My Addiction is Killing Me.

My Facebook addition, that is.   I am so tired of logging on there and being smacked in the face with numerous pregnancy announcements, ultrasound photos, status updates like "I've been pooped and peed on but it's all worth it because I'm a MOM!" Facebook is the obvious and most logical place to attention whore yourself these days, I get it, but it's just too much to take sometimes.
Thank goodness today is Friday! This week has been so BLAH. I've been in a funk ever since I went to the ball. Yesterday I made a baby sun hat as a baby shower gift. M took it to work to give to his buddy so that we wouldn't have to go to the shower.  I soooo could not deal with that right now.

T.G.I.F.   FUIF!!

Infertility is the Bad Dream I Can't Wake From

Infertility has been paralyzing me for months. I'm terrified to meet people and small talk sends me into anxiety attacks.  I just can't handle it. I have been having horrible dreams lately.  Dreams where I'm bawling and telling people that I am the reason Mike isn't a father and that I'm terrified he's going to leave me. In awake-land Mike has assured me that this isn't going to happen, of course! Last night I dreamed that I was crying and telling someone else about the other dream. Dreaming about a dream! Only this wasn't Inception and there was no kicker. I couldn't wake up from this nightmare and I felt like I was crying all night long. Infertility is now paralyzing me even when I sleep and I hate it.

Wordless Wednesday

I've decided to start doing Wordless Wednesday where I post a picture instead of writing a blog post. Here's my first Wordless Wednesday post!

Another Christmas with Empty Arms

Cycle #2 of Clomid was officially a bust. If I would have gotten pregnant this month my due date would have been 12-19-11.  Looks like I'll be spending another Christmas with empty arms. I just read something that says a lot of couples with unexplained IF have to go on to IVF.  I guess we need to start saving now since it is going to take us forever to come up with 10k.
Last night Mike and I had a military ball in downtown Tacoma, our first since moving from Fort Drum.  It was okay--definitely not the same caliber of party that we had with 6/6 CAV. We were really missing our friends and were sad about so many of them being in A-stan right now, especially with all the government shite that happened this week.  It was the first and only time I've been homesick for Fort Drum in the year since we left. The worse part was when IF almost ruined, well it did ruin, my night.
I was making small talk with a group of ladies when a few women came up to the woman standing next to me and started rubbing on her belly--she found out last weekend she was pregnant. At that moment I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. My face must have given me away because Mike's boss' wife (who is a fb friend) leaned in to me and said, "It will be your turn soon, Megan....." I wanted to run away for a good cry but as I turned around to excuse myself from the conversation I found myself face to face with a woman with a beautiful, big pregnant belly.  AM I THE ONLY INFERTILE ARMY WIFE IN EXISTENCE?!
We haven't been to church in months and we both really miss it but we're afraid to do. This time of year is full of announcements about upcoming Vacation Bible School and Mother's Day Brunches-just more painful reminders that we're not parents. Our infertility is becoming increasingly difficult to accept and deal with. We feel so isolated; we dread meeting new people and answering questions like, "How many kids do you have?" "Do you want kids?" "Why don't you have kids?" I hate IF. 

A Poem on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that ...I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which

I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face,

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother...

-Unknown.

Fare thee well, Cycle 26.

I've decided that my new tagline should be "Megan Holmes, always the aunt...never the mommy."
I am 10 DPO and 99% certain that AF is just around the corner.  We will do one more cycle of Clomid + TI before moving on to IUI, which we will start when we get home from England in June. The only thing positive about not being pregnant this month is that I can go visit when my newest niece or nephew is born in October. Oh--and I can drink at the CAV Ball we're going to on Saturday.  Drowning my sorrows in the Grog Bowl sounds like a good idea.
I'm not really sure how I feel anymore. I'm kind of numb to the entire thing, I think. Perhaps I'm numb simply because it hurts too much to actually let myself feel anything whether it be anger, frustration or sadness.  Frustration--that's an excellent way to describe this entire process.

Having a diagnosis of "Unexplained infertility with fertilization issues (insert WTF)"  is incredibly frustrating.  I just want answers.  I really wish I had a doctor who could sit me down and say "This is why you're not getting pregnant and this is what we should do to possibly achieve pregnancy." Wishful thinking.

2+ years of TTC, I'm exhausted and we haven't even really started "treatments" yet. I'm afraid to feel hopeful anymore.

Our trip to England is getting closer and closer though. We received our passports two weeks ago, Mike's attended his "anti-terrorism" briefing (Really, they handing him a packet of paperwork with a summary of crime reports in the UK and a list of all the embassies and consulates-ha.) I've made a bucket list of things that we want to see and do but that's about as far as it's gone.  Mike and I are incredibly busy right now and we can't wait for our vacation.  I will miss my fur kids a LOT but it will be so nice to just get away for awhile.

Nervous.

I'm finally having my hysteroscopy tomorrow. I'm really nervous about it. I'm nervous that it's going to be painful and I'm nervous that they'll find abnormalities that will require me to have surgery.  An answer as to why I'm not getting pregnant would be great but I really, really don't want to have to have surgery. I hope everything comes back clear and that we will finally be able to start treatments and do something PROACTIVE.
So, if you have time, please say a prayer for me tomorrow at 0800 pst when I'm  putting my feet in those cold stirrups and getting up close and personal with a camera. Talk about the money shot! Blech.

It Should Be Called Tri-Doesn't-care

So we went to the Tricare office on post to seek a referall to be seen at an off-post IF clinic. We were told that we can not get one since we have a clinic we can be seen at on post. First she tried to tell me that Tricare doesn't cover anything IF related and I had to tell her that she was wrong.  It's the same song and dance that we went through with Mike's knee only he had no choice but to be seen on post.  We have a choice--we can switch to Tricare Standard.


Right now I am on Tricare Prime and am seen at a MTF (Military Treatment Facility) and everything is covered 100%. Tricare will cover everything that is diagnostically relative to IF. They won't, however, cover anything once we start doing ART. The financial aspect of this option is great but we all know how well everything else has worked out. I saw my OB in MAY of last year to seek a referral for IF. I saw the RE in September and have not seen him once since. I may or may not have my hysteroscopy this cycle but who knows how long it will be before I can see the doctor for a follow up.

If we switch me to Tricare Standard then I will get to choose my RE but we will be financially responsible for $150 deductible, 20% co-pays (15% if they're a Tricare Network Provider but the IF clinic we are looking at is not in the network), and a $1,000 catastrophic cap.  The RE will have to call Tricare before every procedure to make sure it is approved by Tricare and if it isn't, we will have to pay for everything completely OOP.  I will not be able to be seen on post for anything anymore so we'd have to find a family practice doc and would have co-pays for that as well. I would no longer have access to the pharmacies on post and would have to get my meds either off post or at the satellite pharmacy on post which is often over-run with retirees.
 If we switch to Standard then we wouldn't be able to switch back to Prime for a year, which means if I DO become pregnant we would be responsible for those co-pays as well.  She said Tricare Standard will cover 100% of a routine pregnancy but won't cover any extra ultrasounds or anythign like that. We'd have co-pays on anything "not routine."


It's so incredibly frustrating and we don't know what we're going to do. When you're talking about IF testing a 20% co-pay is a LOT of money not to mention the drawback of being locked out of Tricare Prime for a year.

For right now I think we are going to wait out this 2ww and see what happens. If they can get me in for the hysteroscopy then we are going to do it at the MTF and let the Army foot 100% of the bill. If they tell me that I have to wait again then we are going to switch over. I'm going to call Triwest tomorrow and speak with someone else just to confirm everything with another source. I'm also going to call Seattle Reproductive Medicine to talk to them about becoming a patient. Wish me luck! This whole situation sucks.

It looks like I'm going to have to do a pro/con list a la Gilmore Girls.