Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day and for the past few years this has been a day surrounded by heartache. Everywhere I turned there was a card, a box of chocolates, a 1-800-FLOWERS commercial, SOMETHING to remind me of what I didn't have, the one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world.  While I am still just an expectant mom, I've decided to embrace this holiday this year. No matter what happens form here on out, I will ALWAYS be a mom. Mike woke me up this morning by saying, "Happy Mommies Day!" and I teared up. I'm just so incredibly thankful to be where I am.

I've been thinking a lot about how far we've come in the the past year.  I wrote this last Mother's Day: 

Holidays are always hard when you're infertile.  So many holidays are centered around children, often making them unbearable for an infertile couple.  Mother's Day is a day to celebrate our own moms and all they've done for us but it is also a day to celebrate our own motherhood...or it should be.  The banners, the tearjerker cards, the commercials and even the Mother's Day sales on luggage are a painful reminder that I am not yet a mother.   We found out that our first IUI attempt failed just in time to "celebrate" Mother's Day. With each holiday that passes, I think to myself, "Next year will be different."  It never is.  This will be the third Mother's Day to pass since I started trying to become a mom. I can't wait for this Mother's Day season to be over and I feel so guilty for feeling that way.

I'm not asking for sympathy and I certainly don't want your pity. All I'm asking is that those of you who are already mothers take a moment and remember the barren women who are suffering and counting the seconds until Mother's Day is over. Remember the women who have lost their babies, the women who are being poked and probed, undergoing test after test and failed procedure after failed procedure, or miles of bureaucratic red tape waiting for their adoption match.  Please remember the women who are going to hell and back for their chance to become a mom and pray that by next Mother's Day their hearts will be healed and their arms will be wrapped around the child they fought so hard for.

Here are some tidbits from different articles that I've read this week. I found them them interesting/comforting/meaningful/perfect:

"Holidays also mark the passing of another year. "Many couples say to themselves, 'Maybe next year at this time we'll have a baby to love,' and as the holiday passes without a pregnancy or a birth, feelings of defeat flood in," said Shapiro in her book Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.
Infertility is a loss that couples share, but women mourn it differently. "It's the woman's body that sustains the pregnancy, delivers the baby, nurses the baby, and little girls are socialized from their youngest years to anticipate motherhood as an integral part of their lives."
Shapiro said it's especially difficult for would-be mothers in their 20s and 30s not to be part of the "Club" that passes around sonograms, has baby showers at work, and talks, almost constantly, it seems, about everything from Lamaze classes to toilet training"  http://www.aces.uiuc.edu/news/stories/news2309.html

"This year when the fill-in-the-blank (pastor, priest, minister, rabbi, etc.) asks all women in the congregation who are mothers to stand to be recognized, you might take a closer look at the women who remain seated. There are many among them grateful that only a few hours remain to be endured in the annual Mother’s Day season." http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/07/a-non-mothers-day/

"It is good and right to honor mothers. The Bible calls us to do so. Jesus does so with his own mother. We must recognize though that many infertile women find this day almost unbearable. This is not because these women are (necessarily) bitter or covetous or envious. The day is simply a reminder of unfulfilled longings, longings that are good." http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/russellmoore/remember-the-infertile-on-mothers-day.html

"Just about every woman has a child in her life, by relation or by choice, whom she loves and adores. Every boo-boo she kisses, every little hand she holds, every hug she gives is a gift to that family. And every time a PANK® (Professional Aunt No Kids) stays late so a mom can leave early to attend to a sick child, or takes on double the work when a new mom is on maternity leave, she's contributing to the national American Family Village.
These Savvy Aunties are not childless. They are childfull; they choose to love the children they know and give to children around the nation -- and around the world.
 It's time to embrace all the maternal women in a child's life this Mother's Day. It's time to open the door and welcome Auntie in." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/mothers-day-other-mothers_b_857328.html?ref=fb&src=sp

"So this Mother’s Day, look around your church. Sitting in a chair or pew is a hurting woman who wants to celebrate the day, but is struggling with the pain of infertility. If you are a mother, it is a day to celebrate and be honored. But in your time of celebration and giving thanks to God for the blessings of your children, whisper a prayer for the other women - those with empty arms because of infertility, miscarriage, abortion, and even death. They are suffering their own private pain. Don’t offer platitudes, pity, or answers. Instead, offer yourself as a source of comfort and prayer." http://blogs.cbn.com/familymatters/archive/2010/05/06/mothers-day-a-painful-reminder-of-infertility.aspx

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the "moms" in my own life who helped shape me and make me the woman that I am today.  Happy Mother's Day to all of the expectant moms, moms of angels, fur baby moms, adoptive moms and future moms!

I know that when I was struggling, I had a really hard time reading success stories. Sometimes they gave me hope but most of the time I was too bitter to be happy. I would be lying if I didn't notice that my blog traffic significantly died down after my BFP. It didn't surprise or upset me though. I totally understand what it's like to feel like you're the only one still waiting for your miracle. Sometimes self preservation is the only way you can survive infertility. There has recently been some talk in a few forums that I belong to about how PAIF women seem to forget what it's like to struggle since some pregnant women post ultrasound photos and talk about their pregnancies non-stop, despite having infertile friends. I truly hope that I haven't caused any of my infertile friends and loved ones more heartache, though I understand what it's like to have someone living their dream right before your eyes. Okay, I feel like I'm rambling. The point of this post is that while I am extremely happy and thankful to be expecting a miracle baby, my heart is still with all of you who are still longing and praying for your chance to be a mom, whether it be through infertility treatments, adoption or surrogacy. Please know that I am thinking of you today, for I know the heartache that you're feeling. I pray that God lifts you up and that by this time next year we will all have beautiful, healthy babies in your arms!

“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

For all still waiting for their dreams to come true.