7 Weeks.

Drum roll please.......

One beautiful baby.
I think "she" looks just like me, don't you?

It was amazing. I just stared at the screen and smiled. The "whoosh whoosh" sound of our baby's heartbeat was the sweetest sound ever. Mike was all smiles, it was super cute.  I joked and said that the baby resembles The Great Gonzo--it looks just like his nose toward the top! Haha. I'm measuring 6w6d, so a day behind, and the heart rate was 140bpm. It was bittersweet to find out that only one of our embryos made it--I was honestly surprised and now I feel SUPER fluffy knowing there's only one in there.  I immediately started thinking of all the positive things of a singleton pregnancy to keep my mind off the fact that only one stuck-I'll be more likely to be able to use a midwife and have a natural delivery, breastfeeding one baby will be much easier than two, baby wearing will be much more doable, only one set of diapers to change and most importantly when Mike is in the field, at school or deployed I will only have one baby to care for by myself. I keep referring to the baby as a she, partly to drive Mike nuts and partly because it's always been my dream to have a house full of girls (Like in Little Women!). Obviously I will love the baby no matter when gender he or she is but I am hoping for a girl. We will have another ultrasound at 9 weeks and I expect I'll be graduating from my RE shortly after. It finally feels real and I finally feel like I can get excited. A huge weight has been lifted off my chest though I know I will still find something to worry about in the next 8 months....

Shopping for pants that actually fit!

How big is baby? The size of a blueberry!
Symptoms: Lots and lots of gas. Nausea hits me in waves and I'm still super tired.
Total weight gain/loss: I'm not sure--our scale is acting weird.
Maternity clothes? Yes, I broke down and bought some maternity pants and a few shirts today. I know it's early but I'm fairly certain that most pregnant women do not start out this bloated. (Thanks IVF meds!)
Sleep: This week has actually been pretty good for the most part but I've needed a nap almost every day.
Best moment this week: Hearing the sweet little "whoosh whoosh" of the heartbeat at our first ultrasound and seeing our baby for the first time.
Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings: I woke up craving queso the other day so I had some at 10:30 in the morning. I could barely eat any of it before it didn't taste good anymore. Oh and Mike brought me some more greasy Costco pizza.
Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
What I miss:  Being able to eat whenever I want. Most of the time nothing sounds good but when I do feel like eating, food tastes so.damn.good.
What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound on 1/13 at 9 weeks.
Next Appointment: Next Friday for another blood draw to check my progesterone and estradiol.
Weekly Wisdom:  Drink lots and lots of water. Don't skip a day of drinking enough water or there may be dire consequences. 
Milestones: Seeing and hearing a heartbeat, learning that this is a viable pregnancy.

2011 in Review

I can finally say, "Tomorrow is the day!"  Our first ultrasound is at 0830 tomorrow and I am so nervous/excited. I am excited to find out how many we have in there but more than that I am excited to find out that we have a healthy baby growing in there and to hopefully hear/see the heartbeat. 

I haven't been feeling many symptoms but one that is persistent is definitely the exhaustion.  I had doubts as to whether Christmas dinner was even going to be made because SIL and I spent the afternoon snoozing on the couch. I didn't even get dressed this year--Okay, I did get dressed but just in clean pajamas.  I have been so flipping tired and last night I even broke the Cardinal Rule of, "Thou shalt not fall asleep during a Harry Potter Marathon!" ::gasp:: I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore so I took a little nap and then we finished the movie later.

It's hard to believe 2011 is coming to a close. SO much has happened this year and it's just totally flown by so I thought I'd take a few minutes to reflect on the ups and downs of this past year.

1. What did you do in 2011 you never did before?

Went to England!!!!
IUI/Surgery/IVF
Watched the entire World Series from start to finish (Go Cards!)
Cut down a Christmas tree
Went to a professional soccer match

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year I made the promise to myself that I was going to try to get rid of negativity in my life. I succeeded somewhat by eliminating a few things (and people) from my life.

For 2012:

To take excellent care of myself so that I can have a healthy pregnancy and L&D

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my sister had my beautiful niece, Charlotte, in October!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. We recently lost four pilots in a training accident but they weren't close to me.

5. What countries did you visit?

England

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A successful pregnancy, more patience (hello annoying customers!) and the ability to just slow down and take it easy without feeling guilty.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

May 25--the day we left for the UK
August 27--the day of my laparoscopy
November 25--the day of my egg retreival

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally getting pregnant. Hands down.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Hmm, I'm not sure that I really failed at anything this year other than our four IUIs.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Infertility but other than that I've been very healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to the UK, my Kindle, my embroidery machine and a round of IVF

12. Where did most of your money go?

Fertility treatments and a trip to England

13. What did you get really excited about?

Our trip to the UK, the birth of Charlotte and finding out that I was finally pregnant.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2011?Party Rock Anthem-- LMFAO. Hands down.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or Sadder: Happier

Thinner or Fatter: Fatter.  My weight has been fluctuating this year because of all the damn drugs I've been on.

Richer or poorer: Probably a little poorer just because of all the infertility treatments we've done. 

16. What do you wish you'd done more of:

Exercise, hiking, walks with the dogs, just get out of the house more.

17. What do you wish you had done less of:

Stressing, crying

18. How did you spend Christmas?

My brother and SIL drove down from Seattle and spent a few days with us. It was fun!

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Parenthood

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Hunger Games Trilogy

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

LMFAO and Adele

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and The Muppets

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

Gosh, how sad is it that I can't even remember what I did on my birthday this year? I was 27 though.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being debt free and not having to go through all the infertility struggles we went through.

25. What kept you sane?

Mike, my fur-kids and the support and love of my family.

26. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

That it is possible to see the light again, no matter how dark and twisty of place you're in. Things do get better and dreams are worth fighting for. Happy New Year's, dear readers!

6 Weeks...a Day Late

This week has been crazy. The Memorial Service for our fallen aviators was on Monday and man that was tough. The hardest part of the entire service (for me) was to hear Mr. Sig.frid's friend recall how happy he was to show the ultrasound photo to everyone at work. Mr. Sig.frid and his wife are expecting their first baby thanks to the miracle of IVF. She's a few months pregnant and now she has to go through everything without her husband. It just really hit very close to home for me and was hard to get through. I just imagine the pain the families are feeling right now, but especially Mrs. Sig.frid. So sad. =( It was a very nice service though--standing room only, bag pipes, 21 gun salute and taps. I hope that it helped begin the healing process for all of those affected.

This week has also been a symptom week from hell.  If the non-pregnant Megan could see the pregnant Megan, I'm pretty sure she'd slap her for complaining already. On Tuesday I could barely move because I had constipation and horrendous gas pains (I blame the veggie burger from BK that I had Monday after the memorial service.)  I couldn't stand upright, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even touch my stomach because it was so sore and full of gas that just wouldn't come out. It.was.horrible. and I was so, so scared that something was wrong. I even went as far as looking into signs of ectopic.pregnancies because I was in so much pain. By Wednesday it had let up somewhat, which was good since we had to drive to the clinic to get my third Beta.  I was praying for high numbers and that's what I got. I didn't get the exact number because the doctor distracted me by saying, "It might be twins!"  Now obviously I know that there's not way to estimate how many are in there based on blood tests but I'm feeling optimistic.

Symptoms:  Gas. Constipation. Fatigue. Oh and I threw up brushing my teeth on Thursday. Fun.
Total weight gain/loss: +2 pounds since the beginning of my IVF.
Maternity clothes? Still just the BeBand from Tar.get.
Sleep:  This week was rough because of all the uncomfortable gas pains, but it's getting better.
Best moment this week: Opening boxes from various relatives with presents inside for "Baby H....."
Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings:  I craved pizza on Thursday again. When it got here I could only eat a piece. I think the baby(ies) forgot how much they like pizza. Nothing really sounds or tastes good right now.
Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
What I miss:  Sleeping a solid 8 hours.
What I am looking forward to: Seeing our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) at our first ultrasound on 12/30.
Next Appointment: See above.
Weekly Wisdom:  Drink lots and lots of water. Don't skip a day of drinking enough water or there may be dire consequences. 
Milestones: Getting great betas.



I hope all of you have a wonderful and blessed Christmas. I know there are many out there who have recently suffered losses or who are still struggling with infertility. My heart goes out to all of you. I remember crying myself to sleep last Christmas because of the emptiness I felt in my heart. ((HUGS)) to all of you. I'm also thinking of all my fellow military spouses who are without their loved ones this Christmas.  I've been in your shoes a few times and I know how much you (and your spouse!) are sacrificing this year so that we can all celebrate Christmas in the warmth and comfort of our homes. Thank you so much. I hope next Christmas brings you lots of memories and togetherness! Merry Christmas, everyone!

5 Weeks.

5 Weeks

Symptoms:  Mostly fatigue--I'm tired all the time.  I'm still crampy every now and then but not nearly as much as last week. My breasts also feel really heavy and tender. Oh and hunger. It seems like I'm hungry all.the.time. People keep saying "I think there's multiples in there!" which is making me feel huge. Not quite sure how I'm supposed to take comments like that...
Total weight gain/loss: +4 pounds since the beginning of my IVF.
Maternity clothes? Still just the BeBand from Tar.get.
Sleep:  I'm finally sleeping more soundly, only getting up 3 or 4 times a night to pee. Thankfully I'm able to go to sleep right after now! Maybe the insomnia is going away?

Best moment this week: Mike seeing my t-shirt a little more stretched than usual last night and me catching him smiling at my belly. Oh and finding out that SIL's IVF worked too and she's due two days after me. Partners in crime! Lastly, (because apparently I can't choose just one best moment!) my doctor just called with Beta #2 results. "Normal" doubling time would have put me around 2000.  Mine was 4009. =)
Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings:  Nothing specific. Everything tastes so.damn.good.
Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
What I miss:  Having energy to do stuff.
What I am looking forward to: Seeing our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) at our first ultrasound on 12/30.
Next Appointment: Next Wednesday for Beta #3
Weekly Wisdom:  There is no preparing for how tired pregnancy will make you.
Milestones: I'm still riding the "Holy crap, I'm pregnant!" high.

"I think there's something there that wasn't there before...."

This week has been a rough week. On Wednesday the identities of the four pilots were announced and Mike's spent the past two days out at the crash site. The Memorial Service is scheduled for Monday at 1400. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through it but I know I need to be there to show my respects as well as to support my husband. Keep sending some good thoughts in the direction of the Pacific Northwest, I know they'd be much appreciated by everyone affected by this tragedy.

I have been thinking a lot about this blog and the direction it is going to take from here on out since This Space is no longer For Rent.   I've been blogging about infertility for so long that I'm almost at a loss as to what to write about now. I highly doubt that you all want to read about every.single.day. of my pregnancy and I know that I've probably lost a few followers due to my pregnancy and that's okay because I totally understand the need for self-preservation. I'm still at the awkward stage where I'm not sure where I belong:  I want to jump for joy, start buying baby things and leave all the infertility woes behind me. But I'm scared. I had a horrible dream about the "m" word last night and woke up completely freaked out. Then there's all the guilt that goes along with beating infertility. Don't get me wrong, I know that I still have a very long way to go before I win the war but just getting a positive pregnancy test is winning part of the battle and I know there are many women who have not made it to this point yet. Women who are still hurting. If you're one of those women I want you to know that I'm still thinking of you. I haven't forgotten your pain and I hate that you're still going through this. I wrote this post in August and I am still trying really hard not to be "that girl."

Hug Your Loved Ones Tonight.

I am proud to be an Army wife.  Most of the time I love the lifestyle, I love the experiences military life affords us, I love the camaraderie and I love the traditions. The military lifestyle is not for everyone because, well it's hard. It takes a lot of hard work to keep a marriage together when you spend months apart, but somehow that time apart makes you appreciate and love your spouse all the more.  It reminds you to not take things for granted. I've grown to love the Army life, there are definitely more ups than downs, but those down times are heart wrenching and incredibly difficult.  Today is one of those times.

I've been exhausted and going to bed pretty early but I heard Mike's cell phone start ringing off the hook at about 10 last night. Before I knew it he was coming upstairs to don his ACUs and head back to the hangar-- there was a possibility that two aircraft went down. "Precautionary landing?" I asked Mike. He didn't know. We've had incidents like this before, where a pilot over torques something or other in the engine and has to make a precautionary landing and everything ended up find, with the exception of the aircraft. I wish that was the case this time.

Sometime around 2100 last night two Kiowa helicopters collided in mid-air and all four pilots were killed. You just never expect these things to happen during routine flights. Before Mike could even walk out of the house he was getting phone calls from soldiers saying that the crash was on the local news.  Ridiculous! That means it was on the news before the families were even notified. Could you imagine watching the 10 o'clock news before bed and seeing that on the screen, knowing your spouse was on night maneuvers?  It makes me sick to think about. Those poor, poor families.Each death of a soldier is a tragedy but there's something especially unsettling about a deaths that happen in garrison. I know they don't report the "specifics" but seriously....there's only one Kiowa unit here at JBLM and there are normally only a small amount of aircraft out at a time. It's not hard for families to put two and two together. Such a tragedy for all involved, especially right before Christmas.

Mike got home around 1 in the morning and looked totally deflated. I had to do my best to keep calm because I started cramping as soon as I started to cry. I know this is going to stir up lots of old memories from when we lost four pilots in January 2009 during the last deployment to Iraq.  Mike was in QC (Quality Control) at that time too so he had to assist in the investigation of the crash. It was then that he shut down on me for about four months. I guess picking up pieces of your friends from pieces of aircraft will do that to you though.  I can't begin to imagine what he's feeling right now. Ft. Rucker is sending in a team to lead the investigation so I'm hoping he won't be so intimately involved in this investigation, not a luxury one is afforded when deployed.  He keeps saying he's okay but I know better. I know he is putting on a strong front for all the young troopers at the hangar. I just found out that one of the pilots was also an IVFer and they very recently found out they're expecting. Way.too.close.to.home. Another was a newlywed and one had just adopted a special needs child. It's going to be a long week.

So please, dear readers, say a prayer for the families of the pilots and all the soldiers and friends who are mourning this great loss and hug your loved ones a little closer tonight. Rest in peace, aviators.


"The story of Fiddler's Green was published in 1923, in Cavalry Journal.^[6] According to this article, it was inspired by a story told by Captain "Sammy" Pearson at a campfire in the Medicine Bow Mountains of Wyoming. It is still used by modern cavalry units to memorialize the deceased." (Wikipedia)

The Cavalrymen's Poem: Fiddler's Green
Halfway down the trail to Hell,
In a shady meadow green
Are the Souls of all dead troopers camped,
Near a good old-time canteen.
And this eternal resting place
Is known as Fiddlers' Green.
Marching past, straight through to Hell
The Infantry are seen.
Accompanied by the Engineers,
Artillery and Marines,
For none but the shades of Cavalrymen
Dismount at Fiddlers' Green.
Though some go curving down the trail
To seek a warmer scene.
No trooper ever gets to Hell
Ere he's emptied his canteen.
And so rides back to drink again
With friends at Fiddlers' Green.
And so when man and horse go down
Beneath a saber keen,
Or in a roaring charge of fierce melee
You stop a bullet clean,
And the hostiles come to get your scalp,
Just empty your canteen,
And put your pistol to your head
And go to Fiddlers' Green.

4 Weeks.

 

Beta #1........... 153! I am "officially" pregnant. My doctor kept using the word "exceptional."  "You're exceptionally pregnant." "Your numbers are exceptional."  Holy shit, I'm pregnant! (As if there was any denying the 7 pregnancy tests I've taken?) He is so confident in my levels that he doesn't want me to come back in until next Friday for another test. How will I ever make it another week without being tempted to POAS? Today was amazing. After the blood draw we stopped at (where else?) Pane.ra because I had a dream about a french toast bagel last night. It was strange, like a Homer Simpson donuts-flying-through-the-air type dream. Weird.

After we grabbed some breakfast we headed over to BRU in search of baby books. As we were pulling into the parking lot I was telling Mike about how the heart(s) will start to beat as early as next week and I said, "Isn't that amazing?" Mike responded with, "No, you know what's amazing? The fact that we're about to go into BRU for us and not someone else. I never  thought that would happen." I cried. He laughed at me and I showed him this picture --->

As we walked into BRU I just had to take this picture because like Mike said, it was a really big deal we were about to walk in there to buy something for ourselves!


I know it's really early but I bought a pregnancy journal and already started filling it out. I have been waiting almost four years for this and I want to remember everything that we're going through right now. I had to laugh at some of the questions at the beginning though, "Was this pregnancy planned or a surprise?"  "When did you first start thinking about having a baby?" "Did you get pregnant right away or did it seem to take awhile?" I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh.

Mike's been wanting to rub my non-existent belly a lot and talk to Bunsen and Beaker. It's going to take me a long time to get used to this. He said something like, "What? I want to rub it. You have my child growing inside there." and my reply was, "Yeah, I sure hope they put the right ones back in."  He did not appreciate this joke at first but before long we were joking about our kids coming out looking like Michael Jackson, back when he was cute. So obviously I don't have a bump yet but what I do have is BLOAT. I'm still in the "Is she pregnant or did she eat too much pizza?" stage, especially since my pants haven't buttoned since I started all the IVF drugs. At least I don't have to suck it in anymore! <3

4 Weeks

How far along? 4 weeks.
How big is baby?

 In week 3, sperm meets egg, and voila: conception! (Hahahahaha. If only it was that easy.) our little zygote sets off on a six-day trek through your fallopian tubes, dividing and redividing into identical cells as it travels to your uterus. Read more about baby this week.
>In week 4, now safe in your womb, the ball of cells (blastocyst) splits in two, becoming the embryo and the placenta. The amniotic sac and fluid are forming around baby, and will act as a cushion for the next eight months. 

Symptoms:  Lots and lots of cramps (Please God, let this be normal!) Fatigue and bloat.
Total weight gain/loss: I've gained three pounds since the start of my IVF cycle.
Maternity clothes? None. Just a belly band. I've been bloated this entire IVF cycle so it's more out of comfort than necessity.
Sleep:  I'm exhausted and in bed by 8 most nights. Unfortunately I'm up around 3 every morning for some reason and I always have a difficult time getting back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Getting my first ever positive pregnancy test and telling Mike, "There's two lines!" Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings:  Pizza. Especially greasy Costco pizza.

Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.

Belly Button in or out?  In.

What I miss:  Nothing really.  Life is good.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) at our first ultrasound on 12/30.
Next Appointment: Next Friday for a repeat blood draw.

Weekly Wisdom: If you're still struggling with infertility, cling to hope. I am living proof that miracles do happen.

Milestones: Just getting pregnant is a pretty huge milestone in my life right now.

"It's a Sickness."

Hello, my name is Megan and I am a POAS addict. It's a sickness.  Always have been but it has been particularly bad since we started treatments. I've tested like this after every.single.IUI. which makes the fact that we actually got a BFP this cycle all the more amazing.  A few people in my life don't understand that apparently and I feel like they're trying to burst my bubble, whether they mean to or not. They've asked me about false positives and doubted my pregnancy because it hasn't been confirmed by a doctor. ::sigh::  I guess I'm still in such shock that I'm in a position to be easily persuaded that it might not be true.

Is there really any denying this?

Yesterday I went to the garage and pulled down a long forgotten box. I've been collecting baby clothes since 2006, when my neighbors started offering me hand-me-downs.  I haven't purchased many items but the ones I have purchased are so special. They've been tucked away for years (purchased after I naively thought I'd get pregnant right away) and I pulled them out yesterday just so I could look at them. I really hope I get to keep them out and actually use them in nine months.

Punk Rock Baby.

Vintage Tattoo Hot Sling

I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I really don't think there's any denying that I am pregnant but having a medical professional confirm it will help me feel better.....I hope. I told Mike last night that I feel like this is a total mind fuck because of all my "symptoms." I don't know what's a side effect of the PIO versus a pregnancy symptom and I don't know what's real and what's just in my head. It's just crazy.  I feel on the verge of tears all.the.time..  Yesterday I was starving but nothing sounded or tasted good. I had three different dinners before settling on a bowl of cereal, which I had to force myself to eat.  I finally got the courage to vacuum because I fight a never-ending battle of fur control. It exhausted me. Luckily, my amazing sister sent me the most awesome gift for the days when I don't feel like doing anything: The complete series of Gilmore Girls--my FAVORITE. I've been DVRing re-runs for years but now I don't have to anymore!

Since finding out I am pregnant I have had a very difficult time with "survivors guilt" and being on the other side of infertility. How do you deal with the guilt of getting pregnant while so many others are still struggling? Several months ago, I started a local support group for infertiles and now I have no idea how to act around them. In the rules of my group I ask that everyone practice sensitivity in announcing BFPs or talking about their children if they're dealing with secondary IF. We're having a lunch get together on the 17th and I feel like I have no business going now. I feel guilty for answering questions about how I'm feeling. I just don't want to be the one to rub salt in anyone's wounds.  I read a cycle buddy's blog last night and unfortunately her IVF ended with a BFN. My heart broke for her as I read her words because up until three days ago I could literally have imagined myself writing a blog entry very similar to hers. I don't expect everyone to be sincerely happy for me. I've been in there.  I know how absolutely devastating someone else's BFP can be. I don't want my happiness to cause anyone's heartache but I've waited nearly four years to celebrate and I deserve to be happy, right?  Even if I am only 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I feel like I no longer belong in the IF community but I definitely can not relate to the "I-got-pregnant-on-a-whim" community (I joined Pregnant Fort Lewis wives last night. Gag me, seriously).  I am just not sure how to deal with this.