I have several friends who are struggling with infertility as well. They are internet "strangers" but sometimes I feel like that know my own heart better than many people I know in real life. Today, one of my dear friends posted a beautiful music video on Facebook with an emotional song about wanting to have a child. I've seen it before but it still made me cry. I wanted so badly to click 'share' and post it to my Facebook wall. I want to come out of the Infertility Closet. I want to have the support of my real life friends rather than feeling like we're going through it alone. I don't know what is stopping me. Maybe because I don't want to get unwanted advice---if one more person tells me to "relax and it will happen" I just might go Courtney Love on their ass. Maybe I'm scared because it is so incredibly personal. I don't want pity from anyone and I definitely don't want empathy from someone who had to try a whole three months. I'm in the dreaded two week wait right now and having all my usual phantom symptoms. I'm really struggling today. For my readers who are also struggling with IF--how did you 'come out?' What do you do to not feel so alone?
Aug 27, 2010
Aug 20, 2010
Update on Mike's Knee and Swimmers
He had his final PT appointment yesterday and met with the head physical therapist today for a consult. His knee has gotten worse! The muscles in his leg have weakened since he injured himself so I can only imagine how much worse he would be if he hadn't been doing therapy to try to maintain the strength. The therapist wants him to wean himself off the crutches. Insanity! Mike feels like his leg is going to buckle underneath him. He's supposed to start with one crutch and then go to a cane.
Since he doesn't see the orthopedic surgeon until the 31st and he doens't have a surgery date yet they want him to continue PT. He now goes twice a week in addition to pool PT twice a week. Poor guy has to do PT four days a week now!
We also got the results for Mike's second semen analysis. s/a #1 showed that everything was great except the "viability." Mike had 38% viability according to my OB/GYN and I had a hell of a time figuring out what that meant.
According to Mike's doctor:
Mike's count was 50 million
Morphology is great
Mike's motility was only 37% so now I'm wondering if what my OB/GYN meant was motility and not viability.
Mike's doc said that the results are pretty much the same as the first time so that leads me to believe my doctor was wrong in telling me the viability was low. So I said to Mike, "So only 38% of your sperm are moving in the right direction?" He said "Yup. The rest are stupid. They're probably the girl ones." I responded, "Yeah right. I bet the boys are the stupid ones." Mike said, "Yeah you're right. They're probably too busy comparing the size of their tails." Hahaha!
Anyway, his doctor asked Mike if I had been tested and he said yes and that's why he was being tested. I guess he mentioned our referral to the IF so he ordered a consult and a blood work up for Mike which he is supposed to do today.
According to logic and reasoning (and the math of my trusty science geek friend) 38% of 50 million is a lot better than 38% of 'normal' which is 40 million. They like to see 50% motility= 20 million. 38% of 50 million= 19 million which means Mike is just slightly below normal. So while his s/a came back a little low it's not a huge red flag and we still don't know why, after 18 cycles, I'm still not pregnant.
Mike's grandma will be here in a few hours and I hope they have a nice visit even though Mike's SCO just told them that key personnel have to show up for work tomorrow--including QC. What am I going to do with his grandparents for two days? Gah
Since he doesn't see the orthopedic surgeon until the 31st and he doens't have a surgery date yet they want him to continue PT. He now goes twice a week in addition to pool PT twice a week. Poor guy has to do PT four days a week now!
We also got the results for Mike's second semen analysis. s/a #1 showed that everything was great except the "viability." Mike had 38% viability according to my OB/GYN and I had a hell of a time figuring out what that meant.
According to Mike's doctor:
Mike's count was 50 million
Morphology is great
Mike's motility was only 37% so now I'm wondering if what my OB/GYN meant was motility and not viability.
Mike's doc said that the results are pretty much the same as the first time so that leads me to believe my doctor was wrong in telling me the viability was low. So I said to Mike, "So only 38% of your sperm are moving in the right direction?" He said "Yup. The rest are stupid. They're probably the girl ones." I responded, "Yeah right. I bet the boys are the stupid ones." Mike said, "Yeah you're right. They're probably too busy comparing the size of their tails." Hahaha!
Anyway, his doctor asked Mike if I had been tested and he said yes and that's why he was being tested. I guess he mentioned our referral to the IF so he ordered a consult and a blood work up for Mike which he is supposed to do today.
According to logic and reasoning (and the math of my trusty science geek friend) 38% of 50 million is a lot better than 38% of 'normal' which is 40 million. They like to see 50% motility= 20 million. 38% of 50 million= 19 million which means Mike is just slightly below normal. So while his s/a came back a little low it's not a huge red flag and we still don't know why, after 18 cycles, I'm still not pregnant.
Mike's grandma will be here in a few hours and I hope they have a nice visit even though Mike's SCO just told them that key personnel have to show up for work tomorrow--including QC. What am I going to do with his grandparents for two days? Gah
Aug 6, 2010
Our Journey to the Infertility Clinic
M and I started TTC in February of 2008. I began charting and using OPKs. Everything was working as it should but I never conceived and when I asked my doctor about it she dismissed me and said, "You're young. You know too much. Relax and it wi;l happen." Yeah, right...
He was deployed to Iraq from October 2008-October 2009 and we began trying again in October of 2009. We had a crazy few months that consisted of a trip to Walt Disney World, the holidays, and our cross-country move from New York to Washington. In March of 2010 I resumed charting and OPKs. After our 12th month of TTC I made an appointment to see my primary doctor in May. I told her how long M and I had been TTC and about my painful periods. She put in an order for a pelvic ultrasound and a referral to an OB/GYN but we were told we had to try for 12 consecutive months before we could get a referral for a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Six weeks later I had the ultrasound and saw the ob/gyn. My u/s came back as abnormal (cyst on my left ovary) and I had to wait another six weeks for the follow up u/s. My bloodwork came back clear and my follow up u/s showed that the cyst was gone.
The IF clinic just called me and they are going to mail us a packet to fill out and we have an appointment on 20 Sep for a consult! We will be in our 19th month of actively TTC. Finally having an appointment with the infertility clinic is very bittersweet. I'm THRILLED I finally got someone to take us seriously and we will hopefully be one step closer to holding a baby in our arms. However, I am sad at the same time. We're infertile. We're infertile. We're infertile while people around us are getting pregnant unplanned and having kids they can not afford to take care of. We're infertile and the sight of pregnant bellies makes me want to cry. I hate infertility and I pray to God that we'll be holding a beautiful baby in our arms by this time next year.
Acronyms you need to know:
TTC= Trying to Conceive
IF= Infertility
MFI= Male Factor Infertility
FF= Fertility Friend
OPK= Ovulation Predictor Kit
RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist
AF= Aunt Flo aka Period
He was deployed to Iraq from October 2008-October 2009 and we began trying again in October of 2009. We had a crazy few months that consisted of a trip to Walt Disney World, the holidays, and our cross-country move from New York to Washington. In March of 2010 I resumed charting and OPKs. After our 12th month of TTC I made an appointment to see my primary doctor in May. I told her how long M and I had been TTC and about my painful periods. She put in an order for a pelvic ultrasound and a referral to an OB/GYN but we were told we had to try for 12 consecutive months before we could get a referral for a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Six weeks later I had the ultrasound and saw the ob/gyn. My u/s came back as abnormal (cyst on my left ovary) and I had to wait another six weeks for the follow up u/s. My bloodwork came back clear and my follow up u/s showed that the cyst was gone.
The IF clinic just called me and they are going to mail us a packet to fill out and we have an appointment on 20 Sep for a consult! We will be in our 19th month of actively TTC. Finally having an appointment with the infertility clinic is very bittersweet. I'm THRILLED I finally got someone to take us seriously and we will hopefully be one step closer to holding a baby in our arms. However, I am sad at the same time. We're infertile. We're infertile. We're infertile while people around us are getting pregnant unplanned and having kids they can not afford to take care of. We're infertile and the sight of pregnant bellies makes me want to cry. I hate infertility and I pray to God that we'll be holding a beautiful baby in our arms by this time next year.
Acronyms you need to know:
TTC= Trying to Conceive
IF= Infertility
MFI= Male Factor Infertility
FF= Fertility Friend
OPK= Ovulation Predictor Kit
RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist
AF= Aunt Flo aka Period
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