2011 in Review

I can finally say, "Tomorrow is the day!"  Our first ultrasound is at 0830 tomorrow and I am so nervous/excited. I am excited to find out how many we have in there but more than that I am excited to find out that we have a healthy baby growing in there and to hopefully hear/see the heartbeat. 

I haven't been feeling many symptoms but one that is persistent is definitely the exhaustion.  I had doubts as to whether Christmas dinner was even going to be made because SIL and I spent the afternoon snoozing on the couch. I didn't even get dressed this year--Okay, I did get dressed but just in clean pajamas.  I have been so flipping tired and last night I even broke the Cardinal Rule of, "Thou shalt not fall asleep during a Harry Potter Marathon!" ::gasp:: I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore so I took a little nap and then we finished the movie later.

It's hard to believe 2011 is coming to a close. SO much has happened this year and it's just totally flown by so I thought I'd take a few minutes to reflect on the ups and downs of this past year.

1. What did you do in 2011 you never did before?

Went to England!!!!
IUI/Surgery/IVF
Watched the entire World Series from start to finish (Go Cards!)
Cut down a Christmas tree
Went to a professional soccer match

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year I made the promise to myself that I was going to try to get rid of negativity in my life. I succeeded somewhat by eliminating a few things (and people) from my life.

For 2012:

To take excellent care of myself so that I can have a healthy pregnancy and L&D

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my sister had my beautiful niece, Charlotte, in October!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. We recently lost four pilots in a training accident but they weren't close to me.

5. What countries did you visit?

England

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A successful pregnancy, more patience (hello annoying customers!) and the ability to just slow down and take it easy without feeling guilty.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

May 25--the day we left for the UK
August 27--the day of my laparoscopy
November 25--the day of my egg retreival

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally getting pregnant. Hands down.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Hmm, I'm not sure that I really failed at anything this year other than our four IUIs.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Infertility but other than that I've been very healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to the UK, my Kindle, my embroidery machine and a round of IVF

12. Where did most of your money go?

Fertility treatments and a trip to England

13. What did you get really excited about?

Our trip to the UK, the birth of Charlotte and finding out that I was finally pregnant.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2011?Party Rock Anthem-- LMFAO. Hands down.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or Sadder: Happier

Thinner or Fatter: Fatter.  My weight has been fluctuating this year because of all the damn drugs I've been on.

Richer or poorer: Probably a little poorer just because of all the infertility treatments we've done. 

16. What do you wish you'd done more of:

Exercise, hiking, walks with the dogs, just get out of the house more.

17. What do you wish you had done less of:

Stressing, crying

18. How did you spend Christmas?

My brother and SIL drove down from Seattle and spent a few days with us. It was fun!

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Parenthood

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Hunger Games Trilogy

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

LMFAO and Adele

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and The Muppets

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

Gosh, how sad is it that I can't even remember what I did on my birthday this year? I was 27 though.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being debt free and not having to go through all the infertility struggles we went through.

25. What kept you sane?

Mike, my fur-kids and the support and love of my family.

26. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

That it is possible to see the light again, no matter how dark and twisty of place you're in. Things do get better and dreams are worth fighting for. Happy New Year's, dear readers!

A Tale of E-pee-ic Proportions

Last night was my embryo transfer. Mike arrived home from work and we left for the clinic just in time to fight with rush hour traffic.  I knew I had to go in with a full bladder but I had been warned by a friend not to let it get so full that it was uncomfortable, so I used the loo right before we left since I have the bladder of an 80 year old man.  After about 30 minutes of sitting in traffic, I knew I was in trouble--I had to effing pee. We couldn't stop anywhere because we were already at the risk of being late but I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it until after my embryo transfer. So, I did the only irrational rational thing that a crazy, hormonal lady would do: I peed in a bottle in the back seat of my car. Yes, you read that right. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

As I climbed over the seat, Mike handed me an empty Gatorade bottle and wished me luck. I said, "It's okay, I've done this before."  Apparently after 7.5 years of marriage there are still things that Mike doesn't know about me. Ha! Luckily it was already dark so no one had any idea why I was squatting in the floor board of my back seat. Besides, this is the West Coast so I'm sure people have seen faaaaar crazier shit than this. I had a comforter in the back that we use to cover the seat when we have the dogs with us so I put that under me, in case of any drippage and there was drippage.  Grossed out yet?  Mike handed me my purse so I could dig out my hand sanitizer and I left the pee blanket and bottle in the back for him to deal with later, since I was going to be on bed rest. Aren't I a nice wife?

I wish the pee story ended there but it doesn't.  Remember the whole 80 year old man bladder? Yeah. By the time we arrived at the clinic 30 minutes later, I had to pee again. We could hear the nurses moving around in the back but no one was at the front desk to help us. I was thinking, "Dear God in Heaven, do they want me to piss myself?!"  About five hours later (Okay, it was only about five minutes but it felt like five hours!) the nurse came out, checked us in and informed us that the sonographer was running late. I groaned and Mike could see the pleading, pathetic look on my face so he asked the nurse if I had time to use the restroom before my appointment. The middle-aged nurse immediately went from sweet and gentle to torturess extraordinaire--she wouldn't let me pee. I'm sure the other couple in the waiting room were having a good laugh over the 27 year old woman doing the potty dance.

Now, here comes an admission that I'm not all that proud of (and you thought it couldn't get worse than the Gatorade bottle, right?)  I waited until the nurse went to the back.....and I snuck to the bathroom. There, I admit it.  In my defense, the sonographer was still MIA and I only went a little bit. Ah, it was blissful. About five minutes later, the sonographer finally arrived and I was almost immediately called back to the ultrasound room to have my bladder checked. My palms got sweaty and I felt like a kid going to the principal's office. "Oh shit, she's going to know that I just peed. Shit, shit, shit!" So I laid back on the table, she squirted me with warm goo and I prepared myself to be scolded.  My 80 year old man bladder was too full. Ha! So I waddled across the hall, clinging to the pink paper sheet around my waist and was instructed to empty my bladder 1 1/4 cups. Do you know how hard it is to pee without emptying your entire bladder? For serious.

After I was done I waddled back into the room, was squirted with more warm goo and the sonographer told me that I needed to empty by another 1/4 cup. Are you kidding me? As if the first time wasn't hard enough now I had to pee and almost immediately stop again.  Are these sonographers trained in the art of torture or what? I did as commanded though and before I could say I-hate-you, it was time to do my transfer! 

Who knew that it would take four people, working in simultaneous harmony, to knock me up?  The sonographer, the RE, the embryologist and the nurse were all in my business last night--I think it was a new record for me. The most uncomfortable part of the procedure was when my doctor shifted the speculum to straighten out my cervix--I was so worried about peeing on him! I couldn't see the ultrasound screen during the procedure but Mike was watching the entire time while holding my hand and rubbing my head.  He said that our embies looked like two shooting stars as they whizzed into my uterus and disappeared. My biology dork was in awe.

Resting for 30 minutes after the ET

We transferred two beautiful "premium quality" (Dr.'s words, not mine) expanding blastocysts. A little googling told me that an expanding blastocyst is the "best" embryo quality you can have, so I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Hopefully they're snuggling in and already beginning to hatch. Unfortunately, none made it to freeze so these two are our little champions.  Dr. gave me strict instructions to take it extremely easy for the next 72 hours--no lifting anything over five pounds (sorry kitties!) no orgasms (sorry husband!) and no strenuous activity.  He assured me that I wasn't going to "shake the babies out" and that there wasn't much science to back up his mandated rest period, but that he feels it's in the best interest f the embryos.  Apparently opening doors is strenuous because Mike was told that he even has to do that for me. You should have seen him carrying my purse last night--ha.  The paper that was sent home with us had instructions for me to travel home laying (lying?) down in the back seat but with the Gatorade bottle and pee blanket back there, that wasn't going to happen. I rode home in the passenger seat instead which was fine with me since it has butt warmers. We grabbed dinner at Panera (it's tradition now!) and I was able to eat real food for the first time in two days. I hope and pray that PIO and I are becoming friends now, although last night's shot was borderline unforgivable and I still had to take the maximum allowed dosage of Tums yesterday.

My doctor just celebrated his 25th anniversary of practicing IVF so he is kind of old school. Unfortunately I did not get a picture of my baby blasts because they don't like to "expose" the embryos for the purpose of picture-taking. So, we'll pretend that these little blasts below are Thing 1 and Thing 2, they all look the same at this stage anyway, right? I'm PUPO! Beta is next Friday.

Progesterone Fun!

First, I had some really whacky cravings yesterday. I had nachos for breakfast and around 4 I began to get an insatiable craving for Fudge Stripe Cookies. I haven't had those in years but I HAD to have them. Then it was Peppermint Ice Cream and then my mom's cheese logs, which required Velveeta. Thankfully, my wonderful husband arrived home with Fudge Stripe Cookies (and milk!), Velveeta AND Peppermint Ice Cream.  I had at least three cookies before my dinner, several more after dinner and then a big bowl of Peppermint Ice Cream in bed later.

Around 11 I got to experience my first progesterone-induced hot flash. Holy mother of Hades--even Mike felt it when he climbed into bed. I woke up several times throughout the night to pee (and because of more hot flashes!) was up for an hour at five in the morning, fell asleep and didn't wake up again until almost 9. I got out of bed and immediately felt flu-like and absolutely exhausted. I've been parked on the couch all day, snuggled up in my bathrobe and I just experienced yet another progesterone side effect. I won't go into detail but lets just say that it left me running for the bathroom.  Embryo transfer is set for 1730 tomorrow night! I am very excited about it, except for the whole "full bladder" thing.

I'm thinking of taking a hiatus from my business for awhile. It's not the sewing, it's the stupid customers. I just can't handle the incessant amount of questions like "How much is a bag?" "What are your prices?"when the answers are clearly listed on my website and my favorite "I received my order but changed my mind on what I wanted. I know you don't give refunds on custom orders so I'm going to lie and say that the charge on my credit card was an unauthorized payment so that I get to keep my "unwanted" products and screw you out of $120."  Yup, it has all happened to me. I guess after 2.5 years in business I was bound to get fcuked but the timing of it really, really sucks. I.don't.need.this.stress. right now so I think I'm going to take a break. I feel bad, since there are still 80+ people on my waiting list, but none of them have paid anything toward their orders yet and I think I can justify my break. Besides, a woman on IVF drugs doesn't exactly make the best Customer Service Representative.

Crackers.

After my blood draw yesterday, H and I went to the commissary. Mike generally has no patience for rude and stupid people but yesterday was particularly bad since he had just come home from the field and he was easily agitated. I am a raging hormonal mess. It was not the ideal time to be grocery shopping.

So even though we're having a vegetarian/vegan Thanksgiving I thought it'd be nice to grab a cheese ball for Mike to enjoy since he's not too big on the vegan cheeses my sister-in-law makes. I told him that we needed Rit_z crackers to go along with the cheese and so he pointed them out on the lowest shelf. Without even taking the time to consider how irrational this would sound I puffed out my bottom lip and said, "But I want the SNOWFlAKE Rit.z crackers!!! "Because, you know, there's a HUGE difference in how they taste.  :pout:  Mike rolled his eyes, smiled to himself and we went out to the warehouse where they keep all the seasonal stuff.  Guess what? No snowflake crackers.

I had finally accepted that I would be having plain, boring Rit.z crackers on Thanksgiving and I had move on to look for some sparkling cider for SIL and I. When I turned around I saw my knight in shining armor standing there, holding a box of Snowflake Rit.z crackers. He loves me.




P.S.  I ate half the cheese ball on the way to doctor's appointment #2 last night and yes, those damn snowflake crackers were delicious.

Words.

This quote perfectly describes what I'm feeling right now. I don't even want to do IUI this cycle because I feel like there's no point. I'm numb to it all but I'm scared to give up. We've waited for so long to get to this point. I can't remember the last time I prayed and I actually stopped myself from praying last night. Again, what's the point? Not that I was ever an incredibly religious person but infertility has completely shaken  stolen my faith.

I have to leave in a few hours for my follie check and already my mind is drawing a blank on what I need to say to the doctor. I know I need to advocate for myself but I'm not sure how to do it without #1 being disrespectful and burning bridges or #2 going completely hormonal and crying. I guess I need to sit down with a pen and paper and write down everything I want to say to him.

Expect another entry later tonight, revealing all the details of my appointment. Wish me luck.