IUI #4

BFN.

I had to hide in my sister's bathroom so I could have a long cry in private. I clearly didn't think about how hard it was going to be to deal with a failed cycle while being around a newborn. This blows.

For now, I'm going to play with Madeline and give Charlotte lots of kisses. In about an hour, my other sister, my brother in law and my oldest niece and nephew will be here. I sincerely hope that I can keep it together and enjoy this weekend with my family.

Mike and I need to have a long talk when we get home (he's in the field while I'm in Ohio). We need to get rid of a few things in our budget to allow us to save more money for IVF. I'm pretty sure we're done with IUIs and I think I am done with treatments for a few months, at least for now. We've been doing testing and treatments for a year straight. I need a break. The holidays are hard enough without all the ultrasounds, appointments and extra emotions that come with fertility meds. To make it worse, we can't afford to fly (and board our zoo) to spend the holidays with family since we have to save for IVF.  I don't know what's next for us but for now we'll be taking a little time off.

Fuck you infertility.

All We Can Do is Pray.

It is amazing how scary Mother Nature is. My brother's family had to evacuate their home late last night due to the wildfires in Texas. This news story was filmed from the end of his road, just outside the gate to his community.  His house is the first one inside the gate--the fires are THAT close.  My brother, his' wife and my two nieces are staying with friends until they get the all clear to go home.  Kilynn didn't understand why her babies were in a box and why she had to leave her home. They have an absolutely beautiful home that is full of memories from all their travels around the world. How do you even choose what to pack when you're evacuated like this?  We're so helpless against Mother Nature's force. All we can do is pray.

News Story

Back to "Normal?"

I have the house to myself this morning for the first time since my in-laws invaded on 17 August for Mike's 30th birthday. It's been a whirl wind these past two weeks and I think life will finally get back to "normal" for us.

I'm going back to work today and I spent the morning answering e-mails and sending invoices. I now have over 90 people on my waiting list and I'm still working on order submissions from June--yikes!  Mike's taking some classes this week to be his unit's Equal Opportunity rep.  His WOCS packet is due on the 15th of September and he still has a few things to do. I'm stressing for him but you know how men are--if I even bring it up he accuses me of micromanaging and gets all pissy so I just have to keep my mouth shut.

For now, I'm enjoying having the house to myself. Luckily, I don't have too much to do since my mom kept my house pretty clean while she was here. It is supposed to be really hot here this week. Well, hot for the pacific northwest. I know all of you southerners/mid-westerners are going to hate me for talking about an 80+ degree heat wave but that is scorching hot for here, especially since most people out here don't have air conditioning. It will easily be 85 degrees in our room when we go to bed tonight.
 
I'm feeling better, but definitely not 100%. I was in a lot of pain on Sunday night after I stupidly went out in a kayak with Mike and then later played ping pong. Oxy was my friend that night.  My right side is fine, my incision is a little tender, but I'm not having any pain. My left side is a different story. I feel better each day but I still have a LOT of residual bruising coming out and it still hurts to bend or walk too fast. Perhaps this is why:

None of this burising showed up until about a week after surgery and now it seems like more and more appears each day. My left side is where he found a substantial amount of endometriosis and was able to remove most of it.  I have always bruised really easily but the amount of residual bruising after surgery has really surprised me. I can't wait until I feel myself again.  Dr. C. told Mike and I that we could start trying again as soon as I feel up to it but sex is still the last thing on my mind. Hell, I'd love to have a normal and pain-free trip to the bathroom right now! Thankfully, no other alien parts have been found anywhere. Whew.

I hope all my readers had a wonderful long weekend. For the second year in a row, Mike and I made the two hour trek north to Lake Cavanaugh to my SIL's mom's house. It's basically a camp ground with an indoor pool and theater room. Poor Mike--I married such a great guy. I still can't really carry anything (just carrying my cup of tea with my left arm still hurts) and he pitched our tent all by himself. The tent I didn't even sleep in. I had every intention of sleeping outside, snuggled in the covers with Mike and our dogs, but it didn't happen. The first hurdle was the sound of snoring coming from my brother's tent next to ours. The second hurdle was my pain and the fact that it was freezing, which made me tense up and hurt even more. All his hard work for nothing! 

We had a great weekend though. We won't talk about the way the Irish played in their first game but it was nice to sit in first class air line seats for the second year in a row and watch the game in the theater room! 

 Zero and Bailey had a lot of fun chasing the chipmunks all weekend. There was tons of good food and lot of relaxing. It was great to spend a few more days with my mom too and it's always fun to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law. This is pretty much what I did all weekend. It's beautiful there, isn't it? The lake is just on the other side of the trees. On Saturday evening a very intense water fight broke out between the little kids and the big kids, but it was mostly the big kids. The pictures I caught are hilarious!

How I Spent My Weekend

"Oh please, oh pleeease be my prisoner!"

He's just a little intense.

Boys will be boys.

Mike and I enjoying the lake

I spent a lot of time in the hammock too.

 

Me, my mom and my brother

On our drive home last night Mike asked me, "If we don't have to do IVF what would you want to....." and I responded with, "Go on another vacation!" He smiled and said, "Get out of my head, woman!" So Mike and I talked about where we'd like to go next. Whether we'd go somewhere in Europe or keep it simple and do something a little closer to home.  He and I decided that if I am able to get pregnant without IVF (fingers crossed!) that we will take a "Baby Moon" to Hawaii for a week OR a week at Walt Disney World, as long as my sister's family can go with us too. Because Disney World just wouldn't be the same without these two little princesses (and another on the way!)

I, being the crazy infertile woman that I am, have already planned Walt Disney World vacations that included my phantom baby. Character dining, parent swap, how we'd work around nap times and even what we'd have to pack in the back pack. I've always ventured on my delusions dreams by myself so it was really sweet to hear Mike talk about the future this way.  We talked about Baby Mooning to Disney World with my sister's family and how I could sit with Charlotte (ETA October 7) since I wouldn't be able to ride any big rides anyway.  Here's to hoping that these next few months will bring us luck, fertility and that we will get our family the old fashioned way. A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. <3

Insanity.

 A wise man once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  By this definition alone, I am an insane woman.  Yesterday was CD12 and like clockwork, the OPK turned positive.  We've been doing this baby-making thing for 31 months now and yet each month, we expect a different result. Insanity.


This blog is my safe haven and let's face it, it hasn't been too full of happy posts lately. I've been pretty miserable. I feel like I've been in a downward spiral these last few months and these last few weeks have been the bottom of the barrel. I don't know how to fix it.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about our infertility other than what I'm already doing and it's hell. Pure hell.  I am tired of feeling like Jacob Marley, wrapped tightly in the chains that infertility has burdened me with.  As my disclaimer says, this is my outlet for my frustration, anger, fear, dreams, hopes....everything.  I do not apologize for anything I write here. This is my blog and I'm tired of feeling like I need to explain or defend myself what I write here.

Lately I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty for the way I've been feeling.  Did you get that?  I feel guilty for all the bitterness, resentment and anger that has been pouring out of my heart lately.  I feel guilty for being jealous of pregnant women. I can't stand people who complain about needing a break from their kids. Posts whining about the baby being up all night drive me into a fit of rage. Parents talking about how expensive school supplies are piss me the hell off. Don't these people realize how lucky they are?! Don't even get me started on the people who borrow my problems and talk about how worried they are they'll have issues getting pregnant.  I've come to the realization that my feelings are valid and that I should not feel guilty for the way I do. Infertility is hard. I'm in a dark and twisty place.  I can't fix our infertility but I can attempt to change the things I can control.  

So, I started with the mine field otherwise known as Facebook. An infertile's nightmare.   I am no longer going to allow myself to feel guilty when I click the "Hide" button or delete people from my friends list.  Obviously these people are doing something to upset me and I don't need anything else weighing on me right now. I'm also going to try really hard to practice self-control and stay off of other business pages.  Seeing people steal my designs and copy my ideas only upsets me. I don't need this negativity.  Secondly, I've told a few people that I need space. I just can't be a good friend right now and it's easier for me to step away than to put on a happy face and pretend to be supportive. Thirdly, I have stopped following a few blogs for various reasons.  I hate that it's so easy for me to get upset these days and some of these blogs have frustrated me for months. So...bye bye!  Lastly, I am going to try my damndest to focus on what I do have rather than what I do not have.

This is going to be the hardest one. Maybe I'll write some reminders on post-its and stick them on my mirror. You have a wonderful husband. You have a successful business. You are blessed with four wonderful fur-kids who make you smile and laugh daily. In the world of infertility it is so easy to forget these things and focus solely on the negative. I need to do better. I am going to need a positive attitude to get through this month and my surgery. I think from now on, I will try to end every blog post with something I am thankful for or something positive that happened during my day. So..today I am going to be thankful that I'm not pregnant because today was International Beer Day. One good thing about not being pregnant is that I can drink beer. So...cheers and Happy International Beer Day!