"It's a Sickness."

Hello, my name is Megan and I am a POAS addict. It's a sickness.  Always have been but it has been particularly bad since we started treatments. I've tested like this after every.single.IUI. which makes the fact that we actually got a BFP this cycle all the more amazing.  A few people in my life don't understand that apparently and I feel like they're trying to burst my bubble, whether they mean to or not. They've asked me about false positives and doubted my pregnancy because it hasn't been confirmed by a doctor. ::sigh::  I guess I'm still in such shock that I'm in a position to be easily persuaded that it might not be true.

Is there really any denying this?

Yesterday I went to the garage and pulled down a long forgotten box. I've been collecting baby clothes since 2006, when my neighbors started offering me hand-me-downs.  I haven't purchased many items but the ones I have purchased are so special. They've been tucked away for years (purchased after I naively thought I'd get pregnant right away) and I pulled them out yesterday just so I could look at them. I really hope I get to keep them out and actually use them in nine months.

Punk Rock Baby.

Vintage Tattoo Hot Sling

I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I really don't think there's any denying that I am pregnant but having a medical professional confirm it will help me feel better.....I hope. I told Mike last night that I feel like this is a total mind fuck because of all my "symptoms." I don't know what's a side effect of the PIO versus a pregnancy symptom and I don't know what's real and what's just in my head. It's just crazy.  I feel on the verge of tears all.the.time..  Yesterday I was starving but nothing sounded or tasted good. I had three different dinners before settling on a bowl of cereal, which I had to force myself to eat.  I finally got the courage to vacuum because I fight a never-ending battle of fur control. It exhausted me. Luckily, my amazing sister sent me the most awesome gift for the days when I don't feel like doing anything: The complete series of Gilmore Girls--my FAVORITE. I've been DVRing re-runs for years but now I don't have to anymore!

Since finding out I am pregnant I have had a very difficult time with "survivors guilt" and being on the other side of infertility. How do you deal with the guilt of getting pregnant while so many others are still struggling? Several months ago, I started a local support group for infertiles and now I have no idea how to act around them. In the rules of my group I ask that everyone practice sensitivity in announcing BFPs or talking about their children if they're dealing with secondary IF. We're having a lunch get together on the 17th and I feel like I have no business going now. I feel guilty for answering questions about how I'm feeling. I just don't want to be the one to rub salt in anyone's wounds.  I read a cycle buddy's blog last night and unfortunately her IVF ended with a BFN. My heart broke for her as I read her words because up until three days ago I could literally have imagined myself writing a blog entry very similar to hers. I don't expect everyone to be sincerely happy for me. I've been in there.  I know how absolutely devastating someone else's BFP can be. I don't want my happiness to cause anyone's heartache but I've waited nearly four years to celebrate and I deserve to be happy, right?  Even if I am only 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I feel like I no longer belong in the IF community but I definitely can not relate to the "I-got-pregnant-on-a-whim" community (I joined Pregnant Fort Lewis wives last night. Gag me, seriously).  I am just not sure how to deal with this.

Behind Enemy Lines

First, thank you for all the kind words and congratulations yesterday.  The amount of love we have received thus far has been amazingly awesome. I am so blessed.

At one point or another, every infertile woman has drawn a line in her mind between "us" and "them." The "pregnants" and the "un-pregnants."  Up until yesterday I was part of the "un-pregnants" for years and whether I liked it or not, I often considered the "pregnants" my enemies. Not because I hated them or wished bad things on them but because they were living my dream in front of me.  It was self preservation.  The Maternity/Baby Department in any store was like enemy territory, like the land of Mor.dor, only in place of orks and fire there were adorable outfits and the tiniest socks known to man kind, sitting on the shelves and taunting me. For an infertile, even walking in the vicinity of a maternity department was like walking the perimeter of a mine field.


Around 2:30 yesterday I finally got the courage to move off my bed, shower and head to the store.  Yesterday, I ventured into enemy territory, the Maternity Department at Target.  It.was.scary.  I felt like I didn't belong, like all eyes were on me and I had absolutely no business being there. However, I was on a mission, the hunt for a solution to the "my-pants-don't-fit" quandary.

My pants haven't fit since I started taking the IVF drugs and the only ones that have been comfortable have been my elastic waist pajama pants. Last Sunday, when we went to see The Muppets, I had to pull out my stretchy "fat jeans" because the normal ones weren't cooperating (I blamed the dryer.)  Even the fat jeans were becoming uncomfortable after I ate a few handfuls  half  the bag of popcorn. The hair-tie-through-the-belt-loop trick wasn't working anymore because my zipper wouldn't stay up.  had seen many discussions on the IF boards about a product at Target that helps to keep your pants up when you have to leave them unbuttoned, how they were helpful with early pregnancy bloat or even after meal of Thanksgiving proportions.  In spite of my newly pregnant status, I now felt justified in buying one of these belly bands and so I raced into the Maternity Department, grabbed what I needed and raced out. I didn't feel like I had any business being there but my mission was accomplished. Who knew that a piece of nylon/cotton blend could feel so damn heavenly? Hooray for comfort! Hooray for pants that won't fall down or squish Bunsen and Beaker! Oh, and I totally ordered a decaf White Chocolate Mocha at Star.bucks, just because I now have a real reason to need a decaf coffee.

I managed to make it out of the store with only six pregnancy tests: three FRERs and three CBE Digitals. Overkill? Perhaps.  I was so worried that I was going to wake up in the morning and it was all going to be a dream. I wanted plenty of tests to prove otherwise....and they did not fail. I got another beautiful BFP this morning, two gorgeous pink lines (twin girls!--haha). I still can't believe I'm pregnant. I hope this feeling never ends.

FRER confirmed this morning. The test line is much darker than it appears in the picture.

Just a few more memories things from yesterday that I don't want to forget:

• Getting a text from my 13 y/o niece saying she was very excited to have another cousin.
• My sister telling me that her whole body was smiling for us.
• Mike's grandma telling him that we need to be sure to put headphones on my belly so that the baby(ies) will know ALL the Disney songs in preparation for our trips to Disneyland/Disney World. She knows us well.
• Mike telling me that he couldn't stop staring at pictures of the tests and seeing his HUGE grin when he got home from work. Oh and him telling me that he couldn't concentrate at work at all yesterday.
• Toasting my pregnancy with non-alcoholic Beck's.  I love beer and will miss it dearly. I had hoped that this would be a good substitute during my pregnancy (holy crap, MY pregnancy!) but BLECH! Still, a non-alcoholic beer toast was much more "us" than a sparkling cider toast.
  
  

I'm still feeling crampy and I went to bed at 7:45 last night--I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was up at 0430 to POAS. Every twinge is terrifying but I'm trying very hard to focus on the positive and even allowed myself to 'talk pregnancy' with my sister. She has a few books to send me and I will gladly welcome them, especially since my dear, sweet husband is totally clueless when it comes to pregnancy and babies.  When my niece Charlotte was born in October, I flew out to Ohio to help my sister with everything after her c-section.  On Charlotte's second day of life, when she was still in the hospital, Mike asked me how my sister and BIL were doing and if Charlotte had slept through the night. I just laughed at him. Yesterday he told me that his family had asked him when we'd find out the gender(s) of the baby(ies) and he told them we'd know in a few weeks.  I just stared at him and asked why he thought that. He has thought we'd be able to find out when we have our first ultrasound at the end of the month. Poor, clueless man. It's not his fault though--he's never been around a pregnant woman (other than as a casual acquaintance)  or spent much time around newborns. He'd never even changed a diaper until he was left in charge of Madeline while my sister and I made a quick run to the store. I called to check on him and he informed me that Madeline woke up from her nap, needed to be changed and that he couldn't talk because he needed to get the "ingredients" together. Ha! I asked him last night if he'd read some baby books and he scowled and said no. So, I need to find "manly" pregnancy books. Perhaps something with car parts and tools on the cover....

Happy St. Nicholas Day!!!

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and St. Nicholas Day has always been very special to me. This year I got a very special gift: Santa brought me my first BFP. That's right, friends, I'm pregnant.

I am 6dp5dt and I woke up at 0430 and took a test. Nothing showed up at first and I felt so defeated but then, very slowly, a shadow of a line began to show and pretty soon there was a very faint but clear line. I just stared at it. I couldn't believe it. In almost four years, I have never, ever seen even a shadow of a second line that I didn't have to stare at cross eyed to see. It was a few minutes before I felt sure of that second little line and I went into the bedroom and shook Mike awake. He stirred and I asked if he was awake and as soon as I got a grunt of confirmation I blurted out, "There's two lines." He said, "I was dreaming about you peeing on a stick...." Then he hugged me and I started to ugly cry. Then we ran into the bathroom to stare at the test. Mike immediately said, "I see it!" Then we stared some more and Mike said, "We're staring....at your pee." Yes, yes we were. It was so funny that I had to commemorate it with a picture.

Quidditch is clearly oblivious to the epic event taking place in front of his very eyes.

Mike jokingly said, "There's two lines so that means there's two of them in there right?" to which I responded "Yeah and they're both pink so that means they're girls." I congratulated him and said, "Good job Mike. I'm KTFU" and he immediately said, "Hey now, no need to cuss in front of the little ears." Mike had to leave for work shortly after the Great HPT Staring Event of 2011 but he left the house in all smiles.  I took a second test and I thought for sure nothing would show up because it wasn't FMU but it turned up positive too! They lines are very light but they're there. Holy crap, I'm pregnant.  It's been almost seven hours since I took my first test and I'm still wearing my pajamas and laying in bed. I'm terrified to move...except to run back into the bathroom to make sure the lines are still there.  I had planned to clean the house today but now I'm scared to vacuum. I have no idea what to do with myself. Beta is scheduled for Friday and the clinic says that unless I start spotting then I should stick with that plan. How will I ever make it to Friday? AND I'm out of pregnancy tests. I think a trip to Tar.get is necessary--#1 To buy more HPTs. #2 To go to Starbucks and REALLY have a reason to order a decaf White Chocolate Mocha and #3 If I don't get out of this house then I will go crazy for sure.

I am rejoicing but I am also so, so scared.  If I've learned one thing in my years on infertility boards it's that life is precious. I am trying very hard not to think of all the "what ifs" and to celebrate the moment.  Right now, I'm pregnant and I love Bunsen and Beaker. Estimated due date is 22 August 2012, three days after Mike's birthday--how special is that?  Both of us are in absolute shock and we've decided to tell our families. They've all been so supportive of us in this journey and no matter what happens tomorrow, two weeks or two months from now, today I am pregnant and we want to celebrate this miracle with our families. We may not get another opportunity to do so and we want to soak up every bit of this excitement. If you are a friend reading this, please, please do not post anything on Facebook or anywhere else. We are not telling anyone IRL except family for right now. Consider yourself one of the privileged. :)

I've already talked to my mom and one of my sisters and I plan to email my brothers later. I was debating on whether or not to tell my brother our news since they won't find out anything until their beta on Sunday. (For my new readers: my SIL have been days apart in our IVF cycles. My brother was dx with azospermia in August and the timing just worked out for us to have overlapping cycles. SIL has two kids from a previous marriage but they have none together.) I'm so afraid of them getting bad news and the incredible guilt that will come along with our success and their failure.  However, my mom told me something that almost made me turn into a puddle of emotions: She said, "Your brother told me that he really hoped it worked for you because he knew that if you didn't get pregnant you'd be devastated. He said that if this doesn't work for them then it's not the end of their world but he knows you'd be crushed." Cue tears.  I really, really hope my brother gets good news and that my sister-in-law and I have babies together. It would be amazing.

I want to thank each and every person who has helped me, supported me and encouraged me on this journey. I had my doubts as to whether this day would ever come.  You never know how comforting the words of an internet stranger can be until you go on a journey like this. A huge thank you also goes out to the ladies who donated meds to me when mine were held hostage in Customs.  This literally would not be happening right now if it weren't for you and I will forever be grateful. I am still thinking of each and every one of my dear friends who is still waiting on their miracles. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that your time comes soon too. ((HUGS))

So, without further adeiu....proof that I am indeed KTFU. This is a St. Nicholas Day to remember! Believe in Christmas miracles, I know I do.

P.S. After telling Mike, the second best part of my day was getting to tell my six year old niece, the Amazing Annabelle, that her good luck card brought me lots of luck and that she was going to have a new baby cousin. Her response? "Aww. You have a BABY?!?!? Now I can tell my friends....." <3

Just Call Me Eeyore

Today is 5dp5dt. I hope that cramping is a good sign because I am having an incessant amount of AF-type cramps, back pain included. My breasts are still very tender and I'm still feeling very fatigued and lazy.  Unfortunately, all of these symptoms are probably from the progesterone I am injecting in my bottom every night. There's no way to tell if they're due to pregnancy. Last night's PIO injection was on my left side and amazingly it didn't feel like "Something jumped up and bit me!"  I hope the shots on left side continue to improve. Luckily I haven't needed the heating pad as much lately, which has been great! 
What's not so great are my emotions.  The past two days I have felt a little like Eeyore with a rain cloud hanging over my head. I don't know if it's the hormones getting the best of me or what but I'm just so damn scared this cycle is a failure. My body has failed me for the past 36 months, why should this month be any different? This feeling is exactly what I was worried about when I first started this IVF. I have no idea how to make it better.

Temporary fix: greasy pizza. All I had to do was tell Mike, "Beaker and Bunsen are hungry."  (B/t/w...that's what we've been calling our embies for the last few days. We thought it was fitting considering their start at life) and he said, "What do I need to pick up?"  Love.that.man.

Thanks to Jen from When Life Hands You Lemons for giving me this award! I'm a new follow of her blog and I look forward to following her IVF journey as well!

Certain rules apply when receiving this award:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award!

2. List 7 things people may not know about you.

3. Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and notify them as well. (The hard part is trying to pick other bloggers who have not been chosen already. If you have received the award from someone else, just ignore my nomination! However, you can secretly be honored!)

So, without further adieu...7 things about me you may not know!

1. I am the baby of 5.  There are now 21 people in my immediate family and I've always dreamed of having a big family of my own! 

2. I met my husband on the way to my first college class. I had seen him around the gym (I played volleyball and he played football) and thought he was cute. I made the first move by asking him for directions and we ended up having the same class. :) 

3.  I was Alice in my third grade play, "The Trial of Alice in Wonderland." I had a singing solo. You know, "I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it......"  Yeah, I failed miserably. 

4. I have never been a big meat eater but I officially went meat-free after reading Skinny Bitch. I tried to go vegan but I love dairy too damn much, though I do make substitutions in my diet when I can.

5. I LOVE The Cure. Favorite.band.ever.

6. I was barely 20 years old when I married Mike. My parents were less than thrilled because all of my other siblings were older and out of college by the time they married; they were worried I wouldn't finish my degree. I got my B.S. in 2007, only one semester behind schedule. 

7. I have two dogs and two cats, all rescues. Zero and Bailey are my pups and Figaro and Quidditch are my kitties. I do not know what I'd do without them.

And now, the 15 people I would like to pass this award on to:

1. Diana at Bun(less) in the Oven, who is no longer Bunless!

2. Julia at TTC Baby E

3. Allie at Project Open Hearts

4. Lauren at Not Just an Army Wife
5. Sailor's Sweetheart at Living Out of a Suitcase

6.Christa at Fearlessly Infertile

7. Lisa at Hapa Hopes

8. Joys Truly at Gonna Do It For Baby

9. The Annoyed Army Wife

10. Megan at Infertile Myrtle

11. Casey at This Modern Love
12. Cass at One Day: I'll Have My Baby Bump

13. Christine at Love, Marriage and a Baby Carriage?

14. Mrs. S at Him + Me = Three?
15. Liz at Compromised Fertility

My Humps

Okay, you know that Black.Eyed.Peas song where she's talking about her lovely lady lumps? Well, I'm pretty sure those lumps have been transported....to my ass.  Seriously--the PIO is kicking my butt, quite literally.  The right side isn't too bad--I hardly feel a thing during the injection, but my left side is terrible painful, causing me to jump and tense up which only makes the entire injection all the worse.   The stupid injection two nights ago made me cry, which left me feeling miserably pathetic and DH feeling like the biggest a-hole in the world.  After each shot, DH is massaging the area for 5 minutes and I spend the rest of the evening with my best friend, the heating pad. I don't know what else to do to make shots on the left side more bearable. Is there anyone out there who can offer some suggestions or is this something I'm just going to have to deal with, like everything else IVF related?

Eye on the prize, eye on the prize.

A Tale of E-pee-ic Proportions

Last night was my embryo transfer. Mike arrived home from work and we left for the clinic just in time to fight with rush hour traffic.  I knew I had to go in with a full bladder but I had been warned by a friend not to let it get so full that it was uncomfortable, so I used the loo right before we left since I have the bladder of an 80 year old man.  After about 30 minutes of sitting in traffic, I knew I was in trouble--I had to effing pee. We couldn't stop anywhere because we were already at the risk of being late but I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it until after my embryo transfer. So, I did the only irrational rational thing that a crazy, hormonal lady would do: I peed in a bottle in the back seat of my car. Yes, you read that right. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

As I climbed over the seat, Mike handed me an empty Gatorade bottle and wished me luck. I said, "It's okay, I've done this before."  Apparently after 7.5 years of marriage there are still things that Mike doesn't know about me. Ha! Luckily it was already dark so no one had any idea why I was squatting in the floor board of my back seat. Besides, this is the West Coast so I'm sure people have seen faaaaar crazier shit than this. I had a comforter in the back that we use to cover the seat when we have the dogs with us so I put that under me, in case of any drippage and there was drippage.  Grossed out yet?  Mike handed me my purse so I could dig out my hand sanitizer and I left the pee blanket and bottle in the back for him to deal with later, since I was going to be on bed rest. Aren't I a nice wife?

I wish the pee story ended there but it doesn't.  Remember the whole 80 year old man bladder? Yeah. By the time we arrived at the clinic 30 minutes later, I had to pee again. We could hear the nurses moving around in the back but no one was at the front desk to help us. I was thinking, "Dear God in Heaven, do they want me to piss myself?!"  About five hours later (Okay, it was only about five minutes but it felt like five hours!) the nurse came out, checked us in and informed us that the sonographer was running late. I groaned and Mike could see the pleading, pathetic look on my face so he asked the nurse if I had time to use the restroom before my appointment. The middle-aged nurse immediately went from sweet and gentle to torturess extraordinaire--she wouldn't let me pee. I'm sure the other couple in the waiting room were having a good laugh over the 27 year old woman doing the potty dance.

Now, here comes an admission that I'm not all that proud of (and you thought it couldn't get worse than the Gatorade bottle, right?)  I waited until the nurse went to the back.....and I snuck to the bathroom. There, I admit it.  In my defense, the sonographer was still MIA and I only went a little bit. Ah, it was blissful. About five minutes later, the sonographer finally arrived and I was almost immediately called back to the ultrasound room to have my bladder checked. My palms got sweaty and I felt like a kid going to the principal's office. "Oh shit, she's going to know that I just peed. Shit, shit, shit!" So I laid back on the table, she squirted me with warm goo and I prepared myself to be scolded.  My 80 year old man bladder was too full. Ha! So I waddled across the hall, clinging to the pink paper sheet around my waist and was instructed to empty my bladder 1 1/4 cups. Do you know how hard it is to pee without emptying your entire bladder? For serious.

After I was done I waddled back into the room, was squirted with more warm goo and the sonographer told me that I needed to empty by another 1/4 cup. Are you kidding me? As if the first time wasn't hard enough now I had to pee and almost immediately stop again.  Are these sonographers trained in the art of torture or what? I did as commanded though and before I could say I-hate-you, it was time to do my transfer! 

Who knew that it would take four people, working in simultaneous harmony, to knock me up?  The sonographer, the RE, the embryologist and the nurse were all in my business last night--I think it was a new record for me. The most uncomfortable part of the procedure was when my doctor shifted the speculum to straighten out my cervix--I was so worried about peeing on him! I couldn't see the ultrasound screen during the procedure but Mike was watching the entire time while holding my hand and rubbing my head.  He said that our embies looked like two shooting stars as they whizzed into my uterus and disappeared. My biology dork was in awe.

Resting for 30 minutes after the ET

We transferred two beautiful "premium quality" (Dr.'s words, not mine) expanding blastocysts. A little googling told me that an expanding blastocyst is the "best" embryo quality you can have, so I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Hopefully they're snuggling in and already beginning to hatch. Unfortunately, none made it to freeze so these two are our little champions.  Dr. gave me strict instructions to take it extremely easy for the next 72 hours--no lifting anything over five pounds (sorry kitties!) no orgasms (sorry husband!) and no strenuous activity.  He assured me that I wasn't going to "shake the babies out" and that there wasn't much science to back up his mandated rest period, but that he feels it's in the best interest f the embryos.  Apparently opening doors is strenuous because Mike was told that he even has to do that for me. You should have seen him carrying my purse last night--ha.  The paper that was sent home with us had instructions for me to travel home laying (lying?) down in the back seat but with the Gatorade bottle and pee blanket back there, that wasn't going to happen. I rode home in the passenger seat instead which was fine with me since it has butt warmers. We grabbed dinner at Panera (it's tradition now!) and I was able to eat real food for the first time in two days. I hope and pray that PIO and I are becoming friends now, although last night's shot was borderline unforgivable and I still had to take the maximum allowed dosage of Tums yesterday.

My doctor just celebrated his 25th anniversary of practicing IVF so he is kind of old school. Unfortunately I did not get a picture of my baby blasts because they don't like to "expose" the embryos for the purpose of picture-taking. So, we'll pretend that these little blasts below are Thing 1 and Thing 2, they all look the same at this stage anyway, right? I'm PUPO! Beta is next Friday.