Insanity.

 A wise man once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  By this definition alone, I am an insane woman.  Yesterday was CD12 and like clockwork, the OPK turned positive.  We've been doing this baby-making thing for 31 months now and yet each month, we expect a different result. Insanity.


This blog is my safe haven and let's face it, it hasn't been too full of happy posts lately. I've been pretty miserable. I feel like I've been in a downward spiral these last few months and these last few weeks have been the bottom of the barrel. I don't know how to fix it.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about our infertility other than what I'm already doing and it's hell. Pure hell.  I am tired of feeling like Jacob Marley, wrapped tightly in the chains that infertility has burdened me with.  As my disclaimer says, this is my outlet for my frustration, anger, fear, dreams, hopes....everything.  I do not apologize for anything I write here. This is my blog and I'm tired of feeling like I need to explain or defend myself what I write here.

Lately I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty for the way I've been feeling.  Did you get that?  I feel guilty for all the bitterness, resentment and anger that has been pouring out of my heart lately.  I feel guilty for being jealous of pregnant women. I can't stand people who complain about needing a break from their kids. Posts whining about the baby being up all night drive me into a fit of rage. Parents talking about how expensive school supplies are piss me the hell off. Don't these people realize how lucky they are?! Don't even get me started on the people who borrow my problems and talk about how worried they are they'll have issues getting pregnant.  I've come to the realization that my feelings are valid and that I should not feel guilty for the way I do. Infertility is hard. I'm in a dark and twisty place.  I can't fix our infertility but I can attempt to change the things I can control.  

So, I started with the mine field otherwise known as Facebook. An infertile's nightmare.   I am no longer going to allow myself to feel guilty when I click the "Hide" button or delete people from my friends list.  Obviously these people are doing something to upset me and I don't need anything else weighing on me right now. I'm also going to try really hard to practice self-control and stay off of other business pages.  Seeing people steal my designs and copy my ideas only upsets me. I don't need this negativity.  Secondly, I've told a few people that I need space. I just can't be a good friend right now and it's easier for me to step away than to put on a happy face and pretend to be supportive. Thirdly, I have stopped following a few blogs for various reasons.  I hate that it's so easy for me to get upset these days and some of these blogs have frustrated me for months. So...bye bye!  Lastly, I am going to try my damndest to focus on what I do have rather than what I do not have.

This is going to be the hardest one. Maybe I'll write some reminders on post-its and stick them on my mirror. You have a wonderful husband. You have a successful business. You are blessed with four wonderful fur-kids who make you smile and laugh daily. In the world of infertility it is so easy to forget these things and focus solely on the negative. I need to do better. I am going to need a positive attitude to get through this month and my surgery. I think from now on, I will try to end every blog post with something I am thankful for or something positive that happened during my day. So..today I am going to be thankful that I'm not pregnant because today was International Beer Day. One good thing about not being pregnant is that I can drink beer. So...cheers and Happy International Beer Day!