When you're going through infertility treatments you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and it's the same in pregnancy after infertility. I'm constantly having nightmares that we will never hold this baby in our arms. It's terrifying. Anyone who read any of my posts pre-pregnancy should know how incredibly grateful we are for the little one growing inside my belly and since this is my blog I do not feel it's necessary to preface everything with "I am so incredibly grateful..." This is an infertility turned pregnancy blog so it should be obvious. I've been bottling every thing up these past several weeks so I'm going to write down some thoughts as they come to me.
Confession: I have felt guilty since the day of my BFP but I'm starting to come out of that. I have to. I am not going to spend my entire pregnancy feeling guilty. I want to rejoice and celebrate but I've been gripped by fear. Mike's getting annoyed with me because he says I'm not excited enough. I know I need to snap out of it. I want to remember everything about this time since I may not ever be pregnant again. Blogging will help me record those memories but I've felt apprehensive about it for fear of hurting those who are still struggling. I recently realized that when I was still waiting for my BFP I 'unfollowed' many blogs once the writers got their BFP--it was sheer self preservation. As much as I don't want to lose readers, I know that I may be unfollowed too and that's okay. I totally understand. However, I deserve to be happy. I deserve a place to record my memories, whether they be good or bad, without fear of judgement. I put in my time. It's my turn now.......isn't it?
Confession: (This is one of those times where I'm not going to preface this with 'I'm so grateful but...') Nothing in the world could have prepared me for how pregnancy would make me feel. The sudden changes have been so drastic and surprising. I'm tired and have no desire to eat anything. The nausea has been better this week but I still have trash cans by the couch and bed. The dry heaving hits me randomly and all day long. Smelling turns to gagging which turns to dry heaving. I suppose it's baby's way of letting me know he/she is still in there. I think about food all the time but can't actually bring myself to eat much. The other day I saw a political ad equating voting *insert your chosen party here* with eating a muffin full of glass. All I could say was, "Mmmm.....muffin." I immediately wanted a giant Banana Nut muffin. You know, one of those big (fattening!) ones from Costco. Yum.
Confession: I'm constantly having nightmares that we won't see a heart beat at our next ultrasound. Or nightmares where my baby is taken from me and I'm not able to nurse them.
Confession: My progesterone went down last week and I'm worried about what that means.
Confession: I am planning a natural birth. The pain absolutely scares the crap out of me but I believe it's what's best for me and my baby. Obviously I will use medical intervention if necessary for our health and safety but I'm hoping to have a natural delivery. My intake appointment with the midwife clinic is next week! I'm still under the care of my RE until 12 weeks but we'll start seeing the midwife practice after that. Oh and just to clear something up--I've had several people question my decision to go the midwife route. They assumed that I am high risk because of what it took to get me pregnant. Using IVF to achieve pregnancy does not mean that I am automatically high risk. I'm young, in good health and pregnant with a singleton. I'm a perfect candidate for using a midwife.
Confession: I haven't been able to start any serious baby shopping (the fear!) but I did start my cloth diaper stash. I've gotten some great deals on clearance at cottonbabies. Luckily I haven't received any judgement for CDing yet. I love getting fluffy mail!
Confession: I became an aunt when I was 14 years old. The first time I saw my sister breastfeeding my niece I thought it was the most disgusting thing ever--I was 14. I grew out of that (obviously) and now I can't wait to breast feed. I read The.Womanly.Art.of.Breastfeeding. and oh em gee. It empowered me. I know now that the girls, small as they may be (but increasing in size every day) will be fully capable of giving my baby everything he or she needs. I can not wait for that special bond with my baby.
Confession: We are going to find out the gender of the baby but we are keeping our name choices to ourselves. We don't want anyone's opinions or judgement on our name choices. Our plan is to have a few names picked out but not to name the baby until we actually meet him or her.
Today I am already 22% done with my pregnancy. How is that even possible?! I can't wait until tomorrow to see our baby again. Until then....
Don't feel guilty about the BFP. There's no reason you can't let it all out and have your infertility blog turn into a pregnancy blog, I think that's what most of us wish to do. I myself have decided I have to stay with the infertility community even though I'm pregnant for just a little bit longer...well, until I pop the kid out. With the last pregnancy that ended in disaster I turned to my blog and received the kind of support that I could never imagine finding IRL and even though I'm pregnant again, this group of women are the ONLY group who understand how freaked I am about being pregnant so soon after a miscarriage. Talk about whatever you want, pregnancy, fears, it's your blog, people will decide to stay or unfollow regardless, so make the blog what you need it to be.
ReplyDeleteI am also having a natural birth (god willing I actually get to give birth this time) with midwives, but at home. People are funny, of course IVF doesn't mean high risk! I love midwives. Good luck!
I honestly hope that anyone who is still waiting on a BFP can be happy for you. I am so happy that woman who were in my same situation went on to get pregnant, it gives me hope. I also know that someone who has suffered through infertility should rejoice that they are pregnant. Dont worry about offending people and wasting your time feeling guilty. We should all be happy when when of our own crosses over. I will continue following your journey and I hope you have a great pregnancy, hopefully getting rid of your nausea soon.
ReplyDeleteI struggled with some of those feelings too... Then I told myself that I needed to get over it. I spent YEARS in the trenches, there is no reason I shouldn't blog about this journey too. I lost some readers when I started talking about my pregnancy, but then I gained new ones- its a give and take. We have another u/s tomorrow too- I can't wait to hear how yours goes!
ReplyDeleteDitto what Toni said. You earned this. You talk about whatever you want and those who can take it will follow. I love hearing success stories and I hope someday soon to be in your shoes! You give me hope!
ReplyDeleteThis moment is yours. Finally! Embrace it all. Do not feel guilty. You preggos after IF give all of us still waiting hope every day. I like reading everyone's blogs and seeing everyone's progress.
ReplyDeleteSo weird to think 22% is over already. I hope the nausea subsides soon.
I really can relate to just about everything you posted (except how you conceived, obviously) but to reply specifically to your first confession... YES. You put in your time... it is YOUR turn to be super happy and giddy about being pregnant. It is YOUR turn to have bump pictures and to be nauseous all the time. It is YOUR turn to have pregnancy horror stories. You get to have your turn to be all happy about this now my friend. Stop apologizing for being pregnant!! Congratulations on being pregnant!! It's super freaking exciting and you waited LONG enough!
DeleteI understand where you're coming from because I sometimes feel that way too. I think feeling guilty is all part of the process, but that said, it doesn't mean that it's right. You certainly paid your dues and you deserve to be happy--truthfully, every pregnant woman, no matter how she got her BFP, deserves to be happy. I think all that anyone can ask is that you remain sensitive to others who are still waiting. Other than that, remember that this is a time to celebrate =) Congrats on being 22% there!
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who got to know you during IF, and still suffers the wrath of IF, I am sooooo incredibly happy for you. Please do not apologize, while I appreciate the sentiment, it is so not what I (or anyone else) would want. Appreciate what you have, love what you have, and please continue to blog about it, as that is what I would want :)
ReplyDelete