7 Weeks.

Drum roll please.......

One beautiful baby.
I think "she" looks just like me, don't you?

It was amazing. I just stared at the screen and smiled. The "whoosh whoosh" sound of our baby's heartbeat was the sweetest sound ever. Mike was all smiles, it was super cute.  I joked and said that the baby resembles The Great Gonzo--it looks just like his nose toward the top! Haha. I'm measuring 6w6d, so a day behind, and the heart rate was 140bpm. It was bittersweet to find out that only one of our embryos made it--I was honestly surprised and now I feel SUPER fluffy knowing there's only one in there.  I immediately started thinking of all the positive things of a singleton pregnancy to keep my mind off the fact that only one stuck-I'll be more likely to be able to use a midwife and have a natural delivery, breastfeeding one baby will be much easier than two, baby wearing will be much more doable, only one set of diapers to change and most importantly when Mike is in the field, at school or deployed I will only have one baby to care for by myself. I keep referring to the baby as a she, partly to drive Mike nuts and partly because it's always been my dream to have a house full of girls (Like in Little Women!). Obviously I will love the baby no matter when gender he or she is but I am hoping for a girl. We will have another ultrasound at 9 weeks and I expect I'll be graduating from my RE shortly after. It finally feels real and I finally feel like I can get excited. A huge weight has been lifted off my chest though I know I will still find something to worry about in the next 8 months....

Shopping for pants that actually fit!

How big is baby? The size of a blueberry!
Symptoms: Lots and lots of gas. Nausea hits me in waves and I'm still super tired.
Total weight gain/loss: I'm not sure--our scale is acting weird.
Maternity clothes? Yes, I broke down and bought some maternity pants and a few shirts today. I know it's early but I'm fairly certain that most pregnant women do not start out this bloated. (Thanks IVF meds!)
Sleep: This week has actually been pretty good for the most part but I've needed a nap almost every day.
Best moment this week: Hearing the sweet little "whoosh whoosh" of the heartbeat at our first ultrasound and seeing our baby for the first time.
Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings: I woke up craving queso the other day so I had some at 10:30 in the morning. I could barely eat any of it before it didn't taste good anymore. Oh and Mike brought me some more greasy Costco pizza.
Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
What I miss:  Being able to eat whenever I want. Most of the time nothing sounds good but when I do feel like eating, food tastes so.damn.good.
What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound on 1/13 at 9 weeks.
Next Appointment: Next Friday for another blood draw to check my progesterone and estradiol.
Weekly Wisdom:  Drink lots and lots of water. Don't skip a day of drinking enough water or there may be dire consequences. 
Milestones: Seeing and hearing a heartbeat, learning that this is a viable pregnancy.

2011 in Review

I can finally say, "Tomorrow is the day!"  Our first ultrasound is at 0830 tomorrow and I am so nervous/excited. I am excited to find out how many we have in there but more than that I am excited to find out that we have a healthy baby growing in there and to hopefully hear/see the heartbeat. 

I haven't been feeling many symptoms but one that is persistent is definitely the exhaustion.  I had doubts as to whether Christmas dinner was even going to be made because SIL and I spent the afternoon snoozing on the couch. I didn't even get dressed this year--Okay, I did get dressed but just in clean pajamas.  I have been so flipping tired and last night I even broke the Cardinal Rule of, "Thou shalt not fall asleep during a Harry Potter Marathon!" ::gasp:: I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore so I took a little nap and then we finished the movie later.

It's hard to believe 2011 is coming to a close. SO much has happened this year and it's just totally flown by so I thought I'd take a few minutes to reflect on the ups and downs of this past year.

1. What did you do in 2011 you never did before?

Went to England!!!!
IUI/Surgery/IVF
Watched the entire World Series from start to finish (Go Cards!)
Cut down a Christmas tree
Went to a professional soccer match

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year I made the promise to myself that I was going to try to get rid of negativity in my life. I succeeded somewhat by eliminating a few things (and people) from my life.

For 2012:

To take excellent care of myself so that I can have a healthy pregnancy and L&D

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my sister had my beautiful niece, Charlotte, in October!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. We recently lost four pilots in a training accident but they weren't close to me.

5. What countries did you visit?

England

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A successful pregnancy, more patience (hello annoying customers!) and the ability to just slow down and take it easy without feeling guilty.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

May 25--the day we left for the UK
August 27--the day of my laparoscopy
November 25--the day of my egg retreival

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally getting pregnant. Hands down.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Hmm, I'm not sure that I really failed at anything this year other than our four IUIs.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Infertility but other than that I've been very healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to the UK, my Kindle, my embroidery machine and a round of IVF

12. Where did most of your money go?

Fertility treatments and a trip to England

13. What did you get really excited about?

Our trip to the UK, the birth of Charlotte and finding out that I was finally pregnant.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2011?Party Rock Anthem-- LMFAO. Hands down.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or Sadder: Happier

Thinner or Fatter: Fatter.  My weight has been fluctuating this year because of all the damn drugs I've been on.

Richer or poorer: Probably a little poorer just because of all the infertility treatments we've done. 

16. What do you wish you'd done more of:

Exercise, hiking, walks with the dogs, just get out of the house more.

17. What do you wish you had done less of:

Stressing, crying

18. How did you spend Christmas?

My brother and SIL drove down from Seattle and spent a few days with us. It was fun!

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Parenthood

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Hunger Games Trilogy

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

LMFAO and Adele

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and The Muppets

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

Gosh, how sad is it that I can't even remember what I did on my birthday this year? I was 27 though.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being debt free and not having to go through all the infertility struggles we went through.

25. What kept you sane?

Mike, my fur-kids and the support and love of my family.

26. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

That it is possible to see the light again, no matter how dark and twisty of place you're in. Things do get better and dreams are worth fighting for. Happy New Year's, dear readers!

6 Weeks...a Day Late

This week has been crazy. The Memorial Service for our fallen aviators was on Monday and man that was tough. The hardest part of the entire service (for me) was to hear Mr. Sig.frid's friend recall how happy he was to show the ultrasound photo to everyone at work. Mr. Sig.frid and his wife are expecting their first baby thanks to the miracle of IVF. She's a few months pregnant and now she has to go through everything without her husband. It just really hit very close to home for me and was hard to get through. I just imagine the pain the families are feeling right now, but especially Mrs. Sig.frid. So sad. =( It was a very nice service though--standing room only, bag pipes, 21 gun salute and taps. I hope that it helped begin the healing process for all of those affected.

This week has also been a symptom week from hell.  If the non-pregnant Megan could see the pregnant Megan, I'm pretty sure she'd slap her for complaining already. On Tuesday I could barely move because I had constipation and horrendous gas pains (I blame the veggie burger from BK that I had Monday after the memorial service.)  I couldn't stand upright, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even touch my stomach because it was so sore and full of gas that just wouldn't come out. It.was.horrible. and I was so, so scared that something was wrong. I even went as far as looking into signs of ectopic.pregnancies because I was in so much pain. By Wednesday it had let up somewhat, which was good since we had to drive to the clinic to get my third Beta.  I was praying for high numbers and that's what I got. I didn't get the exact number because the doctor distracted me by saying, "It might be twins!"  Now obviously I know that there's not way to estimate how many are in there based on blood tests but I'm feeling optimistic.

Symptoms:  Gas. Constipation. Fatigue. Oh and I threw up brushing my teeth on Thursday. Fun.
Total weight gain/loss: +2 pounds since the beginning of my IVF.
Maternity clothes? Still just the BeBand from Tar.get.
Sleep:  This week was rough because of all the uncomfortable gas pains, but it's getting better.
Best moment this week: Opening boxes from various relatives with presents inside for "Baby H....."
Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings:  I craved pizza on Thursday again. When it got here I could only eat a piece. I think the baby(ies) forgot how much they like pizza. Nothing really sounds or tastes good right now.
Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
What I miss:  Sleeping a solid 8 hours.
What I am looking forward to: Seeing our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) at our first ultrasound on 12/30.
Next Appointment: See above.
Weekly Wisdom:  Drink lots and lots of water. Don't skip a day of drinking enough water or there may be dire consequences. 
Milestones: Getting great betas.



I hope all of you have a wonderful and blessed Christmas. I know there are many out there who have recently suffered losses or who are still struggling with infertility. My heart goes out to all of you. I remember crying myself to sleep last Christmas because of the emptiness I felt in my heart. ((HUGS)) to all of you. I'm also thinking of all my fellow military spouses who are without their loved ones this Christmas.  I've been in your shoes a few times and I know how much you (and your spouse!) are sacrificing this year so that we can all celebrate Christmas in the warmth and comfort of our homes. Thank you so much. I hope next Christmas brings you lots of memories and togetherness! Merry Christmas, everyone!

5 Weeks.

5 Weeks

Symptoms:  Mostly fatigue--I'm tired all the time.  I'm still crampy every now and then but not nearly as much as last week. My breasts also feel really heavy and tender. Oh and hunger. It seems like I'm hungry all.the.time. People keep saying "I think there's multiples in there!" which is making me feel huge. Not quite sure how I'm supposed to take comments like that...
Total weight gain/loss: +4 pounds since the beginning of my IVF.
Maternity clothes? Still just the BeBand from Tar.get.
Sleep:  I'm finally sleeping more soundly, only getting up 3 or 4 times a night to pee. Thankfully I'm able to go to sleep right after now! Maybe the insomnia is going away?

Best moment this week: Mike seeing my t-shirt a little more stretched than usual last night and me catching him smiling at my belly. Oh and finding out that SIL's IVF worked too and she's due two days after me. Partners in crime! Lastly, (because apparently I can't choose just one best moment!) my doctor just called with Beta #2 results. "Normal" doubling time would have put me around 2000.  Mine was 4009. =)
Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings:  Nothing specific. Everything tastes so.damn.good.
Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
What I miss:  Having energy to do stuff.
What I am looking forward to: Seeing our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) at our first ultrasound on 12/30.
Next Appointment: Next Wednesday for Beta #3
Weekly Wisdom:  There is no preparing for how tired pregnancy will make you.
Milestones: I'm still riding the "Holy crap, I'm pregnant!" high.

"I think there's something there that wasn't there before...."

This week has been a rough week. On Wednesday the identities of the four pilots were announced and Mike's spent the past two days out at the crash site. The Memorial Service is scheduled for Monday at 1400. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through it but I know I need to be there to show my respects as well as to support my husband. Keep sending some good thoughts in the direction of the Pacific Northwest, I know they'd be much appreciated by everyone affected by this tragedy.

I have been thinking a lot about this blog and the direction it is going to take from here on out since This Space is no longer For Rent.   I've been blogging about infertility for so long that I'm almost at a loss as to what to write about now. I highly doubt that you all want to read about every.single.day. of my pregnancy and I know that I've probably lost a few followers due to my pregnancy and that's okay because I totally understand the need for self-preservation. I'm still at the awkward stage where I'm not sure where I belong:  I want to jump for joy, start buying baby things and leave all the infertility woes behind me. But I'm scared. I had a horrible dream about the "m" word last night and woke up completely freaked out. Then there's all the guilt that goes along with beating infertility. Don't get me wrong, I know that I still have a very long way to go before I win the war but just getting a positive pregnancy test is winning part of the battle and I know there are many women who have not made it to this point yet. Women who are still hurting. If you're one of those women I want you to know that I'm still thinking of you. I haven't forgotten your pain and I hate that you're still going through this. I wrote this post in August and I am still trying really hard not to be "that girl."

Hug Your Loved Ones Tonight.

I am proud to be an Army wife.  Most of the time I love the lifestyle, I love the experiences military life affords us, I love the camaraderie and I love the traditions. The military lifestyle is not for everyone because, well it's hard. It takes a lot of hard work to keep a marriage together when you spend months apart, but somehow that time apart makes you appreciate and love your spouse all the more.  It reminds you to not take things for granted. I've grown to love the Army life, there are definitely more ups than downs, but those down times are heart wrenching and incredibly difficult.  Today is one of those times.

I've been exhausted and going to bed pretty early but I heard Mike's cell phone start ringing off the hook at about 10 last night. Before I knew it he was coming upstairs to don his ACUs and head back to the hangar-- there was a possibility that two aircraft went down. "Precautionary landing?" I asked Mike. He didn't know. We've had incidents like this before, where a pilot over torques something or other in the engine and has to make a precautionary landing and everything ended up find, with the exception of the aircraft. I wish that was the case this time.

Sometime around 2100 last night two Kiowa helicopters collided in mid-air and all four pilots were killed. You just never expect these things to happen during routine flights. Before Mike could even walk out of the house he was getting phone calls from soldiers saying that the crash was on the local news.  Ridiculous! That means it was on the news before the families were even notified. Could you imagine watching the 10 o'clock news before bed and seeing that on the screen, knowing your spouse was on night maneuvers?  It makes me sick to think about. Those poor, poor families.Each death of a soldier is a tragedy but there's something especially unsettling about a deaths that happen in garrison. I know they don't report the "specifics" but seriously....there's only one Kiowa unit here at JBLM and there are normally only a small amount of aircraft out at a time. It's not hard for families to put two and two together. Such a tragedy for all involved, especially right before Christmas.

Mike got home around 1 in the morning and looked totally deflated. I had to do my best to keep calm because I started cramping as soon as I started to cry. I know this is going to stir up lots of old memories from when we lost four pilots in January 2009 during the last deployment to Iraq.  Mike was in QC (Quality Control) at that time too so he had to assist in the investigation of the crash. It was then that he shut down on me for about four months. I guess picking up pieces of your friends from pieces of aircraft will do that to you though.  I can't begin to imagine what he's feeling right now. Ft. Rucker is sending in a team to lead the investigation so I'm hoping he won't be so intimately involved in this investigation, not a luxury one is afforded when deployed.  He keeps saying he's okay but I know better. I know he is putting on a strong front for all the young troopers at the hangar. I just found out that one of the pilots was also an IVFer and they very recently found out they're expecting. Way.too.close.to.home. Another was a newlywed and one had just adopted a special needs child. It's going to be a long week.

So please, dear readers, say a prayer for the families of the pilots and all the soldiers and friends who are mourning this great loss and hug your loved ones a little closer tonight. Rest in peace, aviators.


"The story of Fiddler's Green was published in 1923, in Cavalry Journal.^[6] According to this article, it was inspired by a story told by Captain "Sammy" Pearson at a campfire in the Medicine Bow Mountains of Wyoming. It is still used by modern cavalry units to memorialize the deceased." (Wikipedia)

The Cavalrymen's Poem: Fiddler's Green
Halfway down the trail to Hell,
In a shady meadow green
Are the Souls of all dead troopers camped,
Near a good old-time canteen.
And this eternal resting place
Is known as Fiddlers' Green.
Marching past, straight through to Hell
The Infantry are seen.
Accompanied by the Engineers,
Artillery and Marines,
For none but the shades of Cavalrymen
Dismount at Fiddlers' Green.
Though some go curving down the trail
To seek a warmer scene.
No trooper ever gets to Hell
Ere he's emptied his canteen.
And so rides back to drink again
With friends at Fiddlers' Green.
And so when man and horse go down
Beneath a saber keen,
Or in a roaring charge of fierce melee
You stop a bullet clean,
And the hostiles come to get your scalp,
Just empty your canteen,
And put your pistol to your head
And go to Fiddlers' Green.

4 Weeks.

 

Beta #1........... 153! I am "officially" pregnant. My doctor kept using the word "exceptional."  "You're exceptionally pregnant." "Your numbers are exceptional."  Holy shit, I'm pregnant! (As if there was any denying the 7 pregnancy tests I've taken?) He is so confident in my levels that he doesn't want me to come back in until next Friday for another test. How will I ever make it another week without being tempted to POAS? Today was amazing. After the blood draw we stopped at (where else?) Pane.ra because I had a dream about a french toast bagel last night. It was strange, like a Homer Simpson donuts-flying-through-the-air type dream. Weird.

After we grabbed some breakfast we headed over to BRU in search of baby books. As we were pulling into the parking lot I was telling Mike about how the heart(s) will start to beat as early as next week and I said, "Isn't that amazing?" Mike responded with, "No, you know what's amazing? The fact that we're about to go into BRU for us and not someone else. I never  thought that would happen." I cried. He laughed at me and I showed him this picture --->

As we walked into BRU I just had to take this picture because like Mike said, it was a really big deal we were about to walk in there to buy something for ourselves!


I know it's really early but I bought a pregnancy journal and already started filling it out. I have been waiting almost four years for this and I want to remember everything that we're going through right now. I had to laugh at some of the questions at the beginning though, "Was this pregnancy planned or a surprise?"  "When did you first start thinking about having a baby?" "Did you get pregnant right away or did it seem to take awhile?" I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh.

Mike's been wanting to rub my non-existent belly a lot and talk to Bunsen and Beaker. It's going to take me a long time to get used to this. He said something like, "What? I want to rub it. You have my child growing inside there." and my reply was, "Yeah, I sure hope they put the right ones back in."  He did not appreciate this joke at first but before long we were joking about our kids coming out looking like Michael Jackson, back when he was cute. So obviously I don't have a bump yet but what I do have is BLOAT. I'm still in the "Is she pregnant or did she eat too much pizza?" stage, especially since my pants haven't buttoned since I started all the IVF drugs. At least I don't have to suck it in anymore! <3

4 Weeks

How far along? 4 weeks.
How big is baby?

 In week 3, sperm meets egg, and voila: conception! (Hahahahaha. If only it was that easy.) our little zygote sets off on a six-day trek through your fallopian tubes, dividing and redividing into identical cells as it travels to your uterus. Read more about baby this week.
>In week 4, now safe in your womb, the ball of cells (blastocyst) splits in two, becoming the embryo and the placenta. The amniotic sac and fluid are forming around baby, and will act as a cushion for the next eight months. 

Symptoms:  Lots and lots of cramps (Please God, let this be normal!) Fatigue and bloat.
Total weight gain/loss: I've gained three pounds since the start of my IVF cycle.
Maternity clothes? None. Just a belly band. I've been bloated this entire IVF cycle so it's more out of comfort than necessity.
Sleep:  I'm exhausted and in bed by 8 most nights. Unfortunately I'm up around 3 every morning for some reason and I always have a difficult time getting back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Getting my first ever positive pregnancy test and telling Mike, "There's two lines!" Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings:  Pizza. Especially greasy Costco pizza.

Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.

Belly Button in or out?  In.

What I miss:  Nothing really.  Life is good.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) at our first ultrasound on 12/30.
Next Appointment: Next Friday for a repeat blood draw.

Weekly Wisdom: If you're still struggling with infertility, cling to hope. I am living proof that miracles do happen.

Milestones: Just getting pregnant is a pretty huge milestone in my life right now.

"It's a Sickness."

Hello, my name is Megan and I am a POAS addict. It's a sickness.  Always have been but it has been particularly bad since we started treatments. I've tested like this after every.single.IUI. which makes the fact that we actually got a BFP this cycle all the more amazing.  A few people in my life don't understand that apparently and I feel like they're trying to burst my bubble, whether they mean to or not. They've asked me about false positives and doubted my pregnancy because it hasn't been confirmed by a doctor. ::sigh::  I guess I'm still in such shock that I'm in a position to be easily persuaded that it might not be true.

Is there really any denying this?

Yesterday I went to the garage and pulled down a long forgotten box. I've been collecting baby clothes since 2006, when my neighbors started offering me hand-me-downs.  I haven't purchased many items but the ones I have purchased are so special. They've been tucked away for years (purchased after I naively thought I'd get pregnant right away) and I pulled them out yesterday just so I could look at them. I really hope I get to keep them out and actually use them in nine months.

Punk Rock Baby.

Vintage Tattoo Hot Sling

I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I really don't think there's any denying that I am pregnant but having a medical professional confirm it will help me feel better.....I hope. I told Mike last night that I feel like this is a total mind fuck because of all my "symptoms." I don't know what's a side effect of the PIO versus a pregnancy symptom and I don't know what's real and what's just in my head. It's just crazy.  I feel on the verge of tears all.the.time..  Yesterday I was starving but nothing sounded or tasted good. I had three different dinners before settling on a bowl of cereal, which I had to force myself to eat.  I finally got the courage to vacuum because I fight a never-ending battle of fur control. It exhausted me. Luckily, my amazing sister sent me the most awesome gift for the days when I don't feel like doing anything: The complete series of Gilmore Girls--my FAVORITE. I've been DVRing re-runs for years but now I don't have to anymore!

Since finding out I am pregnant I have had a very difficult time with "survivors guilt" and being on the other side of infertility. How do you deal with the guilt of getting pregnant while so many others are still struggling? Several months ago, I started a local support group for infertiles and now I have no idea how to act around them. In the rules of my group I ask that everyone practice sensitivity in announcing BFPs or talking about their children if they're dealing with secondary IF. We're having a lunch get together on the 17th and I feel like I have no business going now. I feel guilty for answering questions about how I'm feeling. I just don't want to be the one to rub salt in anyone's wounds.  I read a cycle buddy's blog last night and unfortunately her IVF ended with a BFN. My heart broke for her as I read her words because up until three days ago I could literally have imagined myself writing a blog entry very similar to hers. I don't expect everyone to be sincerely happy for me. I've been in there.  I know how absolutely devastating someone else's BFP can be. I don't want my happiness to cause anyone's heartache but I've waited nearly four years to celebrate and I deserve to be happy, right?  Even if I am only 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I feel like I no longer belong in the IF community but I definitely can not relate to the "I-got-pregnant-on-a-whim" community (I joined Pregnant Fort Lewis wives last night. Gag me, seriously).  I am just not sure how to deal with this.

Behind Enemy Lines

First, thank you for all the kind words and congratulations yesterday.  The amount of love we have received thus far has been amazingly awesome. I am so blessed.

At one point or another, every infertile woman has drawn a line in her mind between "us" and "them." The "pregnants" and the "un-pregnants."  Up until yesterday I was part of the "un-pregnants" for years and whether I liked it or not, I often considered the "pregnants" my enemies. Not because I hated them or wished bad things on them but because they were living my dream in front of me.  It was self preservation.  The Maternity/Baby Department in any store was like enemy territory, like the land of Mor.dor, only in place of orks and fire there were adorable outfits and the tiniest socks known to man kind, sitting on the shelves and taunting me. For an infertile, even walking in the vicinity of a maternity department was like walking the perimeter of a mine field.


Around 2:30 yesterday I finally got the courage to move off my bed, shower and head to the store.  Yesterday, I ventured into enemy territory, the Maternity Department at Target.  It.was.scary.  I felt like I didn't belong, like all eyes were on me and I had absolutely no business being there. However, I was on a mission, the hunt for a solution to the "my-pants-don't-fit" quandary.

My pants haven't fit since I started taking the IVF drugs and the only ones that have been comfortable have been my elastic waist pajama pants. Last Sunday, when we went to see The Muppets, I had to pull out my stretchy "fat jeans" because the normal ones weren't cooperating (I blamed the dryer.)  Even the fat jeans were becoming uncomfortable after I ate a few handfuls  half  the bag of popcorn. The hair-tie-through-the-belt-loop trick wasn't working anymore because my zipper wouldn't stay up.  had seen many discussions on the IF boards about a product at Target that helps to keep your pants up when you have to leave them unbuttoned, how they were helpful with early pregnancy bloat or even after meal of Thanksgiving proportions.  In spite of my newly pregnant status, I now felt justified in buying one of these belly bands and so I raced into the Maternity Department, grabbed what I needed and raced out. I didn't feel like I had any business being there but my mission was accomplished. Who knew that a piece of nylon/cotton blend could feel so damn heavenly? Hooray for comfort! Hooray for pants that won't fall down or squish Bunsen and Beaker! Oh, and I totally ordered a decaf White Chocolate Mocha at Star.bucks, just because I now have a real reason to need a decaf coffee.

I managed to make it out of the store with only six pregnancy tests: three FRERs and three CBE Digitals. Overkill? Perhaps.  I was so worried that I was going to wake up in the morning and it was all going to be a dream. I wanted plenty of tests to prove otherwise....and they did not fail. I got another beautiful BFP this morning, two gorgeous pink lines (twin girls!--haha). I still can't believe I'm pregnant. I hope this feeling never ends.

FRER confirmed this morning. The test line is much darker than it appears in the picture.

Just a few more memories things from yesterday that I don't want to forget:

• Getting a text from my 13 y/o niece saying she was very excited to have another cousin.
• My sister telling me that her whole body was smiling for us.
• Mike's grandma telling him that we need to be sure to put headphones on my belly so that the baby(ies) will know ALL the Disney songs in preparation for our trips to Disneyland/Disney World. She knows us well.
• Mike telling me that he couldn't stop staring at pictures of the tests and seeing his HUGE grin when he got home from work. Oh and him telling me that he couldn't concentrate at work at all yesterday.
• Toasting my pregnancy with non-alcoholic Beck's.  I love beer and will miss it dearly. I had hoped that this would be a good substitute during my pregnancy (holy crap, MY pregnancy!) but BLECH! Still, a non-alcoholic beer toast was much more "us" than a sparkling cider toast.
  
  

I'm still feeling crampy and I went to bed at 7:45 last night--I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was up at 0430 to POAS. Every twinge is terrifying but I'm trying very hard to focus on the positive and even allowed myself to 'talk pregnancy' with my sister. She has a few books to send me and I will gladly welcome them, especially since my dear, sweet husband is totally clueless when it comes to pregnancy and babies.  When my niece Charlotte was born in October, I flew out to Ohio to help my sister with everything after her c-section.  On Charlotte's second day of life, when she was still in the hospital, Mike asked me how my sister and BIL were doing and if Charlotte had slept through the night. I just laughed at him. Yesterday he told me that his family had asked him when we'd find out the gender(s) of the baby(ies) and he told them we'd know in a few weeks.  I just stared at him and asked why he thought that. He has thought we'd be able to find out when we have our first ultrasound at the end of the month. Poor, clueless man. It's not his fault though--he's never been around a pregnant woman (other than as a casual acquaintance)  or spent much time around newborns. He'd never even changed a diaper until he was left in charge of Madeline while my sister and I made a quick run to the store. I called to check on him and he informed me that Madeline woke up from her nap, needed to be changed and that he couldn't talk because he needed to get the "ingredients" together. Ha! I asked him last night if he'd read some baby books and he scowled and said no. So, I need to find "manly" pregnancy books. Perhaps something with car parts and tools on the cover....

Happy St. Nicholas Day!!!

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and St. Nicholas Day has always been very special to me. This year I got a very special gift: Santa brought me my first BFP. That's right, friends, I'm pregnant.

I am 6dp5dt and I woke up at 0430 and took a test. Nothing showed up at first and I felt so defeated but then, very slowly, a shadow of a line began to show and pretty soon there was a very faint but clear line. I just stared at it. I couldn't believe it. In almost four years, I have never, ever seen even a shadow of a second line that I didn't have to stare at cross eyed to see. It was a few minutes before I felt sure of that second little line and I went into the bedroom and shook Mike awake. He stirred and I asked if he was awake and as soon as I got a grunt of confirmation I blurted out, "There's two lines." He said, "I was dreaming about you peeing on a stick...." Then he hugged me and I started to ugly cry. Then we ran into the bathroom to stare at the test. Mike immediately said, "I see it!" Then we stared some more and Mike said, "We're staring....at your pee." Yes, yes we were. It was so funny that I had to commemorate it with a picture.

Quidditch is clearly oblivious to the epic event taking place in front of his very eyes.

Mike jokingly said, "There's two lines so that means there's two of them in there right?" to which I responded "Yeah and they're both pink so that means they're girls." I congratulated him and said, "Good job Mike. I'm KTFU" and he immediately said, "Hey now, no need to cuss in front of the little ears." Mike had to leave for work shortly after the Great HPT Staring Event of 2011 but he left the house in all smiles.  I took a second test and I thought for sure nothing would show up because it wasn't FMU but it turned up positive too! They lines are very light but they're there. Holy crap, I'm pregnant.  It's been almost seven hours since I took my first test and I'm still wearing my pajamas and laying in bed. I'm terrified to move...except to run back into the bathroom to make sure the lines are still there.  I had planned to clean the house today but now I'm scared to vacuum. I have no idea what to do with myself. Beta is scheduled for Friday and the clinic says that unless I start spotting then I should stick with that plan. How will I ever make it to Friday? AND I'm out of pregnancy tests. I think a trip to Tar.get is necessary--#1 To buy more HPTs. #2 To go to Starbucks and REALLY have a reason to order a decaf White Chocolate Mocha and #3 If I don't get out of this house then I will go crazy for sure.

I am rejoicing but I am also so, so scared.  If I've learned one thing in my years on infertility boards it's that life is precious. I am trying very hard not to think of all the "what ifs" and to celebrate the moment.  Right now, I'm pregnant and I love Bunsen and Beaker. Estimated due date is 22 August 2012, three days after Mike's birthday--how special is that?  Both of us are in absolute shock and we've decided to tell our families. They've all been so supportive of us in this journey and no matter what happens tomorrow, two weeks or two months from now, today I am pregnant and we want to celebrate this miracle with our families. We may not get another opportunity to do so and we want to soak up every bit of this excitement. If you are a friend reading this, please, please do not post anything on Facebook or anywhere else. We are not telling anyone IRL except family for right now. Consider yourself one of the privileged. :)

I've already talked to my mom and one of my sisters and I plan to email my brothers later. I was debating on whether or not to tell my brother our news since they won't find out anything until their beta on Sunday. (For my new readers: my SIL have been days apart in our IVF cycles. My brother was dx with azospermia in August and the timing just worked out for us to have overlapping cycles. SIL has two kids from a previous marriage but they have none together.) I'm so afraid of them getting bad news and the incredible guilt that will come along with our success and their failure.  However, my mom told me something that almost made me turn into a puddle of emotions: She said, "Your brother told me that he really hoped it worked for you because he knew that if you didn't get pregnant you'd be devastated. He said that if this doesn't work for them then it's not the end of their world but he knows you'd be crushed." Cue tears.  I really, really hope my brother gets good news and that my sister-in-law and I have babies together. It would be amazing.

I want to thank each and every person who has helped me, supported me and encouraged me on this journey. I had my doubts as to whether this day would ever come.  You never know how comforting the words of an internet stranger can be until you go on a journey like this. A huge thank you also goes out to the ladies who donated meds to me when mine were held hostage in Customs.  This literally would not be happening right now if it weren't for you and I will forever be grateful. I am still thinking of each and every one of my dear friends who is still waiting on their miracles. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that your time comes soon too. ((HUGS))

So, without further adeiu....proof that I am indeed KTFU. This is a St. Nicholas Day to remember! Believe in Christmas miracles, I know I do.

P.S. After telling Mike, the second best part of my day was getting to tell my six year old niece, the Amazing Annabelle, that her good luck card brought me lots of luck and that she was going to have a new baby cousin. Her response? "Aww. You have a BABY?!?!? Now I can tell my friends....." <3

Just Call Me Eeyore

Today is 5dp5dt. I hope that cramping is a good sign because I am having an incessant amount of AF-type cramps, back pain included. My breasts are still very tender and I'm still feeling very fatigued and lazy.  Unfortunately, all of these symptoms are probably from the progesterone I am injecting in my bottom every night. There's no way to tell if they're due to pregnancy. Last night's PIO injection was on my left side and amazingly it didn't feel like "Something jumped up and bit me!"  I hope the shots on left side continue to improve. Luckily I haven't needed the heating pad as much lately, which has been great! 
What's not so great are my emotions.  The past two days I have felt a little like Eeyore with a rain cloud hanging over my head. I don't know if it's the hormones getting the best of me or what but I'm just so damn scared this cycle is a failure. My body has failed me for the past 36 months, why should this month be any different? This feeling is exactly what I was worried about when I first started this IVF. I have no idea how to make it better.

Temporary fix: greasy pizza. All I had to do was tell Mike, "Beaker and Bunsen are hungry."  (B/t/w...that's what we've been calling our embies for the last few days. We thought it was fitting considering their start at life) and he said, "What do I need to pick up?"  Love.that.man.

Thanks to Jen from When Life Hands You Lemons for giving me this award! I'm a new follow of her blog and I look forward to following her IVF journey as well!

Certain rules apply when receiving this award:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award!

2. List 7 things people may not know about you.

3. Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and notify them as well. (The hard part is trying to pick other bloggers who have not been chosen already. If you have received the award from someone else, just ignore my nomination! However, you can secretly be honored!)

So, without further adieu...7 things about me you may not know!

1. I am the baby of 5.  There are now 21 people in my immediate family and I've always dreamed of having a big family of my own! 

2. I met my husband on the way to my first college class. I had seen him around the gym (I played volleyball and he played football) and thought he was cute. I made the first move by asking him for directions and we ended up having the same class. :) 

3.  I was Alice in my third grade play, "The Trial of Alice in Wonderland." I had a singing solo. You know, "I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it......"  Yeah, I failed miserably. 

4. I have never been a big meat eater but I officially went meat-free after reading Skinny Bitch. I tried to go vegan but I love dairy too damn much, though I do make substitutions in my diet when I can.

5. I LOVE The Cure. Favorite.band.ever.

6. I was barely 20 years old when I married Mike. My parents were less than thrilled because all of my other siblings were older and out of college by the time they married; they were worried I wouldn't finish my degree. I got my B.S. in 2007, only one semester behind schedule. 

7. I have two dogs and two cats, all rescues. Zero and Bailey are my pups and Figaro and Quidditch are my kitties. I do not know what I'd do without them.

And now, the 15 people I would like to pass this award on to:

1. Diana at Bun(less) in the Oven, who is no longer Bunless!

2. Julia at TTC Baby E

3. Allie at Project Open Hearts

4. Lauren at Not Just an Army Wife
5. Sailor's Sweetheart at Living Out of a Suitcase

6.Christa at Fearlessly Infertile

7. Lisa at Hapa Hopes

8. Joys Truly at Gonna Do It For Baby

9. The Annoyed Army Wife

10. Megan at Infertile Myrtle

11. Casey at This Modern Love
12. Cass at One Day: I'll Have My Baby Bump

13. Christine at Love, Marriage and a Baby Carriage?

14. Mrs. S at Him + Me = Three?
15. Liz at Compromised Fertility

My Humps

Okay, you know that Black.Eyed.Peas song where she's talking about her lovely lady lumps? Well, I'm pretty sure those lumps have been transported....to my ass.  Seriously--the PIO is kicking my butt, quite literally.  The right side isn't too bad--I hardly feel a thing during the injection, but my left side is terrible painful, causing me to jump and tense up which only makes the entire injection all the worse.   The stupid injection two nights ago made me cry, which left me feeling miserably pathetic and DH feeling like the biggest a-hole in the world.  After each shot, DH is massaging the area for 5 minutes and I spend the rest of the evening with my best friend, the heating pad. I don't know what else to do to make shots on the left side more bearable. Is there anyone out there who can offer some suggestions or is this something I'm just going to have to deal with, like everything else IVF related?

Eye on the prize, eye on the prize.

A Tale of E-pee-ic Proportions

Last night was my embryo transfer. Mike arrived home from work and we left for the clinic just in time to fight with rush hour traffic.  I knew I had to go in with a full bladder but I had been warned by a friend not to let it get so full that it was uncomfortable, so I used the loo right before we left since I have the bladder of an 80 year old man.  After about 30 minutes of sitting in traffic, I knew I was in trouble--I had to effing pee. We couldn't stop anywhere because we were already at the risk of being late but I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it until after my embryo transfer. So, I did the only irrational rational thing that a crazy, hormonal lady would do: I peed in a bottle in the back seat of my car. Yes, you read that right. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

As I climbed over the seat, Mike handed me an empty Gatorade bottle and wished me luck. I said, "It's okay, I've done this before."  Apparently after 7.5 years of marriage there are still things that Mike doesn't know about me. Ha! Luckily it was already dark so no one had any idea why I was squatting in the floor board of my back seat. Besides, this is the West Coast so I'm sure people have seen faaaaar crazier shit than this. I had a comforter in the back that we use to cover the seat when we have the dogs with us so I put that under me, in case of any drippage and there was drippage.  Grossed out yet?  Mike handed me my purse so I could dig out my hand sanitizer and I left the pee blanket and bottle in the back for him to deal with later, since I was going to be on bed rest. Aren't I a nice wife?

I wish the pee story ended there but it doesn't.  Remember the whole 80 year old man bladder? Yeah. By the time we arrived at the clinic 30 minutes later, I had to pee again. We could hear the nurses moving around in the back but no one was at the front desk to help us. I was thinking, "Dear God in Heaven, do they want me to piss myself?!"  About five hours later (Okay, it was only about five minutes but it felt like five hours!) the nurse came out, checked us in and informed us that the sonographer was running late. I groaned and Mike could see the pleading, pathetic look on my face so he asked the nurse if I had time to use the restroom before my appointment. The middle-aged nurse immediately went from sweet and gentle to torturess extraordinaire--she wouldn't let me pee. I'm sure the other couple in the waiting room were having a good laugh over the 27 year old woman doing the potty dance.

Now, here comes an admission that I'm not all that proud of (and you thought it couldn't get worse than the Gatorade bottle, right?)  I waited until the nurse went to the back.....and I snuck to the bathroom. There, I admit it.  In my defense, the sonographer was still MIA and I only went a little bit. Ah, it was blissful. About five minutes later, the sonographer finally arrived and I was almost immediately called back to the ultrasound room to have my bladder checked. My palms got sweaty and I felt like a kid going to the principal's office. "Oh shit, she's going to know that I just peed. Shit, shit, shit!" So I laid back on the table, she squirted me with warm goo and I prepared myself to be scolded.  My 80 year old man bladder was too full. Ha! So I waddled across the hall, clinging to the pink paper sheet around my waist and was instructed to empty my bladder 1 1/4 cups. Do you know how hard it is to pee without emptying your entire bladder? For serious.

After I was done I waddled back into the room, was squirted with more warm goo and the sonographer told me that I needed to empty by another 1/4 cup. Are you kidding me? As if the first time wasn't hard enough now I had to pee and almost immediately stop again.  Are these sonographers trained in the art of torture or what? I did as commanded though and before I could say I-hate-you, it was time to do my transfer! 

Who knew that it would take four people, working in simultaneous harmony, to knock me up?  The sonographer, the RE, the embryologist and the nurse were all in my business last night--I think it was a new record for me. The most uncomfortable part of the procedure was when my doctor shifted the speculum to straighten out my cervix--I was so worried about peeing on him! I couldn't see the ultrasound screen during the procedure but Mike was watching the entire time while holding my hand and rubbing my head.  He said that our embies looked like two shooting stars as they whizzed into my uterus and disappeared. My biology dork was in awe.

Resting for 30 minutes after the ET

We transferred two beautiful "premium quality" (Dr.'s words, not mine) expanding blastocysts. A little googling told me that an expanding blastocyst is the "best" embryo quality you can have, so I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Hopefully they're snuggling in and already beginning to hatch. Unfortunately, none made it to freeze so these two are our little champions.  Dr. gave me strict instructions to take it extremely easy for the next 72 hours--no lifting anything over five pounds (sorry kitties!) no orgasms (sorry husband!) and no strenuous activity.  He assured me that I wasn't going to "shake the babies out" and that there wasn't much science to back up his mandated rest period, but that he feels it's in the best interest f the embryos.  Apparently opening doors is strenuous because Mike was told that he even has to do that for me. You should have seen him carrying my purse last night--ha.  The paper that was sent home with us had instructions for me to travel home laying (lying?) down in the back seat but with the Gatorade bottle and pee blanket back there, that wasn't going to happen. I rode home in the passenger seat instead which was fine with me since it has butt warmers. We grabbed dinner at Panera (it's tradition now!) and I was able to eat real food for the first time in two days. I hope and pray that PIO and I are becoming friends now, although last night's shot was borderline unforgivable and I still had to take the maximum allowed dosage of Tums yesterday.

My doctor just celebrated his 25th anniversary of practicing IVF so he is kind of old school. Unfortunately I did not get a picture of my baby blasts because they don't like to "expose" the embryos for the purpose of picture-taking. So, we'll pretend that these little blasts below are Thing 1 and Thing 2, they all look the same at this stage anyway, right? I'm PUPO! Beta is next Friday.