5 Weeks.

5 Weeks

Symptoms:  Mostly fatigue--I'm tired all the time.  I'm still crampy every now and then but not nearly as much as last week. My breasts also feel really heavy and tender. Oh and hunger. It seems like I'm hungry all.the.time. People keep saying "I think there's multiples in there!" which is making me feel huge. Not quite sure how I'm supposed to take comments like that...
Total weight gain/loss: +4 pounds since the beginning of my IVF.
Maternity clothes? Still just the BeBand from Tar.get.
Sleep:  I'm finally sleeping more soundly, only getting up 3 or 4 times a night to pee. Thankfully I'm able to go to sleep right after now! Maybe the insomnia is going away?

Best moment this week: Mike seeing my t-shirt a little more stretched than usual last night and me catching him smiling at my belly. Oh and finding out that SIL's IVF worked too and she's due two days after me. Partners in crime! Lastly, (because apparently I can't choose just one best moment!) my doctor just called with Beta #2 results. "Normal" doubling time would have put me around 2000.  Mine was 4009. =)
Movement:   It's way too early. 
Food cravings:  Nothing specific. Everything tastes so.damn.good.
Gender:  Too early.
Labor Signs:  Nope.
Belly Button in or out?  In.
What I miss:  Having energy to do stuff.
What I am looking forward to: Seeing our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) at our first ultrasound on 12/30.
Next Appointment: Next Wednesday for Beta #3
Weekly Wisdom:  There is no preparing for how tired pregnancy will make you.
Milestones: I'm still riding the "Holy crap, I'm pregnant!" high.

"I think there's something there that wasn't there before...."

This week has been a rough week. On Wednesday the identities of the four pilots were announced and Mike's spent the past two days out at the crash site. The Memorial Service is scheduled for Monday at 1400. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through it but I know I need to be there to show my respects as well as to support my husband. Keep sending some good thoughts in the direction of the Pacific Northwest, I know they'd be much appreciated by everyone affected by this tragedy.

I have been thinking a lot about this blog and the direction it is going to take from here on out since This Space is no longer For Rent.   I've been blogging about infertility for so long that I'm almost at a loss as to what to write about now. I highly doubt that you all want to read about every.single.day. of my pregnancy and I know that I've probably lost a few followers due to my pregnancy and that's okay because I totally understand the need for self-preservation. I'm still at the awkward stage where I'm not sure where I belong:  I want to jump for joy, start buying baby things and leave all the infertility woes behind me. But I'm scared. I had a horrible dream about the "m" word last night and woke up completely freaked out. Then there's all the guilt that goes along with beating infertility. Don't get me wrong, I know that I still have a very long way to go before I win the war but just getting a positive pregnancy test is winning part of the battle and I know there are many women who have not made it to this point yet. Women who are still hurting. If you're one of those women I want you to know that I'm still thinking of you. I haven't forgotten your pain and I hate that you're still going through this. I wrote this post in August and I am still trying really hard not to be "that girl."

"It's a Sickness."

Hello, my name is Megan and I am a POAS addict. It's a sickness.  Always have been but it has been particularly bad since we started treatments. I've tested like this after every.single.IUI. which makes the fact that we actually got a BFP this cycle all the more amazing.  A few people in my life don't understand that apparently and I feel like they're trying to burst my bubble, whether they mean to or not. They've asked me about false positives and doubted my pregnancy because it hasn't been confirmed by a doctor. ::sigh::  I guess I'm still in such shock that I'm in a position to be easily persuaded that it might not be true.

Is there really any denying this?

Yesterday I went to the garage and pulled down a long forgotten box. I've been collecting baby clothes since 2006, when my neighbors started offering me hand-me-downs.  I haven't purchased many items but the ones I have purchased are so special. They've been tucked away for years (purchased after I naively thought I'd get pregnant right away) and I pulled them out yesterday just so I could look at them. I really hope I get to keep them out and actually use them in nine months.

Punk Rock Baby.

Vintage Tattoo Hot Sling

I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I really don't think there's any denying that I am pregnant but having a medical professional confirm it will help me feel better.....I hope. I told Mike last night that I feel like this is a total mind fuck because of all my "symptoms." I don't know what's a side effect of the PIO versus a pregnancy symptom and I don't know what's real and what's just in my head. It's just crazy.  I feel on the verge of tears all.the.time..  Yesterday I was starving but nothing sounded or tasted good. I had three different dinners before settling on a bowl of cereal, which I had to force myself to eat.  I finally got the courage to vacuum because I fight a never-ending battle of fur control. It exhausted me. Luckily, my amazing sister sent me the most awesome gift for the days when I don't feel like doing anything: The complete series of Gilmore Girls--my FAVORITE. I've been DVRing re-runs for years but now I don't have to anymore!

Since finding out I am pregnant I have had a very difficult time with "survivors guilt" and being on the other side of infertility. How do you deal with the guilt of getting pregnant while so many others are still struggling? Several months ago, I started a local support group for infertiles and now I have no idea how to act around them. In the rules of my group I ask that everyone practice sensitivity in announcing BFPs or talking about their children if they're dealing with secondary IF. We're having a lunch get together on the 17th and I feel like I have no business going now. I feel guilty for answering questions about how I'm feeling. I just don't want to be the one to rub salt in anyone's wounds.  I read a cycle buddy's blog last night and unfortunately her IVF ended with a BFN. My heart broke for her as I read her words because up until three days ago I could literally have imagined myself writing a blog entry very similar to hers. I don't expect everyone to be sincerely happy for me. I've been in there.  I know how absolutely devastating someone else's BFP can be. I don't want my happiness to cause anyone's heartache but I've waited nearly four years to celebrate and I deserve to be happy, right?  Even if I am only 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I feel like I no longer belong in the IF community but I definitely can not relate to the "I-got-pregnant-on-a-whim" community (I joined Pregnant Fort Lewis wives last night. Gag me, seriously).  I am just not sure how to deal with this.

Behind Enemy Lines

First, thank you for all the kind words and congratulations yesterday.  The amount of love we have received thus far has been amazingly awesome. I am so blessed.

At one point or another, every infertile woman has drawn a line in her mind between "us" and "them." The "pregnants" and the "un-pregnants."  Up until yesterday I was part of the "un-pregnants" for years and whether I liked it or not, I often considered the "pregnants" my enemies. Not because I hated them or wished bad things on them but because they were living my dream in front of me.  It was self preservation.  The Maternity/Baby Department in any store was like enemy territory, like the land of Mor.dor, only in place of orks and fire there were adorable outfits and the tiniest socks known to man kind, sitting on the shelves and taunting me. For an infertile, even walking in the vicinity of a maternity department was like walking the perimeter of a mine field.


Around 2:30 yesterday I finally got the courage to move off my bed, shower and head to the store.  Yesterday, I ventured into enemy territory, the Maternity Department at Target.  It.was.scary.  I felt like I didn't belong, like all eyes were on me and I had absolutely no business being there. However, I was on a mission, the hunt for a solution to the "my-pants-don't-fit" quandary.

My pants haven't fit since I started taking the IVF drugs and the only ones that have been comfortable have been my elastic waist pajama pants. Last Sunday, when we went to see The Muppets, I had to pull out my stretchy "fat jeans" because the normal ones weren't cooperating (I blamed the dryer.)  Even the fat jeans were becoming uncomfortable after I ate a few handfuls  half  the bag of popcorn. The hair-tie-through-the-belt-loop trick wasn't working anymore because my zipper wouldn't stay up.  had seen many discussions on the IF boards about a product at Target that helps to keep your pants up when you have to leave them unbuttoned, how they were helpful with early pregnancy bloat or even after meal of Thanksgiving proportions.  In spite of my newly pregnant status, I now felt justified in buying one of these belly bands and so I raced into the Maternity Department, grabbed what I needed and raced out. I didn't feel like I had any business being there but my mission was accomplished. Who knew that a piece of nylon/cotton blend could feel so damn heavenly? Hooray for comfort! Hooray for pants that won't fall down or squish Bunsen and Beaker! Oh, and I totally ordered a decaf White Chocolate Mocha at Star.bucks, just because I now have a real reason to need a decaf coffee.

I managed to make it out of the store with only six pregnancy tests: three FRERs and three CBE Digitals. Overkill? Perhaps.  I was so worried that I was going to wake up in the morning and it was all going to be a dream. I wanted plenty of tests to prove otherwise....and they did not fail. I got another beautiful BFP this morning, two gorgeous pink lines (twin girls!--haha). I still can't believe I'm pregnant. I hope this feeling never ends.

FRER confirmed this morning. The test line is much darker than it appears in the picture.

Just a few more memories things from yesterday that I don't want to forget:

• Getting a text from my 13 y/o niece saying she was very excited to have another cousin.
• My sister telling me that her whole body was smiling for us.
• Mike's grandma telling him that we need to be sure to put headphones on my belly so that the baby(ies) will know ALL the Disney songs in preparation for our trips to Disneyland/Disney World. She knows us well.
• Mike telling me that he couldn't stop staring at pictures of the tests and seeing his HUGE grin when he got home from work. Oh and him telling me that he couldn't concentrate at work at all yesterday.
• Toasting my pregnancy with non-alcoholic Beck's.  I love beer and will miss it dearly. I had hoped that this would be a good substitute during my pregnancy (holy crap, MY pregnancy!) but BLECH! Still, a non-alcoholic beer toast was much more "us" than a sparkling cider toast.
  
  

I'm still feeling crampy and I went to bed at 7:45 last night--I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was up at 0430 to POAS. Every twinge is terrifying but I'm trying very hard to focus on the positive and even allowed myself to 'talk pregnancy' with my sister. She has a few books to send me and I will gladly welcome them, especially since my dear, sweet husband is totally clueless when it comes to pregnancy and babies.  When my niece Charlotte was born in October, I flew out to Ohio to help my sister with everything after her c-section.  On Charlotte's second day of life, when she was still in the hospital, Mike asked me how my sister and BIL were doing and if Charlotte had slept through the night. I just laughed at him. Yesterday he told me that his family had asked him when we'd find out the gender(s) of the baby(ies) and he told them we'd know in a few weeks.  I just stared at him and asked why he thought that. He has thought we'd be able to find out when we have our first ultrasound at the end of the month. Poor, clueless man. It's not his fault though--he's never been around a pregnant woman (other than as a casual acquaintance)  or spent much time around newborns. He'd never even changed a diaper until he was left in charge of Madeline while my sister and I made a quick run to the store. I called to check on him and he informed me that Madeline woke up from her nap, needed to be changed and that he couldn't talk because he needed to get the "ingredients" together. Ha! I asked him last night if he'd read some baby books and he scowled and said no. So, I need to find "manly" pregnancy books. Perhaps something with car parts and tools on the cover....

Happy St. Nicholas Day!!!

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and St. Nicholas Day has always been very special to me. This year I got a very special gift: Santa brought me my first BFP. That's right, friends, I'm pregnant.

I am 6dp5dt and I woke up at 0430 and took a test. Nothing showed up at first and I felt so defeated but then, very slowly, a shadow of a line began to show and pretty soon there was a very faint but clear line. I just stared at it. I couldn't believe it. In almost four years, I have never, ever seen even a shadow of a second line that I didn't have to stare at cross eyed to see. It was a few minutes before I felt sure of that second little line and I went into the bedroom and shook Mike awake. He stirred and I asked if he was awake and as soon as I got a grunt of confirmation I blurted out, "There's two lines." He said, "I was dreaming about you peeing on a stick...." Then he hugged me and I started to ugly cry. Then we ran into the bathroom to stare at the test. Mike immediately said, "I see it!" Then we stared some more and Mike said, "We're staring....at your pee." Yes, yes we were. It was so funny that I had to commemorate it with a picture.

Quidditch is clearly oblivious to the epic event taking place in front of his very eyes.

Mike jokingly said, "There's two lines so that means there's two of them in there right?" to which I responded "Yeah and they're both pink so that means they're girls." I congratulated him and said, "Good job Mike. I'm KTFU" and he immediately said, "Hey now, no need to cuss in front of the little ears." Mike had to leave for work shortly after the Great HPT Staring Event of 2011 but he left the house in all smiles.  I took a second test and I thought for sure nothing would show up because it wasn't FMU but it turned up positive too! They lines are very light but they're there. Holy crap, I'm pregnant.  It's been almost seven hours since I took my first test and I'm still wearing my pajamas and laying in bed. I'm terrified to move...except to run back into the bathroom to make sure the lines are still there.  I had planned to clean the house today but now I'm scared to vacuum. I have no idea what to do with myself. Beta is scheduled for Friday and the clinic says that unless I start spotting then I should stick with that plan. How will I ever make it to Friday? AND I'm out of pregnancy tests. I think a trip to Tar.get is necessary--#1 To buy more HPTs. #2 To go to Starbucks and REALLY have a reason to order a decaf White Chocolate Mocha and #3 If I don't get out of this house then I will go crazy for sure.

I am rejoicing but I am also so, so scared.  If I've learned one thing in my years on infertility boards it's that life is precious. I am trying very hard not to think of all the "what ifs" and to celebrate the moment.  Right now, I'm pregnant and I love Bunsen and Beaker. Estimated due date is 22 August 2012, three days after Mike's birthday--how special is that?  Both of us are in absolute shock and we've decided to tell our families. They've all been so supportive of us in this journey and no matter what happens tomorrow, two weeks or two months from now, today I am pregnant and we want to celebrate this miracle with our families. We may not get another opportunity to do so and we want to soak up every bit of this excitement. If you are a friend reading this, please, please do not post anything on Facebook or anywhere else. We are not telling anyone IRL except family for right now. Consider yourself one of the privileged. :)

I've already talked to my mom and one of my sisters and I plan to email my brothers later. I was debating on whether or not to tell my brother our news since they won't find out anything until their beta on Sunday. (For my new readers: my SIL have been days apart in our IVF cycles. My brother was dx with azospermia in August and the timing just worked out for us to have overlapping cycles. SIL has two kids from a previous marriage but they have none together.) I'm so afraid of them getting bad news and the incredible guilt that will come along with our success and their failure.  However, my mom told me something that almost made me turn into a puddle of emotions: She said, "Your brother told me that he really hoped it worked for you because he knew that if you didn't get pregnant you'd be devastated. He said that if this doesn't work for them then it's not the end of their world but he knows you'd be crushed." Cue tears.  I really, really hope my brother gets good news and that my sister-in-law and I have babies together. It would be amazing.

I want to thank each and every person who has helped me, supported me and encouraged me on this journey. I had my doubts as to whether this day would ever come.  You never know how comforting the words of an internet stranger can be until you go on a journey like this. A huge thank you also goes out to the ladies who donated meds to me when mine were held hostage in Customs.  This literally would not be happening right now if it weren't for you and I will forever be grateful. I am still thinking of each and every one of my dear friends who is still waiting on their miracles. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that your time comes soon too. ((HUGS))

So, without further adeiu....proof that I am indeed KTFU. This is a St. Nicholas Day to remember! Believe in Christmas miracles, I know I do.

P.S. After telling Mike, the second best part of my day was getting to tell my six year old niece, the Amazing Annabelle, that her good luck card brought me lots of luck and that she was going to have a new baby cousin. Her response? "Aww. You have a BABY?!?!? Now I can tell my friends....." <3

Envy, Pride and Football.

Mike and I wanted to go to this match since we got home from England. Remember I blogged a bit about the ManU/Barcelona game that was going on when we were in London?  We got lucky and ended up finding a girl on post with tickets that she needed to sell. We got both tickets for the price of what one normally cost so we got a good deal! It was my first professional soccer match and so much fun, even if the Sounders did get their asses whooped by the bloody English. It was a beautiful day to watch a game. About 75-78 degrees and the sun was peeking out through the clouds. The whole entry of the players, the music and the waving of the flags reminded me of a Quidditch match--dork alert!   I thought that the Sounders would be able to at least hang with Man U, and they did for the first half, but the second half was just shameful.  It was a friendly, which means that it doesn't go on either teams' record and it was just for fun, so Seattle took out some of their best players after half time. Exchanged their goal keeper and several other key players. At about this same time Man U put in Rooney who is probably their best player.  He scored two goals before my brother was even back from his bathroom break. Six goals in the second half by Man U. Sounders lost 7 to nil. That's like losing a football game 40 to zero. lt'd be like the Yankees traveling to England and playing them in baseball. The level of play in the MLS vs. the European League was obvious. It was still a fantastic time though and I'm glad my  brother was nice enough to give up his cozy corporate box ticket to come sit in the nose bleeds with his baby sister since Mike couldn't come (He gave his ticket to another co-worker so it all worked out.) We want to go to another game soon, an inter-league game so that the level of play is more equal.
 
One of the plus sides to NOT being pregnant is that I can consume as much tasty beer as I want but at $9 a pop in the stadium, I limited myself to two. Both CenturyLink field (where the Sounders and Seahawks play) and Safeco Field (where the Mariners play) have great beer selections and veggie options for food so it's always a great time going to any sporting event.

Me & my big brother.

Sound Wave

National Anthem

Beautiful Seattle

Emerald City Supporters

Largest MLS crowd in Pacific NW history!

Score at Full Time. Wow.

So for a full 90 minutes last night I got to forget the reality of infertility. I forgot about that "not an apology" e-mail I got and still have no idea how to respond to.  I forgot about the "left behind" feeling I got when I found out that a dear e-friend of mine, who has also been struggling with infertility, got a natural BFP yesterday and is six weeks pregnant. I'm sure all of you know what feeling I'm talking about. You say you're happy for them, you SHOULD be happy for them but the actual feeling of happiness, of pure elation, never comes and because it doesn't come, the guilt and resentment starts to overtake you.
It's one thing to be jealous of my friend who just announced via FB that baby #3, an R&R baby, is on its way. She didn't have to "work" for any of her babies. As a matter of fact, this is the same friend who told me to "just have fun with it!" and that I would get pregnant. Her own sister "struggled" for a year, but they weren't really trying because she had a big cruise and didn't want to be pregnant in a bikini. Gag me. Her sister did end up being diagnosed as annovulatory but got pregnant on her first cycle of Clomid and now has a beautiful baby boy. I can't resent my friend too much because she knows virtually nothing on the pain of true infertility and I don't feel guilty for the animosity I have toward her right now.
Feeling resentment toward my miraculous-natural-bfp friend is a completely different story. I can't post too many details because she hasn't announced her pregnancy on the interwebs yet and I don't want to give anything away, but I feel so guilty having all these feelings of bitterness, exclusion, jealousy and envy. This is a women who has STRUGGLED to get the baby in her womb. Hell, she and I have "known" each other since Mike and I first started TTC in Feb 2008. She was there for me when Mike deployed a second time and she's basically the first person I talk to when I need to vent. We've basically been through hell and back together and she was told she'd never be able to have kids naturally, that she'd need the help of IVF with ICSI and yet she's pregnant. All on her own. A true miracle and all I can think is "When is it going to be my turn?" and feel left behind, which is SO selfish and self-centered. So, dear e-friend, I know you're reading this and I do want you to know that I am so, so happy and excited for you but right now all those "dark and twisty" feelings are taking over. I'll be better in a few days.

Today I am 12dpiui. The 2ww is almost over and so far I have zero spotting, no sore boobs, no bloating, nothing. I have little faith that this cycle is going to be it. It hurts too much to hope anymore. Tomorrow we have a FRG picnic to attend on post. I'm semi looking forward to it but not really. Most people would look at it as an opportunity to make new friends (which we badly need) but all I can think is, "Oh great. 300 new people to ask me, yet again, if we want kids." I hope it's not too difficult.I really wish I could hop a cab to Tiffany's to get rid of these mean reds.

Not this month!

Okay, they are going to let me start the clomid without a followup appointment with the RE but I'm running into problems since I am going out of state for the holiday.  They are telling me I should probably just wait another month before starting Clomid, especially since it is my first cycle. She asked me if there was a reason I was so determined to start Clomid next month and I explained to her that we were just anxious because we had already been trying so long. I felt pretty stupid when I was explaining my reasoning--like a crazy infertile unmyrtle. :(

 According to FF my period is supposed to start on 25 November. I am flying out of state on November 24th. The RE requires me to take a pregnancy test on CD1 so I was thinking about fibbing a little and going on the 23rd before I leave.  I would have to call the RE's office and tell them that I started my period and then they will put in the Rx for the Clomid at the same time that they put in the order for the pregnancy test. Obviously I wouldn't actually start the clomid until I have full red flow but they have to cover their butts, I guess. The only issue now is that I have to be here to do an u/s on CD 12 and if I tell them that CD1 is the 23rd then that messes up the timing for my CD12 u/s since I will be out of state. Confused yet? :)
So yeah...it looks like I have to wait another month. :( Maybe I'll get that ever illusive post-HSG BFP this month. Here's hoping!