The Baby Trail

I finished reading this book yesterday and just had to RAVE about it. I LOVED IT. It is a book that only an infertile woman could appreciate.  Baby Trail is a novel that tells the story of Emma, an Irish woman, who is on a quest to become pregnant only things don't go quite as planned. I literally laughed out loud more times than I could count. The book is extremely humorous, particularly the chapter where she grills her husband about his masturbation habits after she spends some time googling. Let's face it ladies. We've all been there, right?

When she decides to give OPKs and CM tracking a shot, Emma had me rolling with laughter, "The nuns probably omitted the chapter on rreproduction in case we got any ideas.  So where the hell did my cervix begin?" and "Oh my God, this was unbelievable.  It was horrendous.  I'd never be able to eat meringues again.  Egg white would never have the same appeal." If you're grossed out right now then you've obviously never obsessed over cervical mucus and probably shouldn't be reading this blog. Read my disclaimer.  You can't say that I didn't warn you.

Being infertile, we all know what it's like to be singled out for not being parents.  All the conversations seem to revolve around t-ball and dance class and little Sally's big science fair project. Lord help us if they're a newborn around because then the convo immediately shifts to labor pains and breast feeding and swollen ankles. Topics that we have absolutely nothing to contribute to.  After being the only childless couple at a dinner party Emma said to her husband on the way home, "On the way home I said to James that when we had kids, if I ever turned into a boring old fart who talked about cracked nipples on a Saturday night, he was to shoot me on the spot." 

It's no secret that infertility totally takes the fun out of sex.  How can sex possibly be fun when it's scheduled, when you have to buy special "sperm-friendly" lube? At some point, sex becomes work. "The problem with baby-making was that it had pretty much wiped out the spontaneous rip-your-clothes-off sex we were used too. Now it was all about timing and dates, whereas before we just hopped on each other whenever the mood took us.  The focus had changed from pleasure to which-is-the-best-position-to-help-the-sperm-reach-the-egg-quickly sex."  It's unfortunately true.

Although it was a fictional novel, it touched on some very real aspects of infertility. Like what it's like to feel your marriage being torn apart, like when you barely feel like yourself anymore and you're terrified your husband is going to leave you for someone more fertile.  "I was obsessed, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't control it.  I thought about having a baby all the time.  And everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant on their honeymoon, or after their first attempt, like Imogen.  What if I never got pregnant? What if there was something wrong with me that the doctors had missed? When I saw our friends with their children my heart ached.  I wanted that for us.  We'd be good parents, so what was it so bloody difficult? Well, one thing was for sure: I had to try to relax.  In this state, not only would I never get pregnant, but I'd end up alone."

One of my favorite parts of the entire book was the bit about Fertility Barbie at the IVF clinic. I don't want to spoil it because it is hilarious.  The Baby Trail was a breath of fresh air in the world of stuffy infertility books.  It was a nice break to read something entertaining and comical about infertility for a change rather than trying navigate my way through something that reads like a medical textbook.  I really, really enjoyed this book so I hope that some of you take my advice and read it. You won't regret it!

First Sale!

Some of you may remember that I started an Etsy shop called Works of A.R.T. to help raise money for our IVF.  At the time, I was in my 2ww fom IUI #3 and really didn't think we'd actually have to start saving, that the IUI was going to work. But here we are a few weeks later, we are officially moving on to IVF and I just made my first sale!

My new online buddy, Carole, mailed me a shirt to embroider for her daughter to wear to a celebration commemorating her doctor's 20th year of doing IVF. Carole is the one that told me about the clinic in Olympia and has been a huge help with guiding me through the steps. 

Oh...I still haven't heard from Patient Advocacy. Nice, right? So, here's our plan as of right now. Laparoscopy 25 August. I'll have the surgery and discuss our options at the Post-Op. If the Lap fixes" the "problem" and increases our chances of conceiving without IVF then we will most likely stick with the clinic on post for a few more months.  If the results of the lap are normal and we need to move to IVF then we will switch me to Tricare Standard so that we can see whatever doctor we want--without a referral. I need to call the doctor in Olympia confirm everything price-wise before we do the switch. What's the difference between Standard and Prime?  Mostly, the co-pays.  With Prime, I am seen on post and we pay nothing out of pocket (except for the IUIs, which we do at an off-post clinic). All my meds from the on-post pharmacy, where I always have to wait at least an hour I might add.  With Standard, we get to pick our doctor but there are co-pays for office visits, procedures and meds. I think our catastrophic cap would be $1,000 a year. I would not be allowed to go on post for anthing medical anymore which means we would be forfeiting our IVF slot at Madigan. Technically, Tricare doesn't cover any meds for an IVF cycle but I know several people who have had them paid for. It's all about the way the doctor codes it for billing purposes. So, I guess we'll see. If any of my readers have been through a laparoscopy, I would appreciate hearing your stories!

Harry Potter Giveaway on Fearlessly Infertile

I am always looking for new blogs to read, specifically infertility blogs and military/infertility blogs even more so. A few months ago I stumbled across Fearlessly Infertile by Christa and have been an avid reader ever since.

Christa just celebrated her 30th birthday at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (jealous!!!!) where she picked up these goodies for a giveaway on her blog! I'm a huge HP dork fan. I still have to finish my blog from our time in the North of England but  we actually left London from King's Cross just so I could get my picture at Platform 9 3/4 and we got to go to the castle that Hogwarts was based on in the first two movies. While in Whitby (the place where Dracula landed in England) I bought a shirt that says "Real men don't sparkle. Real men defeat dark wizards" and wore it to the premiere of Deathly Hallows Part 2. Hello, my name is Megan and I am a Harry Potter dork and I want to win this giveaway!

Denied.

This morning I had my appointment with my PCM to seek a referral to the off-post RE in Olympia.
 I saw my PCM less than three hours ago and my referral has already been denied. The head nurse from the IF clinic on post just called and said that they won't refer people off post because "Tricare doesn't cover infertility."  That's only partly true. How can that be true when I know PLENTY of people who are seen at off-post infertility clinics?! They will cover EVERYTHING except the actual IUI or IVF procedures.  The clinic in Olympia says they bill Tricare all the time and that I just need a referral. Madigan is refusing to give me one. This is so incredibly frustrating. I don't want to burn any bridges with the clinic on post, especially with my laparascopy scheduled for the 25th of August. It's a Catch 22 because I'd have no problem getting a referral to a civilian infertility clinic if we were at a duty station without one on post.  First, the IF clinic jerks me around for months because they can't see me when I need to be seen and now we have to wait an effing year for IVF. It's especially ridiculous because there's a perectly good RE who is ready and willing to see me NOW and who charges less for IVF than the cost on post, but I need that damned referral. So I'm stuck and right now I'm waiting to hear from the Patient Advocacy office. I really, really hope that they are able to help us.

Oh! I did finally e-mail my "not an apology" friend back. She called me today and we chatted for awhile. She asked me what was going on with us and as I was telling her about all of our procedures, tests and failed treatments she said, "Yeah. I can't believe we got pregnant on R&R. We were like WHAT THE FUCK?"  I started to tear up. How could she be so fucking insensitive? i wish I was a stronger person and that I would have told her to pull her head out of her ass.  So obviously I was right. She doesn't get it. If it doesn't affect her than it doesn't matter.  She is a good friend and we always had a lot of fun hanging out with them so I don't want to burn bridges, especially because they might be coming to Lewis, but I will not be talking to her about infertility anymore if I can help it.

Cycle #31

AF officially arrived yesterday at 15dpiui and it's safe to say IUI #3 was a failure. Now I have surgery to look forward to. I need to call the clinic and schedule it but I don't expect them to be able to see me anytime soon.
Mike opened to me this weekend, in his own way, and it was wonderful. I won't go into details but he is supportive of my decision to seek out a second opinion at the clinic in Olympia.  I'm not even sure if they're accept new patients but my first step will be to see my PCM about a referral and I have an appointment tomorrow at 1030! I think he's mostly worried about having to start from square one with all the testing and I hope that isn't the case. I want to check out the doctor, see if we'd be comfortable at his office and go from there. I've read a lot of good things about him. He personally calls his patients with all their results, only takes vacation once a year, is available all hours of the night for L&D, and truly gets invested in his patients. It is kind of mind boggling to think about seeing the same doctor at every appointment and to be doing an IVF cycle in a matter of months rather than a year is pretty exciting as well. He gives a 50% military discount so we could do two IVF cycles with him for the price of one at Madigan.  There are even more discounts if you donate your extra embryos to his research but I am not sure how I feel about that. I do know one thing--it will be really nice to be seen as an individual patient and not just another part of the baby making assembly line.

Bravo Foxtrot November.

I had dreams last night about waking up in the morning and having a positive pregnancy test. It didn't happen.  Big fat stark white negative. I'm pretty sure it was laughing at me. "How stupid could you be? You actually think you're pregnant after all this time?!"

I've started spotting a little bit, which is always a sure sign that AF is just days away. I know they say that it's not over until the fat lady sings but I always spot before my period. For some reason the spotting decided to start late this month.  If she doesn't show by Monday then I will call the IF clinic and request a blood test. My sister never got a +HPT with my niece. Can you believe that after all these months and negative tests I am still trying to make excuses and find reasons why my test was a BFN this morning?! It's ridiculous, really.......

Just call me Betty, Bitter Betty.

It's amazing how much a good cry takes out of you. When Mike got home from work last night I showed him my flowers and immediately started to tear up again. He wrapped his arms around me and I the flood of emotions I've been bottling up inside for months just started pouring out.  It's not fair that 14 year olds can get pregnant on their first time having sex. Or the woman who will deliver a crack-addicted baby? Or the teenagers who just graduated high school? Or my friend who got knocked up on R&R? The friend who expected me to understand her facebook pregnancy announcement.  Why would she think otherwise? Fertile people don't know anything about what it's like to go through the pain of months of negatives, despite your perfect timing and accurate charting, numerous painful procedures and tests or what it's like to have no idea the  actual number of people to have seen your vajayjay. They have no idea the incredible frustration we feel because we have no idea WHY I'm not getting pregnant. I've had friends say that they were really concerned and were so upset when they weren't pregnant after 2-3 months. You know what? Fuck you. Try 30. 30 God damn months.
How could anyone that gets pregnant so easily really understand that? I resent them. Call me bitter, but I resent them. Is it right for me to do so? No. After all, it's not their fault they are fertile fucking myrtle just as it's not my "fault" that my uterus is defective.
After my long cry, we curled up on the couch and watched Notting Hill, one of my all-time "feel good" movies. It's even better now that we've actually been to London.  Right now I have a potato casserole in the oven for the FRG picnic that I'm terrified to go to. After the week I've had, I don't think it will take much for someone to set me off and I am so tired of putting on a happy face because people don't know how to respond if I tell them what is really going on with us.  Combine that with the fact that I'm 13dpiui and most likely pms'ing, I wouldn't exactly call myself Susie Sunshine right now.

I've had zero spotting, which is abnormal for me since I normally spot 3-4 days before AF. No sore boobs, no bloating, nothing.  Fertility Friend has my test day as Sunday and I'm terrified to test. I do not want to see another negative as this was our last shot before moving on to surgery and IVF. Part of me is glad that this is our last month of drugs and IUI because it's just way too exhausting.  With each month that passes you tell yourself, "Okay. I'm not going to get my hopes up this month." It never works. You still put all your faith and hope that this month is going to be your month and when it isn't, it's like a part of your heart dies. A part of your heart dies and you never really get it back.  You lose a bit of yourself with each BFN, even more so during the months where you took fertility drugs and felt like you actually had a chance at a BFP.

I'm terrified that I may never become a mom; that it may never happen for us and that I will forever be the "cool aunt." After the roller coaster of these past six months, I have to say that I am kind of looking forward to our break in treatments.  The stressful phone calls to the RE, the trips to the lab for another pregnancy test that I know is going to be negative, the long waits in the pharmacy, the monitoring ultrasounds and the trips to SRM for the IUI.  Looking back, I can't believe how naive I was. I used to think that all I needed was a trip to the RE to get me pregnant. What a foolish thought. 

Cue Nervous Breakdown

About 15 minutes ago my door bell rang and I have been sobbing ever since. The tears that wouldn't come for the last two days finally came and now they won't stop. What prompted this breakdown?

My friend who got her surprise/miracle BFP yesterday sent me these beautiful flowers.  Before the doorbell even rang I had a feeling they were from her.  I sat the bouquet on the table and read the card, "To Megan. Love, A." That's all it needed to say. In those four words, I knew everything she was saying to me.  Most women don't now how much a pregnancy announcement hurts when you're infertile, but she does. She has been in my shoes and she knows how broken my heart is right now. I know she knows I'm happy for her but that I am also grieving.  In the time she should be jumping for joy with happiness, she took the time to think of me in my sorrow. Just goes to show what a wonderful person and friend she truly is.
I fell down on my stairs and began to sob uncontrollably.  In that moment, infertility won.  Hell, infertility has defeated me this entire week. I wanted to call someone, to be comforted, to not feel so broken but I had no one I could call. No one in my real life understands what this is like. Tomorrow is a new day and I can only hope that it is better but I have little faith that it will be as I've started cramping already.

If there was ever a time to say this, it's now: "FUCK YOU INFERTILITY!!!,

Envy, Pride and Football.

Mike and I wanted to go to this match since we got home from England. Remember I blogged a bit about the ManU/Barcelona game that was going on when we were in London?  We got lucky and ended up finding a girl on post with tickets that she needed to sell. We got both tickets for the price of what one normally cost so we got a good deal! It was my first professional soccer match and so much fun, even if the Sounders did get their asses whooped by the bloody English. It was a beautiful day to watch a game. About 75-78 degrees and the sun was peeking out through the clouds. The whole entry of the players, the music and the waving of the flags reminded me of a Quidditch match--dork alert!   I thought that the Sounders would be able to at least hang with Man U, and they did for the first half, but the second half was just shameful.  It was a friendly, which means that it doesn't go on either teams' record and it was just for fun, so Seattle took out some of their best players after half time. Exchanged their goal keeper and several other key players. At about this same time Man U put in Rooney who is probably their best player.  He scored two goals before my brother was even back from his bathroom break. Six goals in the second half by Man U. Sounders lost 7 to nil. That's like losing a football game 40 to zero. lt'd be like the Yankees traveling to England and playing them in baseball. The level of play in the MLS vs. the European League was obvious. It was still a fantastic time though and I'm glad my  brother was nice enough to give up his cozy corporate box ticket to come sit in the nose bleeds with his baby sister since Mike couldn't come (He gave his ticket to another co-worker so it all worked out.) We want to go to another game soon, an inter-league game so that the level of play is more equal.
 
One of the plus sides to NOT being pregnant is that I can consume as much tasty beer as I want but at $9 a pop in the stadium, I limited myself to two. Both CenturyLink field (where the Sounders and Seahawks play) and Safeco Field (where the Mariners play) have great beer selections and veggie options for food so it's always a great time going to any sporting event.

Me & my big brother.

Sound Wave

National Anthem

Beautiful Seattle

Emerald City Supporters

Largest MLS crowd in Pacific NW history!

Score at Full Time. Wow.

So for a full 90 minutes last night I got to forget the reality of infertility. I forgot about that "not an apology" e-mail I got and still have no idea how to respond to.  I forgot about the "left behind" feeling I got when I found out that a dear e-friend of mine, who has also been struggling with infertility, got a natural BFP yesterday and is six weeks pregnant. I'm sure all of you know what feeling I'm talking about. You say you're happy for them, you SHOULD be happy for them but the actual feeling of happiness, of pure elation, never comes and because it doesn't come, the guilt and resentment starts to overtake you.
It's one thing to be jealous of my friend who just announced via FB that baby #3, an R&R baby, is on its way. She didn't have to "work" for any of her babies. As a matter of fact, this is the same friend who told me to "just have fun with it!" and that I would get pregnant. Her own sister "struggled" for a year, but they weren't really trying because she had a big cruise and didn't want to be pregnant in a bikini. Gag me. Her sister did end up being diagnosed as annovulatory but got pregnant on her first cycle of Clomid and now has a beautiful baby boy. I can't resent my friend too much because she knows virtually nothing on the pain of true infertility and I don't feel guilty for the animosity I have toward her right now.
Feeling resentment toward my miraculous-natural-bfp friend is a completely different story. I can't post too many details because she hasn't announced her pregnancy on the interwebs yet and I don't want to give anything away, but I feel so guilty having all these feelings of bitterness, exclusion, jealousy and envy. This is a women who has STRUGGLED to get the baby in her womb. Hell, she and I have "known" each other since Mike and I first started TTC in Feb 2008. She was there for me when Mike deployed a second time and she's basically the first person I talk to when I need to vent. We've basically been through hell and back together and she was told she'd never be able to have kids naturally, that she'd need the help of IVF with ICSI and yet she's pregnant. All on her own. A true miracle and all I can think is "When is it going to be my turn?" and feel left behind, which is SO selfish and self-centered. So, dear e-friend, I know you're reading this and I do want you to know that I am so, so happy and excited for you but right now all those "dark and twisty" feelings are taking over. I'll be better in a few days.

Today I am 12dpiui. The 2ww is almost over and so far I have zero spotting, no sore boobs, no bloating, nothing. I have little faith that this cycle is going to be it. It hurts too much to hope anymore. Tomorrow we have a FRG picnic to attend on post. I'm semi looking forward to it but not really. Most people would look at it as an opportunity to make new friends (which we badly need) but all I can think is, "Oh great. 300 new people to ask me, yet again, if we want kids." I hope it's not too difficult.I really wish I could hop a cab to Tiffany's to get rid of these mean reds.

Today's Not Any Better

I haven't slept well the past two nights because Mike's been ill. We thought it was a side effect from the new back meds he got on Monday but when I took him to sick call this morning the doc told him there's a nasty virus going around. I really hope I don't catch it. Mike's back to work though so I have the whole house to myself. Ahhh, peace and quiet! Just what I need because today's not any better than yesterday.  I feel like I'm on the verge of tears but they just won't come.

Friend from yesterday is already wishing her pregnancy away. She also wrote me this message on facebook and I'm not really sure how to take it.

Megan, I know that you have read my post and are probaly hurting from what you read! I thought hard and for a few days before posting.. Due to your situation. But, as my many of my friends have said " you would understand" I really hope you do.. It is the only way to let alot of our family know w/out having to call each and everyone of them. If you choose to keep reading our fb page you know we do not post alot. So you know that there would not be alot of baby news.. But, that is your decision!! I just want you to know that this is not an apology to you.. That this is just what it is a preggo announcement.. I really do hope and I do pray for yall' al the time that it happens for you...I do beleive that you and Mikey would make wonderful parents.....
I am hoping to hear from you soon,
Kim 

I wish she would have e-mailed me before blasting it on facebook but I guess too much to ask for, especially considering we haven't spoken in a few months.  I don't know how to interpret the "This is not an apology to you."  I don't know if she meant "I don't want you to feel even worse by having me apologize to you" or "I do not feel the need to apologize to you because you need to get over yourself."  I don't even know how to respond and I certainly don't have it in me to call her.  Last week I was so stoked that they might be coming here but what will I do if they do? I hate this.

I found this article just a bit ago and it describes how I feel so perfectly.

"It’s not because you’re not happy for them, but it’s because they are living your dream right in front of you."

I almost wish she wouldn't have emailed me at all because it only made me feel worse. Hopefully I will be cheered up tonight because I'm going to the Sounders vs Manchester United match in Seattle. Mike was suppose to go with me but I'm taking my brother instead. I'm thinking about wearing my red shirt with a Sounders scarf but the Seattleites probably wouldn't like that too much. So I'll wear my lime green, cheer, chant and sing. At least there will be beer there.

Last night's official coin toss on top of the Space Needle

P.S.  The flood gates have been opened.

Works of A.R.T.

Well, I started my new Etsy shop and I listed my very first item today. I decided to call my shop "Works of A.R.T." and I plan to carry items catering to those who have beaten infertility. Whether they became parents with the help of A.R.T or through adoption, my goal is to have something for everyone. From my Etsy profile, "I am an Army Wife stationed at Fort Lewis. I took up sewing as a distraction during my husband's second deployment to Iraq. It was love at first stitch and now I enjoy making all sorts of things! My husband and decided to add to our family in 2008 but things didn't quite go as planned. In 2010, we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility and after dozens of tests, numerous procedures, and months of fertility drugs we have decided to move on to in vitro fertilization or IVF. I started Works of A.R.T. with the hope that this little Etsy shop would help make our dreams of parenthood a reality.

I'll slowly get more added  to the shop but Mike's still home with a bad back and ACUnique is taking up most of my free time. My next project is to work on a Rainbow Baby onesie since I know a friend of mine wants one!

I'm not allowed to advertise my shop on The Bump so I'd appreciate it if my readers would help get the word out.  All my profits from the shop will go directly towards funding our IVF.

One of THOSE Days

Today I am 10dpIUI. I have zero symptoms and little hope that this actually worked.  The upside is that I'm not spotting yet. The downside is that that doesn't mean anything.  I just woke and infertility has already won.  I logged on to facebook only to get slapped in the face with this, "This family of four is going to be a family of five in March!!!" This is a friend I haven't spoken to in months because she kept telling me to relax, just have fun with it and not actually try.  I basically haven't talked to her since we started seeing the RE.  When Mike went TDY back to Ft. Drum in October, he texted me pictures of him and their newborn that I posted.
Now she's pregnant again and here's the real kicker--this baby was conceived during R&R. TWO WEEKS HOME AND SHE GETS PREGNANT!  

She called me out of the blue last week because the might be coming to Lewis next spring, which I was so excited about because they were some of our best friends from Ft. Drum. Now I know why she never called me back. =(  I'm mad that I allowed myself to actually entertain the thought, "Maybe we'll have babies together!"  How is that even possible, that after all this time, I still have hope? Mike's response to everything was literally, "Mmm." and he told me not to be mad about it. This is why I can't fucking talk to him about anything. All I want is for him to acknowledge how I'm feeling. To ask me if I'm okay. To comfort me. Is that too much to ask? I'm glad our infertility is so fucking easy for him.  Today is going to be one of those days. Infertility has won.

Holy Crap!

I am on the cover of this week's JBLM Spouses Magazine! I am still in shock. When the lady contacted me about an article she said she didn't know if her editor would like the story so I had no idea if it was even going to be published, let alone make the front page!!! What an amazing opportunity.  I need to buy a new ink cartridge so that I can print and frame it for my sewing room!

 

Click here to read the article

They're Famous!

I have been a huuuuuge Titanic dork since I was in the sixth grade, two years before the movie even came out. I saw the IMAX movie about the first Titanic dive on a field trip and have been hooked ever since. I've seen Titanic: The Exhibtion and absolutely loved it. I read anything and everything I can get my hands on, I've got the reprint of the New York Times that was printed the day after Titanic sank, I just love Titanic history!
Recently, my sister and her family took a trip to the new Titanic Museum in Pigeon Forge and were interviewed for the local news station. I'm so jealous! Most of the closeups of the people in this video of are my niece, nephew, sister and brother in law! :)

Click on link and then click "Tour of The Titanic"

http://www.volunteertv.com/ourtown/headlines/Our_Town_Titanic_125660798.html

Flame Free Confession

Mike threw his back out on Saturday and by Tuesday he was in the ER having extremely painful back spasms. I drove to post to bring him home since he was put on quarters and he's been in a persistent daze ever since. Here comes to the confession part: He is driving me absolutely crazy! I feel terrible for him because he's in pain and I hate seeing him that way but I am soooo ready for him to go back to work. Today he quizzed me about everything that I have on our top shelf in the fridge--like my curry paste. "It's been in there forever." Yes, it has but it takes months to use an entire jar of curry paste unless you're having a curry every.single.night for dinner. Then he proceeded to ask questions about all the little notes I've jotted down on my dry erase calendar. As a matter of fact, he's actually bugging me right now. "What are you doing? Who are you writing?" and talking to the realtors on the TLC show I'm watching.  I know most of it is the drugs he's on, oxycodone and diazepam, but I am seriously ready to strangle him. Who knows, maybe it's a combination of his drugs coupled with the fact that I've been on effing fertility drugs for five months.

Operation: Procreation??

So I've been thinking these last few days about how we will come up with the money for IVF. I already have a business making military items but I was thinking about opening an Etsy shop with pre-made items geared specifically toward infertility survivors. Onesies with sayings such as, "i was worth the wait" and "Mom and Dad spent my college fund making me!" I might even be able to make adult shirts, I don't know. Everything would be pre-made so that it wouldn't take too much time away from ACUnique.

I think it could be successful. I mean, I would rather buy a shirt like this from a fellow IFer than Cafe Press or something like that. Even if it only does moderately well, some money is better than no money, right? Of course this would totally suck if I never end up pregnant but I'm trying not to think like that. So...I need your help. I need ideas for a shop name. Operation: Procreation is a possibility but I'm open to suggestions. Also, give me your cutest ideas for onesie sayings!

Here are some I found while surfing the web:

• I was worth the wait
• Mom and Dad spent my college fund making me
• Frosty Baby
• Maternity shirt with "FINALLY!" on the belly area
• You think I'm cute now? You should have seen me as an EMBRYO
• I am Mommy's Dream come true
• Mommy & Daddy's little miracle
• Fertility drugs rock!
• I'm a miracle!
• ICSIBABY
• I'm a work of A.R.T.
• My parents did IVF and now all they can afford is this lousy t-shirt
• I'm proof that miracles do happen
• I'm a Rainbow Baby
• Second Mortgage

IUI #3

Well, it's done! I have been sperminated.  We had to drive up to Seattle for the procedure since the satellite clinic in Tacoma isn't open on the weekends. It was a beautiful day though and we were able to have lunch on Lake Union, in the harbor, while they were doing the semen washing.

Mike was a rock star again---completely blowing the normal ranges out of the water. His count was lower than the previous two IUIs but still very good. I joked with him and said that his count last month was super high because of all the fortification from the English beer.

I had some cramping and spotting last night but nothing too terrible. Today my right side is definitely feeling twinges and fullness so I know I must be O'ing today. So begins the two week wait. I hope it goes by quickly for me and all of you as well.

On the drive home yesterday I was talking to Mike about how last summer the doctors told us he might have a motility problem and how upset I was thinking that we'd have to do IUI to get pregnant. I never thought we'd be where we are now.  A year ago the idea of needing medical help to conceive was unfathomable and now look at us! IUI #3 done and moving onto surgery and IVF. For anyone at the beginning of your infertility journey, my suggestion to you is to keep an open mind about treatments. Never say, "I'll never do that" because you won't really know the decision you'll make until you're ready to cross that bridge. I still can't believe that we are going to need the help of IVF to grow our family or that we even had to make a decision like this!

Yesterday we bought Seattle Sounders vs Man UTD tickets for the 20th. Super excited as I've never been to a professional football/soccer game and after seeing all the crazed football fans in London we can't wait! The girl I bought the tickets from is an Army wife as well. A new Army Wife. Class of 2010 and almost halfway through her pregnancy.  The thoughts running through my head weren't so nice and I'm pretty sure I'd get in a hellofalot of trouble for throat punching a pregnant lady, right?  Infertility is so unfair.

This is It.

My appointment didn't start off so well. I arrived at the infertility clinic and it was really, really busy. I guess it is because they are doing an IVF cycle right now. When I gave the receptionist my ID she asked, "Did they just book this appointment?" She didn't have me down! This is the appointment I had to fight for last week, remember? I was about to lose it on someone but luckily they straightened it out and I had a seat in the waiting area. It's always so lovely when I have to wait for an extended period of time considering the OB booking desk is just on the other side of the infertility clinic. Whoever planned the layout of the new clinic is a total idiot.

While I was waiting I saw a lady come in once, get sent away and then come in a second time absolutely furious. They hadn't put in her labs---sound familiar? At least I'm not the only one having such a hard time with them. 

Mike ended up being able to come with me since he finished at the range early so we both went back to the room and waited to see the doc. The nurse had me down taking Clomid, that I was 5' 6" and day 14 on my cycle. Double you tee eff. This clinic really needs to get it's shit together. My blood pressure was high and she asked, "Do you normally have high blood pressure or just when you come to see us?" Oh if she only knew.

Once again, my left ovary was taking the month off but I have several follies on my right. One 19.5 that is nice and ripe and several smaller ones that won't be doing anything. I got my trigger shot and we're going up to Seattle tomorrow for IUI #3.

Dr. C sat and talked with us for a long while, which was very much appreciated considering everything that is going on.  He talked to me about my low AMH and said that it does mean that we're working against a clock but that we shouldn't be too concerned just yet. If I don't get pregnant this cycle we will do CD3 labs at my request though he feels like they unnecessary because of my everything else in my cycle is normal.  Because I'm 27 he would expect the quality of my eggs to still be good but obviously this is only something we can figure out once we get to the IVF stage. For now he presented us with a few options:
#1 Continue to do ovulation induction and IUI. We could definitely continue doing this but the cumulative success rate for IUI decreases each month. He feels that there wouldn't be much point in continuing this protocol after IUI #3 since most women who achieve pregnancy do so in the first three months.  Plus, that's money that could go into our IVF fund.
#2 Diagnostic laparosocopy. This is highly recommended before pursuing IVF and there is the chance they could get in there and be able to "fix" whatever it is that is keeping me from conceiving on my own.

#3 IUI with stims. He doesn't normally like to do this because the risk of OHSS is so high coupled with increased risk of multiples. He said that IUI + stims shows no increased chance of conception when compared to clomid or femara cycles. It'd basically be a more aggressive protocol than what  we're doing now but without an increased chance of getting pregnant. 
#4 Move straight to IVF.  Well, not really. There's still the long ass waiting list of course. We did find out, however, that IVF without ICSI is closer to 6k and with ICSI is around 8k (I'm guessing the 7,500 that Dr. B. told us about last time.) The wait time may actually decrease because they are going to start doing cycles more regularly plus people PCS, get pregnant on their own or just decide to take themselves off the list entirely. Dr. C said we might be able to cycle as soon as 6-8 months. Until then, I guess we'll be trying the old fashioned way. It didn't work for us for the first 20 months so there's no reason to think it'd work now.

Overall it was a great appointment. I really appreciated the time he took to sit and talk with us about our concerns; I just wish he'd done it sooner.  Who knows? Maybe he doesn't talk to his patients about all the options because most of them get pregnant right away?  I really wish the logistics of the clinic would get worked out though. They seriously need to work on scheduling and following through with things. 

 It's so bizzare to be moving forward with IVF and feeling total okay with it. I remember how upset I was last summer when we thought Mike had low motility and that we'd have to do IUI to get pregnant. The idea of not being able to get pregnant on my own was heart wrenching and now I can talk about IUI and IVF in my sleep. Mike and I have talked about it and agreed that while the idea of surgery completely sucks, that is the option we need to go with for now.  Surgery will most likely be late August or September. At this point, we've also agreed for this to be our final IUI and to start saving for IVF. If I don't get pregnant I will be calling the clinic on day one and scheduling my lap. After that, we'll see where to go from there....

Words.

This quote perfectly describes what I'm feeling right now. I don't even want to do IUI this cycle because I feel like there's no point. I'm numb to it all but I'm scared to give up. We've waited for so long to get to this point. I can't remember the last time I prayed and I actually stopped myself from praying last night. Again, what's the point? Not that I was ever an incredibly religious person but infertility has completely shaken  stolen my faith.

I have to leave in a few hours for my follie check and already my mind is drawing a blank on what I need to say to the doctor. I know I need to advocate for myself but I'm not sure how to do it without #1 being disrespectful and burning bridges or #2 going completely hormonal and crying. I guess I need to sit down with a pen and paper and write down everything I want to say to him.

Expect another entry later tonight, revealing all the details of my appointment. Wish me luck.

Same Book, Different Pages

I got super excited this evening when I read about a clinic in the area that is off post AND accepts Tricare. According to the lady, all I'd need to do is call Tricare directly and request a referral to go to this particular infertility clinic. She did IVF there and just had a baby last August. ::cue excitement::

I started telling Mike about this and waited for his response. He had nothing to say so I asked for his input and he said that I didn't want to hear it. He got all sorts of pissy with me! He doesn't understand why I want to switch clinics or why I am upset about my low AMH since I haven't talked to the doctor yet.  I feel like I can't talk to him about anything infertility related because he doesn't like to see me all worked up or emotional. He told me that I never say anything positive and when I asked him what is positive about our situation he said, "We know a lot more now than we did when we first started." True, we do know more but we still don't have answers.

I know he and I look at things a lot differently but it is so frustrating to feel that I'm in this alone and can't talk to him about anything, that he doesn't want to hear it.  Sometimes I feel like we're reading the same book but I'm pages ahead of him. He has yet to read a single book on infertility and tends to rely on me for information but never really gives any input other than to "not get worked up" or "wait to see what the doc says." Yet, I hear him telling other people about our IF journey and he tells them how frustrating it is, how much the clinic on post sucks, how it's unfair, etc. Why can't he talk to me that way? He wouldn't even admit that we had a fertility problem until he actually heard it from a doctor, despite our 20+ months of TTC. Well, I'm on Cycle 31 now and I'm still not pregnant. Would he feel the same way if he was the one with the fertility problems?  I told him that we're on completely different pages. He's not speaking to me now. Oh, and I'll be going to my follicle check tomorrow alone thanks to range qualifications. Fucking brilliant.

When I found out IUI #2 didn't work, I didn't even cry. I am numb. I feel like there isn't even point to hoping anymore.

So...what do you do when you and your spouse aren't on the same page during your infertility journey?

Houston, We Have a Problem

For months I have been repeatedly requesting further testing. After all, how can you be diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" if you haven't been tested for everything? My RE's office assured me that everything was fine and that since I'm "so young" and my cycles are regular that it would be really rare for me to have any hormonal issues. They were wrong and they couldn't even be bothered to call me with the results themsevles.

Yesterday I went to post to pick up my prescription for Femara. I drove the 40 minutes to the hospital only for there to be nothing in the system--the nurse didn't put in the order. So I had to track down the nurse but the doctor wasn't available to sign the script since he was in surgery. While I was waiting I went to Outpatient Records and requested a copy of all my charts pertaining to the infertility clinic. It was an intersting read--no one ever told me that my HSG showed I had a "filling defect," whatever that is.  My hysteroscopy was clear though so the HSG results don't really matter. The most interesting part was my lab results from two weeks ago. Remember the "proactive doctor?" I thought he was checking me for the CF mutation and checking my thyroid levels. The good news is that I am negative for the CF mutation. The bad news is that he didn't check my thyroid but he checked my AMH instead.  AMH is one of the tests that I have been requesting because it is standard for ANY fertility work up.

AMH stands for Anti-Mullerian Hormone. Women are born with a certain number of eggs. What they're born with is all they'll have in their entire life.  This hormone is an indicator of a woman's remaining egg supply otherwise known as ovarian reserve.  Typically, the younger the woman, the higher the hormone count. According to this chart a women of my age should have a count of 2.1 or higher. Mine was .85 or equivalent to someone 40+.  Insert shocked face.

This information would have been awfully helpful 10 months ago when I first started seeing the RE started taking medications that could diminish my ovarian reserve even more. I remember on my first appointment, on 20 Sep 10, asking for more blood work and them assuring me that it was unnecessary. At nearly every appointment I have questioned the doctor and asked for more testing. I was told that because of my age it was unnecessary. Repeatedly, I was assured that my fertility should not be questioned because of my age and my regular cycles.  I should have never listened to them. I should have been more persistent.  Maybe the test results are wrong but I do know that they had better do further testing on me. CD3, antral follicle count, etc.

So what does this mean for us? Honestly, I have no idea. Is IVF our only option? If it is, it would have been nice to know that a year ago since the waiting list is so long.  Does the age and quality of my eggs are bad? Can I even conceive at all? These are all questions that I will have to talk to my doctor about at my follie check on Friday which, by the way, I had to fight for.  They tried to tell me they were completely booked but I insisted that I had to be seen since I'm starting a new drug. Can you believe that? A RE who will prescribe fertility drugs to a patient and not do any monitoring? They ended up double booking me and told me that I could be waiting awhile but I assured them that I'd rather wait than not be seen at all.  I think I need to take a few hours, read through my old blogs and take a trip to patient advocacy.  I think I have a good case for being referred off post.  The care I have been receiving has been greatly lacking, it's a fight almost every month to get an appointment and the potential DOR thing should have been diagnosed much, much sooner instead of brushing me off because of my age. They also could have had the courtesy to call me with my lab results instead of me finding out by going to patient records.  At this point I am just so baffled.  I'm  frustrated, hurt, angry, stressed and scared.

I honestly have no idea what and of this means for us or if I'm totally overreacting. So.....advice? Insight? Have any of you been diagnosed with low AMH? Any of my military readers have any experience dealing with patient advocacy?