Envy, Pride and Football.

Mike and I wanted to go to this match since we got home from England. Remember I blogged a bit about the ManU/Barcelona game that was going on when we were in London?  We got lucky and ended up finding a girl on post with tickets that she needed to sell. We got both tickets for the price of what one normally cost so we got a good deal! It was my first professional soccer match and so much fun, even if the Sounders did get their asses whooped by the bloody English. It was a beautiful day to watch a game. About 75-78 degrees and the sun was peeking out through the clouds. The whole entry of the players, the music and the waving of the flags reminded me of a Quidditch match--dork alert!   I thought that the Sounders would be able to at least hang with Man U, and they did for the first half, but the second half was just shameful.  It was a friendly, which means that it doesn't go on either teams' record and it was just for fun, so Seattle took out some of their best players after half time. Exchanged their goal keeper and several other key players. At about this same time Man U put in Rooney who is probably their best player.  He scored two goals before my brother was even back from his bathroom break. Six goals in the second half by Man U. Sounders lost 7 to nil. That's like losing a football game 40 to zero. lt'd be like the Yankees traveling to England and playing them in baseball. The level of play in the MLS vs. the European League was obvious. It was still a fantastic time though and I'm glad my  brother was nice enough to give up his cozy corporate box ticket to come sit in the nose bleeds with his baby sister since Mike couldn't come (He gave his ticket to another co-worker so it all worked out.) We want to go to another game soon, an inter-league game so that the level of play is more equal.
 
One of the plus sides to NOT being pregnant is that I can consume as much tasty beer as I want but at $9 a pop in the stadium, I limited myself to two. Both CenturyLink field (where the Sounders and Seahawks play) and Safeco Field (where the Mariners play) have great beer selections and veggie options for food so it's always a great time going to any sporting event.

Me & my big brother.

Sound Wave

National Anthem

Beautiful Seattle

Emerald City Supporters

Largest MLS crowd in Pacific NW history!

Score at Full Time. Wow.

So for a full 90 minutes last night I got to forget the reality of infertility. I forgot about that "not an apology" e-mail I got and still have no idea how to respond to.  I forgot about the "left behind" feeling I got when I found out that a dear e-friend of mine, who has also been struggling with infertility, got a natural BFP yesterday and is six weeks pregnant. I'm sure all of you know what feeling I'm talking about. You say you're happy for them, you SHOULD be happy for them but the actual feeling of happiness, of pure elation, never comes and because it doesn't come, the guilt and resentment starts to overtake you.
It's one thing to be jealous of my friend who just announced via FB that baby #3, an R&R baby, is on its way. She didn't have to "work" for any of her babies. As a matter of fact, this is the same friend who told me to "just have fun with it!" and that I would get pregnant. Her own sister "struggled" for a year, but they weren't really trying because she had a big cruise and didn't want to be pregnant in a bikini. Gag me. Her sister did end up being diagnosed as annovulatory but got pregnant on her first cycle of Clomid and now has a beautiful baby boy. I can't resent my friend too much because she knows virtually nothing on the pain of true infertility and I don't feel guilty for the animosity I have toward her right now.
Feeling resentment toward my miraculous-natural-bfp friend is a completely different story. I can't post too many details because she hasn't announced her pregnancy on the interwebs yet and I don't want to give anything away, but I feel so guilty having all these feelings of bitterness, exclusion, jealousy and envy. This is a women who has STRUGGLED to get the baby in her womb. Hell, she and I have "known" each other since Mike and I first started TTC in Feb 2008. She was there for me when Mike deployed a second time and she's basically the first person I talk to when I need to vent. We've basically been through hell and back together and she was told she'd never be able to have kids naturally, that she'd need the help of IVF with ICSI and yet she's pregnant. All on her own. A true miracle and all I can think is "When is it going to be my turn?" and feel left behind, which is SO selfish and self-centered. So, dear e-friend, I know you're reading this and I do want you to know that I am so, so happy and excited for you but right now all those "dark and twisty" feelings are taking over. I'll be better in a few days.

Today I am 12dpiui. The 2ww is almost over and so far I have zero spotting, no sore boobs, no bloating, nothing. I have little faith that this cycle is going to be it. It hurts too much to hope anymore. Tomorrow we have a FRG picnic to attend on post. I'm semi looking forward to it but not really. Most people would look at it as an opportunity to make new friends (which we badly need) but all I can think is, "Oh great. 300 new people to ask me, yet again, if we want kids." I hope it's not too difficult.I really wish I could hop a cab to Tiffany's to get rid of these mean reds.