I love him.

Me: "Sometimes I feel so guilty because it's my fault that I'm not pregnant."
Him: "You don't know that. You don't know that! I'm sorry to say...but that's not true."
Me: "Two words. Ninety-nine MILLION!"
Him: "So!? That doesn't mean they all know what they're doing."

10DPIUI

Last night I had a dream that I got a BFP in the morning and woke Mike up with the best news ever. Oddly, as I was POAS in my dream the song "I Would Die for That" was playing in the background.

I ended up waking up at 0630, took my temp (it was still up--yay!) so I decided to POAS- I bought some Early Pregnancy Tests that detect as little as 10 mIU/ml.  BFN. It's still early--I have to keep telling myself that.  No spotting yet so that's good too.  Just a few more days and I will be officially "late." Fertility Friend has Wednesday as my test date. I am going crazy and can't seem to step away from Dr. Google or FF's Chart Gallery. Aaaaaah!

Living my Life...Two Weeks at a Time

Have you ever thought about that?  Women who are trying to have a baby live their lives two weeks at a time. Two weeks until I ovulate, two weeks until my period comes...two weeks until I ovulate....two weeks until my period.... It's exhausting! 

9DPIUI SITREP. Ongoing efforts to abate from obsessively checking CM have failed. Unable to step away from Dr. Google I have found multiple sites that only enable me to have phantom symptoms. The over-analyzing of every cramp and twinge of nausea is in full swing. Of course it has nothing to do with the entire plate of Pad Thai that I had for dinner last night.
I ordered some early detection pregnancy tests from the internet and I expect them to arrive today or tomorrow. I tested yesterday and it was BFN which means the trigger shot is out of my system and any BFN (or BFP!) that I get will be a true result. The IF clinic won't do a blood test on me unless I get a + HPT.  I'm terrified to test.  I'm scared to watch my temp drop. I hate that the "symptoms" I am having are most likely all in my head. I hate to think of how I'll feel if our IUI failed. I know I will be crushed and Mike will most likely be in the field when I find out.  The good news is that I'm only thinking about it when I'm awake.

Today was the Royal Wedding of William and Kate. It started at 0100 my time so I DVR'd it and I'm watching it now and I have to wonder if Her Majesty The Queen had dear old Kate checked out to make she was fertile and able to bear England's future heirs.  Hmmm......

It's just like a fairy tale! The church bells, the crowds dressed fabulously, the beautiful princess and the oh so handsome Prince Charming. Oh, London Town! I can't wait to see you in 27 days! I just hope we'll be taking a Baby H with us!

8DPIUI

National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to a close. I have to say that I am kind of surprised by the lack of responses/interest that I had to my posts on Facebook.  I guess a lot of people just don't know what to say?
How many of you have been blogging about NIAW? Have you received nothing but ::cricket chirps:: too?
Here's another great IF video that you could share on Facebook.  Don't quote me but I think she has something to do with the 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility Blog.

Today I am 8DPIU. The good news is that my temp went up this morning. The bad news is that I really can't trust it because of the meds I'm on. I should actually give up temping all together while on fertility drugs since they can make your BBT kind of whacky BUT I can't. I like feeling like I have "control" over something, even though I realize I don't actually have control of anything. The illusion of control is there.

Oh! I can finally announce that I am going to be an aunt again! My sister is expecting her third baby.  I'm not going to lie. I cried when I found out BUT it could have had something to do with the fact that she sent me the sweetest, most empathetic e-mail ever.  She wrote that she understood how hard this will be on Mike and I and that she knows we are happy for them but that we're sad for us, and that's okay. I'm so lucky to have such a supportive family. Love you sis! She's due in October and I am hoping and praying that the IUI worked and we get to be two knocked up broads together in England!

Last night I went to bed with cramps and a backache. This morning my boobs are a little sore but nothing like the way they're described by women who are KTFU. I am going to POAS in the morning to see if the trigger shot is out of my system so I can start testing for real when my tests arrive in the mail in a couple days. Stay away AF. Stay away.

Idiocracy

Do you ever feel like you're living in a society of idiots; just like in the movie Idiocracy? For those of you who haven't seen this "gem" of a film, you're not missing much. It's pretty stupid actually, but it's supposed to be. Here's the basic idea:  Army dude (aka Joe Schmo)  is frozen in an experiment for one year but is mistakenly frozen for 500 years. When he wakes up, he is the smartest human being alive thanks to human "evolution" and the insane breeding habits of dumb people versus intelligent people.  Watch the video.

While the couple's infertility is nothing to laugh at, the concept as a whole is pretty hilarious and unfortunately true. Why is it that seemingly idiotic people can procreate so easily and I can't even get one? The topic the prompted this blog entry was a post on a message board for Army spouses.  Literally dozens of women were whining that they couldn't feed their multiple kids on their husband's paycheck and that it was bullshit that they don't qualify for government assistance, specifically subsidized income from the Army.

Women like this make military wives look bad as a whole. Maybe it's because I'm infertile but I have a HUGE problem with people who have children they can't afford, especially military wives. Military wives who could easily march their pretty little butts to the nearest MTF and get FREE BIRTH CONTROL instead of popping out kids like an assembly line. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

Earlier this evening I posted this as my facebook status:

"Dear incredibly-fertile-military-wife-with-half a dozen kids-bitching-about-not-qualifying-for-government-assistance-when-you-can-barely-afford-to-feed-your-kids-on-what-your-husband-makes, I have three things to say to you: #1 Eff you. #2 Get a job and #3 Birth control is free."

One of my friends on facebook suggested to me that I take my sewing machine to their *(&@ so they couldn't pop out any more kids. Ha.

I'm 7 DPIU today. Commence phantom symptoms: bloating, cramps, sore boobs fatigue.

Wordless Wednesday

I Would Die for That

Perfect. Powerful. Emotional. Grab your tissues.

Infertile Holidays

Mike and I seem to have the same discussion every holiday. We talk about how awesomely different our holidays will be once we have kids.  Coloring Easter eggs (that only Mike will eat) , playing Easter bunny, buying cute Easter dresses and suits. It will be wonderful.

SIL saved the day and brought Vegan Peeps and Chocolates

I've been waking up with crazy hot flashes--a side effect of the HCG shot I had last week? Ive been kind of crampy today but no other "symptoms." I know it's too early though and I know should stop charting since the meds can make my chart all wonky but I can't stop. It's kind of like a safety net and I *should* know but 12dpo whether or not AF is going to show up.  I'm going to test again later this week to see if the trigger shot is out of my system. This 2ww is going by way too slow!

In other news....one month from tomorrow we will be boarding a plane bound for the UK! =)

Happy Easter everyone, especially all of us who celebrated with empty arms. I hope that by next Easter we are all able to play Easter Bunny for our little ones!

Infertility 101

National Infertility Awareness Week begins on 24 April and in honor of that I have decided to dedicate this entire post to what it means to live with infertility; a combination of the facts and my own opinions (I got my M.D. from Google. *wink*)  All the information in this post has come from my own personal experience or from websites such as RESOLVE (http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html).


What is infertility? 
FACT: More than 7.3 million Americans, or 1 in 8 couples of childbearing, age are infertile.  Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse. Approximately 30% of infertility is due to female factor and 30% is due to male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility is "unexplained".


There IS a difference between having difficulty getting pregnant and infertility. I can't tell you how much it upsets me when I hear or see women whining about not getting pregnant after several months and that they have an infertility problem for no reason other than they're not pregnant yet.  There haven't been many things in my life that have been more heartbreaking than our struggle with infertility. (Read: friends KIA in Iraq definitely trump IF!)  I never dreamed that it would take me over two years to get pregnant and it gets harder with each month that passes.  I KNOW how difficult it is to not get pregnant when you want a baby more than anything in the world but impatience does not equal infertility.

For months I had had to fight to get an appointment at my REI clinic and now I'm beginning to wonder how many patients are there not because of infertility but because they didn't get pregnant immediately. Patients who jump the gun due to impatience are taking valuable time with the RE away from patients who are genuinely struggling with infertility.   By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.


FACT: Infertility is isolating.
Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences. 

Sometimes I feel like the only infertile Army wife in existence.  Recently, there was a large baby boom on post after all the homecomings last summer.  I still don't have my post-deployment baby and it's been a year and a half. You grow up, you get married and you have babies. That's the natural order of things but it doesn't always happen that way and it's incredibly isolating.  At this stage in life, nearly everything centers around families with children and it's so hard to be the only couple without kids.
When you're infertile your support system almost completely disappears. Most of your friends and family can't possibly understand what you're going through.  If you're lucky (I am!) you will have supportive and empathetic friends and family but none of them truly understand your struggles.  Sometimes they end up saying incredibly hurtful things, "Maybe you're not meant to be parents..." (Yes, because the crack whore that threw her baby in a dumpster was going to be mother of the year.) or "You just need to relax."  Bitterness and resentment comes in waves. You feel like a failure.  Most of the time you think you're doing okay but sometimes infertility will smack you in the face and it takes days before you're "okay" again.

FACT: Relaxing won't cure me of my infertility. 
Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems. 


"Just relax!" Luckily no one says this much to me anymore but I got it A LOT during the first year we were TTC.  In the Army, it seems like everyone reproduces like rabbits so most of the time I smile and act pregnant rather than explaining what we're going through to other couples. Stress does not cause infertility but infertility sure as hell causes a lot of stress.


FACT: There is no proof that if I adopt a baby then I will miraculously get pregnant. 
This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt. 
 
There have been several recent story lines about infertility in different movies and tv shows I've seen.  I'm glad that society is beginning to talk about infertility more openly but I'm so tired of the cliche/cheesy infertility story lines.   In "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" a couple is on the verge of divorce because of infertility. They end up reconciling, decide to adopt and then, in true Hollywood fashion, miraculously get pregnant on their own.  What a cliche!  Everyone seems to know someone who knows someone who had infertility and as soon as they adopted (surprise!) they got pregnant. What a load of bollocks.

One of my favorite shows, Parenthood, has jumped on the infertility story line band wagon. My friend, Mrs. Irons, and I totally called it too! When Julia and Joel first started TTC Mrs. Irons and I said, "They either get pregnant right away or they'll have secondary IF."  It was the latter only technically they weren't infertile because Julia sought help after only five months. Julia and Joel are going to adopt now and I'm betting they get pregnant as soon as the ink on the adoption paperwork dries.

So what do you think? Is infertility the new trend or what?

Thank you Playboy!

Well, I'm home from our first (and only, I hope!) IUI attempt.  Yes, I did POAS this morning just so I could see what a + HPT looks like. 

The first + pregnancy test I have ever had thanks to the shot of HCG I got yesterday.

Today's Lucky Socks-- the doc loved them!

We got to the clinic about 0830 and everything and everyone was so much nicer than at the clinic on post and the best part was that there weren't any damn kids in the waiting room.


Sidebar: Total pet peeve of mine. The last two times I have been to the IF clinic on post there have been children in the waiting room. Don't get me wrong, I obviously LOVE kids since I'm through hell to become a mom but who seriously brings KIDS to an INFERTILITY clinic? It's bad enough that some genius decided to put the IF clinic right next to the OB/GYN waiting area and I have to listen to people make their pre-natal appointments. Find an effing babysitter. End rant.

M got called back within a few minutes to do his thing. At least he had privacy in this office--unlike doing it in the public restroom at the hospital on post with no privacy whatsoever.  Let's just say that M is a ROCK star.  His "donation" was AMAZING.  Here are the numbers:
                                       Pre-Wash         Final Sample      Normal
Volume                           4.0ml                 .4 ml                   
Concentration                 163 million        295 million          >20
Motility                           72%                 84%                   >50   
Rapid and Linear            18%                   25%                  >15   
Total Motile Sperm        469.4 million       99.1 million      >10

When we saw those numbers I gave M a big high five and even the doctor said he did great. Normal is 10 million and he had 99. Insanity! Because of his 99 million contribution I have dubbed M as "The Sperminator." I told M that he gets a gold star and he said that he wanted ice cream too! I love him. <3

I did not expect the procedure to be painful. I didn't feel a thing when I had my hysteroscopy done but I felt twinges of intense pain with the IUI. She said there is a slight that both eggs will be fertilized but not a huge change. The good news is that I have double the chance of getting pregnant with one baby. I was not  given any restrictions for activities so basically I'm just playing the waiting game. When we paid on our way out the receptionist handed us the receipt and said, "For the baby book!" =)

It's so hard not to get my hopes up.  M leaves on Tuesday for training so he'll be in the field when I find out one way or the other. I just hope he has cell phone service or I will be driving the 4 hours to tell him in person.  Oh...and we did stop and get M a pint of Half Baked on the way home for his awesome efforts. :)

I do have a little cramping so I'm going to take it easy the rest of the night. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I hope these next two weeks fly by!

Wordless Wednesday

Spermination.

Well, there's been a change in plans. Our first IUI is tomorrow!
M went with me to my follie check this morning. We fully intended to go in there, voice our concerns, and demand more testing.  It didn't quite happen that way. I got to see Dr. C. today--he's the head of REI and I haven't seen him since my hysteroscopy, coincidentally, the last time I brought M to an appointment. Hmm.... Dr. C. said our prognosis is good and that he's confident I will be able to get pregnant, it's just a matter of time, seeing what works, etc.  I'm "relatively young" compared to most of his patients (Grrr......) so he's not quite ready to start us on more aggressive treatments.

I love Dr. C.  He's a civilian and, unlike the Army doctors, he always takes the time to explain things to me. I have two follies this month-- 17mm and 19mm. This was my best Clomid cycle so far and Dr. C. said it would be a great cycle to add in IUI.  Originally M and I decided that we'd wait until June to start IUI, mostly because we're saving for our trip to England next month. Dr. C will only let me do six cycles of Clomid before putting me on different drugs, which Tricare does not cover, so we decided to make the most out of this cycle and go ahead with IUI.  Even though we have to pay out of pocket for the IUI procedure it will still be less costly than having to pay for IF meds in the future.

 The nurse gave me a trigger shot (a syringe of HCG-the pregnancy hormone) this morning that will make me ovulate within 24-36 hours and we will go to Seattle Reproductive Medicine tomorrow for the IUI procedure tomorrow morning.  I think I might POAS in the morning, just so I can see what a + pregnancy tests look like.
I can't wait to hear how M explained to his 1SG why he needs half a day off. I wonder how that conversation went--ha ha!

So, we're pretty excited. By adding IUI our chances will increase to about 10%, which is the same as a normal, healthy couple. In the words of Han Solo, "Never tell me the odds....." =)  It feels great to finally be moving forward and doing something proactive but I am scared of how I will feel in two weeks if it doesn't work.  I need to stay positive though, right?
I've joked with M about how we'll explain to our kids where they came from, since they won't be conceived "the old fashioned way."  I wonder what IF patients tell their kids....

Well, for those of you who aren't familiar with the procedure of IUI, here's little video to help you out. Wish us luck tomorrow! <3

 

P.S.  I bruise easier than anyone I've ever met. This is my tummy after this morning's injection with the tiniest needle that I've ever seen.

Socks.

I posted yesterday about the Sock Exchange that I recently participated in on an infertility forum I post on. I got my package today, just in time for my follie check tomorrow! I can not believe that an internet stranger was able to find something that fits me so perfectly! I love, love, LOVE them! I'm going to tell M that the knee socks for him. :P

Sock it to Infertility.

I joined TheKnot.com when I started planning my wedding in 2004. M was in boot camp and I stumbled across a board for Military Brides. I met a lot of wonderful women on there--several of whom I met in real life! It's been seven years and many of us still keep in touch through Facebook. Internet strangers that are more real to me than any of the friends I grew up with.
About two years after M and I got married I moved to TheNest.com and started chatting on a board called Babies on the Brain. Pretty self-explanatory, right?  It was on this board that learned about Charting my BBT, Cervical Mucous and Timed Intercourse.  Babies on the Brain turned sex into a science experiment and I became addicted to peeing on sticks. Many women on BOTB got pregnant right away and most of the names that I recognize  probably have multiple children by now.  I never expected that it'd take me THIS long to have one of my own.
Recently, since we started treatments, I started posting on the Infertility Board on TheBump.com. The majority of the women posting there have already passed me on their IF journey and are doing IVF. There are a few women who are still doing TI or IUI but it seems like most of them are IVFers. Our diagnosis is unexplained infertility--which, for those of you who are also unexplained, you know that there's not a whole lot of literature out there for us. The IF books have loads of information on PCOS, MFI, etc. but not too much insight into unexplained IF.  If you could explain it, I guess it wouldn't be unexplained, right?
Since I began posting on the IF board I have learned a lot of things that I didn't even know about infertility. Like the fact that your chart can show a clear ovulation pattern without your body actually releasing an egg.

WHAT?! This is all the more reason for my RE to do 7DPO blood work on me--blood work that they refuse to do for whatever reason. M is going to my next follie check with me on Tuesday and we plan to have a long talk with the doctor about pursuing additional testing before moving onto IUI and going out of pocket.
For all of my readers (is anyone out there?)  isn't it strange that I've never had CD3 and 7DPO testing? Gah! Army doctors!

Back on topic. Anyway, the point of this entire blog entry was to talk about Lucky Socks. Lucky socks? How do socks relate to fertility? Well, they don't. Not really...BUT, you see, women with infertility often spend a LOT (and I mean a LOT) of time with our feet in stirrups. Supposedly a nurse suggested to an infertile woman, "Wear fun socks; they're good conversation starters." This has led to many exchanges of "Lucky Socks."  I just participated in one on The Bump. I bought my person a pair of black knee high socks with rainbow stripes and I sent her some good German chocolate for good measure.
There is another opportunity to participate in a Lucky Sock Exchange! "I am asking my friends and family (and strangers!) to donate a pair of socks to an infertile woman and to spread the word about infertility. I'm not talking a pair of boring white socks; I'm talking a NEW pair of funky, fun, goofy, conversation starting socks!!!"  You can find the full details by clicking on this link: 
Sock it to Infertility Event
I guess that's it for now. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. As last night was my last dose of Clomid, I hope I can sleep without being drenched in sweat tonight!

My Addiction is Killing Me.

My Facebook addition, that is.   I am so tired of logging on there and being smacked in the face with numerous pregnancy announcements, ultrasound photos, status updates like "I've been pooped and peed on but it's all worth it because I'm a MOM!" Facebook is the obvious and most logical place to attention whore yourself these days, I get it, but it's just too much to take sometimes.
Thank goodness today is Friday! This week has been so BLAH. I've been in a funk ever since I went to the ball. Yesterday I made a baby sun hat as a baby shower gift. M took it to work to give to his buddy so that we wouldn't have to go to the shower.  I soooo could not deal with that right now.

T.G.I.F.   FUIF!!

Infertility is the Bad Dream I Can't Wake From

Infertility has been paralyzing me for months. I'm terrified to meet people and small talk sends me into anxiety attacks.  I just can't handle it. I have been having horrible dreams lately.  Dreams where I'm bawling and telling people that I am the reason Mike isn't a father and that I'm terrified he's going to leave me. In awake-land Mike has assured me that this isn't going to happen, of course! Last night I dreamed that I was crying and telling someone else about the other dream. Dreaming about a dream! Only this wasn't Inception and there was no kicker. I couldn't wake up from this nightmare and I felt like I was crying all night long. Infertility is now paralyzing me even when I sleep and I hate it.

Wordless Wednesday

I've decided to start doing Wordless Wednesday where I post a picture instead of writing a blog post. Here's my first Wordless Wednesday post!

Another Christmas with Empty Arms

Cycle #2 of Clomid was officially a bust. If I would have gotten pregnant this month my due date would have been 12-19-11.  Looks like I'll be spending another Christmas with empty arms. I just read something that says a lot of couples with unexplained IF have to go on to IVF.  I guess we need to start saving now since it is going to take us forever to come up with 10k.
Last night Mike and I had a military ball in downtown Tacoma, our first since moving from Fort Drum.  It was okay--definitely not the same caliber of party that we had with 6/6 CAV. We were really missing our friends and were sad about so many of them being in A-stan right now, especially with all the government shite that happened this week.  It was the first and only time I've been homesick for Fort Drum in the year since we left. The worse part was when IF almost ruined, well it did ruin, my night.
I was making small talk with a group of ladies when a few women came up to the woman standing next to me and started rubbing on her belly--she found out last weekend she was pregnant. At that moment I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. My face must have given me away because Mike's boss' wife (who is a fb friend) leaned in to me and said, "It will be your turn soon, Megan....." I wanted to run away for a good cry but as I turned around to excuse myself from the conversation I found myself face to face with a woman with a beautiful, big pregnant belly.  AM I THE ONLY INFERTILE ARMY WIFE IN EXISTENCE?!
We haven't been to church in months and we both really miss it but we're afraid to do. This time of year is full of announcements about upcoming Vacation Bible School and Mother's Day Brunches-just more painful reminders that we're not parents. Our infertility is becoming increasingly difficult to accept and deal with. We feel so isolated; we dread meeting new people and answering questions like, "How many kids do you have?" "Do you want kids?" "Why don't you have kids?" I hate IF. 

A Poem on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that ...I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which

I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face,

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother...

-Unknown.

Fare thee well, Cycle 26.

I've decided that my new tagline should be "Megan Holmes, always the aunt...never the mommy."
I am 10 DPO and 99% certain that AF is just around the corner.  We will do one more cycle of Clomid + TI before moving on to IUI, which we will start when we get home from England in June. The only thing positive about not being pregnant this month is that I can go visit when my newest niece or nephew is born in October. Oh--and I can drink at the CAV Ball we're going to on Saturday.  Drowning my sorrows in the Grog Bowl sounds like a good idea.
I'm not really sure how I feel anymore. I'm kind of numb to the entire thing, I think. Perhaps I'm numb simply because it hurts too much to actually let myself feel anything whether it be anger, frustration or sadness.  Frustration--that's an excellent way to describe this entire process.

Having a diagnosis of "Unexplained infertility with fertilization issues (insert WTF)"  is incredibly frustrating.  I just want answers.  I really wish I had a doctor who could sit me down and say "This is why you're not getting pregnant and this is what we should do to possibly achieve pregnancy." Wishful thinking.

2+ years of TTC, I'm exhausted and we haven't even really started "treatments" yet. I'm afraid to feel hopeful anymore.

Our trip to England is getting closer and closer though. We received our passports two weeks ago, Mike's attended his "anti-terrorism" briefing (Really, they handing him a packet of paperwork with a summary of crime reports in the UK and a list of all the embassies and consulates-ha.) I've made a bucket list of things that we want to see and do but that's about as far as it's gone.  Mike and I are incredibly busy right now and we can't wait for our vacation.  I will miss my fur kids a LOT but it will be so nice to just get away for awhile.