I'm a MOMMY!

How do I even choose where to begin? When I last left you I was having what I thought was practice labor. I watched the U.S. Women's Soccer team kick butt and win another gold medal, took a little nap and continued to experience contractions. Around 4:30 I texted Mike and asked when he was coming home. I wasn't in a lot of pain, contractions were still about 7-8 minutes apart but something inside me wanted him home with me. I was sitting on the birth ball when he arrived home with the Subway dinner I had requested. I was so hungry! I ate almost my entire foot long before I started feeling a little queasy and made myself stop eating. Around 6:00 Mike and I decided to go for another walk to see if it would help bring my contractions closer together. At this point I was having to lean on him during contractions and wanted him to be quiet. He referred to my contractions as waves and was starting to pick up on their pattern. He was reassuring me when he knew they were intensifying and was helping me through them by letting me know when it was almost over.  In between contractions I was  still very much engaged in conversation and Mike and I were talking happily about different things. Like how for the past few days I wanted to avoid the world and just stay safe and cozy in our house and about what it would be like when the baby finally came. I kept telling him that I hope all the contractions were doing something because I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle prodromal labor for days. I told him i wasn't afraid of labor, just of it going on for days. I wasnt afraid, I was ready.  Remember the last time I walked with Zero it slowed my contractions down instead of making them closer together or stronger? Not this time. I told Mike that according to the 5-1-1 rule we could probably go to the hospital but that I wanted to wait. I wasn't ready to go anywhere yet.

Around 6:45 I felt the urgent need to get back to the house as soon as possible because I was afraid my food was going to go right through me. Luckily we hadn't gone too far from the house and I made it to the bathroom just in time. I had a loose stool, felt a little sick and still wasn't convinced that this was really labor. I updated Sam, my doula extraordinaire, and she assured me that this all sounded very promising and could be early labor. *Quotes are from the birth story Sam wrote for me.*  I asked Mike if we could go walking again. This time we made it about 50 yards before I wanted to turn around and go home. I wanted to be in the privacy and security of our home and I wanted to rest. It was about 7:30 and I asked Mike if he would go buy me some Tylenol PM so I could try to get some sleep since my contractions were back to 7-8 minutes apart.  Sam said that it definitely sounded like an on again off again pattern of prelabor and that my body was gearing up for the real thing! I told her that the pain I was feeling then was psyching me out for the big ones and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle 'real' labor pains. She assured me that the longer I had the prelabor contractions the longer my body would get to adjust and the "easier" my labor would be.

 "Find yourself a mantra. something that really jumps out at you. Keep that in your mind! You and Mike have worked SO hard for this little lady--you are already stronger than you know.  You will work hard at bringing her to your arms, but it's only for a short while. Minimal!"  

8/9 7:36 pm

Around 8:00 we went upstairs to our bedroom and things become kind of blurry for me at this point.

I remember having a really hard time getting comfortable in bed. I was feeling a lot of pressure and tightness in my back and preferred the hands and knees position when a contraction came. Mike rubbed my back and my feet and tried to keep me as relaxed as possible. Everything was totally quiet. I was no longer functional enough to grab my phone to track my contractions and I was moaning to get through it. Mike kept telling me, "Good job, Megan. Let it out, let it out..."  This went on for the next few hours. As I said--a blur.  Around midnight I remember going through a particularly hard contraction and feeling a pop. I immediately said to Mike, "I think my water broke." He asked if I felt a pop and I said yes, sat up and felt a gush. I told Mike that I was ready to go to the hospital but that I wanted to take a shower and try to relax first.  When I got to the bathroom to get into the shower another contraction hit and I vomited all over myself and the floor. Mike helped get me undressed and into the shower. I told him to text Sam and tell her about the pop I felt. It was 12:30 and contractions were about 3 minutes apart.

I stayed in the shower while Mike texted Sam and called the on-call midwife. During this time I guess I decided it would be a good idea to shave my legs--what?!--because Mike came back into the bathroom while I was in the middle of a contraction and told me to drop the razor. I was moaning and leaning against the shower wall letting the hot water fall on my back. It took a lot of convincing to get me out of that shower and I vomited again before getting out.  Mike put the dogs up, grabbed the last minute items we needed and we headed to the car. I asked him to slide the passenger seat all the way forward so that I could get in the back seat on my hands and knees--there was NO way I would be able to sit in a seat. Since it was the middle of the night there was no traffic, thankfully, but it was the longest 20 minute car ride EVER. Mike was doing his best to comfort me through contractions, putting one hand on my back and coaching me through each wave, as he drove. I asked Sam to hurry and told her how much it hurt.  I was starting to get scared from the pain and my mind was doubting whether or not I could stick to my birth plan and forgo drugs.  The ER parking lot was pretty empty and thankfully we found a spot right up front. It was 1:00 when we got there and I remember about five different people asking if I wanted a wheelchair. Didn't these people know that the last thing I wanted to do was to sit down?

While Mike answered a million questions I was leaning on the counter and moaning and rocking my hips to get through the contractions. I remember wondering if I was scaring the other people in the ER waiting area. The nurse kept asking me if I felt the urge to push but I wasn't feeling that yet. They had to page labor and delivery a second time because they were taking their sweet time. I vomited a third time--thank goodness Mike had brought a grocery bag. At 1:30 a nurse from L&D finally arrived--with a wheelchair that I didn't want--at the same time that Sam arrived. I don't know how long it took us to get upstairs because I had to stop a lot to get through the contractions. It was in the hallway that I said the words, "I don't want to do this anymore." for the first time. They put us in a triage room at first and I immediately noticed there was no tub. My birth plan was a water birth. It was then that we were informed that the plumbing was being repaired and would be out until 5 am. There was no way to fill a tub and I would not be getting my water birth.

Sam grabbed a birth ball and told me to try it out to see if it helped alleviate my back pain but I wanted nothing to do with it. I went to the bed and they hooked me up to the monitors--baby's heart rate was un-reactive/flat during contractions so constant monitoring was necessary. I was convinced I wanted an epidural. I insisted that I couldn't do it anymore and Mike kept reminding me that I was doing it. At 2:30 a nurse checked me and I was already 7cm and baby was fully in position! I had been having contractions on and off all day and exhaustion was grabbing hold--I started begging Mike for an epidural. I begged him not to be mad at me. He assured me that he was not mad at me and he reminded me of all the reasons I did not want an epidural in the first place--risk of labor stalling, risk of c-section, adverse reactions, etc. I wouldn't hear it though--I wanted relief--but Mike and Sam came up with a compromise: get through five more contractions and we would re-evaluate before committing to an epidural. Contractions were 1-1.5 minutes apart. I agreed but told them that I just wanted it to be over and that I didn't want to do it anymore. Again, I begged for the epidural and Sam reminded me that I had three more contractions to go.

At 3:00 the nurse began prepping me for the epidural by placing an IV. She couldn't get it started so the anesthesiologist came in to place the line. While the line was being placed I had bright bloody discharge and Sam was convinced that I was already at least 8 or maybe even 10 centimeters and she told me that I would have my baby in my arms by 4:30. Mike and Sam were doing everything they could to keep the epidural from being placed. They reminded me how far I had come, how hard I worked and how close I was to meeting my baby. I wasn't having any of it though and I was immediately moved to a delivery room after the IV was placed.

At 3:15 the anesthesiologist came into the room and very briefly explained the benefits and risks of an epidural. I thought to myself, "I am in no state to make a major decision like this. I can't believe they're letting me make a decision like this right now."  Exactly two sentences came out of his mouth before he turned to Sam and rudely said, "When I place the epidural you need to leave the room." He was not pleased that Mike and Sam were trying to delay the epidural as long as possible. The anesthesiologist had brought in all the equipment for the epidural before any paperwork had even been signed so Sam asked the nurse to remove it all from the room.

 "Mike was doing a fantastic job helping Megan to remain centered and Megan had gotten herself into a great place, mentally and physically. Rocking seemed to be her rhythm and her urge to push had started."

I was starting to feel a lot of pressure and it was at this point that I felt myself snap out of la la land. I realized how close I was to meeting my baby girl. Our miracle. Still, it wasn't time to push yet so Sam helped me blow through contractions and resist the urge to push. My contractions were 2 minutes apart and I was getting about 4-6 minute breaks in between during my transition phase.  Mike and Sam kept encouraging me and telling me how strong I was. We were getting so close and the midwife still wasn't there.

It took a lot of convincing to allow the nurse to check me again--I knew it was going to hurt and I didn't want more pain. At 3:35 I was 8.5 cm and while my contractions had slowed quite a bit the urge to push was getting stronger and stronger. I started to feel like someone was holding a match against my vagina--the burning was so intense but in a way it was a relief from the contractions that I had been feeling just minutes before. I think it was during this time that Mike had to remove his wedding ring because I may have been crushing his hand a wee bit. Mike asked if they had a chance to review my birth plan since we had requested immediate skin-to-skin, delay cord clamping and to retain my placenta.

"Megan knew it was almost time to push and her demeanor completely changed. She was ready to get to 10 cm and push Baby H. into her arms. She was completely focused and serious, no more desire for an epidural. At 3:50, before the nurse could even get out the door, Megan said she was feeling a lot of pressure and couldn't fight against pushing. She also let out a very vocal and very different reaction to that contraction, so we all knew it was time for her to push. Megan was at 10 cm and felt baby's head very down low. "

 

At 3:55 I started to push. I pushed when I wanted to push. The lights were low and there was no one screaming at me.  I was allowing my body to do the work. There was no more resisting. I don't  know how to describe it other than it felt like the world's biggest bowel movement. I remember telling myself with each contraction, "You are one step closer to meeting your baby...You are one step closer to meeting your baby."  The midwife came in just before crowning.  I was still laying on my side and putting a lot of energy into gripping the bed with my arms so they suggested I roll onto my back, grab my legs and put the energy into bearing down instead. I can hear Sam's voice saying, "You are so strong, Megan!" when I was pushing. This let me know that all my hard work was doing something. I was extremely vocal at this point and heard Mike make a noise that sounded like a laugh and I yelled, "Don't laugh at me!" he wasn't laughing. He was already crying. I asked, "Is she coming!?" and screaming out as I felt her head emerge. The ring of fire was intense but it was such a relief to be pushing. I could feel my body working toward something and I was so focused on my little girl being in my arms very soon. In one big gush I felt her emerge from my body and I heard the midwife and nurses say, "Look down Megan! Here's your baby!"

At 0417 Hazel Evelyn was born. 

I was finally a mommy.

They placed Hazel on my belly and as I sobbed I said to her, "Happy Birthday!  We've waited so long to meet you!!!" I was in a daze--I felt as high as a kite. I didn't have my contacts in so I couldn't see her very clearly but I could hear her cry. I can not even begin to describe the relief I felt. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I could hardly believe that after 4.5 years I was finally holding a baby of my own. I remember looking at Mike and saying, "I did it! I can't believe I did it!" He looked into my eyes and said, "I can."

I laid there in kind of a fog while we waited for her cord to stop pulsing. Mike got to do the honors of cutting it.

I felt like I was in a dream.

 

I told Mike that she smelled like vanilla.

 

I birthed my placenta without any issues and they took it away to make sure it was intact. Sam kept a close watch on it since we planned to take it home for encapsulation. 

 

The midwife started to press on my abdomen to get my uterus to contract. I was told that I was bleeding a lot and they asked if they could give me a small dose of pitocin to help stop the bleeding. I was on a total baby high at that point. They probably could have told me they were injecting anti-freeze and I wouldn't have cared. I had a 2nd degree tear that needed to be stitched up as well but all I was thinking about was the new life in my arms. 

While we were waiting to be moved into a postpartum room I told Mike how hungry I was. Thankfully we had planned ahead and packed some Clif Bars and Sam gave me some water. The sun was starting to come up.

Hazel came out with a lot of vernix on her lower body. She weighed 7 lb 12 oz and was 19.75 inches long. Her apgar score was 9/9.

I asked Sam to come to our postpartum room with us because I wanted a picture of her and Hazel.

She was such a beautiful pink color and I told Mike, "She smells pink!'

There are no words to describe how I felt after giving birth to my miracle baby after four years of infertility. Numerous painful tests, a surgery, failed procedure after failed procedure, years of heartache. All of that went away in an instant. 

Hazel was worth the wait.

Over the past few days I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my birth. I have never felt so proud of myself in my life. I was able to stick to my natural birth plan but I couldn't have done it without Samantha and Mike. Mike was absolutely amazing during the entire thing. He really was my source of comfort and support. I remember crying out to him in pain--I needed him. He did everything he could to help me stick to my birth plan. Even though I was begging for relief and for it to be over he knew knew how important a natural birth was to me and without his help I don't think I would have made it. As far as my doula Sam---neither Mike nor myself would have made it without her help and support. When the pain was at its worst she promised me that I would be having a baby in an hour and a half--and I did! During one particular bad contraction I looked at Mike and told him I wanted drugs. He said that I broke his soul with that look and he would have given in had Sam not been there to back him up. If you're even considering a natural birth--HIRE A DOULA. I will be forever grateful for Samantha's help during my labor and I like to think I've made a new lifetime friend.

I am so overcome with emotion as I look back on the pictures from that day. I feel such a strong spiritual connection with other women who have done this before me. I feel empowered. I feel strong. But...

If I had to pick one word to describe how I feel it would be

 THANKFUL. 

Thankful we found Dr. Moruzzi. Thankful our IVF worked. Thankful that we had loving and supportive friends and family who helped us through the dark times and rejoiced with us in the good. Thankful that I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and a textbook natural delivery. Thankful that Mike and Sam got me through it.
Thankful for my miracle baby. 

Even now, with all the emotions and memories of birth so fresh and raw, I would gladly do it all again tomorrow. She is so beyond what I could have ever imagined. She is my dream come true.