Jul 14, 2011
Flame Free Confession
Mike threw his back out on Saturday and by Tuesday he was in the ER having extremely painful back spasms. I drove to post to bring him home since he was put on quarters and he's been in a persistent daze ever since. Here comes to the confession part: He is driving me absolutely crazy! I feel terrible for him because he's in pain and I hate seeing him that way but I am soooo ready for him to go back to work. Today he quizzed me about everything that I have on our top shelf in the fridge--like my curry paste. "It's been in there forever." Yes, it has but it takes months to use an entire jar of curry paste unless you're having a curry every.single.night for dinner. Then he proceeded to ask questions about all the little notes I've jotted down on my dry erase calendar. As a matter of fact, he's actually bugging me right now. "What are you doing? Who are you writing?" and talking to the realtors on the TLC show I'm watching. I know most of it is the drugs he's on, oxycodone and diazepam, but I am seriously ready to strangle him. Who knows, maybe it's a combination of his drugs coupled with the fact that I've been on effing fertility drugs for five months.
Jul 10, 2011
Operation: Procreation??
So I've been thinking these last few days about how we will come up with the money for IVF. I already have a business making military items but I was thinking about opening an Etsy shop with pre-made items geared specifically toward infertility survivors. Onesies with sayings such as, "i was worth the wait" and "Mom and Dad spent my college fund making me!" I might even be able to make adult shirts, I don't know. Everything would be pre-made so that it wouldn't take too much time away from ACUnique.
I think it could be successful. I mean, I would rather buy a shirt like this from a fellow IFer than Cafe Press or something like that. Even if it only does moderately well, some money is better than no money, right? Of course this would totally suck if I never end up pregnant but I'm trying not to think like that. So...I need your help. I need ideas for a shop name. Operation: Procreation is a possibility but I'm open to suggestions. Also, give me your cutest ideas for onesie sayings!
Here are some I found while surfing the web:
I think it could be successful. I mean, I would rather buy a shirt like this from a fellow IFer than Cafe Press or something like that. Even if it only does moderately well, some money is better than no money, right? Of course this would totally suck if I never end up pregnant but I'm trying not to think like that. So...I need your help. I need ideas for a shop name. Operation: Procreation is a possibility but I'm open to suggestions. Also, give me your cutest ideas for onesie sayings!
Here are some I found while surfing the web:
- I was worth the wait
- Mom and Dad spent my college fund making me
- Frosty Baby
- Maternity shirt with "FINALLY!" on the belly area
- You think I'm cute now? You should have seen me as an EMBRYO
- I am Mommy's Dream come true
- Mommy & Daddy's little miracle
- Fertility drugs rock!
- I'm a miracle!
- ICSIBABY
- I'm a work of A.R.T.
- My parents did IVF and now all they can afford is this lousy t-shirt
- I'm proof that miracles do happen
- I'm a Rainbow Baby
- Second Mortgage
IUI #3
Well, it's done! I have been sperminated. We had to drive up to Seattle for the procedure since the satellite clinic in Tacoma isn't open on the weekends. It was a beautiful day though and we were able to have lunch on Lake Union, in the harbor, while they were doing the semen washing.
Mike was a rock star again---completely blowing the normal ranges out of the water. His count was lower than the previous two IUIs but still very good. I joked with him and said that his count last month was super high because of all the fortification from the English beer.
I had some cramping and spotting last night but nothing too terrible. Today my right side is definitely feeling twinges and fullness so I know I must be O'ing today. So begins the two week wait. I hope it goes by quickly for me and all of you as well.
On the drive home yesterday I was talking to Mike about how last summer the doctors told us he might have a motility problem and how upset I was thinking that we'd have to do IUI to get pregnant. I never thought we'd be where we are now. A year ago the idea of needing medical help to conceive was unfathomable and now look at us! IUI #3 done and moving onto surgery and IVF. For anyone at the beginning of your infertility journey, my suggestion to you is to keep an open mind about treatments. Never say, "I'll never do that" because you won't really know the decision you'll make until you're ready to cross that bridge. I still can't believe that we are going to need the help of IVF to grow our family or that we even had to make a decision like this!
Yesterday we bought Seattle Sounders vs Man UTD tickets for the 20th. Super excited as I've never been to a professional football/soccer game and after seeing all the crazed football fans in London we can't wait! The girl I bought the tickets from is an Army wife as well. A new Army Wife. Class of 2010 and almost halfway through her pregnancy. The thoughts running through my head weren't so nice and I'm pretty sure I'd get in a hellofalot of trouble for throat punching a pregnant lady, right? Infertility is so unfair.
Mike was a rock star again---completely blowing the normal ranges out of the water. His count was lower than the previous two IUIs but still very good. I joked with him and said that his count last month was super high because of all the fortification from the English beer.
I had some cramping and spotting last night but nothing too terrible. Today my right side is definitely feeling twinges and fullness so I know I must be O'ing today. So begins the two week wait. I hope it goes by quickly for me and all of you as well.
On the drive home yesterday I was talking to Mike about how last summer the doctors told us he might have a motility problem and how upset I was thinking that we'd have to do IUI to get pregnant. I never thought we'd be where we are now. A year ago the idea of needing medical help to conceive was unfathomable and now look at us! IUI #3 done and moving onto surgery and IVF. For anyone at the beginning of your infertility journey, my suggestion to you is to keep an open mind about treatments. Never say, "I'll never do that" because you won't really know the decision you'll make until you're ready to cross that bridge. I still can't believe that we are going to need the help of IVF to grow our family or that we even had to make a decision like this!
Yesterday we bought Seattle Sounders vs Man UTD tickets for the 20th. Super excited as I've never been to a professional football/soccer game and after seeing all the crazed football fans in London we can't wait! The girl I bought the tickets from is an Army wife as well. A new Army Wife. Class of 2010 and almost halfway through her pregnancy. The thoughts running through my head weren't so nice and I'm pretty sure I'd get in a hellofalot of trouble for throat punching a pregnant lady, right? Infertility is so unfair.
Jul 8, 2011
This is It.
My appointment didn't start off so well. I arrived at the infertility clinic and it was really, really busy. I guess it is because they are doing an IVF cycle right now. When I gave the receptionist my ID she asked, "Did they just book this appointment?" She didn't have me down! This is the appointment I had to fight for last week, remember? I was about to lose it on someone but luckily they straightened it out and I had a seat in the waiting area. It's always so lovely when I have to wait for an extended period of time considering the OB booking desk is just on the other side of the infertility clinic. Whoever planned the layout of the new clinic is a total idiot.
While I was waiting I saw a lady come in once, get sent away and then come in a second time absolutely furious. They hadn't put in her labs---sound familiar? At least I'm not the only one having such a hard time with them.
Mike ended up being able to come with me since he finished at the range early so we both went back to the room and waited to see the doc. The nurse had me down taking Clomid, that I was 5' 6" and day 14 on my cycle. Double you tee eff. This clinic really needs to get it's shit together. My blood pressure was high and she asked, "Do you normally have high blood pressure or just when you come to see us?" Oh if she only knew.
Once again, my left ovary was taking the month off but I have several follies on my right. One 19.5 that is nice and ripe and several smaller ones that won't be doing anything. I got my trigger shot and we're going up to Seattle tomorrow for IUI #3.
Dr. C sat and talked with us for a long while, which was very much appreciated considering everything that is going on. He talked to me about my low AMH and said that it does mean that we're working against a clock but that we shouldn't be too concerned just yet. If I don't get pregnant this cycle we will do CD3 labs at my request though he feels like they unnecessary because of my everything else in my cycle is normal. Because I'm 27 he would expect the quality of my eggs to still be good but obviously this is only something we can figure out once we get to the IVF stage. For now he presented us with a few options:
#1 Continue to do ovulation induction and IUI. We could definitely continue doing this but the cumulative success rate for IUI decreases each month. He feels that there wouldn't be much point in continuing this protocol after IUI #3 since most women who achieve pregnancy do so in the first three months. Plus, that's money that could go into our IVF fund.
#2 Diagnostic laparosocopy. This is highly recommended before pursuing IVF and there is the chance they could get in there and be able to "fix" whatever it is that is keeping me from conceiving on my own.
#3 IUI with stims. He doesn't normally like to do this because the risk of OHSS is so high coupled with increased risk of multiples. He said that IUI + stims shows no increased chance of conception when compared to clomid or femara cycles. It'd basically be a more aggressive protocol than what we're doing now but without an increased chance of getting pregnant.
#4 Move straight to IVF. Well, not really. There's still the long ass waiting list of course. We did find out, however, that IVF without ICSI is closer to 6k and with ICSI is around 8k (I'm guessing the 7,500 that Dr. B. told us about last time.) The wait time may actually decrease because they are going to start doing cycles more regularly plus people PCS, get pregnant on their own or just decide to take themselves off the list entirely. Dr. C said we might be able to cycle as soon as 6-8 months. Until then, I guess we'll be trying the old fashioned way. It didn't work for us for the first 20 months so there's no reason to think it'd work now.
Overall it was a great appointment. I really appreciated the time he took to sit and talk with us about our concerns; I just wish he'd done it sooner. Who knows? Maybe he doesn't talk to his patients about all the options because most of them get pregnant right away? I really wish the logistics of the clinic would get worked out though. They seriously need to work on scheduling and following through with things.
It's so bizzare to be moving forward with IVF and feeling total okay with it. I remember how upset I was last summer when we thought Mike had low motility and that we'd have to do IUI to get pregnant. The idea of not being able to get pregnant on my own was heart wrenching and now I can talk about IUI and IVF in my sleep. Mike and I have talked about it and agreed that while the idea of surgery completely sucks, that is the option we need to go with for now. Surgery will most likely be late August or September. At this point, we've also agreed for this to be our final IUI and to start saving for IVF. If I don't get pregnant I will be calling the clinic on day one and scheduling my lap. After that, we'll see where to go from there....
While I was waiting I saw a lady come in once, get sent away and then come in a second time absolutely furious. They hadn't put in her labs---sound familiar? At least I'm not the only one having such a hard time with them.
Mike ended up being able to come with me since he finished at the range early so we both went back to the room and waited to see the doc. The nurse had me down taking Clomid, that I was 5' 6" and day 14 on my cycle. Double you tee eff. This clinic really needs to get it's shit together. My blood pressure was high and she asked, "Do you normally have high blood pressure or just when you come to see us?" Oh if she only knew.
Once again, my left ovary was taking the month off but I have several follies on my right. One 19.5 that is nice and ripe and several smaller ones that won't be doing anything. I got my trigger shot and we're going up to Seattle tomorrow for IUI #3.
Dr. C sat and talked with us for a long while, which was very much appreciated considering everything that is going on. He talked to me about my low AMH and said that it does mean that we're working against a clock but that we shouldn't be too concerned just yet. If I don't get pregnant this cycle we will do CD3 labs at my request though he feels like they unnecessary because of my everything else in my cycle is normal. Because I'm 27 he would expect the quality of my eggs to still be good but obviously this is only something we can figure out once we get to the IVF stage. For now he presented us with a few options:
#1 Continue to do ovulation induction and IUI. We could definitely continue doing this but the cumulative success rate for IUI decreases each month. He feels that there wouldn't be much point in continuing this protocol after IUI #3 since most women who achieve pregnancy do so in the first three months. Plus, that's money that could go into our IVF fund.
#2 Diagnostic laparosocopy. This is highly recommended before pursuing IVF and there is the chance they could get in there and be able to "fix" whatever it is that is keeping me from conceiving on my own.
#3 IUI with stims. He doesn't normally like to do this because the risk of OHSS is so high coupled with increased risk of multiples. He said that IUI + stims shows no increased chance of conception when compared to clomid or femara cycles. It'd basically be a more aggressive protocol than what we're doing now but without an increased chance of getting pregnant.
#4 Move straight to IVF. Well, not really. There's still the long ass waiting list of course. We did find out, however, that IVF without ICSI is closer to 6k and with ICSI is around 8k (I'm guessing the 7,500 that Dr. B. told us about last time.) The wait time may actually decrease because they are going to start doing cycles more regularly plus people PCS, get pregnant on their own or just decide to take themselves off the list entirely. Dr. C said we might be able to cycle as soon as 6-8 months. Until then, I guess we'll be trying the old fashioned way. It didn't work for us for the first 20 months so there's no reason to think it'd work now.
Overall it was a great appointment. I really appreciated the time he took to sit and talk with us about our concerns; I just wish he'd done it sooner. Who knows? Maybe he doesn't talk to his patients about all the options because most of them get pregnant right away? I really wish the logistics of the clinic would get worked out though. They seriously need to work on scheduling and following through with things.
It's so bizzare to be moving forward with IVF and feeling total okay with it. I remember how upset I was last summer when we thought Mike had low motility and that we'd have to do IUI to get pregnant. The idea of not being able to get pregnant on my own was heart wrenching and now I can talk about IUI and IVF in my sleep. Mike and I have talked about it and agreed that while the idea of surgery completely sucks, that is the option we need to go with for now. Surgery will most likely be late August or September. At this point, we've also agreed for this to be our final IUI and to start saving for IVF. If I don't get pregnant I will be calling the clinic on day one and scheduling my lap. After that, we'll see where to go from there....
Words.
This quote perfectly describes what I'm feeling right now. I don't even want to do IUI this cycle because I feel like there's no point. I'm numb to it all but I'm scared to give up. We've waited for so long to get to this point. I can't remember the last time I prayed and I actually stopped myself from praying last night. Again, what's the point? Not that I was ever an incredibly religious person but infertility has completely
I have to leave in a few hours for my follie check and already my mind is drawing a blank on what I need to say to the doctor. I know I need to advocate for myself but I'm not sure how to do it without #1 being disrespectful and burning bridges or #2 going completely hormonal and crying. I guess I need to sit down with a pen and paper and write down everything I want to say to him.
Expect another entry later tonight, revealing all the details of my appointment. Wish me luck.
Jul 7, 2011
Same Book, Different Pages
I got super excited this evening when I read about a clinic in the area that is off post AND accepts Tricare. According to the lady, all I'd need to do is call Tricare directly and request a referral to go to this particular infertility clinic. She did IVF there and just had a baby last August. ::cue excitement::
I started telling Mike about this and waited for his response. He had nothing to say so I asked for his input and he said that I didn't want to hear it. He got all sorts of pissy with me! He doesn't understand why I want to switch clinics or why I am upset about my low AMH since I haven't talked to the doctor yet. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything infertility related because he doesn't like to see me all worked up or emotional. He told me that I never say anything positive and when I asked him what is positive about our situation he said, "We know a lot more now than we did when we first started." True, we do know more but we still don't have answers.
I know he and I look at things a lot differently but it is so frustrating to feel that I'm in this alone and can't talk to him about anything, that he doesn't want to hear it. Sometimes I feel like we're reading the same book but I'm pages ahead of him. He has yet to read a single book on infertility and tends to rely on me for information but never really gives any input other than to "not get worked up" or "wait to see what the doc says." Yet, I hear him telling other people about our IF journey and he tells them how frustrating it is, how much the clinic on post sucks, how it's unfair, etc. Why can't he talk to me that way? He wouldn't even admit that we had a fertility problem until he actually heard it from a doctor, despite our 20+ months of TTC. Well, I'm on Cycle 31 now and I'm still not pregnant. Would he feel the same way if he was the one with the fertility problems? I told him that we're on completely different pages. He's not speaking to me now. Oh, and I'll be going to my follicle check tomorrow alone thanks to range qualifications. Fucking brilliant.
When I found out IUI #2 didn't work, I didn't even cry. I am numb. I feel like there isn't even point to hoping anymore.
So...what do you do when you and your spouse aren't on the same page during your infertility journey?
I started telling Mike about this and waited for his response. He had nothing to say so I asked for his input and he said that I didn't want to hear it. He got all sorts of pissy with me! He doesn't understand why I want to switch clinics or why I am upset about my low AMH since I haven't talked to the doctor yet. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything infertility related because he doesn't like to see me all worked up or emotional. He told me that I never say anything positive and when I asked him what is positive about our situation he said, "We know a lot more now than we did when we first started." True, we do know more but we still don't have answers.
I know he and I look at things a lot differently but it is so frustrating to feel that I'm in this alone and can't talk to him about anything, that he doesn't want to hear it. Sometimes I feel like we're reading the same book but I'm pages ahead of him. He has yet to read a single book on infertility and tends to rely on me for information but never really gives any input other than to "not get worked up" or "wait to see what the doc says." Yet, I hear him telling other people about our IF journey and he tells them how frustrating it is, how much the clinic on post sucks, how it's unfair, etc. Why can't he talk to me that way? He wouldn't even admit that we had a fertility problem until he actually heard it from a doctor, despite our 20+ months of TTC. Well, I'm on Cycle 31 now and I'm still not pregnant. Would he feel the same way if he was the one with the fertility problems? I told him that we're on completely different pages. He's not speaking to me now. Oh, and I'll be going to my follicle check tomorrow alone thanks to range qualifications. Fucking brilliant.
When I found out IUI #2 didn't work, I didn't even cry. I am numb. I feel like there isn't even point to hoping anymore.
So...what do you do when you and your spouse aren't on the same page during your infertility journey?
Jul 1, 2011
Houston, We Have a Problem
For months I have been repeatedly requesting further testing. After all, how can you be diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" if you haven't been tested for everything? My RE's office assured me that everything was fine and that since I'm "so young" and my cycles are regular that it would be really rare for me to have any hormonal issues. They were wrong and they couldn't even be bothered to call me with the results themsevles.
Yesterday I went to post to pick up my prescription for Femara. I drove the 40 minutes to the hospital only for there to be nothing in the system--the nurse didn't put in the order. So I had to track down the nurse but the doctor wasn't available to sign the script since he was in surgery. While I was waiting I went to Outpatient Records and requested a copy of all my charts pertaining to the infertility clinic. It was an intersting read--no one ever told me that my HSG showed I had a "filling defect," whatever that is. My hysteroscopy was clear though so the HSG results don't really matter. The most interesting part was my lab results from two weeks ago. Remember the "proactive doctor?" I thought he was checking me for the CF mutation and checking my thyroid levels. The good news is that I am negative for the CF mutation. The bad news is that he didn't check my thyroid but he checked my AMH instead. AMH is one of the tests that I have been requesting because it is standard for ANY fertility work up.
AMH stands for Anti-Mullerian Hormone. Women are born with a certain number of eggs. What they're born with is all they'll have in their entire life. This hormone is an indicator of a woman's remaining egg supply otherwise known as ovarian reserve. Typically, the younger the woman, the higher the hormone count. According to this chart a women of my age should have a count of 2.1 or higher. Mine was .85 or equivalent to someone 40+. Insert shocked face.
This information would have been awfully helpful 10 months ago when I first started seeing the RE started taking medications that could diminish my ovarian reserve even more. I remember on my first appointment, on 20 Sep 10, asking for more blood work and them assuring me that it was unnecessary. At nearly every appointment I have questioned the doctor and asked for more testing. I was told that because of my age it was unnecessary. Repeatedly, I was assured that my fertility should not be questioned because of my age and my regular cycles. I should have never listened to them. I should have been more persistent. Maybe the test results are wrong but I do know that they had better do further testing on me. CD3, antral follicle count, etc.
So what does this mean for us? Honestly, I have no idea. Is IVF our only option? If it is, it would have been nice to know that a year ago since the waiting list is so long. Does the age and quality of my eggs are bad? Can I even conceive at all? These are all questions that I will have to talk to my doctor about at my follie check on Friday which, by the way, I had to fight for. They tried to tell me they were completely booked but I insisted that I had to be seen since I'm starting a new drug. Can you believe that? A RE who will prescribe fertility drugs to a patient and not do any monitoring? They ended up double booking me and told me that I could be waiting awhile but I assured them that I'd rather wait than not be seen at all. I think I need to take a few hours, read through my old blogs and take a trip to patient advocacy. I think I have a good case for being referred off post. The care I have been receiving has been greatly lacking, it's a fight almost every month to get an appointment and the potential DOR thing should have been diagnosed much, much sooner instead of brushing me off because of my age. They also could have had the courtesy to call me with my lab results instead of me finding out by going to patient records. At this point I am just so baffled. I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, stressed and scared.
I honestly have no idea what and of this means for us or if I'm totally overreacting. So.....advice? Insight? Have any of you been diagnosed with low AMH? Any of my military readers have any experience dealing with patient advocacy?
Yesterday I went to post to pick up my prescription for Femara. I drove the 40 minutes to the hospital only for there to be nothing in the system--the nurse didn't put in the order. So I had to track down the nurse but the doctor wasn't available to sign the script since he was in surgery. While I was waiting I went to Outpatient Records and requested a copy of all my charts pertaining to the infertility clinic. It was an intersting read--no one ever told me that my HSG showed I had a "filling defect," whatever that is. My hysteroscopy was clear though so the HSG results don't really matter. The most interesting part was my lab results from two weeks ago. Remember the "proactive doctor?" I thought he was checking me for the CF mutation and checking my thyroid levels. The good news is that I am negative for the CF mutation. The bad news is that he didn't check my thyroid but he checked my AMH instead. AMH is one of the tests that I have been requesting because it is standard for ANY fertility work up.
AMH stands for Anti-Mullerian Hormone. Women are born with a certain number of eggs. What they're born with is all they'll have in their entire life. This hormone is an indicator of a woman's remaining egg supply otherwise known as ovarian reserve. Typically, the younger the woman, the higher the hormone count. According to this chart a women of my age should have a count of 2.1 or higher. Mine was .85 or equivalent to someone 40+. Insert shocked face.
This information would have been awfully helpful 10 months ago when I first started seeing the RE started taking medications that could diminish my ovarian reserve even more. I remember on my first appointment, on 20 Sep 10, asking for more blood work and them assuring me that it was unnecessary. At nearly every appointment I have questioned the doctor and asked for more testing. I was told that because of my age it was unnecessary. Repeatedly, I was assured that my fertility should not be questioned because of my age and my regular cycles. I should have never listened to them. I should have been more persistent. Maybe the test results are wrong but I do know that they had better do further testing on me. CD3, antral follicle count, etc.
So what does this mean for us? Honestly, I have no idea. Is IVF our only option? If it is, it would have been nice to know that a year ago since the waiting list is so long. Does the age and quality of my eggs are bad? Can I even conceive at all? These are all questions that I will have to talk to my doctor about at my follie check on Friday which, by the way, I had to fight for. They tried to tell me they were completely booked but I insisted that I had to be seen since I'm starting a new drug. Can you believe that? A RE who will prescribe fertility drugs to a patient and not do any monitoring? They ended up double booking me and told me that I could be waiting awhile but I assured them that I'd rather wait than not be seen at all. I think I need to take a few hours, read through my old blogs and take a trip to patient advocacy. I think I have a good case for being referred off post. The care I have been receiving has been greatly lacking, it's a fight almost every month to get an appointment and the potential DOR thing should have been diagnosed much, much sooner instead of brushing me off because of my age. They also could have had the courtesy to call me with my lab results instead of me finding out by going to patient records. At this point I am just so baffled. I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, stressed and scared.
I honestly have no idea what and of this means for us or if I'm totally overreacting. So.....advice? Insight? Have any of you been diagnosed with low AMH? Any of my military readers have any experience dealing with patient advocacy?
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