IUI #4

BFN.

I had to hide in my sister's bathroom so I could have a long cry in private. I clearly didn't think about how hard it was going to be to deal with a failed cycle while being around a newborn. This blows.

For now, I'm going to play with Madeline and give Charlotte lots of kisses. In about an hour, my other sister, my brother in law and my oldest niece and nephew will be here. I sincerely hope that I can keep it together and enjoy this weekend with my family.

Mike and I need to have a long talk when we get home (he's in the field while I'm in Ohio). We need to get rid of a few things in our budget to allow us to save more money for IVF. I'm pretty sure we're done with IUIs and I think I am done with treatments for a few months, at least for now. We've been doing testing and treatments for a year straight. I need a break. The holidays are hard enough without all the ultrasounds, appointments and extra emotions that come with fertility meds. To make it worse, we can't afford to fly (and board our zoo) to spend the holidays with family since we have to save for IVF.  I don't know what's next for us but for now we'll be taking a little time off.

Fuck you infertility.

'Twas the Night Before......Your Period

Thanks to KMY at One Girl...One Boy...One Beautiful Marriage for sharing!

ODE TO INFERTILITY

‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.

The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,

in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.

Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,

while visions of cramps start to come before bed.

You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,

you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.

But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,

so why does this test never show those two lines?

And you cry on the floor until you are ill,

tomorrow you’ll refuse your prenatal pill.

“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”

“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”

We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,

but each month all we do is pee on that stick.

We know more about ovulation than our family doc,

so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!

We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,

but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.

My spouse has more sex than in our newly weds years,

but this time, he’s not bragging to all of his peers.

So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,

Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!

__________________________________________________________________________

11DPIUI and another BFN this morning. I am testing using the early detection internet cheapies that are supposed to detect as little as 10mIu/ml and according to Dr. Google (I know--baaaad!) I should have at least that much HCG in my system, if I were pregnant. Still not spotting though so I am refusing to give up hope!

Three Weeks Post-Surgery

For the past two days, I've had NO PAIN! Woohoo. It's like something 'clicked' and the sharp pains went away. I'm not ready to go out and run a 5K by any means, but I definitely feel much better.  I wore jeans for the first time yesterday and my incision scabs finally fell off. Here are some pictures of me 3 weeks post-surgery. I'm on CD30 with no AF in sight. I've never been so anxious for my period to show up. I just want to get this next cycle started and see what's in store for us. Lucky #34? No, there's no chance I could be pregnant. My blood test before surgery was negative and I've been in too much pain to even think about sex since then.

My beautiful bruise is still healing.

Thank goodness the incisions were tiny!

I'm so ready for this weekend. This week hasn't been particularly stressful or anything but I've spent way more time on the computer e-mailing customers than actually sewing orders and making money. This weekend we're heading to a little Bavarian-themed village in the Cascades called Leavenworth.  I've been there once before, when I flew to Seattle in 2009 for my brother's wedding. Mike's never been since he was in Iraq at the time. It's so charming. Lots of yummy German food (with plenty of veggie options--I love WA!) and even more importantly, loads of good German bier! We're going with my brother and sister-in-law and it should be a really fun time.

Speaking of my brother, you might remember that I posted a few months ago that he was diagnosed with azoospermia. He had his testicular biopsy several weeks ago and finally got the results yesterday. The doctor explained to him that the reason the test results take so long is because it's basically like finding "Where's Waldo" in Manhattan. Anyway, the bottom line is that they found sperm which means my brother is capable of having children! That's the best news I've had in a long time and I'm so happy for the two of them. They are going to meet with the doctor next week to discuss their options but they'll likely be heading down the IVF road too.


I hope all of my lovely readers have a wonderful weekend. BIG CONGRATS go out to Mrs. E and Diana for their recent BFPs. I wish them both sticky babies and pregnancies full of wonderful memories.

Bravo Foxtrot November.

I had dreams last night about waking up in the morning and having a positive pregnancy test. It didn't happen.  Big fat stark white negative. I'm pretty sure it was laughing at me. "How stupid could you be? You actually think you're pregnant after all this time?!"

I've started spotting a little bit, which is always a sure sign that AF is just days away. I know they say that it's not over until the fat lady sings but I always spot before my period. For some reason the spotting decided to start late this month.  If she doesn't show by Monday then I will call the IF clinic and request a blood test. My sister never got a +HPT with my niece. Can you believe that after all these months and negative tests I am still trying to make excuses and find reasons why my test was a BFN this morning?! It's ridiculous, really.......

Do You Hear That?

It's the fat lady singing. IUI #2 was officially a BFFN. Femara, here I come!

Not Pregnant.

Cycle 27 is over. IUI #1 = Big Fat Failure. Good thing I had my long cry the other day when I first started spotting.

We're taking a break from Clomid this cycle since Mike is supposed to be leaving any day for the field and we don't want to 'waste' one of our last three remaining Clomid cycles (my RE will only let us do six total) if he might not even be here.  Since I most likely won't get pregnant that means I'll get my period while we're in England and we'll have to take that cycle off too since I won't be here to get the prescription. Looks like IUI #2 will be in late June.  I'm also giving up charting for these two cycles.

So long Cycle 27. You were a bitch. 

I fucking hate infertility.

Dude, Where's My Period? 15DPIUI

BFN but my temp went up this morning. What the hell is going on? I know I shouldn't give my chart much credence at this point. I've had so many charts where I could have sworn I was pregnant only to be disappointed at the end of the cycle.
TMI WARNING:  I am having nasty, thick brownish/cream discharge. Last night it was watery right before bed and only twinges of brown. I still feel like I'm on my period but when there is no blood when I check. My LP is never this long. I am blaming the trigger shot.

Story of My Life. 14DPIUI

BFN this morning but still no AF.  I'm spotting and having serious AF-like cramps--the kind that make you rush to the bathroom because you feel like you've started. :sigh: My temp is still above the cover line though I've been told I shouldn't trust temping on medicated cycles.  I'm thinking that the HCG shot most likely lengthened my LP which I don't have my full-on period yet.  I wish my RE would do a beta on me so that I'd know one way or the other. Right now my gut is telling me that I'm not pregnant just because this is exactly what happens every.single.month. right before I start my period.

For your viewing pleasure. Proof that this IUI is most likely a failure. Of course the mysterious second line from yesterday is not there any more which only proves one thing: I'm crazier than I thought.

Big Fat Fucking Fail

I woke up this morning to a full bladder and was so certain that I was going to get my BFP today after yesterday's temperature. Wrong.  That's what I get for hoping, right?  My temperature went down and when I got to the bathroom I had a first row seat for AF's pre-game show. Cycle 27 is over and just in time for Mother's Day. I haven't been this upset about AF in a long time. I felt like we actually had a shot with the IUI.  Even though I know I have no control over what is happening with my body I feel like a failure.

Sobbing, I called Mike to tell him and I immediately started apologizing but he told me to stop. He said he doesn't blame me and that it's not my fault.  Why do I feel so guilty then?  Why is my body failing month after month? 

I just walked into the bathroom and infertility decided to play a cruel joke on me. There was a second line on this morning's test. My heart skipped a beat even though I KNOW that those results aren't valid after ten minutes. Maybe there wasn't even a second line. Maybe I've been staring at all my negative pregnancy tests for so long that my eyes are playing tricks on me.  I keep going into the bathroom to look at the second line even though I know it's not real. Pathetic, right?  A second line, however inaccurate, was just a cruel, cruel joke.

So today isn't officially CD1 since I'm only spotting so I'm not going to call the IF clinic just quite yet.  I'm hesitant to waist one of my three remaining Clomid cycles when Mike might not even be here during my fertile time to do IUI this cycle.  He is determined to try again this cycle though so he wants me to call to get my next prescription of Clomid.  So....moving on to IUI cycle #2 and this time we'll be in a foreign country when we find out if I am pregnant or not.

I hate that infertility has robbed me of so many joys.  My husband and I will be spending our seventh wedding anniversary in LONDON in three weeks and all I can feel is the pain in my heart that we're not taking a baby with us. Mike and I will be celebrating seven years of marriage. Some have been worse than others (those who have been through multiple deployments know what I'm talking about) but for the most part they have been seven wonderful years yet all I can think about right now is how we've been married for seven years and have zero children to show for it. 

Apparently pregnancy is an elusive disease and this cycle was one big fat fucking failure.

10DPIUI

Last night I had a dream that I got a BFP in the morning and woke Mike up with the best news ever. Oddly, as I was POAS in my dream the song "I Would Die for That" was playing in the background.

I ended up waking up at 0630, took my temp (it was still up--yay!) so I decided to POAS- I bought some Early Pregnancy Tests that detect as little as 10 mIU/ml.  BFN. It's still early--I have to keep telling myself that.  No spotting yet so that's good too.  Just a few more days and I will be officially "late." Fertility Friend has Wednesday as my test date. I am going crazy and can't seem to step away from Dr. Google or FF's Chart Gallery. Aaaaaah!