Just call me Betty, Bitter Betty.

It's amazing how much a good cry takes out of you. When Mike got home from work last night I showed him my flowers and immediately started to tear up again. He wrapped his arms around me and I the flood of emotions I've been bottling up inside for months just started pouring out.  It's not fair that 14 year olds can get pregnant on their first time having sex. Or the woman who will deliver a crack-addicted baby? Or the teenagers who just graduated high school? Or my friend who got knocked up on R&R? The friend who expected me to understand her facebook pregnancy announcement.  Why would she think otherwise? Fertile people don't know anything about what it's like to go through the pain of months of negatives, despite your perfect timing and accurate charting, numerous painful procedures and tests or what it's like to have no idea the  actual number of people to have seen your vajayjay. They have no idea the incredible frustration we feel because we have no idea WHY I'm not getting pregnant. I've had friends say that they were really concerned and were so upset when they weren't pregnant after 2-3 months. You know what? Fuck you. Try 30. 30 God damn months.
How could anyone that gets pregnant so easily really understand that? I resent them. Call me bitter, but I resent them. Is it right for me to do so? No. After all, it's not their fault they are fertile fucking myrtle just as it's not my "fault" that my uterus is defective.
After my long cry, we curled up on the couch and watched Notting Hill, one of my all-time "feel good" movies. It's even better now that we've actually been to London.  Right now I have a potato casserole in the oven for the FRG picnic that I'm terrified to go to. After the week I've had, I don't think it will take much for someone to set me off and I am so tired of putting on a happy face because people don't know how to respond if I tell them what is really going on with us.  Combine that with the fact that I'm 13dpiui and most likely pms'ing, I wouldn't exactly call myself Susie Sunshine right now.

I've had zero spotting, which is abnormal for me since I normally spot 3-4 days before AF. No sore boobs, no bloating, nothing.  Fertility Friend has my test day as Sunday and I'm terrified to test. I do not want to see another negative as this was our last shot before moving on to surgery and IVF. Part of me is glad that this is our last month of drugs and IUI because it's just way too exhausting.  With each month that passes you tell yourself, "Okay. I'm not going to get my hopes up this month." It never works. You still put all your faith and hope that this month is going to be your month and when it isn't, it's like a part of your heart dies. A part of your heart dies and you never really get it back.  You lose a bit of yourself with each BFN, even more so during the months where you took fertility drugs and felt like you actually had a chance at a BFP.

I'm terrified that I may never become a mom; that it may never happen for us and that I will forever be the "cool aunt." After the roller coaster of these past six months, I have to say that I am kind of looking forward to our break in treatments.  The stressful phone calls to the RE, the trips to the lab for another pregnancy test that I know is going to be negative, the long waits in the pharmacy, the monitoring ultrasounds and the trips to SRM for the IUI.  Looking back, I can't believe how naive I was. I used to think that all I needed was a trip to the RE to get me pregnant. What a foolish thought.