My First Mother's Day

I used to dread Mother's Day. I hated the stupid commercials that started in April. I hated the displays of flowers and chocolates in stores. At every turn I was reminded that I wasn't a mom, that my body was a failure. But finally, finally....yesterday was different. Yesterday, my first Mother's Day, was a perfect day.

I woke up to kisses from my miracle baby and a message in a bottle--Mike wrote me a poem about motherhood and surviving infertility. It made me cry! I am so lucky.

Our original plan was to spend the entire weekend at the beach but the weather on Saturday was crappy so we just went for the day yesterday. Oh my gosh--so gorgeous! We went to Santa Rosa Beach, near Seaside, FL--where The Truman Show was filmed! The clearest, bluest water I've ever seen. So perfect. It was about 80 degrees, no wind and the water felt awesome!

Hazel wasn't crawling the last time we were at the beach so I thought for sure she'd be all over this time. She was so good! She was happy to stay in our little tent and play with her toys, only crawling away when one of us encouraged her to do so. It was a perfect day.

This stuff feels weird.

This stuff looks weird too.



Does it taste good?

I'm so lucky to have him.

I just love her.

 

 

She was having so much fun!

She loves giving slobbery kisses now!

 I can't even begin to describe how much I love breastfeeding. It is so empowering to know that my body is sustaining Hazel. I love the bonding and love that is shared between us and I love the way she gazes up at me when she nurses. For me, breastfeeding Hazel is the epitome of motherhood. For my first Mother's Day I wanted nothing more than a beautiful picture of me nursing my miracle baby. Mike took several throughout the day but this was my favorite one. When Hazel has kids of her own and I'm old and gray, I will look back on this picture and remember how special our breastfeeding time was, how in love we were.  It was a perfect day.

 

20 Weeks Bumpdate

20 Weeks and Half Baked

How big is baby? The size of a cantaloupe.
Symptoms: Acne and horrible constipation. Headaches if I don't drink enough water and I get worn out pretty easily. I started using Bio Oil and so far I haven't had any new stretch marks on my boobs but they're starting to get really itchy! I haven't thrown up in three weeks thanks to my new BFFF, Zofran.
Total Weight Loss/Gain: No clue. I know I've gained more now that I am able to eat!
Maternity Clothes: All the time except my pajamas. My bump has really come out to play!
Sleep: I am sleeping much better these days. I love snuggling my body pillow. I think I should name him.
Best Moment This Week: Feeling outside baby kicks!!
Gender: GIRL!!!!
Movement: I am pretty sure I can tell her when she's awake now. I can definitely feel her moving around in there and every now and then I will feel an outside kick. Best.feeling.ever.
Food Cravings: I'm not really craving things but when I get hungry I HAVE to eat right away because I'm absolutely ravenous and you don't want to even talk to me until I'm fed.
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button In or Out? Still in but getting more and more shallow every day.
What I miss: Beer.
What I am looking forward to: Our big ultrasound on 4/3. I can't wait to see our baby girl on screen again.
Next Appointment: 4/3 for our big ultrasound.
Weekly Wisdom: Seriously, don't skimp on the water intake.
Milestones: Mike commented that my belly now sticks out farther than my boobs--does that count? Outside baby kicks. I LOVE it.

Bare belly at 20 weeks.

I can hardly believe I am officially halfway there!! Some days it's still hard to believe that I'm actually pregnant, let alone halfway finished with my pregnancy. We will be bringing home a baby girl in a just a few months. INSANE! I have been struggling with that a little bit this pregnancy--denial.  I know I'm pregnant but infertility has left me scarred and fear of loss has prevented me from getting too terribly attached, I think. I feel guilty for saying that but it's true. Self preservation maybe? However, now that I'm feeling her more and more and we're really beginning to get things ready for her arrival I am happy to say that I am feeling much more connected to my baby. I LOVE being pregnant and will definitely be sad when this incredibly special time is over. For those of you who are wondering, no we don't have a name picked out yet.  We have an idea of names we like but we're not going to name her until we meet her and we're keeping our choices a secret. You won't know our LO's name until she's introduced to the interwebs.

I finally went through and washed the clothes our friends gave us. Check out baby girl's closet now! Newborn and 0-3 month clothing is on top and the bottom to bars are 3-6 month clothing. Wow! All I have to say is that she'd better still be a girl at my ultrasound on Tuesday!!!

Earlier this week I was actually feeling well enough to head to the gym for a long walk on the treadmill. The weather here is still pretty crappy (40s and raining) and I hate the cold so to the gym we went! I don't think my Seattle Sounders shirt is going to fit much longer!! My bump has really come out these past few weeks. Thank GOODNESS no strangers have tried to touch me yet because I don't think they'd like what I'd do back to them very much.

This week and weekend has been rather exciting and eventful. First, Mike find out that Fort Rucker, AL is available as a re-enlistment option.  It wasn't on our list originally but since starting my research I really haven't heard any drawbacks to the place. I love being close to my brother (he's only an hour away in Seattle) but Rucker would be within driving distance of both sets of this little one's grandparents as well as both my sisters.....and only SEVEN hours from Walt Disney World (if you're a long time follower of my blog then you'll know this is very exciting!)  Mike's been in the Army for 8 years and we've been at Fort Drum and Fort Lewis--both duty stations have gorgeous summers but are less than desirable the other parts of the year. I can't imagine being stuck inside with a toddler here for 9 months out of the year because all it does is rain.  It would be absolutely lovely to live somewhere with sunshine and warm weather for a change. The biggest thing drawing us to Rucker right now is the fact that it comes with stabilization for at least two years. Stabilization = no deployments. With a baby girl on the way, one we've waited a very long time for, this sounds absolutely amazing. Of course I'm a little (a lot) nervous about living in that part of the country, surrounded by uber conservative bible thumpers, but I would live almost anywhere if it meant keeping our family together. A deployment will be hard no matter when it happens but I think it's really important for him to be here for all the first big milestones. Here's the scary part--we don't know when we'd move. It could before the baby comes or it could be right after. I'm not sure which is scarier--the prospect of moving in the third trimester or with a newborn and four animals. We should know more tomorrow once he talks to his retention officer. Please send happy thoughts that it works out for our family!

On Friday my sister in law, the one who is expecting twins, was taken to the ER for bleeding. She got off the bus and by the time she walked three doors down to her house there was blood all over her jeans. My brother called me in a panic on his way home to pick her up. The ER doc was able to find the babies' heart beats right away but they admitted her for observation and an ultrasound. She was admitted around 8 on Friday evening and didn't see a doctor again until around 3 Saturday afternoon. Isn't that absolutely ridiculous? Very thankfully, the babies and SIL are healthy and well. They think her bleed was caused by partial placenta previa and seems to be a one time thing--hopefully! She's on bed rest for the next 3-4 days but I'm sure she's okay with that, considering the alternative. How scary!

Today we had to make an emergency trip to the vet with our eight year old lab/husky mix, Zero. One of the great things about our new house on post is that there are lots of squirrels for our girls to chase. The downside is that sometimes our aging pups get a little too rambunctious. Today was one of those days for poor Zero. We heard a yelp from the yard and didn't notice anything at first but then I saw that there was blood dripping from Zero's paw. Mike tried to take a closer look but she wouldn't let him touch it. The bleeding wouldn't stop and we knew we needed to take her to the vet right away. She tracked blood all over the vet's office and actually had to be put in two different rooms because she got so much blood on the floor of the first one. The vet bandaged her up to try to get the bleeding to stop so they could anesthetize her to take a better look. They thought she might have lacerated her nail and paid and would need some stitches. Other than the first yelp of pain, she wasn't acting abnormally. She was her normal, happy, goofy self in the office.




We left her there and went home for a few hours, waiting for news. She ended up ripping her nail completely (we think she got it caught on the fence when she was trying to get to the squirrel) to the bed so they clipped it down and cauterized the wound. No stitches, thankfully. Her pad and paw are fine. She's on pain meds and antibiotics and has to wear The Cone of Shame for the next 7 days. She seems to be okay though--as soon as we got her home she went to the door and wanted to go out and chase the squirrels again! Her paw is bandaged and she has a little plastic booty we have to put on her when she goes outside to potty. Poor, poor pup! At least she's okay. Hopefully the remainder of this weekend will be uneventful and we can relax!

Cone of Shame

Another Christmas with Empty Arms

Cycle #2 of Clomid was officially a bust. If I would have gotten pregnant this month my due date would have been 12-19-11.  Looks like I'll be spending another Christmas with empty arms. I just read something that says a lot of couples with unexplained IF have to go on to IVF.  I guess we need to start saving now since it is going to take us forever to come up with 10k.
Last night Mike and I had a military ball in downtown Tacoma, our first since moving from Fort Drum.  It was okay--definitely not the same caliber of party that we had with 6/6 CAV. We were really missing our friends and were sad about so many of them being in A-stan right now, especially with all the government shite that happened this week.  It was the first and only time I've been homesick for Fort Drum in the year since we left. The worse part was when IF almost ruined, well it did ruin, my night.
I was making small talk with a group of ladies when a few women came up to the woman standing next to me and started rubbing on her belly--she found out last weekend she was pregnant. At that moment I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. My face must have given me away because Mike's boss' wife (who is a fb friend) leaned in to me and said, "It will be your turn soon, Megan....." I wanted to run away for a good cry but as I turned around to excuse myself from the conversation I found myself face to face with a woman with a beautiful, big pregnant belly.  AM I THE ONLY INFERTILE ARMY WIFE IN EXISTENCE?!
We haven't been to church in months and we both really miss it but we're afraid to do. This time of year is full of announcements about upcoming Vacation Bible School and Mother's Day Brunches-just more painful reminders that we're not parents. Our infertility is becoming increasingly difficult to accept and deal with. We feel so isolated; we dread meeting new people and answering questions like, "How many kids do you have?" "Do you want kids?" "Why don't you have kids?" I hate IF. 

A Poem on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that ...I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which

I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face,

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother...

-Unknown.