Just call me Betty, Bitter Betty.

It's amazing how much a good cry takes out of you. When Mike got home from work last night I showed him my flowers and immediately started to tear up again. He wrapped his arms around me and I the flood of emotions I've been bottling up inside for months just started pouring out.  It's not fair that 14 year olds can get pregnant on their first time having sex. Or the woman who will deliver a crack-addicted baby? Or the teenagers who just graduated high school? Or my friend who got knocked up on R&R? The friend who expected me to understand her facebook pregnancy announcement.  Why would she think otherwise? Fertile people don't know anything about what it's like to go through the pain of months of negatives, despite your perfect timing and accurate charting, numerous painful procedures and tests or what it's like to have no idea the  actual number of people to have seen your vajayjay. They have no idea the incredible frustration we feel because we have no idea WHY I'm not getting pregnant. I've had friends say that they were really concerned and were so upset when they weren't pregnant after 2-3 months. You know what? Fuck you. Try 30. 30 God damn months.
How could anyone that gets pregnant so easily really understand that? I resent them. Call me bitter, but I resent them. Is it right for me to do so? No. After all, it's not their fault they are fertile fucking myrtle just as it's not my "fault" that my uterus is defective.
After my long cry, we curled up on the couch and watched Notting Hill, one of my all-time "feel good" movies. It's even better now that we've actually been to London.  Right now I have a potato casserole in the oven for the FRG picnic that I'm terrified to go to. After the week I've had, I don't think it will take much for someone to set me off and I am so tired of putting on a happy face because people don't know how to respond if I tell them what is really going on with us.  Combine that with the fact that I'm 13dpiui and most likely pms'ing, I wouldn't exactly call myself Susie Sunshine right now.

I've had zero spotting, which is abnormal for me since I normally spot 3-4 days before AF. No sore boobs, no bloating, nothing.  Fertility Friend has my test day as Sunday and I'm terrified to test. I do not want to see another negative as this was our last shot before moving on to surgery and IVF. Part of me is glad that this is our last month of drugs and IUI because it's just way too exhausting.  With each month that passes you tell yourself, "Okay. I'm not going to get my hopes up this month." It never works. You still put all your faith and hope that this month is going to be your month and when it isn't, it's like a part of your heart dies. A part of your heart dies and you never really get it back.  You lose a bit of yourself with each BFN, even more so during the months where you took fertility drugs and felt like you actually had a chance at a BFP.

I'm terrified that I may never become a mom; that it may never happen for us and that I will forever be the "cool aunt." After the roller coaster of these past six months, I have to say that I am kind of looking forward to our break in treatments.  The stressful phone calls to the RE, the trips to the lab for another pregnancy test that I know is going to be negative, the long waits in the pharmacy, the monitoring ultrasounds and the trips to SRM for the IUI.  Looking back, I can't believe how naive I was. I used to think that all I needed was a trip to the RE to get me pregnant. What a foolish thought. 

Two Yanks in the U.K.: Part Three

Our final day in London Town--bittersweet!  We were sad to be leaving but so excited to see our family up north the next day. We slept in a little this day and after our breakfast we walked over to Westminster Cathedral (not to be confused with the Westminster Abbey, which we saw the day before) on our way to the train station.  It was a Sunday morning and we were lucky to have a look around before Mass started. We were happily surprised that there was no admission fee AND we were allowed to take pictures.
The guide was so friendly and once he heard we were American he took time to show us a few things around the interior. I guess we must have been expressing our awe in a less-than-graceful manner because he leaned in and with a laugh he said, "That's one thing about you Americans. You sure love the word awesome!"  Haha. Westminster Cathedral was actually built on the foundation of an old prison or women and children. Ironic, right?

Westminster Cathedral

The remains of the last Catholic Priest executed in England. He was hung, drawn and quartered and a Spaniard paid 40 shillings for his body that was eventually brought back to England.

 

 

After Westminster Cathedral we hopped back on the tube and headed to Covent Garden, which used to be an open air market for the monks at Westminster Abbey. Not it's full of vendors, street performers, shops, bakeries, etc.

Front of Victoria Station

 

Mike on the Underground

Street performer at Covent Garden

 

 

 

 

 

 

These guys were fantastic! They had an entire act that we watched for about 20 minutes.

 

Okay, this ice cream shop was just cool and they had the coolest flavors ever and their music selection was fantastic. 

 

Natural Stimulant ice cream. Mike asked if I brought any home with me. Ha!

This is what I got. I loooooove white chocolate ice cream.

After ice cream it was time for lunch.  I think we did it a little backwards--whatever. We ate a lot on this trip! :)

Mike made his way through the list of beers and I made mine through the ciders.

My "traditional" English Sunday Lunch. Yorkshire Pudding, potatoes, vegetables and nutloaf. :) It was delicious!

 

After lunch we headed to Trafalgar Square and walked around because I wanted to see the Twinings Tea Shop. It was closed because it was Sunday but I still got to peek through the windows. On our way we saw the Royal Courts of Justice--holy courthouse batman!

 

 

 

We headed back to the Hard Rock Cafe and were upset to find the wait over two hours. The line wasn't very long so the inside must have been awfully small. I could barely walk at this point--my feet hurt so badly!  We lucked out though--we found the Hard Rock Cafe Pub right around the corner and went in there for a pizza and a few drinks.  When we walked in we saw a group of guys drinking Budweiser and Mike and I immediately pegged them for military. I said to Mike, "Stupid Americans. Who comes to ENGLAND to drink BUDWEISER?"  Mike talked to them a bit and we found out that they were Navy en route to the Middle East and had a few days off while their ship was being readied for the journey. 

We had planned to head back down to Big Ben and Parliament so I could get pictures of them at sunset and at night but I could barely walk, we were exhausted and so we just went back to our hotel for a good night's rest before our journey north. Fare thee well, London Town.

Two Yanks in the U.K.: Part Two

Luckily we were able to sleep a little later the next morning and headed down to breakfast. It was the 28th of May--our seventh anniversary and thankfully the both of us were a little less cranky. It was a big day in London as Manchester United was playing Barcelona in the League Championship that weekend. There was a huge influx of football fans and everywhere you looked you'd find someone wearing a crazy hat or cape and they all sang songs (and I thought it was only a Harry Potter/Quidditch thing!)

Our first stop was Buckingham Palace, which we walked to from our hotel.  I will admit, I totally got swept up in the whole Royal Wedding thing and I recognized many of the sights from that day. The entire time we were there Mike and I kept talking about how insane it would be to live there. We just  can't imagine that type of life.

Victoria Monument in front of Buckingham Palace

We went to Buckingham Palace with the intention of watching the Changing of the Guard. However, we arrived to discover that it wouldn't take place that day. Go figure, right? We did luck out though and get to watch a rehearsal for the Trooping of the Colors which is a ceremony that only happens once a year. There were a ton of horses, marching bands, bag pipes and a lot of pomp and circumstance.

 

What a way to spend our 7th anniversary!

After Buckingham Palace we walked back to our hotel, grabbed some more layers of clothing and and headed to Victoria Station to grab the Underground to Westminster Abbey. Unfortunately cameras were not allowed inside so I don't have any interior shots. It was by far the most amazing church I have ever been in. Constructed in 1042 there was an enormous amount of history inside. We were given an audio guide that took us around the entire interior, explaining the significance of many of the monuments, graves and statues. It was awesome to be right in the middle of such a historical place.

Parliament

Gargoyles on Westminster Abbey

I've seen many London tourists take a photo from a particular phone booth with Big Ben in the background and I was determined to take the same picture. It was a success! :)

We hopped back on the Underground and headed to Oxford Street-- a big area for shopping-- since I wanted to see the Disney Store! The tube was SO loud that day, mostly due to the immense (drunken) football fans.

Me and Mickey at The Disney Store

I ended up buying a few small things like a London pin (for my pin trader lanyard) a London Mickey Mouse tea cup and a CD for Madeline and Annabelle.  After the Disney Store we headed up north to find the Sherlock Holmes museum, not realizing that it was closed for the day. :( My dad is a big Sherlock Holmes fan so at least we got some pictures for him.

The real 221B Baker Street!

Since we couldn't go into the Sherlock Holmes museum we decided to move to another item on our bucket list--Abbey Road! For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about---shame on you!  Maybe this will help?

A little band called The Beatles. You might have heard of them.

It was a really busy road so I didn't risk my life trying to take a perfect picture.

Grafitti wall outside Abbey Road Studios

From Abbey Road we took the tube to Hard Rock Cafe. Mike and I have sort of a tradition to eat at HRC if we're in a city that has one.  The line was extremely long, we were extremely hungry and so we just bought a shirt and left with the hopes of going back and eating there the next day. We should have waited in line. Little did we know that every.single.pub. would be packed to the brim because of the big football match between Manchester United and Barcelona. People were standing, pints in hand, on the sidewalk outside the pubs just trying to catch a glance of what was happening during the game. We ended up settling for The Rainforest Cafe near Picadilly Circus--there was no TV and therefore no line at the door. I'd never eaten at one and will never eat at one again. My food was disgusting and the entire "experience" came at a very high price--it was our most expensive meal in London! We were both disappointed in our anniversary dinner, Manchester United lost the match and when walked back outside the streets were full of Barcelona fans celebrating their big win. It was a crazy night in London town!

Barcelona Fans Celebrating in the streets




To be continued.........