God Save the Queen

It's finally time for our trip and we're heading to the airport in a few hours! "See" you all in a few weeks! :)

Different Aspects of Infertility

My awesome e-friend, Allie, has featured me in her latest blog! Check it out here!

I'm Not Fertile so What's the Point?

When you're trying like hell to have a baby virtually every.single.thought. in your pretty little head revolves around one thing: your phantom baby.  Before you even conceive said phantom baby your mind has already decorated the phantom nursery, decided on the phantom stroller and planned a Walt Disney World vacation with a phantom toddler.  Hello, my name is Megan and I am a crazy lady!



When you're dealing with infertility something else becomes phantom: sex.  Infertility robs you of a sex life.  Sex for fun virtually ceases to exist.  If you're not fertile what's the point, right?



"The impact of infertility (real or suspected) on your sex life can be enormous. Sex that is timed and filled with anxiety about the outcome quickly becomes mechanical and forced. What was once an intense expression of love, desire, and commitment can feel like an obligation, an expectation -- and practically coercive. As confusion and emotions run high it can be difficult to figure out exactly why you’re so sad or angry or frustrated with your partner and/or yourself." (Source)





"It's no picnic for men either. Sex on demand ("I'm ovulating, honey! Get over here!") is a turn-off and turns a choice into a constraint. How unsexy....I have never known a man to be excited - pardon the pun - to ejaculate into a cup. One of my patients spoke with disdain at being called upon to produce a "specimen" in what he called "the Boom-Boom Room."" (Source)



"Trying" to have a baby is supposed to be fun but there comes a point when it turns into work. Almost a year ago a friend of mine gave me the advice to "Just have fun with it!"  Since then, both she and her sister (who got pregnant her first month of Clomid) have both had babies. Apparently having fun worked for them but if that is all it took for us then I would have my own TLC show by now.



Infertility has taken the fun out of sex.  During the week of my IUI more people saw my vajajay than my own husband. Three weeks. That's the longest we've ever gone without sex (other than times where Mike was on "sabbatical" in the desert or on "vacation" in the field.) and I'm happy to report that this dry spell has ended...and I'm not even fertile! I'm sure you all wanted to know that. (Sorry, Sis.)  Hopefully our trip to London will help renew our "spirits." Luckily we had a lot of practice in college with twin beds. (Again, sorry sis.)

Luna Simone Hotel, London

For those of you who are dealing with infertility, what do you do to keep the spice going in the bedroom? Do you struggle with intimacy? Are you able to leave all the prescriptions, shots, diagnoses, and "advice" at the bedroom door?

Good thinking!

Good thing we decided to forgo Clomid and IUI this cycle. Mike was supposed to be home tomorrow but is going to remain in the field until next weekend. He'll be home three days before our trip to England. :sigh:  

I have so much to do this week before we leave! Hair appointment, shopping, getting the fur-kids ready to be left for two weeks, packing, planning......Aaah!  Luckily I only have one order left and with Mike away it is giving me a lot of time to sew! Here's a picture of my latest masterpiece: :)

Looks like Blogger still hasn't re-posted my deleted blog entries. That's super annoying!

Wordless Wednesday

Not-so-fond Memory Lane

Facebook browsing is a dangerous thing. You know, one friend leads you to another and before you know it you're on a walk down memory lane.  It always puts me in a funk!  
I graduated high school in 2002 and I have yet to find a single person from my high school or college days that is not married with children or unmarried with children!  There are few who remain unmarried and childless (and I'm not surprised) but nearly everyone I have found has at least one kid--even those that got married waaaaay after I did.  Even the girl from college that was super annoying and tried to break up Mike and I--she's KTFU. The skanky girl from my college volleyball team--she had twins! Last but not least, the dumb-as-rocks girl who was a bitch to me in high school got married, has two kids and is a 7th grade science teacher :snort:  It really is depressing.  As if living in an incredibly fertile community such as the military isn't bad enough, I think Memory Lane is worse.

When I go back to the town where I went to M.S. and H.S. (I don't claim it as my "hometown" since I'm an Army Brat) everyone always asks me, "So how many kids do you have now?" :sigh: I guess it's a logical question. You grow up, you get married, you have babies...

Infertility sucks.

Just When you Think No One is Listening

I got this message on Facebook today from one of my old friends from Fort Drum.

"Hey Megan, I was thinking about you all day yesterday!! I say a prayer for you every night!! I think you are such an awesome person and I know you WILL make such an awesome mom!!! Until you've made me more aware of infertility, I've never given it much thought. I've always had compassion for those who aren't able to conceive, but not in the way I do now!! I just want to thank you for making me more aware and also for putting yourself out there to educate us all!! I'm so blessed to have you for a friend!! And know that if ever there is anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, I can do for you...do not hesitate to call on me!! Thanks for being such a kind, considerate, informing and WONDERFUL friend!!! IMISSYOU!!!"

It nearly made me cry. I actually reached someone--someone took the time to read my posts and GETS IT AND cares enough to let me know!  What an amazing feeling. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people to support me through this journey.

Mother's Day

Holidays are always hard when you're infertile.  So many holidays are centered around children, often making them unbearable for an infertile couple.  Mother's Day is a day to celebrate our own moms and all they've done for us but it is also a day to celebrate our own motherhood...or it should be.  The banners, the tearjerker cards, the commercials and even the Mother's Day sales on luggage are a painful reminder that I am not yet a mother.   We found out that our first IUI attempt failed just in time to "celebrate" Mother's Day. With each holiday that passes, I think to myself, "Next year will be different."  It never is.  This will be the third Mother's Day to pass since I started trying to become a mom. I can't wait for this Mother's Day season to be over and I feel so guilty for feeling that way.

I'm not asking for sympathy and I certainly don't want your pity. All I'm asking is that those of you who are already mothers take a moment and remember the barren women who are suffering and counting the seconds until Mother's Day is over. Remember the women who have lost their babies, the women who are being poked and probed, undergoing test after test and failed procedure after failed procedure, or miles of bureaucratic red tape waiting for their adoption match.  Please remember the women who are going to hell and back for their chance to become a mom and pray that by next Mother's Day their hearts will be healed and their arms will be wrapped around the child they fought so hard for.

Here are some tidbits from different articles that I've read this week. I found them them interesting/comforting/meaningful/perfect:

"Holidays also mark the passing of another year. "Many couples say to themselves, 'Maybe next year at this time we'll have a baby to love,' and as the holiday passes without a pregnancy or a birth, feelings of defeat flood in," said Shapiro in her book Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.
Infertility is a loss that couples share, but women mourn it differently. "It's the woman's body that sustains the pregnancy, delivers the baby, nurses the baby, and little girls are socialized from their youngest years to anticipate motherhood as an integral part of their lives."
Shapiro said it's especially difficult for would-be mothers in their 20s and 30s not to be part of the "Club" that passes around sonograms, has baby showers at work, and talks, almost constantly, it seems, about everything from Lamaze classes to toilet training"  http://www.aces.uiuc.edu/news/stories/news2309.html


"This year when the fill-in-the-blank (pastor, priest, minister, rabbi, etc.) asks all women in the congregation who are mothers to stand to be recognized, you might take a closer look at the women who remain seated. There are many among them grateful that only a few hours remain to be endured in the annual Mother’s Day season." http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/07/a-non-mothers-day/

"It is good and right to honor mothers. The Bible calls us to do so. Jesus does so with his own mother. We must recognize though that many infertile women find this day almost unbearable. This is not because these women are (necessarily) bitter or covetous or envious. The day is simply a reminder of unfulfilled longings, longings that are good." http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/russellmoore/remember-the-infertile-on-mothers-day.html

"Just about every woman has a child in her life, by relation or by choice, whom she loves and adores. Every boo-boo she kisses, every little hand she holds, every hug she gives is a gift to that family. And every time a PANK® (Professional Aunt No Kids) stays late so a mom can leave early to attend to a sick child, or takes on double the work when a new mom is on maternity leave, she's contributing to the national American Family Village.
These Savvy Aunties are not childless. They are childfull; they choose to love the children they know and give to children around the nation -- and around the world.
 It's time to embrace all the maternal women in a child's life this Mother's Day. It's time to open the door and welcome Auntie in." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/mothers-day-other-mothers_b_857328.html?ref=fb&src=sp

"So this Mother’s Day, look around your church. Sitting in a chair or pew is a hurting woman who wants to celebrate the day, but is struggling with the pain of infertility. If you are a mother, it is a day to celebrate and be honored. But in your time of celebration and giving thanks to God for the blessings of your children, whisper a prayer for the other women - those with empty arms because of infertility, miscarriage, abortion, and even death. They are suffering their own private pain. Don’t offer platitudes, pity, or answers. Instead, offer yourself as a source of comfort and prayer." http://blogs.cbn.com/familymatters/archive/2010/05/06/mothers-day-a-painful-reminder-of-infertility.aspx

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the "moms" in my own life who helped shape me and make me the woman that I am today.  Happy Mother's Day to all of the expectant moms, moms of angels, fur baby moms, adoptive moms and future moms!

No Wonder I Still Have an Empty Uterus

I called the infertility clinic this morning to let them know that IUI #1 did not work and that we'll be taking a break this month since Mike is going into the field. They must have some dumb uneducated patients because she told me, "Okay so what I need you to do this month then is get an ovulation predictor kit and once it turns positive--have sex the next day."  What? The hell you say! You mean I have to have sex to get pregnant? No wonder I still have an empty uterus.

Not Pregnant.

Cycle 27 is over. IUI #1 = Big Fat Failure. Good thing I had my long cry the other day when I first started spotting.

We're taking a break from Clomid this cycle since Mike is supposed to be leaving any day for the field and we don't want to 'waste' one of our last three remaining Clomid cycles (my RE will only let us do six total) if he might not even be here.  Since I most likely won't get pregnant that means I'll get my period while we're in England and we'll have to take that cycle off too since I won't be here to get the prescription. Looks like IUI #2 will be in late June.  I'm also giving up charting for these two cycles.

So long Cycle 27. You were a bitch. 

I fucking hate infertility.

Dude, Where's My Period? 15DPIUI

BFN but my temp went up this morning. What the hell is going on? I know I shouldn't give my chart much credence at this point. I've had so many charts where I could have sworn I was pregnant only to be disappointed at the end of the cycle.
TMI WARNING:  I am having nasty, thick brownish/cream discharge. Last night it was watery right before bed and only twinges of brown. I still feel like I'm on my period but when there is no blood when I check. My LP is never this long. I am blaming the trigger shot.

Story of My Life. 14DPIUI

BFN this morning but still no AF.  I'm spotting and having serious AF-like cramps--the kind that make you rush to the bathroom because you feel like you've started. :sigh: My temp is still above the cover line though I've been told I shouldn't trust temping on medicated cycles.  I'm thinking that the HCG shot most likely lengthened my LP which I don't have my full-on period yet.  I wish my RE would do a beta on me so that I'd know one way or the other. Right now my gut is telling me that I'm not pregnant just because this is exactly what happens every.single.month. right before I start my period.

For your viewing pleasure. Proof that this IUI is most likely a failure. Of course the mysterious second line from yesterday is not there any more which only proves one thing: I'm crazier than I thought.

Big Fat Fucking Fail

I woke up this morning to a full bladder and was so certain that I was going to get my BFP today after yesterday's temperature. Wrong.  That's what I get for hoping, right?  My temperature went down and when I got to the bathroom I had a first row seat for AF's pre-game show. Cycle 27 is over and just in time for Mother's Day. I haven't been this upset about AF in a long time. I felt like we actually had a shot with the IUI.  Even though I know I have no control over what is happening with my body I feel like a failure.

Sobbing, I called Mike to tell him and I immediately started apologizing but he told me to stop. He said he doesn't blame me and that it's not my fault.  Why do I feel so guilty then?  Why is my body failing month after month? 

I just walked into the bathroom and infertility decided to play a cruel joke on me. There was a second line on this morning's test. My heart skipped a beat even though I KNOW that those results aren't valid after ten minutes. Maybe there wasn't even a second line. Maybe I've been staring at all my negative pregnancy tests for so long that my eyes are playing tricks on me.  I keep going into the bathroom to look at the second line even though I know it's not real. Pathetic, right?  A second line, however inaccurate, was just a cruel, cruel joke.

So today isn't officially CD1 since I'm only spotting so I'm not going to call the IF clinic just quite yet.  I'm hesitant to waist one of my three remaining Clomid cycles when Mike might not even be here during my fertile time to do IUI this cycle.  He is determined to try again this cycle though so he wants me to call to get my next prescription of Clomid.  So....moving on to IUI cycle #2 and this time we'll be in a foreign country when we find out if I am pregnant or not.

I hate that infertility has robbed me of so many joys.  My husband and I will be spending our seventh wedding anniversary in LONDON in three weeks and all I can feel is the pain in my heart that we're not taking a baby with us. Mike and I will be celebrating seven years of marriage. Some have been worse than others (those who have been through multiple deployments know what I'm talking about) but for the most part they have been seven wonderful years yet all I can think about right now is how we've been married for seven years and have zero children to show for it. 

Apparently pregnancy is an elusive disease and this cycle was one big fat fucking failure.

Magic Eye and 12 DPIUI

Magic Eye.  Do you remember those things from the 90s?  Pictures that are almost guaranteed to give anyone who stares at them a headache. Pictures like this:

I could never see the picture in those damn things and apparently I'm having the same issue finding the second line on my pregnancy tests.  I find myself staring at them, tilting them toward the light and looking for that ever elusive second line. No matter how I look at it I can't see it.  I swear I see something on my 10DPIUI test but there's been nothing since.

This morning I woke up at 0341 right before Mike's alarm went off, just as I do most mornings.  I decided to go ahead an POAS so I could use FMU.  Half awake I walked into the bathroom and proceeded to spill half a cup of pee all over the bathroom floor. That's what I get for trying to do such a "difficult" task with half my brain still in dream land. I stared at the test with it about four inches from my face since I didn't have my contacts in and wasn't wearing my glasses. BFN. I went back to bed.

At 0700 my alarm went off and I was almost afraid to take my temp. 12DPO is normally the day that my BBT starts to go down and AF comes the next day.  Today's temp: 98.67. I have never had a temp jump at this point in my cycle! No spotting, I have some cramping and sore boobs. For now, I'm trying to find the happy medium between remaining hopeful and being scared to death that AF is just around the corner.

History.

History

 I remember getting chills as I watched people dancing in the streets in Afghanistan on September 11, 2011. What kind of person celebrates the death of a thousands of innocent people or even the death of just one person? Tonight American Armed Forces made history.  Osama Bin Laden is dead and the American people are celebrating and somehow....it feels right.

Of course people are already complaining that President Obama did not give due credit to the troops.  I say bullshit.  I thought it was a very touching speech and loved that he addressed not only the families of the victims of 9/11 but also the families of all our troops who have been lost in the War on Terror. Haters do  not want to give him any credit. After all--he didn't pull the trigger but President Obama got the intelligence report and our troops kicked ass on his orders.  If the mission had failed you bet they would be blaming Obama and NOT the soldier who was unable to eliminate his target. The bottom line is that the SOB is dead.

Newsflash:  George Dubya had nothing to do with what happened today. Oh...I digress. Bush's WMDs are the reason we invaded Iraq. I should give credit where credit is due.  On 1 May, 2003 Bush said that we had won in Iraq. "Mission Accomplished."  Eight years later......MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.  Could you imagine the speech if Dubya would have given it? In my best Texas accent: " Heh heh, we murderated him, we walked in, and we victorized, and we assasificated Osama Bin Laden."   All I can say is thank goodness for the hide button on Facebook.

Obama said he'd get Bin Laden and he did.  Osama Bin Laden is dead and it is somewhat of a comfort to know that Mike's buddy who was killed in A-stan last week and all of his other brother in arms did not die in vain.  Now...bring our troops home!