions that come with fertility meds. To make it worse, we can't afford to fly (and board our zoo) to spend the holidays with family since we have to save for IVF.  I don't know what's next for us but for now we'll be taking a little time off.

Fuck you infertility.

'Twas the Night Before......Your Period

Thanks to KMY at One Girl...One Boy...One Beautiful Marriage for sharing!

ODE TO INFERTILITY

‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.

The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,

in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.

Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,

while visions of cramps start to come before bed.

You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,

you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.

But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,

so why does this test never show those two lines?

And you cry on the floor until you are ill,

tomorrow you’ll refuse your prenatal pill.

“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”

“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”

We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,

but each month all we do is pee on that stick.

We know more about ovulation than our family doc,

so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!

We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,

but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.

My spouse has more sex than in our newly weds years,

but this time, he’s not bragging to all of his peers.

So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,

Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!

__________________________________________________________________________

11DPIUI and another BFN this morning. I am testing using the early detection internet cheapies that are supposed to detect as little as 10mIu/ml and according to Dr. Google (I know--baaaad!) I should have at least that much HCG in my system, if I were pregnant. Still not spotting though so I am refusing to give up hope!

World, meet Charlotte.

Kissable Cheeks!

Well, I'm the proud aunt of another beautiful little girl! Charlotte Elise arrived on 7 October, measuring 21.5 inches long and weighing in at 10lbs 5oz! (Side note: If you're a Cure fan you'll understand where her name came from! <3 ) She doesn't even fit in the hats I made her because she's already too big! She is so sweet and makes tiny, squeaky noises. She doesn't feel like a new baby because she's so big and I looooove to cuddle her.  My sister is doing well but still pretty sore, since this is her third c-section. She will be home tomorrow or Tuesday and I can't wait until I can love on Charlotte all day long and not just for a few hours.

Here are a few more pictures from Charlotte's birthday and the days since!

Madeline and I made cupcakes to take to the hospital so we could sing "Happy Birthday"

Sisters.

Madeline and Annabelle dressed up for their Dance Party

If you know me IRL, you know that I'm a terrible dancer. However, there's just something about being with kids that causes the inner "soul train" to come out and so I planned a dance party for Annabelle and Madeline. Just me and the girls. No adults allowed. ;)  I created a playlist with the likes of LMFAO, Black_Eyed_Peas, Michael_Jackson, Lemonade_Mouth (for Annabelle!) Princess_DisneyMania, Lady_Gaga, Jessie_J and many more. Madeline, who's three, kept requesting Lady_Gaga. Haha!


They had a lot of fun putting on makeup and dressing up and right before bed Madeline said, "I had much fun for my dance party!" I think it was a success. I know I had fun. I love making memories like this!  I've been exhausted since I got here--I guess waking up at 0330 Seattle time will do that to a girl! It's all worth it though.

I was really nervous to go to the hospital the first time. Being on a maternity ward when you're infertile is obviously not an ideal situation. Surprisingly though, seeing Charlotte in the hospital was not hard on me at all. I don't know, maybe it's because she's family and I know I hold a special place in her life, but her birth has not affected me me in the same way my friends' pregnancies and births have. Hell, even strangers' and acquaintances' pregnancies are hard to handle and I recently had to un-friend two people on Facebook after they announced their pregnancies on their walls.  One was particularly bad considering the week before she had written me a long message letting me know that she prayed for me often and just knew I was going to be a good mom. The next week she announced she was going into the 2nd Tri. Both of them seemed to take an interest in my infertility journey, always "liking" statuses and posts, which made their casual FB announcements hurt all the more.  :sigh:
Staying busy with the girls has definitely help me keep my mind off things too, which has been great.  I am 10DPIUI and got a BFN this morning. There was an evap line there an hour later but obviously that does not count. :/ The good news is that I don't have any spotting so I am still keeping my fingers crossed. While I am here I plan on getting all the good baby juju that I can. Maybe I need to shake Charlotte a little bit to get some baby dust out of her!

Aunt Megan and Charlotte

Lucky Socks Day

MY LUCKY SOCKS

Spermination #4 is complete!  Mike's count and motility, as usual, was well above normal and totally awesome--the nurse said it was one of the highest all week. Whether that's actually true or not, I don't know, but it made him feel good so that's all that matters. The actual insemination was more painful than usual today and the nurse was unable to get the catheter all the way through my cervix. I had very intense twinges of pain and I am still cramping three hours later.  The position was still good but just not quite where the little soldiers needed to go. Great, another thing for me to analyze and worry over!

She mentioned that I had, "very healthy cervical mucous" to which Mike made a disgusted face.  We had a good laugh over that when I said, "What, that doesn't turn you on?"  When I was texting this story to my friend, my phone's auto-correct wrote "The nurse said I had very healthy cervical music."  My friend said, "Music? Hahaha. It's so awesome it's musical!"  A good sense of humor is essential to surviving infertility. My nurse loved my lucky socks today. I hope the sparkly shamrocks bring us lots of good luck! Now, we wait......


Have you SEEN this commercial? Talk about a tear jerker. I thought I even saw Mike's eyes glistening a little bit when we saw it last week....

IUI #4

Well, cycle #34 is in full swing and I finished the last of my Femara a few days ago.  I didn't notice the label on the bottle last time I took it.  Notice anything odd? Yeah.....I'm taking the medicine to help get me pregnant but I shouldn't take the medicine if I plan to become pregnant. Did you get that?

I had my follicle scan yesterday morning. I arrived at the clinic promptly at 0745 and they had no record of my appointment. Again. Luckily, they saw me right away and thankfully my right side is still a rock star!  Before my laparoscopy last month, we were always wondering why my left side never or rarely produced any follicles and now we know why. Thankfully I still have one good ovary and totally clear tube and "rightie" produced two follicles this month--a 15.5 and 16.5.  By the time we do our IUI they should be fully mature at 19.5 and 20.5.

The IUI...oh the IUI! It was originally scheduled for Friday at 0900 but Mike came home from work last night incredibly stressed and pissed off because Uncle Sam decided to move up his training by a week and send him away at 0dark30 on Friday morning.  Right away I called the clinic to see if we could move our appointment up a date but of course it was after hours and I had to talk to an answering service.  I left a message and thankfully the clinic called back as soon as they opened this morning---they DO have a spot for us tomorrow and we will be doing our IUI at 0900 tomorrow morning.

Because our IUI was pushed up, I had to administer the trigger shot myself and I was a nervous wreck, which is pretty funny considering the needle is teeny tiny, but I survived! I'm feeling very hopeful this cycle too. Of course there comes a point where every cycle feels like "the one" but I'm really optimistic this time around. Maybe it's because we finally have answers and most of the endo is gone. Combine that with the recent HSG and two follicles and I'd say our chances are pretty good this month! While the idea of twins would scare most people, I can honestly say that it I would be extremely excited and thrilled! If this cycle works, I would be due in June. See how optimistic I'm being? I never let myself think this way! What lucky socks should I wear???

I'm flying out to Ohio in one week to help care for my nieces while my sister and brother in law are in the hospital for the arrival of baby girl #3. I'm super excited and can't wait to see how the girls have changed since I saw them in England and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to holding my newest niece in my arms! I've never held a brand new baby. I know it's going to be a struggle emotionally but I just know it will be wonderful.

I'm glad I will be in Ohio during my 2WW and hopefully it will help it go quickly. I'll try to post while I'm away but I'm sure those little girls will be keeping me extremely busy!

Lucky #34?

AF finally arrived late last night, with very little spotting beforehand--a good sign of things to come?   I was hoping my severe menstrual pain would have disappeared with my endo removal but it hasn't. I still slept with a heating pad shoved between my legs.  =( Since we're still on the waiting list (and will be for quite awhile) for IVF on post, we're going to continue to do ovulation induction + IUI for now. We'll probably do another three cycles of IUI before calling it quits, which would make three IUIs pre-surgery/diagnosis and three post-surgery/endo removal.  My RE feels confident that I'll be able to get pregnant and we won't have to move to IVF, but I'm being cautiously optimistic. I'll start Femara tomorrow and hopefuly we'll be doing IUI by late next week! Here's to lucky #34

Post-op Follow Up

I had my post-surgery follow up appointment this morning. My shiny new Windows Phone makes waiting in the horrible waiting room so much less awkward. You see, the geniuses who planned the clinic set it up so the ob/gyn clinic is right next door, with the reception for both clinics in the middle of the two. So when I'm waiting for my appointments, I get to hear people on the other side of the desk booking ultrasound appointments and scheduling their prenatal care. The grass is always greener, right?

While I was waiting, a female soldier sat across from me in the waiting room. A few minutes later her husband came from the back holding a biohazard bag and exclaimed rather loudly, "Wow. That was awkward." Hahaha! I don't think he expected me to be in the waiting room. His wife handed something to him and he said, "Should I go back in the bathroom and do that?" It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing. Poor guy. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that we'd all been there. Oh, the joys of infertility....

My follow up appointment went well. I wasn't expecting to find out anything I didn't already know since I had already seen my RE for the alien plastic two weeks ago. What I wasn't expecting was to be seen by the idiot resident who left the plastic inside me! At first I thought Dr. C. sent her in so that she could apologize to me but I was wrong. She didn't even bring it up! She checked out my incisions and made a remark about my bruising--  if only she'd seen me last week! Ouch.  When she was done checking me out she brought in Dr. C. and we discussed what our new plan of action is going to be.

If you remember my first post that I made after surgery, you will remember that the laparoscopy revealed a substantial amount of endometriosis on my left side. I was informed that my left ovary  is covered with endometriosis and is adhered to my pelvic wall at such an angle that my left fallopian tube is partially blocked. It was too risky to remove the adhesions because of their location and removing the endo from my ovary is not an option at this point, as they would likely have to take part of an otherwise healthy ovary along with the affected tissue.  As if that wasn't enough, today I found out that my left side is basically worthless and that my left tube is also partially adhered to my bowels. As much as this totally sucks, it is so incredibly refreshing to finally have some answers. EVERYTHING from our infertility, my spotting before periods, my intense menstrual cramps, my painful intercourse and the incredibly painful bowel movements during my period finally makes sense!

So, where do we go from here? Dr. C. put my mind at ease and said that my pain is normal since I'm still healing and that we won't worry about it unless I'm still in pain after six weeks. Although the majority of my endometriosis has been removed, my left side is basically unhealthy and unreliable. While I may in fact produce follicles on my left side, there's no guarantee that the eggs will go where the need to go since my tube is partially blocked. The good news is that my right side is perfectly healthy and always produces rock star follicles. Dr. C. is confident that now that our chances of conception are higher now that most of the endo is gone. Mike and I are going to continue to do ovulation induction but stick with timed intercourse for now and see where that leads us. Who knows, we may end up doing a few more IUI cycles too.

I really have a gut feeling that we're going to end up needing to do IVF to finally get our baby. I'm praying, of course, that this is not the case but I can just feel it. We're still on the waiting list for the IVF program through our military hospital and as of right now we won't be able to cycle until July of next year. They've told us that there is a good chance we could cycle in as soon as 6 to 8 months though, which would be fantastic providing we have the money saved by then. For now, we've decided to stick with the infertility clinic on post and see how the next few months go. Let's hope that we won't even have to decide between infertility clinics but instead choose between an OB or midwife!

Cycle #31

AF officially arrived yesterday at 15dpiui and it's safe to say IUI #3 was a failure. Now I have surgery to look forward to. I need to call the clinic and schedule it but I don't expect them to be able to see me anytime soon.
Mike opened to me this weekend, in his own way, and it was wonderful. I won't go into details but he is supportive of my decision to seek out a second opinion at the clinic in Olympia.  I'm not even sure if they're accept new patients but my first step will be to see my PCM about a referral and I have an appointment tomorrow at 1030! I think he's mostly worried about having to start from square one with all the testing and I hope that isn't the case. I want to check out the doctor, see if we'd be comfortable at his office and go from there. I've read a lot of good things about him. He personally calls his patients with all their results, only takes vacation once a year, is available all hours of the night for L&D, and truly gets invested in his patients. It is kind of mind boggling to think about seeing the same doctor at every appointment and to be doing an IVF cycle in a matter of months rather than a year is pretty exciting as well. He gives a 50% military discount so we could do two IVF cycles with him for the price of one at Madigan.  There are even more discounts if you donate your extra embryos to his research but I am not sure how I feel about that. I do know one thing--it will be really nice to be seen as an individual patient and not just another part of the baby making assembly line.

Just call me Betty, Bitter Betty.

It's amazing how much a good cry takes out of you. When Mike got home from work last night I showed him my flowers and immediately started to tear up again. He wrapped his arms around me and I the flood of emotions I've been bottling up inside for months just started pouring out.  It's not fair that 14 year olds can get pregnant on their first time having sex. Or the woman who will deliver a crack-addicted baby? Or the teenagers who just graduated high school? Or my friend who got knocked up on R&R? The friend who expected me to understand her facebook pregnancy announcement.  Why would she think otherwise? Fertile people don't know anything about what it's like to go through the pain of months of negatives, despite your perfect timing and accurate charting, numerous painful procedures and tests or what it's like to have no idea the  actual number of people to have seen your vajayjay. They have no idea the incredible frustration we feel because we have no idea WHY I'm not getting pregnant. I've had friends say that they were really concerned and were so upset when they weren't pregnant after 2-3 months. You know what? Fuck you. Try 30. 30 God damn months.
How could anyone that gets pregnant so easily really understand that? I resent them. Call me bitter, but I resent them. Is it right for me to do so? No. After all, it's not their fault they are fertile fucking myrtle just as it's not my "fault" that my uterus is defective.
After my long cry, we curled up on the couch and watched Notting Hill, one of my all-time "feel good" movies. It's even better now that we've actually been to London.  Right now I have a potato casserole in the oven for the FRG picnic that I'm terrified to go to. After the week I've had, I don't think it will take much for someone to set me off and I am so tired of putting on a happy face because people don't know how to respond if I tell them what is really going on with us.  Combine that with the fact that I'm 13dpiui and most likely pms'ing, I wouldn't exactly call myself Susie Sunshine right now.

I've had zero spotting, which is abnormal for me since I normally spot 3-4 days before AF. No sore boobs, no bloating, nothing.  Fertility Friend has my test day as Sunday and I'm terrified to test. I do not want to see another negative as this was our last shot before moving on to surgery and IVF. Part of me is glad that this is our last month of drugs and IUI because it's just way too exhausting.  With each month that passes you tell yourself, "Okay. I'm not going to get my hopes up this month." It never works. You still put all your faith and hope that this month is going to be your month and when it isn't, it's like a part of your heart dies. A part of your heart dies and you never really get it back.  You lose a bit of yourself with each BFN, even more so during the months where you took fertility drugs and felt like you actually had a chance at a BFP.

I'm terrified that I may never become a mom; that it may never happen for us and that I will forever be the "cool aunt." After the roller coaster of these past six months, I have to say that I am kind of looking forward to our break in treatments.  The stressful phone calls to the RE, the trips to the lab for another pregnancy test that I know is going to be negative, the long waits in the pharmacy, the monitoring ultrasounds and the trips to SRM for the IUI.  Looking back, I can't believe how naive I was. I used to think that all I needed was a trip to the RE to get me pregnant. What a foolish thought. 

Envy, Pride and Football.

Mike and I wanted to go to this match since we got home from England. Remember I blogged a bit about the ManU/Barcelona game that was going on when we were in London?  We got lucky and ended up finding a girl on post with tickets that she needed to sell. We got both tickets for the price of what one normally cost so we got a good deal! It was my first professional soccer match and so much fun, even if the Sounders did get their asses whooped by the bloody English. It was a beautiful day to watch a game. About 75-78 degrees and the sun was peeking out through the clouds. The whole entry of the players, the music and the waving of the flags reminded me of a Quidditch match--dork alert!   I thought that the Sounders would be able to at least hang with Man U, and they did for the first half, but the second half was just shameful.  It was a friendly, which means that it doesn't go on either teams' record and it was just for fun, so Seattle took out some of their best players after half time. Exchanged their goal keeper and several other key players. At about this same time Man U put in Rooney who is probably their best player.  He scored two goals before my brother was even back from his bathroom break. Six goals in the second half by Man U. Sounders lost 7 to nil. That's like losing a football game 40 to zero. lt'd be like the Yankees traveling to England and playing them in baseball. The level of play in the MLS vs. the European League was obvious. It was still a fantastic time though and I'm glad my  brother was nice enough to give up his cozy corporate box ticket to come sit in the nose bleeds with his baby sister since Mike couldn't come (He gave his ticket to another co-worker so it all worked out.) We want to go to another game soon, an inter-league game so that the level of play is more equal.
 
One of the plus sides to NOT being pregnant is that I can consume as much tasty beer as I want but at $9 a pop in the stadium, I limited myself to two. Both CenturyLink field (where the Sounders and Seahawks play) and Safeco Field (where the Mariners play) have great beer selections and veggie options for food so it's always a great time going to any sporting event.

Me & my big brother.

Sound Wave

National Anthem

Beautiful Seattle

Emerald City Supporters

Largest MLS crowd in Pacific NW history!

Score at Full Time. Wow.

So for a full 90 minutes last night I got to forget the reality of infertility. I forgot about that "not an apology" e-mail I got and still have no idea how to respond to.  I forgot about the "left behind" feeling I got when I found out that a dear e-friend of mine, who has also been struggling with infertility, got a natural BFP yesterday and is six weeks pregnant. I'm sure all of you know what feeling I'm talking about. You say you're happy for them, you SHOULD be happy for them but the actual feeling of happiness, of pure elation, never comes and because it doesn't come, the guilt and resentment starts to overtake you.
It's one thing to be jealous of my friend who just announced via FB that baby #3, an R&R baby, is on its way. She didn't have to "work" for any of her babies. As a matter of fact, this is the same friend who told me to "just have fun with it!" and that I would get pregnant. Her own sister "struggled" for a year, but they weren't really trying because she had a big cruise and didn't want to be pregnant in a bikini. Gag me. Her sister did end up being diagnosed as annovulatory but got pregnant on her first cycle of Clomid and now has a beautiful baby boy. I can't resent my friend too much because she knows virtually nothing on the pain of true infertility and I don't feel guilty for the animosity I have toward her right now.
Feeling resentment toward my miraculous-natural-bfp friend is a completely different story. I can't post too many details because she hasn't announced her pregnancy on the interwebs yet and I don't want to give anything away, but I feel so guilty having all these feelings of bitterness, exclusion, jealousy and envy. This is a women who has STRUGGLED to get the baby in her womb. Hell, she and I have "known" each other since Mike and I first started TTC in Feb 2008. She was there for me when Mike deployed a second time and she's basically the first person I talk to when I need to vent. We've basically been through hell and back together and she was told she'd never be able to have kids naturally, that she'd need the help of IVF with ICSI and yet she's pregnant. All on her own. A true miracle and all I can think is "When is it going to be my turn?" and feel left behind, which is SO selfish and self-centered. So, dear e-friend, I know you're reading this and I do want you to know that I am so, so happy and excited for you but right now all those "dark and twisty" feelings are taking over. I'll be better in a few days.

Today I am 12dpiui. The 2ww is almost over and so far I have zero spotting, no sore boobs, no bloating, nothing. I have little faith that this cycle is going to be it. It hurts too much to hope anymore. Tomorrow we have a FRG picnic to attend on post. I'm semi looking forward to it but not really. Most people would look at it as an opportunity to make new friends (which we badly need) but all I can think is, "Oh great. 300 new people to ask me, yet again, if we want kids." I hope it's not too difficult.I really wish I could hop a cab to Tiffany's to get rid of these mean reds.

IUI #3

Well, it's done! I have been sperminated.  We had to drive up to Seattle for the procedure since the satellite clinic in Tacoma isn't open on the weekends. It was a beautiful day though and we were able to have lunch on Lake Union, in the harbor, while they were doing the semen washing.

Mike was a rock star again---completely blowing the normal ranges out of the water. His count was lower than the previous two IUIs but still very good. I joked with him and said that his count last month was super high because of all the fortification from the English beer.

I had some cramping and spotting last night but nothing too terrible. Today my right side is definitely feeling twinges and fullness so I know I must be O'ing today. So begins the two week wait. I hope it goes by quickly for me and all of you as well.

On the drive home yesterday I was talking to Mike about how last summer the doctors told us he might have a motility problem and how upset I was thinking that we'd have to do IUI to get pregnant. I never thought we'd be where we are now.  A year ago the idea of needing medical help to conceive was unfathomable and now look at us! IUI #3 done and moving onto surgery and IVF. For anyone at the beginning of your infertility journey, my suggestion to you is to keep an open mind about treatments. Never say, "I'll never do that" because you won't really know the decision you'll make until you're ready to cross that bridge. I still can't believe that we are going to need the help of IVF to grow our family or that we even had to make a decision like this!

Yesterday we bought Seattle Sounders vs Man UTD tickets for the 20th. Super excited as I've never been to a professional football/soccer game and after seeing all the crazed football fans in London we can't wait! The girl I bought the tickets from is an Army wife as well. A new Army Wife. Class of 2010 and almost halfway through her pregnancy.  The thoughts running through my head weren't so nice and I'm pretty sure I'd get in a hellofalot of trouble for throat punching a pregnant lady, right?  Infertility is so unfair.

This is It.

My appointment didn't start off so well. I arrived at the infertility clinic and it was really, really busy. I guess it is because they are doing an IVF cycle right now. When I gave the receptionist my ID she asked, "Did they just book this appointment?" She didn't have me down! This is the appointment I had to fight for last week, remember? I was about to lose it on someone but luckily they straightened it out and I had a seat in the waiting area. It's always so lovely when I have to wait for an extended period of time considering the OB booking desk is just on the other side of the infertility clinic. Whoever planned the layout of the new clinic is a total idiot.

While I was waiting I saw a lady come in once, get sent away and then come in a second time absolutely furious. They hadn't put in her labs---sound familiar? At least I'm not the only one having such a hard time with them. 

Mike ended up being able to come with me since he finished at the range early so we both went back to the room and waited to see the doc. The nurse had me down taking Clomid, that I was 5' 6" and day 14 on my cycle. Double you tee eff. This clinic really needs to get it's shit together. My blood pressure was high and she asked, "Do you normally have high blood pressure or just when you come to see us?" Oh if she only knew.

Once again, my left ovary was taking the month off but I have several follies on my right. One 19.5 that is nice and ripe and several smaller ones that won't be doing anything. I got my trigger shot and we're going up to Seattle tomorrow for IUI #3.

Dr. C sat and talked with us for a long while, which was very much appreciated considering everything that is going on.  He talked to me about my low AMH and said that it does mean that we're working against a clock but that we shouldn't be too concerned just yet. If I don't get pregnant this cycle we will do CD3 labs at my request though he feels like they unnecessary because of my everything else in my cycle is normal.  Because I'm 27 he would expect the quality of my eggs to still be good but obviously this is only something we can figure out once we get to the IVF stage. For now he presented us with a few options:
#1 Continue to do ovulation induction and IUI. We could definitely continue doing this but the cumulative success rate for IUI decreases each month. He feels that there wouldn't be much point in continuing this protocol after IUI #3 since most women who achieve pregnancy do so in the first three months.  Plus, that's money that could go into our IVF fund.
#2 Diagnostic laparosocopy. This is highly recommended before pursuing IVF and there is the chance they could get in there and be able to "fix" whatever it is that is keeping me from conceiving on my own.

#3 IUI with stims. He doesn't normally like to do this because the risk of OHSS is so high coupled with increased risk of multiples. He said that IUI + stims shows no increased chance of conception when compared to clomid or femara cycles. It'd basically be a more aggressive protocol than what  we're doing now but without an increased chance of getting pregnant. 
#4 Move straight to IVF.  Well, not really. There's still the long ass waiting list of course. We did find out, however, that IVF without ICSI is closer to 6k and with ICSI is around 8k (I'm guessing the 7,500 that Dr. B. told us about last time.) The wait time may actually decrease because they are going to start doing cycles more regularly plus people PCS, get pregnant on their own or just decide to take themselves off the list entirely. Dr. C said we might be able to cycle as soon as 6-8 months. Until then, I guess we'll be trying the old fashioned way. It didn't work for us for the first 20 months so there's no reason to think it'd work now.

Overall it was a great appointment. I really appreciated the time he took to sit and talk with us about our concerns; I just wish he'd done it sooner.  Who knows? Maybe he doesn't talk to his patients about all the options because most of them get pregnant right away?  I really wish the logistics of the clinic would get worked out though. They seriously need to work on scheduling and following through with things. 

 It's so bizzare to be moving forward with IVF and feeling total okay with it. I remember how upset I was last summer when we thought Mike had low motility and that we'd have to do IUI to get pregnant. The idea of not being able to get pregnant on my own was heart wrenching and now I can talk about IUI and IVF in my sleep. Mike and I have talked about it and agreed that while the idea of surgery completely sucks, that is the option we need to go with for now.  Surgery will most likely be late August or September. At this point, we've also agreed for this to be our final IUI and to start saving for IVF. If I don't get pregnant I will be calling the clinic on day one and scheduling my lap. After that, we'll see where to go from there....

Has My Body Failed Me Again?

The spotting started yesterday. 9 freaking days post-IUI.  I'm 11dpo today and the spotting has intensified. Just like it does every single month when the bitch's arrival is imminent. This isn't "Hmm...I've never had spotting like this before." This is "this shit happens every month" spotting.  My vow to stay away from Dr. Google has already been broken thanks to this stupid spotting.  I know it's early and that it's not over until the fat lady sings but I'm 99% sure that IUI #2 was a a big fat failure. 

So...what does that mean for us? Well, it means we'll be moving on to Femara + IUI next month. The RE told me that he doesn't like to do IUI with injectables because of the risk of multiples and cancellation due to overstimulation. I'm not sure how many rounds of Femara we will be allowed to do but he did tell us that our chances of conceiving with IUI decrease each month after four our five. Statistically, if I am going to get pregnant with IUI it will happen in the first few months. Third time's the charm?

Going My Way

I have vowed to make handle this 2ww differently.  After our last IUI was googling every.single.day. for post-IUI symptoms, agonizing over every single temperature and obsessing over all my phantom symptoms. I didn't drink, I watched my caffeine intake and I took it extremely easy.

This month I'm doing my own thing--I've had a few beers, I have not charted for two months and I have not asked Dr. Google any questions. Of course, I'm only 3dpiui so that could always change but for now I'm going to do my own thing. Worrying about the outcome of this IUI will do me no good. What happens, happens.

It Only Takes One

 

It only takes one. Just keep swimming! 

The Deposit Has Been Made

Our second IUI was this morning. There was a new receptionist at the IF clinic and she asked me if I wanted to go back with Mike while he did his thing. We weren't the only ones in the waiting area. Talk about an awkward moment. Ha!

Mike is a rock star---even the nurse that did our IUI this morning said so!  His numbers were even better than they were last time. The nurse was hilarious--she had me hold the tube of sperm and told me to talk to them....for motivation.

Pre-Wash
Concentration: 144 mil
Total Motile Sperm 258.3 mil

Post-Wash: Concentration 263mil (they want greater than 20 mil)
Total Motile Sperm: 105.2 million (they want greater than 10 mil)

Last IUI Mike had 90 mil motile sperm and we thought that was awesome. Maybe this extra 15 million will do the job! I am feeling a little crampy but nothing too terrible.  Mike has a three day weekend and tomorrow night is Army Appreciation night at Safeco field so if you're watching the Mariners/Phillies game, look for us in right field!

I hope this two week wait goes by fast....Mike leaves for a course on Sunday so I'll be doing a lot of sewing next week, which should help past the time. Crossing my fingers and praying that I'll have good news for Mike when he gets home from school.

Yay for proactive doctors!

For those of you who aren't military you probably get to see the same doctor every time you go to an appointment, right? The nurses probably know you by your face and maybe the receptionist even knows you.....When I go to my appointments I always see a different nurse and most of the time I see a different doctor as well.  Doctors and nurses who have to ask ME what medication I have been taking because they aren't familiar with me. Today was no different. Dr. B. walked in and asked what I was taking. because it wasn't on my chart. I explained my protocol and laid back for my date with the Dildo Cam. My uterus lining looks good and I have one ripe 19mm follicle on my right ovary. Leftie was hiding today and he had to push my belly to get my ovary to move down so he could take a look which was weird. I didn't know ovaries could be so mobile!

Dr. B was great! He sat with us and answered all our questions. He did not brush us off for being young or having unexplained infertility.  I asked him if we could try something other than Clomid next month if this month doesn't work and he agreed that it was reasonable to move on to something else. We'll be moving on to Femara + IUI next month if I don't get pregnant. He also said that it was totally reasonable for us to start considering IVF, which on one hand was good to hear but on the other hand really difficult to know hear someone say that. He said that based on statistics he recommendds six IUIs before moving on. We could continue IUI after those six but our probability of sucess decreases. Right now we have a 10-15% chance of achieving pregnancy.  He said a lot of unexplained couples learn the reasons for their infertility once they get to IVF and that about 30% of his IVF patients have unexplained infertility.  So...we're on the IVF waiting list and have a spot for next July just in case IUI doesn't work for us.  We'll need to save up $7500 by then. If we want to do IVF on our own before next July it will be about $15k. Yowsers!

I also talked to Dr. B about my brother's recent diagnosis of azoospermia and asked if there could be any co-relation between the two of us having infertility issues. He said it would be really rare but to be on the safe side he put in an order for a Cystic Fibrosis Gene Mutation test. 99% of men with CF are infertile due to a congenital defect of missing vas deferens.  In women, the CF mutation can cause cause infertility issues such as thick cervical mucus and other issues as well.  He also put in an order to have my thyroid levels checked. Yay for proactive doctors!

So just one follicle this month but that's okay. I'll trigger tonight (Mike will give me the shot) and we go for our IUI on Thursday at 1000.  Fingers crossed.

After our appointment we applied for on-post housing. Thankfully we qualify for a 3br based on Mike's rank alone and we put our names down for the new housing. Our lease in our rental house isn't up until 1 March but the wait for new housing is 6-9 months so it should all work out.  Why are we moving on post? The #1 reason is that after 14 months here we still don't have any friends. It is SO hard to meet people here. The military community is a very small percentage of the population here so we are not surrounded by a military support system where we currently live. #2 It takes Mike about 40-45 minutes to get home from work even though we only live about 13 miles from the gate. Moving will also make it easier for me to deliver orders to people who live on post.  #3 Deployment rumors.  If these rumors are true, I don't want to be off post all by myself with no support system when he leaves. #4 If I do ever get pregnant I will not have a 45 minute trip to the hospital when I'm in labor!

So we'll be moving in mid-February and even though we'll be sacrificing our large yard and two car garage I think it will be a good decision for us. It may also help us save up that $7500 we need to save up but hopefully won't need! =)

Clomid Cycle #4

Just a short note: We arrived home last night from our amazing trip to the U.K. (I'll post more about that later!) Luckily AF arrived late this month and I was able to call the IF clinic today to get my next script of Clomid. So begins Clomid cycle #4 and our second IUI cycle. Fingers crossed!