"It's a Sickness."

Hello, my name is Megan and I am a POAS addict. It's a sickness.  Always have been but it has been particularly bad since we started treatments. I've tested like this after every.single.IUI. which makes the fact that we actually got a BFP this cycle all the more amazing.  A few people in my life don't understand that apparently and I feel like they're trying to burst my bubble, whether they mean to or not. They've asked me about false positives and doubted my pregnancy because it hasn't been confirmed by a doctor. ::sigh::  I guess I'm still in such shock that I'm in a position to be easily persuaded that it might not be true.

Is there really any denying this?

Yesterday I went to the garage and pulled down a long forgotten box. I've been collecting baby clothes since 2006, when my neighbors started offering me hand-me-downs.  I haven't purchased many items but the ones I have purchased are so special. They've been tucked away for years (purchased after I naively thought I'd get pregnant right away) and I pulled them out yesterday just so I could look at them. I really hope I get to keep them out and actually use them in nine months.

Punk Rock Baby.

Vintage Tattoo Hot Sling

I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I really don't think there's any denying that I am pregnant but having a medical professional confirm it will help me feel better.....I hope. I told Mike last night that I feel like this is a total mind fuck because of all my "symptoms." I don't know what's a side effect of the PIO versus a pregnancy symptom and I don't know what's real and what's just in my head. It's just crazy.  I feel on the verge of tears all.the.time..  Yesterday I was starving but nothing sounded or tasted good. I had three different dinners before settling on a bowl of cereal, which I had to force myself to eat.  I finally got the courage to vacuum because I fight a never-ending battle of fur control. It exhausted me. Luckily, my amazing sister sent me the most awesome gift for the days when I don't feel like doing anything: The complete series of Gilmore Girls--my FAVORITE. I've been DVRing re-runs for years but now I don't have to anymore!

Since finding out I am pregnant I have had a very difficult time with "survivors guilt" and being on the other side of infertility. How do you deal with the guilt of getting pregnant while so many others are still struggling? Several months ago, I started a local support group for infertiles and now I have no idea how to act around them. In the rules of my group I ask that everyone practice sensitivity in announcing BFPs or talking about their children if they're dealing with secondary IF. We're having a lunch get together on the 17th and I feel like I have no business going now. I feel guilty for answering questions about how I'm feeling. I just don't want to be the one to rub salt in anyone's wounds.  I read a cycle buddy's blog last night and unfortunately her IVF ended with a BFN. My heart broke for her as I read her words because up until three days ago I could literally have imagined myself writing a blog entry very similar to hers. I don't expect everyone to be sincerely happy for me. I've been in there.  I know how absolutely devastating someone else's BFP can be. I don't want my happiness to cause anyone's heartache but I've waited nearly four years to celebrate and I deserve to be happy, right?  Even if I am only 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I feel like I no longer belong in the IF community but I definitely can not relate to the "I-got-pregnant-on-a-whim" community (I joined Pregnant Fort Lewis wives last night. Gag me, seriously).  I am just not sure how to deal with this.