Life After Infertility

Before I ever got pregnant I would always see those struggling with secondary IF and think, "What are they complaining about? They've got one baby! Isn't that enough? I would KILL to have just one!" but over the past couple weeks I've seen it from both sides and have had to remind myself to be sensitive to those still struggling while also being humbled and realized that secondary infertility still hurts.

The first experience was in the infertility group I started for the military wives in my area. I started it when I was in a really dark place and felt like the only military wife in existence who wasn't a mom. I quickly realized that I wasn't and within a couple weeks there were over 20 women in the group. Over the past year the group has been a great sense of support and an outlet to vent my frustrations. We met up for lunch several times and it was so refreshing to be with women who understood what I was going through. Since that first meeting, several of us have moved on to pregnancy and motherhood but there are still many women who are struggling. When I became pregnant I kind of  unintentionally abandoned the group because I didn't know how anyone would receive advice coming from someone who had moved on and was now pregnant. I know that when I was going through treatments it was always hard to be around or hear from pregnant women, whether they struggled or not. I guess I was just trying to be sensitive, afraid of hurting anyone. When so many of us moved on, the group kind of fizzled and died so last week I attempted to rectify that, still walking on eggshells because I didn't want to upset anyone with my profile picture of my new little family. It's hard, being on the other side. Just because I know what they're feeling and I sometimes feel guilty that I've found success and they haven't. But then I think about how long it's taken us to get to this point and it reminds me that I fought hard to get here and Mike and I deserve all the happiness that Hazel has brought into our lives. I've just been on the 'infertile and childless' side for so long that I'm still learning how to live life on the other side.

Despite having a beautiful baby in my arms, yesterday's experience took me right back to the 'infertile and childless' days. We were at a going away BBQ for Mike and were asked the question, "Are you going to have more kids?" Well hell, this was almost as tough to answer as the, "Do you have kids?" question when we were going through treatments!  I explained that it took us almost four years to get Hazel and that she was an IVF baby, which was received with questions like, "What's IVF?" "Was it expensive?" "Does it make you more fertile?" That led to a discussion between the wives on how it only took them two weeks and two months to get pregnant and how extremely fertile they are. Well isn't that nice? Mike was nice and replied with a smile, "Well we're not that lucky..." while I ignored them and was starting down at Hazel in her ring sling, thanking God that I did not have to endure that conversation with empty arms. I had anxiety the entire time other people were holding Hazel and I couldn't wait to get home.

When one of the guys asked us how it was going with the baby he said, "It sucks, doesn't it?" I told him no. He said, "Come on, it sucks. Don't lie." Seriously dude? Guess it's easy to take it all for granted when your wife can get knocked up on the first try. Apparently the bitterness never leaves. Once an infertile, always an infertile.


And cause this post is a major downer--here's some new pictures of Hazel to lighten the mood.

Look at that chub! She weighed 12 pounds at my last midwife appointment!