Hello, my name is Megan and I am a POAS addict. It's a sickness. Always have been but it has been particularly bad since we started treatments. I've tested like this after every.single.IUI. which makes the fact that we actually got a BFP this cycle all the more amazing. A few people in my life don't understand that apparently and I feel like they're trying to burst my bubble, whether they mean to or not. They've asked me about false positives and doubted my pregnancy because it hasn't been confirmed by a doctor. ::sigh:: I guess I'm still in such shock that I'm in a position to be easily persuaded that it might not be true.
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| Is there really any denying this? |
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| Punk Rock Baby. |
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| Vintage Tattoo Hot Sling |
I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I really don't think there's any denying that I am pregnant but having a medical professional confirm it will help me feel better.....I hope. I told Mike last night that I feel like this is a total mind fuck because of all my "symptoms." I don't know what's a side effect of the PIO versus a pregnancy symptom and I don't know what's real and what's just in my head. It's just crazy. I feel on the verge of tears all.the.time.. Yesterday I was starving but nothing sounded or tasted good. I had three different dinners before settling on a bowl of cereal, which I had to force myself to eat. I finally got the courage to vacuum because I fight a never-ending battle of fur control. It exhausted me. Luckily, my amazing sister sent me the most awesome gift for the days when I don't feel like doing anything: The complete series of Gilmore Girls--my FAVORITE. I've been DVRing re-runs for years but now I don't have to anymore!
Since finding out I am pregnant I have had a very difficult time with "survivors guilt" and being on the other side of infertility. How do you deal with the guilt of getting pregnant while so many others are still struggling? Several months ago, I started a local support group for infertiles and now I have no idea how to act around them. In the rules of my group I ask that everyone practice sensitivity in announcing BFPs or talking about their children if they're dealing with secondary IF. We're having a lunch get together on the 17th and I feel like I have no business going now. I feel guilty for answering questions about how I'm feeling. I just don't want to be the one to rub salt in anyone's wounds. I read a cycle buddy's blog last night and unfortunately her IVF ended with a BFN. My heart broke for her as I read her words because up until three days ago I could literally have imagined myself writing a blog entry very similar to hers. I don't expect everyone to be sincerely happy for me. I've been in there. I know how absolutely devastating someone else's BFP can be. I don't want my happiness to cause anyone's heartache but I've waited nearly four years to celebrate and I deserve to be happy, right? Even if I am only 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I feel like I no longer belong in the IF community but I definitely can not relate to the "I-got-pregnant-on-a-whim" community (I joined Pregnant Fort Lewis wives last night. Gag me, seriously). I am just not sure how to deal with this.
yayyyyyy darker HPT's :)))
ReplyDeleteGL with your beta tomorrow! I'm still peeing on those sticks like a crazy girl too. Seeing those pink lines never gets old. I've waited to see them for so long.
ReplyDeleteYay! Yay! Yay! I hope I can write the same thing in 2 weeks!!
ReplyDeleteStep away from the pee sticks! Good luck with your beta.
ReplyDeletethe plus side of your addiction... at least you're well hydrated so you can keep peeing on sticks :)
ReplyDeleteHa- I wrote the SAME thing today- you will have to read my post- SO exciting- but already feel like an outsider. :(
ReplyDeletewww.ovulationfail.blogspot.com
Good Lucky on your BETA!!! I know how you feel when you’re not sure what symptoms are what! I am now 6dp3dt and I think I am driving myself crazy! I can’t even get my mind focused enough to write any blog post!
ReplyDeleteMeghan you completely deserve this, I m sure it feels strange to be on the other side but you worked your butt off to get there!!
Congratulations again! And I am NOT trying to rain on your parade but I felt the EXACT same way when I found out I was pregnant in July, slowly weaned myself out of the IF blogs found pregnant bloggers etc and then lost the baby at 12 weeks and got thrown right back into this mess. Be happy and be positive but also be careful with your heart especially in these really early days. I hope everything goes well with your beta!
ReplyDeleteI peed on that many too :) I felt that "survivor's guilt" too. I think all of us in the IF world do. Sending lots of good thoughts for your beta!
ReplyDeleteDon't let the guilt get to you. You've gone through too much for too long not to enjoy this. During my last cycle, I had a cycle bud too on the the blogs and she got a positive and I got a negative. I was sad for me but so happy for her. Just because it hurts someone to here about your BFP, doesn't mean they are not truly happy for you. Embrace it all and I cannot wait to hear about ur beta!
ReplyDeleteAww Megs...I'm so excited for you and Mike. You both are going to be great parents and just wish I could be there to see your beautiful baby bump form.
ReplyDeleteI seriously just sat here and bawled my eyes out reading this.. Ive been praying this would happen for you (as I'm super creepy stalking to your blogs lol). and Im so happy for you!<3 I deff understand, when I got pregnant I felt so happy but so sad for my friends. I talked to them and they were over the moon for me. I was shocked, some of them had been trying a lot longer then I had. It was such a blessing to have people tell me how happy they are for me. I'm positive your friends will feel the same.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, CONGRATULATIONS!
ReplyDeleteAs for survivors guilt. I'm not sure how to encourage you because I totally understand your feelings and have battled the same thing for years now. To the point where when people see my two kids (who are 16 months apart) and immediately assume I am a "fertile myrtle" I want to go into a huge addendum about my infertility, my miscarriages, and the complete shock my son was. Instead I just smile and pray to the infertility Gods that there isn't a woman who sees me across the Target and gets heartsick thinking I am some "fertile" bitch while she battles her IVF cycle. I almost want to wear a shirt that says "don't judge a book by it's cover" because while I look like I've had it easy in the babymaking department, it couldn't be further from the truth. Whew. Guilt much???
That being said, you need to really try and enjoy EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of your pregnancy. In my opinion, there isn't an "us vs. them" thing going on (meaning, those struggling with infertility vs. those who are pregnant/parenting with infertility). Unfortunately, the feelings you have struggled with for years will NOT go away because you are pregnant or even when you have a gorgeous baby. I still get jealous of friends who can family plan with little stress. Who don't have to be on anti-anxiety medications while pregnant because of miscarriages and premature deliveries. Who decided they want a baby, make love to their husband for a few months, and get a + test. It still gives my stomach a little twist to see those things... That hasn't changed and you can still be a huge support to the IF community. Even if you do have to hold back some of your joy because of their sorrow.
In my mind it is a matter of "know thy audience". You are still in a position to be a wonderful mentor for people starting their IF journey. And thank goodness people do "graduate" from this IF hell. Babies are a blessing, don't you ever ever for one second feel guilty for your blessing. You deserve every happiness.
I could go on and on about this. Bottom line: ENJOY. CHERISH THIS. Do not let your "mind fuck" drain fun out of your pregnancy.
xoxo