Wiped.

My Morning Injections
From L to R: Menopur and Diluent, 27g needle, syringe, 31g needle and Micro Dose Lupron, Alcohol Swabs and Q-Cap

I was ready for bed by 5 pm last night but I ended up going to bed around 9 and of course I wasn't able to sleep until 11. I.am.wiped.  I don't know if it's the meds or what but I feel absolutely exhausted. Not much else to say right now other than that my H is supposed to be getting his phone back today and I can't wait to hear from him! It's been really difficult to start all this by myself. Sure, I'm getting through it but it will be really nice when my support system is home with me to get through the tough stuff together. My original meds are STILL in Customs and my replacement order arrived there this morning.  I am going to be stalking the tracking information today for any clue as to whether or not my replacement meds are going to get stuck there too.

My doctor called last night and said, "Your estradiol is rising nicely," as if he were complimenting me. Ha! I didn't know what to say. "Thank you? I rock." I have to go for blood work tomorrow and then an ultrasound on Sunday. It will be nice to know how many more days I need to do the injections because I'm starting to feel (and look!) like a pin cushion. I'm kind of welcoming the bloating that's coming along with all of this because I am seriously running out of new injection sites. After my evening injections I reward myself with a little treat--it's a great motivator. I don't normally have a sweet tooth but these are delicious!

My belly complete with laparoscopy scars, redness, bruising and bloat.

My post-injection treat.

Retail Therapy.

After my shots last night I was ready to take back everything I said about the injections not hurting and the Menopur not burning. Last night's injections were rough, really rough.  I felt the needle catch, followed by a pop, extreme burning, bleeding and bruising. Thankfully, this morning went much more smoothly.  I've found that it is much less painful when I grit my teeth and just jab the needle in as opposed putting it in gingerly but the Menopur still burns like a bitch, there's no stopping that.  My poor abdomen is already tender and sore and it hurts for Figaro to lay on me now. I have a feeling this is going to get much, much worse before it gets better.

I had to drive to my clinic to get my blood checked today and afterward a friend and I went to lunch and to the mall for a little retail therapy.  I haven't been to a mall in at least a year (shocking, right?) and I was able to finish up my Christmas shopping for Mike. I even got him a few extra things and treated myself to a couple new sweaters, a bottle of Winter Candy Apple lotion from Bath & Body Works (yum!) and a new pair of slippers. I'm exhausted now but was very happily surprised when arrived home to a little package from C from Waiting and Wishing Thank you so much, Christi! I love the socks, the book mark and your sweet note! The support that I've received during my IVF journey thus far has been absolutely amazing. Thank you, everyone.

Baseline Appointment

So this morning I had yet another person see my vajayjay, what else is new? I had some blood drawn, an internal ultrasound and then the oh so fun uterine sounding.  I was expecting pain but nothing can ever fully prepare you for intense cervical and abdominal cramps--thank goodness it only lasted about 20-30 seconds and ended with me clenching the table for dear life.  I really could have used Mike there for support, but such is life. 

I left my appointment feeling completely overwhelmed. I've felt in my gut for a long time that we would have to do IVF to have our family but it is surreal now that it's finally here.  I didn't expect to feel so emotional about everything.  I know a huge part of it is not having my support system home with me but I think I am mostly scared of the unknown. My biggest fear right now is not the four injections a day, but that this will all be for nothing and that I won't get pregnant.  It has been three years since we actively started trying to conceive and now we find ourselves beginning the ultimate treatment. I know that IVF can be a process and that sometimes it takes a few attempts to be successful but I am wishing so hard that this works the first go around.

I start my Lupron tomorrow and my Menopur on Wednesday. I'll be doing am/pm Lupron and am/pm Menopur. I am so incredibly grateful for my donor meds. My meds are still in Customs but IVFMeds has sent a replacement order that "might" be here Thursday. Here's hoping that they aren't held hostage as well!

To help me stay positive throughout this, I've hung up a few 'good luck notes' and some quotes in my bathroom, quotes that have brought me hope during my journey with infertility.  I hope that they bring me comfort and will remind that this will all be worth it for our future baby.  I can't wait to tell him or her (or them!) how much they were wanted and how much they were loved before they were even conceived.

"When the world says give up hope whispers, try it one more time." 

"Our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

Without further adieu, here is a picture of my set up. Obviously I would have more Menopur if my shipment had actually arrived but this is about half of what I need along with gauze pads, alcohol swabs, sharps container, prenatal vitamins, filtered needles, Q-Caps, 40 vials of diluent and about 50-75 syringes and needles. Commence freak out.

Megan vs. Tricare: Round Two

Yesterday I changed my PCM (Primary Care Manager for you non-military folks) to a civilian provider, one that has nothing to do with Madigan. Hopefully one that will send my referral directly to Tricare instead of Madigan and I can be seen at the RE in Olympia.  He's in the Tricare Network. I don't  I still haven't heard from Patient Advocacy. I'm not going to bother fighting with them until I see how Round Two goes first. I may have to break out the heavy gloves! I really need to write down  everything that I've had to put up with. Most recently, I got my CD3 blood work results which confirm that I do, in fact, have Diminished Ovarian Reserve. Do you think that I found this out from the IF cilnic? No. I had to call my PCM's office and they gave me the results over the phone. I've diagnosed myself based on the research I've done.  I haven't heard a word from the RE. The results of my CD3 labs (the labs that I had to fight for since they kept insisting that it'd be really rare for something to be off) came back in the normal ranges. However, the normal ranges cover a broad spectrum and a few of my hormones are actually a little high for my age.  These tests should have been the first thing the doctor did when I became their patient last September. I hate myself for listening to them and allowing them to keep telling me that I didn't need the blood work, that everything was fine.
 CD3 Lab Results:
Thyroid: 1.8
Estradiol: 55
FSH: 8.02
LH: 4.14

Coupled with my AMH of .85, it is very likely that the next time (when I actually get an appoitment) I see my doctor that I will be given the official word that I have DOR.  As far I know, this just means I have less eggs than I should at my age.  Because of my age, the doctors still expect my eggs to be of good quality but that's something they can't really know until we get to the IVF stage.  

I'm having doubts about moving right to IVF. I'm second guessing our decision to forgo the injectables and IUI. One of my RE's, Dr. B. said he doesn't like to do injectables and IUI because you can't control how many eggs actually fertilize. Makes sense. After all, this is the same treatment that allowed Kate Gosselin to become pregnant with sextuplets! The other RE, Dr. C., did give us the option of doing this treatment but said we would not have increased success, so we decided to opt for the lap/IVF route.  Now that I've been researching it, I don't understand why we wouldn't have an increased chance of success? You have the greatest chance of success in your first three rounds of IUI but since we'd be switching the protocol (i.e. drugs/treamtnet) my success rate should start fresh.  I've got a call into the IF clinic to discuss my lab results and I'm going to pretend I don't know what the results were. They probably won't give them to me over the phone so hopefully I can make an appointment and talk to them about everything.

So for now, I'm waiting for Tricare to approve the PCM change before I can make an appointment with her  Fingers crossed. If the referral doesn't come through then Mike and I are going to have to talk to Tricare again and have everything spelled out to us as far as what's covered and what's not covered if we switch to Standard. I still don't know what we'll do since we'd essentially be giving up our spot on the IVF waiting list.

I'm still having my laparoscopy on the 25th and am so happy that my mom will be flying in to be here for me.  Mike's having a crazy time at work right now and doesn't even know if he'll be able to get off for my surgery so I'm really glad my mom will be here.  What girl doesn't need her mommy every now and again?

Is it weird that I'm actually hoping they find endo or something? At least we'd have an answer as to why I'm not getting pregnant. Unexplained infertility is so incredibly frustrating! Maybe they'll find something, fix it and I'll be able to get pregnant without IVF. I know it's wishful thinking. Hope for the best but expect the worse.