2011 in Review

I can finally say, "Tomorrow is the day!"  Our first ultrasound is at 0830 tomorrow and I am so nervous/excited. I am excited to find out how many we have in there but more than that I am excited to find out that we have a healthy baby growing in there and to hopefully hear/see the heartbeat. 

I haven't been feeling many symptoms but one that is persistent is definitely the exhaustion.  I had doubts as to whether Christmas dinner was even going to be made because SIL and I spent the afternoon snoozing on the couch. I didn't even get dressed this year--Okay, I did get dressed but just in clean pajamas.  I have been so flipping tired and last night I even broke the Cardinal Rule of, "Thou shalt not fall asleep during a Harry Potter Marathon!" ::gasp:: I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore so I took a little nap and then we finished the movie later.

It's hard to believe 2011 is coming to a close. SO much has happened this year and it's just totally flown by so I thought I'd take a few minutes to reflect on the ups and downs of this past year.

1. What did you do in 2011 you never did before?

Went to England!!!!
IUI/Surgery/IVF
Watched the entire World Series from start to finish (Go Cards!)
Cut down a Christmas tree
Went to a professional soccer match

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year I made the promise to myself that I was going to try to get rid of negativity in my life. I succeeded somewhat by eliminating a few things (and people) from my life.

For 2012:

To take excellent care of myself so that I can have a healthy pregnancy and L&D

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my sister had my beautiful niece, Charlotte, in October!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. We recently lost four pilots in a training accident but they weren't close to me.

5. What countries did you visit?

England

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A successful pregnancy, more patience (hello annoying customers!) and the ability to just slow down and take it easy without feeling guilty.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

May 25--the day we left for the UK
August 27--the day of my laparoscopy
November 25--the day of my egg retreival

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally getting pregnant. Hands down.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Hmm, I'm not sure that I really failed at anything this year other than our four IUIs.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Infertility but other than that I've been very healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to the UK, my Kindle, my embroidery machine and a round of IVF

12. Where did most of your money go?

Fertility treatments and a trip to England

13. What did you get really excited about?

Our trip to the UK, the birth of Charlotte and finding out that I was finally pregnant.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2011?Party Rock Anthem-- LMFAO. Hands down.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or Sadder: Happier

Thinner or Fatter: Fatter.  My weight has been fluctuating this year because of all the damn drugs I've been on.

Richer or poorer: Probably a little poorer just because of all the infertility treatments we've done. 

16. What do you wish you'd done more of:

Exercise, hiking, walks with the dogs, just get out of the house more.

17. What do you wish you had done less of:

Stressing, crying

18. How did you spend Christmas?

My brother and SIL drove down from Seattle and spent a few days with us. It was fun!

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Parenthood

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Hunger Games Trilogy

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

LMFAO and Adele

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and The Muppets

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

Gosh, how sad is it that I can't even remember what I did on my birthday this year? I was 27 though.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being debt free and not having to go through all the infertility struggles we went through.

25. What kept you sane?

Mike, my fur-kids and the support and love of my family.

26. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

That it is possible to see the light again, no matter how dark and twisty of place you're in. Things do get better and dreams are worth fighting for. Happy New Year's, dear readers!

Living my Life...Two Weeks at a Time

Have you ever thought about that?  Women who are trying to have a baby live their lives two weeks at a time. Two weeks until I ovulate, two weeks until my period comes...two weeks until I ovulate....two weeks until my period.... It's exhausting! 

9DPIUI SITREP. Ongoing efforts to abate from obsessively checking CM have failed. Unable to step away from Dr. Google I have found multiple sites that only enable me to have phantom symptoms. The over-analyzing of every cramp and twinge of nausea is in full swing. Of course it has nothing to do with the entire plate of Pad Thai that I had for dinner last night.
I ordered some early detection pregnancy tests from the internet and I expect them to arrive today or tomorrow. I tested yesterday and it was BFN which means the trigger shot is out of my system and any BFN (or BFP!) that I get will be a true result. The IF clinic won't do a blood test on me unless I get a + HPT.  I'm terrified to test.  I'm scared to watch my temp drop. I hate that the "symptoms" I am having are most likely all in my head. I hate to think of how I'll feel if our IUI failed. I know I will be crushed and Mike will most likely be in the field when I find out.  The good news is that I'm only thinking about it when I'm awake.

Today was the Royal Wedding of William and Kate. It started at 0100 my time so I DVR'd it and I'm watching it now and I have to wonder if Her Majesty The Queen had dear old Kate checked out to make she was fertile and able to bear England's future heirs.  Hmmm......

It's just like a fairy tale! The church bells, the crowds dressed fabulously, the beautiful princess and the oh so handsome Prince Charming. Oh, London Town! I can't wait to see you in 27 days! I just hope we'll be taking a Baby H with us!

Fare thee well, Cycle 26.

I've decided that my new tagline should be "Megan Holmes, always the aunt...never the mommy."
I am 10 DPO and 99% certain that AF is just around the corner.  We will do one more cycle of Clomid + TI before moving on to IUI, which we will start when we get home from England in June. The only thing positive about not being pregnant this month is that I can go visit when my newest niece or nephew is born in October. Oh--and I can drink at the CAV Ball we're going to on Saturday.  Drowning my sorrows in the Grog Bowl sounds like a good idea.
I'm not really sure how I feel anymore. I'm kind of numb to the entire thing, I think. Perhaps I'm numb simply because it hurts too much to actually let myself feel anything whether it be anger, frustration or sadness.  Frustration--that's an excellent way to describe this entire process.

Having a diagnosis of "Unexplained infertility with fertilization issues (insert WTF)"  is incredibly frustrating.  I just want answers.  I really wish I had a doctor who could sit me down and say "This is why you're not getting pregnant and this is what we should do to possibly achieve pregnancy." Wishful thinking.

2+ years of TTC, I'm exhausted and we haven't even really started "treatments" yet. I'm afraid to feel hopeful anymore.

Our trip to England is getting closer and closer though. We received our passports two weeks ago, Mike's attended his "anti-terrorism" briefing (Really, they handing him a packet of paperwork with a summary of crime reports in the UK and a list of all the embassies and consulates-ha.) I've made a bucket list of things that we want to see and do but that's about as far as it's gone.  Mike and I are incredibly busy right now and we can't wait for our vacation.  I will miss my fur kids a LOT but it will be so nice to just get away for awhile.