I'm pregnant. (Wow, that's still so weird to say!) I'm pregnant after struggling with infertility for almost four years. I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I no longer fit in with the groups of infertiles yet I don't fit in with the run-of-the-mill pregnant ladies. You know, the ones who had
sex to get pregnant. It's a very precarious position and I'm constantly worried about offending someone, especially by blogging about my pregnancy which is why the posts have been so scant lately. Even though I'm finally pregnant, the pain of infertility is still there. (
Just the other day my friend was telling me her sister was jealous and my heart hurt and I felt jealous. Then I stopped and reminded myself that I am also pregnant. It was just a gut reaction.) Sure, it's different because I'm finally pregnant. Perhaps the pain is lessened a bit but it's definitely still there and now that I'm pregnant I have a whole new set of worries and fears.
When you're going through infertility treatments you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and it's the same in pregnancy after infertility. I'm constantly having nightmares that we will never hold this baby in our arms. It's terrifying. Anyone who read any of my posts pre-pregnancy should know how incredibly grateful we are for the little one growing inside my belly and since this is my blog I do not feel it's necessary to preface everything with "I am so incredibly grateful..." This is an infertility turned pregnancy blog so it should be obvious. I've been bottling every thing up these past several weeks so I'm going to write down some thoughts as they come to me.
Confession: I have felt guilty since the day of my BFP but I'm starting to come out of that. I have to. I am not going to spend my entire pregnancy feeling guilty. I want to rejoice and celebrate but I've been gripped by fear. Mike's getting annoyed with me because he says I'm not excited enough. I know I need to snap out of it. I want to remember everything about this time since I may not ever be pregnant again. Blogging will help me record those memories but I've felt apprehensive about it for fear of hurting those who are still struggling. I recently realized that when I was still waiting for my BFP I 'unfollowed' many blogs once the writers got their BFP--it was sheer self preservation. As much as I don't want to lose readers, I know that I may be unfollowed too and that's okay. I totally understand. However, I deserve to be happy. I deserve a place to record my memories, whether they be good or bad, without fear of judgement. I put in my time. It's my turn now.......isn't it?
Confession: (This is one of those times where I'm not going to preface this with 'I'm so grateful but...') Nothing in the world could have prepared me for how pregnancy would make me feel. The sudden changes have been so drastic and surprising. I'm tired and have no desire to eat anything. The nausea has been better this week but I still have trash cans by the couch and bed. The dry heaving hits me randomly and all day long. Smelling turns to gagging which turns to dry heaving. I suppose it's baby's way of letting me know he/she is still in there. I think about food all the time but can't actually bring myself to eat much. The other day I saw a political ad equating voting *insert your chosen party here* with eating a muffin full of glass. All I could say was, "Mmmm.....muffin." I immediately wanted a giant Banana Nut muffin. You know, one of those big (fattening!) ones from Costco. Yum.
Confession: I'm constantly having nightmares that we won't see a heart beat at our next ultrasound. Or nightmares where my baby is taken from me and I'm not able to nurse them.
Confession: My progesterone went down last week and I'm worried about what that means.
Confession: I am planning a natural birth. The pain absolutely scares the crap out of me but I believe it's what's best for me and my baby. Obviously I will use medical intervention if necessary for our health and safety but I'm hoping to have a natural delivery. My intake appointment with the midwife clinic is next week! I'm still under the care of my RE until 12 weeks but we'll start seeing the midwife practice after that. Oh and just to clear something up--I've had several people question my decision to go the midwife route. They assumed that I am high risk because of what it took to get me pregnant. Using IVF to achieve pregnancy does not mean that I am automatically high risk. I'm young, in good health and pregnant with a singleton. I'm a perfect candidate for using a midwife.
Confession: I haven't been able to start any serious baby shopping (the fear!) but I did start my cloth diaper stash. I've gotten some great deals on clearance at cottonbabies. Luckily I haven't received any judgement for CDing yet. I love getting fluffy mail!
Confession: I became an aunt when I was 14 years old. The first time I saw my sister breastfeeding my niece I thought it was the most disgusting thing ever--I was 14. I grew out of that (obviously) and now I can't wait to breast feed. I read The.Womanly.Art.of.Breastfeeding. and oh em gee. It empowered me. I know now that the girls, small as they may be (but increasing in size every day) will be fully capable of giving my baby everything he or she needs. I can not wait for that special bond with my baby.
Confession: We are going to find out the gender of the baby but we are keeping our name choices to ourselves. We don't want anyone's opinions or judgement on our name choices. Our plan is to have a few names picked out but not to name the baby until we actually meet him or her.
Today I am already 22% done with my pregnancy. How is that even possible?! I can't wait until tomorrow to see our baby again. Until then....
