Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Mar 31, 2013
Mar 23, 2013
The Good Thing About Infertility?
You know the only good thing about infertility? It has shown me to never take motherhood for granted and to be thankful every single day for my little miracle. I'm working on a photo book to give to Hazel one day with the story of our long journey to parenthood. It will have pictures of my bruises, the lattes I had after my blood draws, the picture of me when I was so happy to have finally graduated to external ultrasounds--everything. I'm not holding anything back. It may be a long time before she can fully grasp all this but I think it's important for her to know just how special she is.
Feb 4, 2013
Baby #2
Don't get all excited. No, I'm not pregnant. Mike and I have been talking about future children. We will be more than happy with Hazel but I am from a big family and would love for her to have at least one sibling. I know it's morbid but i don't want her to be all alone when Mike and I are gone. I've heard stories about women miraculously getting pregnant on their own after IVF but I am not going to get my hopes up. It's still hard being surrounded by fertile army wives who managed to get pregnant on birth control. Infertility sucks.
Do i really want to go through the hassle of tracking my BBT, ovualtion strip, blah blah when it didn't work before? Plus I have yet to have a post partum period--thank you breastfeeding! I
I'm so grateful that we have been blessed with Hazel. I get to stare into the face of a true miracle every single day. I just wish I could say, "Okay, Hazel is a year old I think we should have another baby" and BAM be pregnant again. But nope, it won't be easy for us. I would love to go back to WA and see my old doctor for IVF again but who knows what Uncle Sam will have to say about that. Did I mention infertility sucks?
Do i really want to go through the hassle of tracking my BBT, ovualtion strip, blah blah when it didn't work before? Plus I have yet to have a post partum period--thank you breastfeeding! I
I'm so grateful that we have been blessed with Hazel. I get to stare into the face of a true miracle every single day. I just wish I could say, "Okay, Hazel is a year old I think we should have another baby" and BAM be pregnant again. But nope, it won't be easy for us. I would love to go back to WA and see my old doctor for IVF again but who knows what Uncle Sam will have to say about that. Did I mention infertility sucks?
Nov 16, 2012
What Difference a Year Makes!
What a difference a year makes!
Oct 8, 2012
Miracle Babies
I can only hope and pray that we're this lucky!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/02/infertility_n_1933500.html?icid=hp_parents_art_more
Sep 17, 2012
Life After Infertility
Before I ever got pregnant I would always see those struggling with secondary IF and think, "What are they complaining about? They've got one baby! Isn't that enough? I would KILL to have just one!" but over the past couple weeks I've seen it from both sides and have had to remind myself to be sensitive to those still struggling while also being humbled and realized that secondary infertility still hurts.
The first experience was in the infertility group I started for the military wives in my area. I started it when I was in a really dark place and felt like the only military wife in existence who wasn't a mom. I quickly realized that I wasn't and within a couple weeks there were over 20 women in the group. Over the past year the group has been a great sense of support and an outlet to vent my frustrations. We met up for lunch several times and it was so refreshing to be with women who understood what I was going through. Since that first meeting, several of us have moved on to pregnancy and motherhood but there are still many women who are struggling. When I became pregnant I kind of unintentionally abandoned the group because I didn't know how anyone would receive advice coming from someone who had moved on and was now pregnant. I know that when I was going through treatments it was always hard to be around or hear from pregnant women, whether they struggled or not. I guess I was just trying to be sensitive, afraid of hurting anyone. When so many of us moved on, the group kind of fizzled and died so last week I attempted to rectify that, still walking on eggshells because I didn't want to upset anyone with my profile picture of my new little family. It's hard, being on the other side. Just because I know what they're feeling and I sometimes feel guilty that I've found success and they haven't. But then I think about how long it's taken us to get to this point and it reminds me that I fought hard to get here and Mike and I deserve all the happiness that Hazel has brought into our lives. I've just been on the 'infertile and childless' side for so long that I'm still learning how to live life on the other side.
Despite having a beautiful baby in my arms, yesterday's experience took me right back to the 'infertile and childless' days. We were at a going away BBQ for Mike and were asked the question, "Are you going to have more kids?" Well hell, this was almost as tough to answer as the, "Do you have kids?" question when we were going through treatments! I explained that it took us almost four years to get Hazel and that she was an IVF baby, which was received with questions like, "What's IVF?" "Was it expensive?" "Does it make you more fertile?" That led to a discussion between the wives on how it only took them two weeks and two months to get pregnant and how extremely fertile they are. Well isn't that nice? Mike was nice and replied with a smile, "Well we're not that lucky..." while I ignored them and was starting down at Hazel in her ring sling, thanking God that I did not have to endure that conversation with empty arms. I had anxiety the entire time other people were holding Hazel and I couldn't wait to get home.
When one of the guys asked us how it was going with the baby he said, "It sucks, doesn't it?" I told him no. He said, "Come on, it sucks. Don't lie." Seriously dude? Guess it's easy to take it all for granted when your wife can get knocked up on the first try. Apparently the bitterness never leaves. Once an infertile, always an infertile.
And cause this post is a major downer--here's some new pictures of Hazel to lighten the mood.
The first experience was in the infertility group I started for the military wives in my area. I started it when I was in a really dark place and felt like the only military wife in existence who wasn't a mom. I quickly realized that I wasn't and within a couple weeks there were over 20 women in the group. Over the past year the group has been a great sense of support and an outlet to vent my frustrations. We met up for lunch several times and it was so refreshing to be with women who understood what I was going through. Since that first meeting, several of us have moved on to pregnancy and motherhood but there are still many women who are struggling. When I became pregnant I kind of unintentionally abandoned the group because I didn't know how anyone would receive advice coming from someone who had moved on and was now pregnant. I know that when I was going through treatments it was always hard to be around or hear from pregnant women, whether they struggled or not. I guess I was just trying to be sensitive, afraid of hurting anyone. When so many of us moved on, the group kind of fizzled and died so last week I attempted to rectify that, still walking on eggshells because I didn't want to upset anyone with my profile picture of my new little family. It's hard, being on the other side. Just because I know what they're feeling and I sometimes feel guilty that I've found success and they haven't. But then I think about how long it's taken us to get to this point and it reminds me that I fought hard to get here and Mike and I deserve all the happiness that Hazel has brought into our lives. I've just been on the 'infertile and childless' side for so long that I'm still learning how to live life on the other side.
Despite having a beautiful baby in my arms, yesterday's experience took me right back to the 'infertile and childless' days. We were at a going away BBQ for Mike and were asked the question, "Are you going to have more kids?" Well hell, this was almost as tough to answer as the, "Do you have kids?" question when we were going through treatments! I explained that it took us almost four years to get Hazel and that she was an IVF baby, which was received with questions like, "What's IVF?" "Was it expensive?" "Does it make you more fertile?" That led to a discussion between the wives on how it only took them two weeks and two months to get pregnant and how extremely fertile they are. Well isn't that nice? Mike was nice and replied with a smile, "Well we're not that lucky..." while I ignored them and was starting down at Hazel in her ring sling, thanking God that I did not have to endure that conversation with empty arms. I had anxiety the entire time other people were holding Hazel and I couldn't wait to get home.
When one of the guys asked us how it was going with the baby he said, "It sucks, doesn't it?" I told him no. He said, "Come on, it sucks. Don't lie." Seriously dude? Guess it's easy to take it all for granted when your wife can get knocked up on the first try. Apparently the bitterness never leaves. Once an infertile, always an infertile.
And cause this post is a major downer--here's some new pictures of Hazel to lighten the mood.
 |
| Look at that chub! She weighed 12 pounds at my last midwife appointment! |
Aug 15, 2012
I'm a MOMMY!
How do I even choose where to begin? When I last left you I was having what I thought was practice labor. I watched the U.S. Women's Soccer team kick butt and win another gold medal, took a little nap and continued to experience contractions. Around 4:30 I texted Mike and asked when he was coming home. I wasn't in a lot of pain, contractions were still about 7-8 minutes apart but something inside me wanted him home with me. I was sitting on the birth ball when he arrived home with the Subway dinner I had requested. I was so hungry! I ate almost my entire foot long before I started feeling a little queasy and made myself stop eating. Around 6:00 Mike and I decided to go for another walk to see if it would help bring my contractions closer together. At this point I was having to lean on him during contractions and wanted him to be quiet. He referred to my contractions as waves and was starting to pick up on their pattern. He was reassuring me when he knew they were intensifying and was helping me through them by letting me know when it was almost over. In between contractions I was still very much engaged in conversation and Mike and I were talking happily about different things. Like how for the past few days I wanted to avoid the world and just stay safe and cozy in our house and about what it would be like when the baby finally came. I kept telling him that I hope all the contractions were doing something because I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle prodromal labor for days. I told him i wasn't afraid of labor, just of it going on for days. I wasnt afraid, I was ready. Remember the last time I walked with Zero it slowed my contractions down instead of making them closer together or stronger? Not this time. I told Mike that according to the 5-1-1 rule we could probably go to the hospital but that I wanted to wait. I wasn't ready to go anywhere yet.
Around 6:45 I felt the urgent need to get back to the house as soon as possible because I was afraid my food was going to go right through me. Luckily we hadn't gone too far from the house and I made it to the bathroom just in time. I had a loose stool, felt a little sick and still wasn't convinced that this was really labor. I updated Sam, my doula extraordinaire, and she assured me that this all sounded very promising and could be early labor. *Quotes are from the birth story Sam wrote for me.* I asked Mike if we could go walking again. This time we made it about 50 yards before I wanted to turn around and go home. I wanted to be in the privacy and security of our home and I wanted to rest. It was about 7:30 and I asked Mike if he would go buy me some Tylenol PM so I could try to get some sleep since my contractions were back to 7-8 minutes apart. Sam said that it definitely sounded like an on again off again pattern of prelabor and that my body was gearing up for the real thing! I told her that the pain I was feeling then was psyching me out for the big ones and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle 'real' labor pains. She assured me that the longer I had the prelabor contractions the longer my body would get to adjust and the "easier" my labor would be.
Around 8:00 we went upstairs to our bedroom and things become kind of blurry for me at this point.
I remember having a really hard time getting comfortable in bed. I was feeling a lot of pressure and tightness in my back and preferred the hands and knees position when a contraction came. Mike rubbed my back and my feet and tried to keep me as relaxed as possible. Everything was totally quiet. I was no longer functional enough to grab my phone to track my contractions and I was moaning to get through it. Mike kept telling me, "Good job, Megan. Let it out, let it out..." This went on for the next few hours. As I said--a blur. Around midnight I remember going through a particularly hard contraction and feeling a pop. I immediately said to Mike, "I think my water broke." He asked if I felt a pop and I said yes, sat up and felt a gush. I told Mike that I was ready to go to the hospital but that I wanted to take a shower and try to relax first. When I got to the bathroom to get into the shower another contraction hit and I vomited all over myself and the floor. Mike helped get me undressed and into the shower. I told him to text Sam and tell her about the pop I felt. It was 12:30 and contractions were about 3 minutes apart.
I stayed in the shower while Mike texted Sam and called the on-call midwife. During this time I guess I decided it would be a good idea to shave my legs--what?!--because Mike came back into the bathroom while I was in the middle of a contraction and told me to drop the razor. I was moaning and leaning against the shower wall letting the hot water fall on my back. It took a lot of convincing to get me out of that shower and I vomited again before getting out. Mike put the dogs up, grabbed the last minute items we needed and we headed to the car. I asked him to slide the passenger seat all the way forward so that I could get in the back seat on my hands and knees--there was NO way I would be able to sit in a seat. Since it was the middle of the night there was no traffic, thankfully, but it was the longest 20 minute car ride EVER. Mike was doing his best to comfort me through contractions, putting one hand on my back and coaching me through each wave, as he drove. I asked Sam to hurry and told her how much it hurt. I was starting to get scared from the pain and my mind was doubting whether or not I could stick to my birth plan and forgo drugs. The ER parking lot was pretty empty and thankfully we found a spot right up front. It was 1:00 when we got there and I remember about five different people asking if I wanted a wheelchair. Didn't these people know that the last thing I wanted to do was to sit down?
While Mike answered a million questions I was leaning on the counter and moaning and rocking my hips to get through the contractions. I remember wondering if I was scaring the other people in the ER waiting area. The nurse kept asking me if I felt the urge to push but I wasn't feeling that yet. They had to page labor and delivery a second time because they were taking their sweet time. I vomited a third time--thank goodness Mike had brought a grocery bag. At 1:30 a nurse from L&D finally arrived--with a wheelchair that I didn't want--at the same time that Sam arrived. I don't know how long it took us to get upstairs because I had to stop a lot to get through the contractions. It was in the hallway that I said the words, "I don't want to do this anymore." for the first time. They put us in a triage room at first and I immediately noticed there was no tub. My birth plan was a water birth. It was then that we were informed that the plumbing was being repaired and would be out until 5 am. There was no way to fill a tub and I would not be getting my water birth.
Sam grabbed a birth ball and told me to try it out to see if it helped alleviate my back pain but I wanted nothing to do with it. I went to the bed and they hooked me up to the monitors--baby's heart rate was un-reactive/flat during contractions so constant monitoring was necessary. I was convinced I wanted an epidural. I insisted that I couldn't do it anymore and Mike kept reminding me that I was doing it. At 2:30 a nurse checked me and I was already 7cm and baby was fully in position! I had been having contractions on and off all day and exhaustion was grabbing hold--I started begging Mike for an epidural. I begged him not to be mad at me. He assured me that he was not mad at me and he reminded me of all the reasons I did not want an epidural in the first place--risk of labor stalling, risk of c-section, adverse reactions, etc. I wouldn't hear it though--I wanted relief--but Mike and Sam came up with a compromise: get through five more contractions and we would re-evaluate before committing to an epidural. Contractions were 1-1.5 minutes apart. I agreed but told them that I just wanted it to be over and that I didn't want to do it anymore. Again, I begged for the epidural and Sam reminded me that I had three more contractions to go.
At 3:00 the nurse began prepping me for the epidural by placing an IV. She couldn't get it started so the anesthesiologist came in to place the line. While the line was being placed I had bright bloody discharge and Sam was convinced that I was already at least 8 or maybe even 10 centimeters and she told me that I would have my baby in my arms by 4:30. Mike and Sam were doing everything they could to keep the epidural from being placed. They reminded me how far I had come, how hard I worked and how close I was to meeting my baby. I wasn't having any of it though and I was immediately moved to a delivery room after the IV was placed.
At 3:15 the anesthesiologist came into the room and very briefly explained the benefits and risks of an epidural. I thought to myself, "I am in no state to make a major decision like this. I can't believe they're letting me make a decision like this right now." Exactly two sentences came out of his mouth before he turned to Sam and rudely said, "When I place the epidural you need to leave the room." He was not pleased that Mike and Sam were trying to delay the epidural as long as possible. The anesthesiologist had brought in all the equipment for the epidural before any paperwork had even been signed so Sam asked the nurse to remove it all from the room.
They placed Hazel on my belly and as I sobbed I said to her, "Happy Birthday! We've waited so long to meet you!!!" I was in a daze--I felt as high as a kite. I didn't have my contacts in so I couldn't see her very clearly but I could hear her cry. I can not even begin to describe the relief I felt. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I could hardly believe that after 4.5 years I was finally holding a baby of my own. I remember looking at Mike and saying, "I did it! I can't believe I did it!" He looked into my eyes and said, "I can."
I asked Sam to come to our postpartum room with us because I wanted a picture of her and Hazel.
She was such a beautiful pink color and I told Mike, "She smells pink!'
Over the past few days I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my birth. I have never felt so proud of myself in my life. I was able to stick to my natural birth plan but I couldn't have done it without Samantha and Mike. Mike was absolutely amazing during the entire thing. He really was my source of comfort and support. I remember crying out to him in pain--I needed him. He did everything he could to help me stick to my birth plan. Even though I was begging for relief and for it to be over he knew knew how important a natural birth was to me and without his help I don't think I would have made it. As far as my doula Sam---neither Mike nor myself would have made it without her help and support. When the pain was at its worst she promised me that I would be having a baby in an hour and a half--and I did! During one particular bad contraction I looked at Mike and told him I wanted drugs. He said that I broke his soul with that look and he would have given in had Sam not been there to back him up. If you're even considering a natural birth--HIRE A DOULA. I will be forever grateful for Samantha's help during my labor and I like to think I've made a new lifetime friend.
I am so overcome with emotion as I look back on the pictures from that day. I feel such a strong spiritual connection with other women who have done this before me. I feel empowered. I feel strong. But...
Around 6:45 I felt the urgent need to get back to the house as soon as possible because I was afraid my food was going to go right through me. Luckily we hadn't gone too far from the house and I made it to the bathroom just in time. I had a loose stool, felt a little sick and still wasn't convinced that this was really labor. I updated Sam, my doula extraordinaire, and she assured me that this all sounded very promising and could be early labor. *Quotes are from the birth story Sam wrote for me.* I asked Mike if we could go walking again. This time we made it about 50 yards before I wanted to turn around and go home. I wanted to be in the privacy and security of our home and I wanted to rest. It was about 7:30 and I asked Mike if he would go buy me some Tylenol PM so I could try to get some sleep since my contractions were back to 7-8 minutes apart. Sam said that it definitely sounded like an on again off again pattern of prelabor and that my body was gearing up for the real thing! I told her that the pain I was feeling then was psyching me out for the big ones and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle 'real' labor pains. She assured me that the longer I had the prelabor contractions the longer my body would get to adjust and the "easier" my labor would be.
"Find
yourself a mantra. something that really jumps out at you. Keep that in
your mind! You and Mike have worked SO hard for this little lady--you
are already stronger than you know. You will work hard at bringing her
to your arms, but it's only for a short while. Minimal!"
8/9 7:36 pm
I remember having a really hard time getting comfortable in bed. I was feeling a lot of pressure and tightness in my back and preferred the hands and knees position when a contraction came. Mike rubbed my back and my feet and tried to keep me as relaxed as possible. Everything was totally quiet. I was no longer functional enough to grab my phone to track my contractions and I was moaning to get through it. Mike kept telling me, "Good job, Megan. Let it out, let it out..." This went on for the next few hours. As I said--a blur. Around midnight I remember going through a particularly hard contraction and feeling a pop. I immediately said to Mike, "I think my water broke." He asked if I felt a pop and I said yes, sat up and felt a gush. I told Mike that I was ready to go to the hospital but that I wanted to take a shower and try to relax first. When I got to the bathroom to get into the shower another contraction hit and I vomited all over myself and the floor. Mike helped get me undressed and into the shower. I told him to text Sam and tell her about the pop I felt. It was 12:30 and contractions were about 3 minutes apart.
I stayed in the shower while Mike texted Sam and called the on-call midwife. During this time I guess I decided it would be a good idea to shave my legs--what?!--because Mike came back into the bathroom while I was in the middle of a contraction and told me to drop the razor. I was moaning and leaning against the shower wall letting the hot water fall on my back. It took a lot of convincing to get me out of that shower and I vomited again before getting out. Mike put the dogs up, grabbed the last minute items we needed and we headed to the car. I asked him to slide the passenger seat all the way forward so that I could get in the back seat on my hands and knees--there was NO way I would be able to sit in a seat. Since it was the middle of the night there was no traffic, thankfully, but it was the longest 20 minute car ride EVER. Mike was doing his best to comfort me through contractions, putting one hand on my back and coaching me through each wave, as he drove. I asked Sam to hurry and told her how much it hurt. I was starting to get scared from the pain and my mind was doubting whether or not I could stick to my birth plan and forgo drugs. The ER parking lot was pretty empty and thankfully we found a spot right up front. It was 1:00 when we got there and I remember about five different people asking if I wanted a wheelchair. Didn't these people know that the last thing I wanted to do was to sit down?
While Mike answered a million questions I was leaning on the counter and moaning and rocking my hips to get through the contractions. I remember wondering if I was scaring the other people in the ER waiting area. The nurse kept asking me if I felt the urge to push but I wasn't feeling that yet. They had to page labor and delivery a second time because they were taking their sweet time. I vomited a third time--thank goodness Mike had brought a grocery bag. At 1:30 a nurse from L&D finally arrived--with a wheelchair that I didn't want--at the same time that Sam arrived. I don't know how long it took us to get upstairs because I had to stop a lot to get through the contractions. It was in the hallway that I said the words, "I don't want to do this anymore." for the first time. They put us in a triage room at first and I immediately noticed there was no tub. My birth plan was a water birth. It was then that we were informed that the plumbing was being repaired and would be out until 5 am. There was no way to fill a tub and I would not be getting my water birth.
Sam grabbed a birth ball and told me to try it out to see if it helped alleviate my back pain but I wanted nothing to do with it. I went to the bed and they hooked me up to the monitors--baby's heart rate was un-reactive/flat during contractions so constant monitoring was necessary. I was convinced I wanted an epidural. I insisted that I couldn't do it anymore and Mike kept reminding me that I was doing it. At 2:30 a nurse checked me and I was already 7cm and baby was fully in position! I had been having contractions on and off all day and exhaustion was grabbing hold--I started begging Mike for an epidural. I begged him not to be mad at me. He assured me that he was not mad at me and he reminded me of all the reasons I did not want an epidural in the first place--risk of labor stalling, risk of c-section, adverse reactions, etc. I wouldn't hear it though--I wanted relief--but Mike and Sam came up with a compromise: get through five more contractions and we would re-evaluate before committing to an epidural. Contractions were 1-1.5 minutes apart. I agreed but told them that I just wanted it to be over and that I didn't want to do it anymore. Again, I begged for the epidural and Sam reminded me that I had three more contractions to go.
At 3:00 the nurse began prepping me for the epidural by placing an IV. She couldn't get it started so the anesthesiologist came in to place the line. While the line was being placed I had bright bloody discharge and Sam was convinced that I was already at least 8 or maybe even 10 centimeters and she told me that I would have my baby in my arms by 4:30. Mike and Sam were doing everything they could to keep the epidural from being placed. They reminded me how far I had come, how hard I worked and how close I was to meeting my baby. I wasn't having any of it though and I was immediately moved to a delivery room after the IV was placed.
"Mike was doing a fantastic job helping Megan to remain centered and Megan had gotten herself into a great place, mentally and physically. Rocking seemed to be her rhythm and her urge to push had started."
I was starting to feel a lot of pressure and it was at this point that I felt myself snap out of la la land. I realized how close I was to meeting my baby girl. Our miracle. Still, it wasn't time to push yet so Sam helped me blow through contractions and resist the urge to push. My contractions were 2 minutes apart and I was getting about 4-6 minute breaks in between during my transition phase. Mike and Sam kept encouraging me and telling me how strong I was. We were getting so close and the midwife still wasn't there.
It took a lot of convincing to allow the nurse to check me again--I knew it was going to hurt and I didn't want more pain. At 3:35 I was 8.5 cm and while my contractions had slowed quite a bit the urge to push was getting stronger and stronger. I started to feel like someone was holding a match against my vagina--the burning was so intense but in a way it was a relief from the contractions that I had been feeling just minutes before. I think it was during this time that Mike had to remove his wedding ring because I may have been crushing his hand a wee bit. Mike asked if they had a chance to review my birth plan since we had requested immediate skin-to-skin, delay cord clamping and to retain my placenta.
"Megan knew it was almost time to push and her demeanor completely changed. She was ready to get to 10 cm and push Baby H. into her arms. She was completely focused and serious, no more desire for an epidural. At 3:50, before the nurse could even get out the door, Megan said she was feeling a lot of pressure and couldn't fight against pushing. She also let out a very vocal and very different reaction to that contraction, so we all knew it was time for her to push. Megan was at 10 cm and felt baby's head very down low. "
At 3:55 I started to push. I pushed when I wanted to push. The lights were low and there was no one screaming at me. I was allowing my body to do the work. There was no more resisting. I don't know how to describe it other than it felt like the world's biggest bowel movement. I remember telling myself with each contraction, "You are one step closer to meeting your baby...You are one step closer to meeting your baby." The midwife came in just before crowning. I was still laying on my side and putting a lot of energy into gripping the bed with my arms so they suggested I roll onto my back, grab my legs and put the energy into bearing down instead. I can hear Sam's voice saying, "You are so strong, Megan!" when I was pushing. This let me know that all my hard work was doing something. I was extremely vocal at this point and heard Mike make a noise that sounded like a laugh and I yelled, "Don't laugh at me!" he wasn't laughing. He was already crying. I asked, "Is she coming!?" and screaming out as I felt her head emerge. The ring of fire was intense but it was such a relief to be pushing. I could feel my body working toward something and I was so focused on my little girl being in my arms very soon. In one big gush I felt her emerge from my body and I heard the midwife and nurses say, "Look down Megan! Here's your baby!"
At 0417 Hazel Evelyn was born.
I was finally a mommy.
They placed Hazel on my belly and as I sobbed I said to her, "Happy Birthday! We've waited so long to meet you!!!" I was in a daze--I felt as high as a kite. I didn't have my contacts in so I couldn't see her very clearly but I could hear her cry. I can not even begin to describe the relief I felt. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I could hardly believe that after 4.5 years I was finally holding a baby of my own. I remember looking at Mike and saying, "I did it! I can't believe I did it!" He looked into my eyes and said, "I can."
I laid there in kind of a fog while we waited for her cord to stop pulsing. Mike got to do the honors of cutting it.
I felt like I was in a dream.
I told Mike that she smelled like vanilla.
I birthed my placenta without any issues and they took it away to make sure it was intact. Sam kept a close watch on it since we planned to take it home for encapsulation.
The midwife started to press on my abdomen to get my uterus to contract. I was told that I was bleeding a lot and they asked if they could give me a small dose of pitocin to help stop the bleeding. I was on a total baby high at that point. They probably could have told me they were injecting anti-freeze and I wouldn't have cared. I had a 2nd degree tear that needed to be stitched up as well but all I was thinking about was the new life in my arms.
While we were waiting to be moved into a postpartum room I told Mike how hungry I was. Thankfully we had planned ahead and packed some Clif Bars and Sam gave me some water. The sun was starting to come up.
Hazel came out with a lot of vernix on her lower body. She weighed 7 lb 12 oz and was 19.75 inches long. Her apgar score was 9/9.
I asked Sam to come to our postpartum room with us because I wanted a picture of her and Hazel.
There are no words to describe how I felt after giving birth to my miracle baby after four years of infertility. Numerous painful tests, a surgery, failed procedure after failed procedure, years of heartache. All of that went away in an instant.
Hazel was worth the wait.
Over the past few days I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my birth. I have never felt so proud of myself in my life. I was able to stick to my natural birth plan but I couldn't have done it without Samantha and Mike. Mike was absolutely amazing during the entire thing. He really was my source of comfort and support. I remember crying out to him in pain--I needed him. He did everything he could to help me stick to my birth plan. Even though I was begging for relief and for it to be over he knew knew how important a natural birth was to me and without his help I don't think I would have made it. As far as my doula Sam---neither Mike nor myself would have made it without her help and support. When the pain was at its worst she promised me that I would be having a baby in an hour and a half--and I did! During one particular bad contraction I looked at Mike and told him I wanted drugs. He said that I broke his soul with that look and he would have given in had Sam not been there to back him up. If you're even considering a natural birth--HIRE A DOULA. I will be forever grateful for Samantha's help during my labor and I like to think I've made a new lifetime friend.
I am so overcome with emotion as I look back on the pictures from that day. I feel such a strong spiritual connection with other women who have done this before me. I feel empowered. I feel strong. But...
If I had to pick one word to describe how I feel it would be
THANKFUL.
Thankful we found Dr. Moruzzi. Thankful our IVF worked. Thankful that we had loving and supportive friends and family who helped us through the dark times and rejoiced with us in the good. Thankful that I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and a textbook natural delivery. Thankful that Mike and Sam got me through it.
Thankful for my miracle baby.
Thankful for my miracle baby.
Even now, with all the emotions and memories of birth so fresh and raw, I would gladly do it all again tomorrow. She is so beyond what I could have ever imagined. She is my dream come true.
Aug 1, 2012
We're Having a Baby This Month!
Happy August 1st, everyone. I can not believe I can now say, "We're having a baby this month!!!!!" Where has the time gone? I definitely feel like the first two trimesters just flew by and this third has been draaaaagging on. Probably because we've been pretty much prepared for her arrival since 30 weeks. I finished my baby quilt a couple weeks ago and I've been just twiddling my thumbs since. The days seem to drag on and on but that might also be because it pretty much hurts and exhausts me to do anything. Getting out of bed is the worse! Thanks to pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel, my hands and wrists ache. My feet ache. My belly and back ache. Despite all that, I'm still not ready to be done. I mean I am, but I'm not. I'm going to miss being pregnant. I'm going to miss feeling her move inside me. I'm going to miss having her all to myself.
With that said.....
I can't wait to meet her! I can't wait to smell that intoxicating baby smell on her head. I can't wait to look into her eyes and tell her that I'm her mommy. I can't wait to ignore my messy house because I'm too busy snuggling with my baby girl. I can't wait to see Mike melt into an absolute puddle when he meets his daughter for the first time. I can't wait to nurse her and gaze into her eyes--I think knowing that I'm giving her all the nourishment she needs is going to be one of the most empowering things I'll ever feel. I still can't believe that after 4.5 years of waiting, we are going to meet our daughter this month!
During this pregnancy I have been doing a lot to prepare for her arrival. Besides the obvious shopping for clothes, cloth diapers, baby gear, etc. I have been doing some other things to prepare both physically and mentally. I thought I'd share these things for anyone else who may be interested too.
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
By far my FAVORITE book that I've read on birth. Birth is not to be feared. Birth is natural. Birth is not a medical condition that needs to be treated. (Unless you're high risk and have medical issues that need to be treated, obviously.) Am I nervous for the pain of childbirth? Yes. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. However, I know my body was designed to do this and I welcome the natural process. Honestly, the pain and recovery from a c-section scares me more. I remember how awful I felt after my laparoscopy last summer and I remember saying to Mike, "I can't even imagine feeling this way and having to care for a newborn." Even if you're the type of person who wants nothing to do with a midwife or wants an epidural as soon as she gets to the hospital, I still highly suggest you read this book. Did you know that the average American spends more time researching cars or a new computer than they spend on researching childbirth? It's crazy! Like infertility and IVF, I couldn't imagine going into this with no knowledge. It just blows my mind how blindly some people can follow their doctors. If I did that I would probably still be in the shitty clinic on post, trying like hell to get pregnant instead of anticipating the birth of my baby girl but I digress. Some of it is a little hippy-dippy but it has so much great information and some really wonderful birth stories.
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
I loved this book so much I read it twice! This book far exceeded any other book I read about breastfeeding. It was incredibly informative and got me totally pumped to nurse my baby girl!. I wish every woman who says, "I am going to try to breastfeed...." would read this! I have no doubts that I can and will breastfeed my daughter. It may come with some issues but I now know who to see if I need help and Mike knows that his role in supporting me in my endeavors is just as important as my role as a nursing mom. I read other books about breastfeeding too and this was by far my favorite.
Natural Hospital Birth: The Best of Both Worlds
This book was great! While I already knew about things like c-section statistics, interventions, rooming in, etc. It helped me be more prepared to advocate for myself and our wishes in a hospital setting. I'm not too worried about getting pushed around by doctors or nurses, mostly because I've heard nothing but great things about my hospital being very supportive of natural birth moms, but also because I know Mike won't allow it. He is not to to allow others bully him and he will definitely speak up for us when I can't. Also, I'll have my doula there!
Red Raspberry Leaf Tea
I've been trying to drink at least one cup a day since a couple weeks after I hit my second trimester. Contrary to popular belief, this does not induce labor. It is a uterine toner and can help make contractions during labor more efficient and help prevent postpartum hemorrhaging. It also helps with fertility and menstrual cramps. Luckily, I'm a big tea drinker so I don't mind the taste though a lot of people say it's too bland for them. It's very refreshing iced as well! For more on the benefits of drinking RRL tea check out this article. You can find RRL tea at Super.Supplements or in a Natural Foods section of your grocery store. Am.azon sells it for a good deal too!
Evening Primrose Oil
Again, contrary to popular belief this does not directly induce labor. Evening Primrose Oil contains an essential fatty acid that is converted into a prostaglandin by our bodies, which is what softens our cervix during pregnancy and labor. Semen also contains naturally prostaglandins and can help your cervix ripen. However, sex can be quite uncomfortable and difficult at this point in pregnancy so needless to say I figured the EPO wouldn't hurt as well. At my 37 week appointment my midwife gave me the green light to start using EPO to help prepare my cervix for birth. I insert two gel caps into my vagina every night before bed (make sure to use a pad or pantyliner as this can get messy!) Starting next week I will up the dosage to 3. The gel caps are dissolved by morning and hopefully the EPO is doing it's thing overnight! It does not work right away, of course. It takes a few weeks to ripen and soften the cervix. I could have started it at 36 weeks but I didn't have an appointment then and I wanted to talk with my midwife to make sure it was okay to start it. It's always a good idea to talk to your care provider before starting any kind of herbal or medicinal regiment.
Big Bouncy Ball
I wish I would have bought one ages ago! This is the only thing that brings me instant relief for back pain. I bounce on it whenever my back feels tight and try to spend at least an hour a day on it. I sit on while I'm watching the Olympics and pretend I'm a lot more than just a huge pregnant lady bouncing on a ball. Sitting on the ball is *almost* as good as the squatting position but much, much easier. Have you ever tried to squat when you're 40 pounds heavier and your center of gravity is totally off? It's not pretty. This position opens the pelvis and helps baby get in prime position for birth! It also feels really, really good on my back and hips. And your animals look at you like you're crazy:
Walking
I always said that I wasn't going to be lazy during pregnancy and except for those first few months where I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING--I've been pretty good about staying somewhat active. Plus those first few months were winter in the Pacific NW aka cold and rainy season--so I had an excuse, right? ;) Now that my swelling is gone for the most part, I have been going on walks with Mike when he gets home from work. Thankfully it doesn't take too much pleading on my part to get him to go with me because he knows it's good for me and the baby (and the doggies!) We don't go far, mostly because my back gets really tight and painful, but we try to do at least a mile. Most days we do about 1.25-1.5 miles, which seems amazingly far when you are waddling the entire way. I get a lot of stares from people passing by. Haha. I normally feel some cervical pressure by the end of the walk so I hope it's doing something to help the progress along.
I know I've already said this but we're having a baby this month! Only 16 days until my due date but I won't be surprised if I go post date. I hope that doesn't happen since we're moving so soon but if it comes to that Mike and I have decided to wait until 40 weeks to talk about eviction. Mike and I both guessed that she'll make her arrival on the 14th so I guess we'll see! Have you put in your guess yet?
Oh and I had to share this funny picture! Mike and I went up to Seattle last weekend to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law one last time before the babies start arriving. My SIL now has over 14 pounds of babies in her! She's due August 19 and so far they've shown no signs of coming any time soon. I know she's as ready to meet her babies as I am!
With that said.....
I can't wait to meet her! I can't wait to smell that intoxicating baby smell on her head. I can't wait to look into her eyes and tell her that I'm her mommy. I can't wait to ignore my messy house because I'm too busy snuggling with my baby girl. I can't wait to see Mike melt into an absolute puddle when he meets his daughter for the first time. I can't wait to nurse her and gaze into her eyes--I think knowing that I'm giving her all the nourishment she needs is going to be one of the most empowering things I'll ever feel. I still can't believe that after 4.5 years of waiting, we are going to meet our daughter this month!
During this pregnancy I have been doing a lot to prepare for her arrival. Besides the obvious shopping for clothes, cloth diapers, baby gear, etc. I have been doing some other things to prepare both physically and mentally. I thought I'd share these things for anyone else who may be interested too.
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
By far my FAVORITE book that I've read on birth. Birth is not to be feared. Birth is natural. Birth is not a medical condition that needs to be treated. (Unless you're high risk and have medical issues that need to be treated, obviously.) Am I nervous for the pain of childbirth? Yes. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. However, I know my body was designed to do this and I welcome the natural process. Honestly, the pain and recovery from a c-section scares me more. I remember how awful I felt after my laparoscopy last summer and I remember saying to Mike, "I can't even imagine feeling this way and having to care for a newborn." Even if you're the type of person who wants nothing to do with a midwife or wants an epidural as soon as she gets to the hospital, I still highly suggest you read this book. Did you know that the average American spends more time researching cars or a new computer than they spend on researching childbirth? It's crazy! Like infertility and IVF, I couldn't imagine going into this with no knowledge. It just blows my mind how blindly some people can follow their doctors. If I did that I would probably still be in the shitty clinic on post, trying like hell to get pregnant instead of anticipating the birth of my baby girl but I digress. Some of it is a little hippy-dippy but it has so much great information and some really wonderful birth stories.
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
I loved this book so much I read it twice! This book far exceeded any other book I read about breastfeeding. It was incredibly informative and got me totally pumped to nurse my baby girl!. I wish every woman who says, "I am going to try to breastfeed...." would read this! I have no doubts that I can and will breastfeed my daughter. It may come with some issues but I now know who to see if I need help and Mike knows that his role in supporting me in my endeavors is just as important as my role as a nursing mom. I read other books about breastfeeding too and this was by far my favorite.
This book was great! While I already knew about things like c-section statistics, interventions, rooming in, etc. It helped me be more prepared to advocate for myself and our wishes in a hospital setting. I'm not too worried about getting pushed around by doctors or nurses, mostly because I've heard nothing but great things about my hospital being very supportive of natural birth moms, but also because I know Mike won't allow it. He is not to to allow others bully him and he will definitely speak up for us when I can't. Also, I'll have my doula there!
Red Raspberry Leaf Tea
I've been trying to drink at least one cup a day since a couple weeks after I hit my second trimester. Contrary to popular belief, this does not induce labor. It is a uterine toner and can help make contractions during labor more efficient and help prevent postpartum hemorrhaging. It also helps with fertility and menstrual cramps. Luckily, I'm a big tea drinker so I don't mind the taste though a lot of people say it's too bland for them. It's very refreshing iced as well! For more on the benefits of drinking RRL tea check out this article. You can find RRL tea at Super.Supplements or in a Natural Foods section of your grocery store. Am.azon sells it for a good deal too!
Evening Primrose Oil
Again, contrary to popular belief this does not directly induce labor. Evening Primrose Oil contains an essential fatty acid that is converted into a prostaglandin by our bodies, which is what softens our cervix during pregnancy and labor. Semen also contains naturally prostaglandins and can help your cervix ripen. However, sex can be quite uncomfortable and difficult at this point in pregnancy so needless to say I figured the EPO wouldn't hurt as well. At my 37 week appointment my midwife gave me the green light to start using EPO to help prepare my cervix for birth. I insert two gel caps into my vagina every night before bed (make sure to use a pad or pantyliner as this can get messy!) Starting next week I will up the dosage to 3. The gel caps are dissolved by morning and hopefully the EPO is doing it's thing overnight! It does not work right away, of course. It takes a few weeks to ripen and soften the cervix. I could have started it at 36 weeks but I didn't have an appointment then and I wanted to talk with my midwife to make sure it was okay to start it. It's always a good idea to talk to your care provider before starting any kind of herbal or medicinal regiment.
Big Bouncy Ball
I wish I would have bought one ages ago! This is the only thing that brings me instant relief for back pain. I bounce on it whenever my back feels tight and try to spend at least an hour a day on it. I sit on while I'm watching the Olympics and pretend I'm a lot more than just a huge pregnant lady bouncing on a ball. Sitting on the ball is *almost* as good as the squatting position but much, much easier. Have you ever tried to squat when you're 40 pounds heavier and your center of gravity is totally off? It's not pretty. This position opens the pelvis and helps baby get in prime position for birth! It also feels really, really good on my back and hips. And your animals look at you like you're crazy:
 | ||
Bailey wondering what I'm doing.
|
Walking
I always said that I wasn't going to be lazy during pregnancy and except for those first few months where I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING--I've been pretty good about staying somewhat active. Plus those first few months were winter in the Pacific NW aka cold and rainy season--so I had an excuse, right? ;) Now that my swelling is gone for the most part, I have been going on walks with Mike when he gets home from work. Thankfully it doesn't take too much pleading on my part to get him to go with me because he knows it's good for me and the baby (and the doggies!) We don't go far, mostly because my back gets really tight and painful, but we try to do at least a mile. Most days we do about 1.25-1.5 miles, which seems amazingly far when you are waddling the entire way. I get a lot of stares from people passing by. Haha. I normally feel some cervical pressure by the end of the walk so I hope it's doing something to help the progress along.
I know I've already said this but we're having a baby this month! Only 16 days until my due date but I won't be surprised if I go post date. I hope that doesn't happen since we're moving so soon but if it comes to that Mike and I have decided to wait until 40 weeks to talk about eviction. Mike and I both guessed that she'll make her arrival on the 14th so I guess we'll see! Have you put in your guess yet?
Oh and I had to share this funny picture! Mike and I went up to Seattle last weekend to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law one last time before the babies start arriving. My SIL now has over 14 pounds of babies in her! She's due August 19 and so far they've shown no signs of coming any time soon. I know she's as ready to meet her babies as I am!
 |
| Mike's magical floating head |
May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
It's Mother's Day and for the past few years this has been a day surrounded by heartache. Everywhere I turned there was a card, a box of chocolates, a 1-800-FLOWERS commercial, SOMETHING to remind me of what I didn't have, the one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world. While I am still just an expectant mom, I've decided to embrace this holiday this year. No matter what happens form here on out, I will ALWAYS be a mom. Mike woke me up this morning by saying, "Happy Mommies Day!" and I teared up. I'm just so incredibly thankful to be where I am.
I've been thinking a lot about how far we've come in the the past year. I wrote this last Mother's Day:
Holidays are always hard when you're infertile. So many holidays are centered around children, often making them unbearable for an infertile couple. Mother's Day is a day to celebrate our own moms and all they've done for us but it is also a day to celebrate our own motherhood...or it should be. The banners, the tearjerker cards, the commercials and even the Mother's Day sales on luggage are a painful reminder that I am not yet a mother. We found out that our first IUI attempt failed just in time to "celebrate" Mother's Day. With each holiday that passes, I think to myself, "Next year will be different." It never is. This will be the third Mother's Day to pass since I started trying to become a mom. I can't wait for this Mother's Day season to be over and I feel so guilty for feeling that way.I'm not asking for sympathy and I certainly don't want your pity. All I'm asking is that those of you who are already mothers take a moment and remember the barren women who are suffering and counting the seconds until Mother's Day is over. Remember the women who have lost their babies, the women who are being poked and probed, undergoing test after test and failed procedure after failed procedure, or miles of bureaucratic red tape waiting for their adoption match. Please remember the women who are going to hell and back for their chance to become a mom and pray that by next Mother's Day their hearts will be healed and their arms will be wrapped around the child they fought so hard for.
Here are some tidbits from different articles that I've read this week. I found them them interesting/comforting/meaningful/perfect:
"Holidays also mark the passing of another year. "Many couples say to themselves, 'Maybe next year at this time we'll have a baby to love,' and as the holiday passes without a pregnancy or a birth, feelings of defeat flood in," said Shapiro in her book Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.
Infertility is a loss that couples share, but women mourn it differently. "It's the woman's body that sustains the pregnancy, delivers the baby, nurses the baby, and little girls are socialized from their youngest years to anticipate motherhood as an integral part of their lives."
Shapiro said it's especially difficult for would-be mothers in their 20s and 30s not to be part of the "Club" that passes around sonograms, has baby showers at work, and talks, almost constantly, it seems, about everything from Lamaze classes to toilet training" http://www.aces.uiuc.edu/news/stories/news2309.html
"This year when the fill-in-the-blank (pastor, priest, minister, rabbi, etc.) asks all women in the congregation who are mothers to stand to be recognized, you might take a closer look at the women who remain seated. There are many among them grateful that only a few hours remain to be endured in the annual Mother’s Day season." http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/07/a-non-mothers-day/
"It is good and right to honor mothers. The Bible calls us to do so. Jesus does so with his own mother. We must recognize though that many infertile women find this day almost unbearable. This is not because these women are (necessarily) bitter or covetous or envious. The day is simply a reminder of unfulfilled longings, longings that are good." http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/russellmoore/remember-the-infertile-on-mothers-day.html
"Just about every woman has a child in her life, by relation or by choice, whom she loves and adores. Every boo-boo she kisses, every little hand she holds, every hug she gives is a gift to that family. And every time a PANK® (Professional Aunt No Kids) stays late so a mom can leave early to attend to a sick child, or takes on double the work when a new mom is on maternity leave, she's contributing to the national American Family Village.
These Savvy Aunties are not childless. They are childfull; they choose to love the children they know and give to children around the nation -- and around the world.
It's time to embrace all the maternal women in a child's life this Mother's Day. It's time to open the door and welcome Auntie in." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/mothers-day-other-mothers_b_857328.html?ref=fb&src=sp
"So this Mother’s Day, look around your church. Sitting in a chair or pew is a hurting woman who wants to celebrate the day, but is struggling with the pain of infertility. If you are a mother, it is a day to celebrate and be honored. But in your time of celebration and giving thanks to God for the blessings of your children, whisper a prayer for the other women - those with empty arms because of infertility, miscarriage, abortion, and even death. They are suffering their own private pain. Don’t offer platitudes, pity, or answers. Instead, offer yourself as a source of comfort and prayer." http://blogs.cbn.com/familymatters/archive/2010/05/06/mothers-day-a-painful-reminder-of-infertility.aspx
Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the "moms" in my own life who helped shape me and make me the woman that I am today. Happy Mother's Day to all of the expectant moms, moms of angels, fur baby moms, adoptive moms and future moms!
I know that when I was struggling, I had a really hard time reading success stories. Sometimes they gave me hope but most of the time I was too bitter to be happy. I would be lying if I didn't notice that my blog traffic significantly died down after my BFP. It didn't surprise or upset me though. I totally understand what it's like to feel like you're the only one still waiting for your miracle. Sometimes self preservation is the only way you can survive infertility. There has recently been some talk in a few forums that I belong to about how PAIF women seem to forget what it's like to struggle since some pregnant women post ultrasound photos and talk about their pregnancies non-stop, despite having infertile friends. I truly hope that I haven't caused any of my infertile friends and loved ones more heartache, though I understand what it's like to have someone living their dream right before your eyes. Okay, I feel like I'm rambling. The point of this post is that while I am extremely happy and thankful to be expecting a miracle baby, my heart is still with all of you who are still longing and praying for your chance to be a mom, whether it be through infertility treatments, adoption or surrogacy. Please know that I am thinking of you today, for I know the heartache that you're feeling. I pray that God lifts you up and that by this time next year we will all have beautiful, healthy babies in your arms!
 |
| For all still waiting for their dreams to come true. |
May 10, 2012
For My Military Readers
RESOLVE is looking for women and men currently serving in the military or who have served in the military and who are facing infertility. We are asking you to create and send a video of your personal story for RESOLVE to show when meeting with Members of Congress about the Family Act—a bill in both the House and Senate that would provide a tax-credit for out-of-pocket expenses associated with IVF.
We are looking for couples who are currently facing this type of situation:
1. You and your spouse have been diagnosed with infertility.
2. You have been told that IVF is the best course of treatment for your infertility.
3. You are unable to pursue IVF because of the cost associated with the treatment.
If interested in creating a video for RESOLVE, please contact Rebecca Flick at rflick@resolve.
We are looking for couples who are currently facing this type of situation:
1. You and your spouse have been diagnosed with infertility.
2. You have been told that IVF is the best course of treatment for your infertility.
3. You are unable to pursue IVF because of the cost associated with the treatment.
If interested in creating a video for RESOLVE, please contact Rebecca Flick at rflick@resolve.
Apr 22, 2012
National Infertility Awareness Week
Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week. This year I am posting from the other side of infertility but I still remember those who are still longing for their miracle. Please educate yourselves. Sometimes "helpful" advice can cause enormous amounts of pain. "Just Relax!" "Stop trying so hard!" "Don't worry; you're young!" "Maybe it's a sign that you're not meant to be a parent." (Oh yes but that crackhead deserved a baby, sure...) Yeah......heard them all.If you have no personal experience with infertility be sure to check out this article so that you can be sure to say the RIGHT thing to someone struggling with IF.
The 10 Worst Things to Say to Someone TTC
Breastfeeding Twins Q&A
Last week I did a Breastfeeding Q&A with my friend who has a six week old baby boy and has had a very successful breastfeeding relationship so far. My hopes and purpose for the Q&A was that it would help educate women who may be on the fence about breastfeeding and to encourage mommies who may be having difficult in their own breastfeeding journey. I received a couple comments from pregnant twin mommies who were wondering about aspects of nursing two babies. I immediately thought of a woman from my local Natural Mamas group who was recently blessed with a set of twins. She and I actually had similarly negative experiences with the infertility clinic on post and went on to use the same RE for our IVF cycles. Again, the questions I asked are some of my own and some of them stem from debates and discussions I've observed through lurking on various forums. I hope all of you moms of multiples out there will be encouraged by this twin mama's breastfeeding journey! It's a rocky road but it is possible to successfully breastfeed twins. Thank you so much for your help, Dasie!
Why did you want to breastfeed?
I originally wanted to breast feed because it seemed like the most natural thing to do. I had always heard "breast is best," so I started researching when I found out I was pregnant. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed because I was having twins. Through my research I discovered many women have been able to exclusively breastfeed their twins with no issues. I decided I was set on doing it until the babies weaned themselves.
Were you exposed to breastfeeding as a child? Was it considered "the norm" in you family culture?
Yes, breastfeeding was the norm for my family. Everyone breastfed, with the exception of my one aunt. She had medical reasons that she could not breastfeed her babies.
What did you do to prepare for breastfeeding?
I honestly didn't do much to prepare for breastfeeding. I talked to my mom about it since she had breast fed me and my brother, researched online about how best to breastfeed twins, and just talked to other mama's that I knew breast fed their babies. Other than that, the only thing I did, as suggested by my mom was to play with, tug on, and otherwise "toughen up" my nipples so they wouldn't be so sore in the beginning.
Does it really come naturally?
For me, breast feeding definitely has NOT come naturally. It is something I have worked at, struggled with, and cried over since the beginning. I am still struggling with it at 2 months in. But, it's all worth the struggle in the end to see my two little babies happy and satisfied.
What did the first latch feel like?
The first latch is really hard to explain. I was still kind of in shock from having the twins. It felt amazing, and natural (the only time breastfeeding has felt that way). It was such a once in a lifetime experience seeing my two little ones looking up at me trying to figure me out.
Did your nurses try to push formula on you in the hospital?
I truly feel like one nurse in particular pushed it on me big time. It was a night nurse I had that did the 36 hour post birth weight. She told me the babies had lost too much weight and that I needed to give them formula to supplement. I knew that giving formula would hurt my chances of being successful at EBFing, so instead I asked her to check my latch and help me that way. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. She said that she "couldn't do that." and walked out of the room. 3 hours later, she comes back in, waking me and the babies telling me that I needed to give them formula or the babies wouldn't be allowed to leave. Of course, I broke down and gave them formula. The other nurses were nothing like this one nurse, and were in fact very supportive of me breastfeeding the babies.
My baby was screaming from hunger before my milk came in. Shouldn't I give him formula?
This one is a tough one, and I really think it is your personal decision. I came across this very situation, and I ended up giving formula. It took 8 days for my milk to come in, and the babies were just so hungry. I would give them formula through a very thin tube attached to my nipple with a syringe on the end. It helped give me the nipple stimulation I needed to establish a supply while giving them the food they needed.
What do you have against formula? It seems so much easier!
I have nothing against formula, I still give formula to my kids, but I don't think formula is easier than breast feeding. When you breastfeed all you have to do is "whip out the boob" and Voila, you're feeding your baby. This because a life saver in the middle of the night. I honestly don't know how someone would only bottle feed twins. Between the cleaning, sterilizing, heating up formula, feeding, I don't think there would be extra time left for me to relax. This all doesn't even include the cost of so many bottles and all that formula!
How long did it take for your milk to come in?
It took my milk 8 days to come in, and honestly about 10 days before I was "full" of milk. I was induced and on lasix and a bunch of other meds for pre-eclampsia, so that didn't help my milk coming in at all.
Did you see a lactation specialist in the hospital?
Yes, I saw a LC in the hospital. The one I saw was not very helpful at all. In fact, she kept pushing formula on me, but that is NOT the norm for an LC. LC's are a very valuable resource and can make or break a breastfeeding relationship.
How often do you have to feed your babies? I heard formula babies sleep longer.
In the beginning, I fed the babies every 2 hours like clockwork around the clock. Now at 2 months, they eat about every 2-3 hours during the day, and 2-3 times at night. I can say, from experience, that formula does not make them sleep longer. They still wake at the same intervals no matter what.
How do you know your baby is getting enough milk?
I know they're getting enough because they are happy and content after nursing. Babies always let you know when they are hungry.
How do you keep your supply up with twins?
Since your milk supply is based on supply and demand, I just make sure I am putting the babies to the breast very frequently. I have an underlying medical condition that causes me to have low supply, so I take a 3 capsules of fenugreek 5 times a day. I also eat a healthy diet with plenty of oatmeal and brewers yeast in it. Tandem feeding also helps keep up supply because you are being stimulated at the same time which causes a more effective let down.
Do you pump?
For the first 4 weeks I pumped, but then I stopped. Pumping didn't work for me. I couldn't let down for the pump, and all it did is hurt. I pumped in the beginning after every feeding for 10 minutes to help establish a better supply.
Has there ever been a moment where you just want to give up?
I want to give up about 2-3 times a week! Breastfeeding for me is really hard. It's not hard because I have twins or it's inconvenient, but because my medical issues make me have a lower supply. I keep on with it though, making and reaching small goals for myself. First goal was 2 weeks, then 4, then 6, now every month I give myself a pat on the back. I am hoping and praying I can make it to 6 months. Again, this is all because of my medical condition. Very few women have an actual issue with their supply.
Are your breasts sore all the time?
Honestly, my breasts have only been sore one time that I can remember. They were sore that one time because I wasn't making sure the babies were latched properly.
Do you wake up leaking?
Sometimes I wake up leaking and some times I don't. It is never that much though.
How do you feel about nursing in public? Do you nurse in public?
I love nursing in public. I am always discreet about it, and usually do it in a carrier. I think it is good for people to see a woman nursing her baby. The more people see it, the more culturally acceptable BFing will become.
Breastfeeding is a natural thing. Why do I need to "prepare" for it?
I am really big in to education and informing yourself about options and tips and tricks related to breast feeding. There is a lot that you don't "naturally" know, and a lot of problems that you can run in to. Breast feeding may be natural process, but it is not by any means easy to do.
Do you think it's possible to be successful if you don't prepare?
I do believe it is possible to be successful if you don't prepare, but I think you are less likely to be successful. It is about the will power of the individual. I could have given up a million and a half times, but I haven't. That fact, and that alone, is why I have been successful.
Where do your babies sleep?
For convenience, the babies sleep in a pack 'n play in the living room. We have a changing station and my breastfeeding station set up there. I tandem feed through the night, so it was the easiest way for that to happen.
How does your husband feel about breastfeeding?
My husband is very supportive of my breastfeeding. Honestly, without his support, I probably would not be breastfeeding as much as I do now. He is still a little wary of me nursing in public, but still supports it. Support is so much more important than you expect it to be when breast feeding.
But aren't breasts sexual?
Breasts are sexual, and then again they are not. Breasts are sexual when it's "mommy & daddy time" but not when I am feeding my children. When I was pregnant, I thought it might be hard to feel the difference between the two, but now it really isn't at all.
My own 2 cents:
I know a lot of twin moms will come across so much negativity when expressing their wishes for breastfeeding. DON'T LISTEN!! If you want to BF your twins, then you can. Educate yourselves and don't fall prey to all the anti-BFing propaganda out there. I would highly suggest investing in a twin breast feeding pillow like "My brestfriend". It would be impossible for me to tandem feed without it. I would also start tandem feeding early on, at the hospital. There will never be a time where you have as much help as you do in the hospital. Make those nurses work for you!
Why did you want to breastfeed?
I originally wanted to breast feed because it seemed like the most natural thing to do. I had always heard "breast is best," so I started researching when I found out I was pregnant. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed because I was having twins. Through my research I discovered many women have been able to exclusively breastfeed their twins with no issues. I decided I was set on doing it until the babies weaned themselves.
Were you exposed to breastfeeding as a child? Was it considered "the norm" in you family culture?
Yes, breastfeeding was the norm for my family. Everyone breastfed, with the exception of my one aunt. She had medical reasons that she could not breastfeed her babies.
What did you do to prepare for breastfeeding?
I honestly didn't do much to prepare for breastfeeding. I talked to my mom about it since she had breast fed me and my brother, researched online about how best to breastfeed twins, and just talked to other mama's that I knew breast fed their babies. Other than that, the only thing I did, as suggested by my mom was to play with, tug on, and otherwise "toughen up" my nipples so they wouldn't be so sore in the beginning.
Does it really come naturally?
For me, breast feeding definitely has NOT come naturally. It is something I have worked at, struggled with, and cried over since the beginning. I am still struggling with it at 2 months in. But, it's all worth the struggle in the end to see my two little babies happy and satisfied.
What did the first latch feel like?
The first latch is really hard to explain. I was still kind of in shock from having the twins. It felt amazing, and natural (the only time breastfeeding has felt that way). It was such a once in a lifetime experience seeing my two little ones looking up at me trying to figure me out.
Did your nurses try to push formula on you in the hospital?
I truly feel like one nurse in particular pushed it on me big time. It was a night nurse I had that did the 36 hour post birth weight. She told me the babies had lost too much weight and that I needed to give them formula to supplement. I knew that giving formula would hurt my chances of being successful at EBFing, so instead I asked her to check my latch and help me that way. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. She said that she "couldn't do that." and walked out of the room. 3 hours later, she comes back in, waking me and the babies telling me that I needed to give them formula or the babies wouldn't be allowed to leave. Of course, I broke down and gave them formula. The other nurses were nothing like this one nurse, and were in fact very supportive of me breastfeeding the babies.
My baby was screaming from hunger before my milk came in. Shouldn't I give him formula?
This one is a tough one, and I really think it is your personal decision. I came across this very situation, and I ended up giving formula. It took 8 days for my milk to come in, and the babies were just so hungry. I would give them formula through a very thin tube attached to my nipple with a syringe on the end. It helped give me the nipple stimulation I needed to establish a supply while giving them the food they needed.
What do you have against formula? It seems so much easier!
I have nothing against formula, I still give formula to my kids, but I don't think formula is easier than breast feeding. When you breastfeed all you have to do is "whip out the boob" and Voila, you're feeding your baby. This because a life saver in the middle of the night. I honestly don't know how someone would only bottle feed twins. Between the cleaning, sterilizing, heating up formula, feeding, I don't think there would be extra time left for me to relax. This all doesn't even include the cost of so many bottles and all that formula!
How long did it take for your milk to come in?
It took my milk 8 days to come in, and honestly about 10 days before I was "full" of milk. I was induced and on lasix and a bunch of other meds for pre-eclampsia, so that didn't help my milk coming in at all.
Did you see a lactation specialist in the hospital?
Yes, I saw a LC in the hospital. The one I saw was not very helpful at all. In fact, she kept pushing formula on me, but that is NOT the norm for an LC. LC's are a very valuable resource and can make or break a breastfeeding relationship.
How often do you have to feed your babies? I heard formula babies sleep longer.
In the beginning, I fed the babies every 2 hours like clockwork around the clock. Now at 2 months, they eat about every 2-3 hours during the day, and 2-3 times at night. I can say, from experience, that formula does not make them sleep longer. They still wake at the same intervals no matter what.
How do you know your baby is getting enough milk?
I know they're getting enough because they are happy and content after nursing. Babies always let you know when they are hungry.
How do you keep your supply up with twins?
Since your milk supply is based on supply and demand, I just make sure I am putting the babies to the breast very frequently. I have an underlying medical condition that causes me to have low supply, so I take a 3 capsules of fenugreek 5 times a day. I also eat a healthy diet with plenty of oatmeal and brewers yeast in it. Tandem feeding also helps keep up supply because you are being stimulated at the same time which causes a more effective let down.
Do you pump?
For the first 4 weeks I pumped, but then I stopped. Pumping didn't work for me. I couldn't let down for the pump, and all it did is hurt. I pumped in the beginning after every feeding for 10 minutes to help establish a better supply.
Has there ever been a moment where you just want to give up?
I want to give up about 2-3 times a week! Breastfeeding for me is really hard. It's not hard because I have twins or it's inconvenient, but because my medical issues make me have a lower supply. I keep on with it though, making and reaching small goals for myself. First goal was 2 weeks, then 4, then 6, now every month I give myself a pat on the back. I am hoping and praying I can make it to 6 months. Again, this is all because of my medical condition. Very few women have an actual issue with their supply.
Are your breasts sore all the time?
Honestly, my breasts have only been sore one time that I can remember. They were sore that one time because I wasn't making sure the babies were latched properly.
Do you wake up leaking?
Sometimes I wake up leaking and some times I don't. It is never that much though.
How do you feel about nursing in public? Do you nurse in public?
I love nursing in public. I am always discreet about it, and usually do it in a carrier. I think it is good for people to see a woman nursing her baby. The more people see it, the more culturally acceptable BFing will become.
Breastfeeding is a natural thing. Why do I need to "prepare" for it?
I am really big in to education and informing yourself about options and tips and tricks related to breast feeding. There is a lot that you don't "naturally" know, and a lot of problems that you can run in to. Breast feeding may be natural process, but it is not by any means easy to do.
Do you think it's possible to be successful if you don't prepare?
I do believe it is possible to be successful if you don't prepare, but I think you are less likely to be successful. It is about the will power of the individual. I could have given up a million and a half times, but I haven't. That fact, and that alone, is why I have been successful.
Where do your babies sleep?
For convenience, the babies sleep in a pack 'n play in the living room. We have a changing station and my breastfeeding station set up there. I tandem feed through the night, so it was the easiest way for that to happen.
How does your husband feel about breastfeeding?
My husband is very supportive of my breastfeeding. Honestly, without his support, I probably would not be breastfeeding as much as I do now. He is still a little wary of me nursing in public, but still supports it. Support is so much more important than you expect it to be when breast feeding.
But aren't breasts sexual?
Breasts are sexual, and then again they are not. Breasts are sexual when it's "mommy & daddy time" but not when I am feeding my children. When I was pregnant, I thought it might be hard to feel the difference between the two, but now it really isn't at all.
My own 2 cents:
I know a lot of twin moms will come across so much negativity when expressing their wishes for breastfeeding. DON'T LISTEN!! If you want to BF your twins, then you can. Educate yourselves and don't fall prey to all the anti-BFing propaganda out there. I would highly suggest investing in a twin breast feeding pillow like "My brestfriend". It would be impossible for me to tandem feed without it. I would also start tandem feeding early on, at the hospital. There will never be a time where you have as much help as you do in the hospital. Make those nurses work for you!
Apr 19, 2012
I Do Not Consent
I read this article a few days ago and was absolutely horrified. There seems to be a lot of speculation in the comments as to whether or not something like this could actually happen. As unfortunate and scary as this is, I believe something like this could absolutely happen in a hospital. The birth culture in America is so screwed up and labor, something that should be viewed as a natural process, has been twisted into this incredibly dangerous medical problem that often "require" interventions because the safety and welfare of mommy and baby are in "jeopardy." Of course there are times where interventions are necessary and vitally important but as I research childbirth, I hear about more and more instances where interventions and other procedures are performed unnecessarily, often times against the mother's wishes. I'm not too worried with the staff of midwives that I've chosen but I just hope and pray this doesn't happen to me.
I'm the type of person who researches the hell out of something, whether it be to plan a trip or to buy a new camera (Sidebar: Can you believe that people in this country actually spend more time doing research before buying a new electronic than they do researching childbirth? Insane!) I was like this during infertility treatments (the doctors on post haaated me for this because I questioned everything!) and I'm like this now when it comes to pregnancy, breastfeeding and labor and delivery. I like to consider myself a well informed person and am always shocked at women who are okay with just going along with whatever their doctors say, no questions asked. I guess it has a lot to do with the horrible care I received during my infertility journey but I can't do that. My goal is for Mike and I to go into my labor armed with the knowledge to make informed decisions and not be pushed around by medical staff.
My friend, Allie, went through this with her birth team. Unfortunately, the OB on call during her labor was absolutely horrible to her and she ended up having a pretty traumatic L&D, far from the totally natural birth that she really wanted. Allie made it all the way to 10 centimeters with no pain medications or interventions. The nurse allowed her to start pushing and when the mean OB arrived in her room she insisted that she perform a cervical check. Up to this point, Allie had not had her cervix checked for progress, she was confident that her body was doing what it should based on the way she was feeling. The OB checked Allie and hurt her so badly that she screamed in pain and the OB announced that Allie was only at a 4. Remember that minutes prior to this she had been at a 10 and was already pushing. The OB berated the nurse and basically called her a liar, right in front of Allie. In minutes, Allie's labor spiraled into something other than what she wanted and she felt like she lost control. Allie is a lot like me. She also had horrible experiences during her infertility journey and she also did a TON of research on natural childbirth. Her experience is proof that things don't always go as planned, no matter how much you prepare. I need to keep this in mind.
I read this article from The Birth Bug earlier today and I thought it was very helpful. If any of my readers are also seeking an intervention-free birth, it's something valuable to remember.
http://thebirthbug.wordpress.com/2011/05/27/i-do-not-consent/
If you are in a birthing situation and you find that your caregiver is about to do something you don’t want (e.g. an episiotomy, pulling out the forceps, putting pit in your IV, etc.), you may want to remember these four little words:
Saying, “I’d really rather you not cut me,” or, “I don’t want a vacuum delivery if the baby is still ok,” or “Please don’t up the pit” may or may not work. However, if you say that you do not consent to a certain procedure, then the doctor or midwife cannot legally proceed wth it.
I only say this because I have heard many, many horror stories of women being on the receiving end of what in any situation other than a birth would be considered assault. Make sure you are absolutely clear with your intent and tell your caregiver if you do not consent to a procedure. I will say, however, that this phrase should probably not be taken lightly. Weigh your caregiver’s experience against your own intuition. Is your baby still ok? Are you still ok? Find out whether the caregiver is recommending a procedure out of medical necessity, or because of convenience or a hospital policy.
If nothing else, you can always say, “Wait. I do not consent yet.” Go on to ask these four questions:
1) Is this an emergency? (If no, move on.)
2) What are the benefits of this procedure?
3) What are the risks of this procedure?
4) What happens if we do nothing?
Remember that it is never, ever too late- even in the middle of labor- to change your caregiver or birth site. If a nurse is trying to do something you do not want, request a different one. If you are home with a midwife who has suddenly turned sour on you, it’s okay to leave and go to the hospital. If you are at the hospital and there is no acceptable caregiver, it is okay to leave the delivery room and drive to the next hospital. Again, these actions should be taken only with real cause, not at the drop of a hat.
Remember, it is YOUR birth. Yes, doctors and midwives are trained for birth. But sometimes procedures, liability issues, and yes, even sometimes the convenience of the caregiver can get in the way of letting your body do what it does best. You should always be treated with respect and dignity. Remember, with careful consideration, it is okay to utter those four words: “I do not consent.”
I'm the type of person who researches the hell out of something, whether it be to plan a trip or to buy a new camera (Sidebar: Can you believe that people in this country actually spend more time doing research before buying a new electronic than they do researching childbirth? Insane!) I was like this during infertility treatments (the doctors on post haaated me for this because I questioned everything!) and I'm like this now when it comes to pregnancy, breastfeeding and labor and delivery. I like to consider myself a well informed person and am always shocked at women who are okay with just going along with whatever their doctors say, no questions asked. I guess it has a lot to do with the horrible care I received during my infertility journey but I can't do that. My goal is for Mike and I to go into my labor armed with the knowledge to make informed decisions and not be pushed around by medical staff.
My friend, Allie, went through this with her birth team. Unfortunately, the OB on call during her labor was absolutely horrible to her and she ended up having a pretty traumatic L&D, far from the totally natural birth that she really wanted. Allie made it all the way to 10 centimeters with no pain medications or interventions. The nurse allowed her to start pushing and when the mean OB arrived in her room she insisted that she perform a cervical check. Up to this point, Allie had not had her cervix checked for progress, she was confident that her body was doing what it should based on the way she was feeling. The OB checked Allie and hurt her so badly that she screamed in pain and the OB announced that Allie was only at a 4. Remember that minutes prior to this she had been at a 10 and was already pushing. The OB berated the nurse and basically called her a liar, right in front of Allie. In minutes, Allie's labor spiraled into something other than what she wanted and she felt like she lost control. Allie is a lot like me. She also had horrible experiences during her infertility journey and she also did a TON of research on natural childbirth. Her experience is proof that things don't always go as planned, no matter how much you prepare. I need to keep this in mind.
I read this article from The Birth Bug earlier today and I thought it was very helpful. If any of my readers are also seeking an intervention-free birth, it's something valuable to remember.
http://thebirthbug.wordpress.com/2011/05/27/i-do-not-consent/
If you are in a birthing situation and you find that your caregiver is about to do something you don’t want (e.g. an episiotomy, pulling out the forceps, putting pit in your IV, etc.), you may want to remember these four little words:
“I do not consent.”
I only say this because I have heard many, many horror stories of women being on the receiving end of what in any situation other than a birth would be considered assault. Make sure you are absolutely clear with your intent and tell your caregiver if you do not consent to a procedure. I will say, however, that this phrase should probably not be taken lightly. Weigh your caregiver’s experience against your own intuition. Is your baby still ok? Are you still ok? Find out whether the caregiver is recommending a procedure out of medical necessity, or because of convenience or a hospital policy.
If nothing else, you can always say, “Wait. I do not consent yet.” Go on to ask these four questions:
1) Is this an emergency? (If no, move on.)
2) What are the benefits of this procedure?
3) What are the risks of this procedure?
4) What happens if we do nothing?
Remember that it is never, ever too late- even in the middle of labor- to change your caregiver or birth site. If a nurse is trying to do something you do not want, request a different one. If you are home with a midwife who has suddenly turned sour on you, it’s okay to leave and go to the hospital. If you are at the hospital and there is no acceptable caregiver, it is okay to leave the delivery room and drive to the next hospital. Again, these actions should be taken only with real cause, not at the drop of a hat.
Remember, it is YOUR birth. Yes, doctors and midwives are trained for birth. But sometimes procedures, liability issues, and yes, even sometimes the convenience of the caregiver can get in the way of letting your body do what it does best. You should always be treated with respect and dignity. Remember, with careful consideration, it is okay to utter those four words: “I do not consent.”
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