The Baby Trail

I finished reading this book yesterday and just had to RAVE about it. I LOVED IT. It is a book that only an infertile woman could appreciate.  Baby Trail is a novel that tells the story of Emma, an Irish woman, who is on a quest to become pregnant only things don't go quite as planned. I literally laughed out loud more times than I could count. The book is extremely humorous, particularly the chapter where she grills her husband about his masturbation habits after she spends some time googling. Let's face it ladies. We've all been there, right?

When she decides to give OPKs and CM tracking a shot, Emma had me rolling with laughter, "The nuns probably omitted the chapter on rreproduction in case we got any ideas.  So where the hell did my cervix begin?" and "Oh my God, this was unbelievable.  It was horrendous.  I'd never be able to eat meringues again.  Egg white would never have the same appeal." If you're grossed out right now then you've obviously never obsessed over cervical mucus and probably shouldn't be reading this blog. Read my disclaimer.  You can't say that I didn't warn you.

Being infertile, we all know what it's like to be singled out for not being parents.  All the conversations seem to revolve around t-ball and dance class and little Sally's big science fair project. Lord help us if they're a newborn around because then the convo immediately shifts to labor pains and breast feeding and swollen ankles. Topics that we have absolutely nothing to contribute to.  After being the only childless couple at a dinner party Emma said to her husband on the way home, "On the way home I said to James that when we had kids, if I ever turned into a boring old fart who talked about cracked nipples on a Saturday night, he was to shoot me on the spot." 

It's no secret that infertility totally takes the fun out of sex.  How can sex possibly be fun when it's scheduled, when you have to buy special "sperm-friendly" lube? At some point, sex becomes work. "The problem with baby-making was that it had pretty much wiped out the spontaneous rip-your-clothes-off sex we were used too. Now it was all about timing and dates, whereas before we just hopped on each other whenever the mood took us.  The focus had changed from pleasure to which-is-the-best-position-to-help-the-sperm-reach-the-egg-quickly sex."  It's unfortunately true.

Although it was a fictional novel, it touched on some very real aspects of infertility. Like what it's like to feel your marriage being torn apart, like when you barely feel like yourself anymore and you're terrified your husband is going to leave you for someone more fertile.  "I was obsessed, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't control it.  I thought about having a baby all the time.  And everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant on their honeymoon, or after their first attempt, like Imogen.  What if I never got pregnant? What if there was something wrong with me that the doctors had missed? When I saw our friends with their children my heart ached.  I wanted that for us.  We'd be good parents, so what was it so bloody difficult? Well, one thing was for sure: I had to try to relax.  In this state, not only would I never get pregnant, but I'd end up alone."

One of my favorite parts of the entire book was the bit about Fertility Barbie at the IVF clinic. I don't want to spoil it because it is hilarious.  The Baby Trail was a breath of fresh air in the world of stuffy infertility books.  It was a nice break to read something entertaining and comical about infertility for a change rather than trying navigate my way through something that reads like a medical textbook.  I really, really enjoyed this book so I hope that some of you take my advice and read it. You won't regret it!

First Sale!

Some of you may remember that I started an Etsy shop called Works of A.R.T. to help raise money for our IVF.  At the time, I was in my 2ww fom IUI #3 and really didn't think we'd actually have to start saving, that the IUI was going to work. But here we are a few weeks later, we are officially moving on to IVF and I just made my first sale!

My new online buddy, Carole, mailed me a shirt to embroider for her daughter to wear to a celebration commemorating her doctor's 20th year of doing IVF. Carole is the one that told me about the clinic in Olympia and has been a huge help with guiding me through the steps. 

Oh...I still haven't heard from Patient Advocacy. Nice, right? So, here's our plan as of right now. Laparoscopy 25 August. I'll have the surgery and discuss our options at the Post-Op. If the Lap fixes" the "problem" and increases our chances of conceiving without IVF then we will most likely stick with the clinic on post for a few more months.  If the results of the lap are normal and we need to move to IVF then we will switch me to Tricare Standard so that we can see whatever doctor we want--without a referral. I need to call the doctor in Olympia confirm everything price-wise before we do the switch. What's the difference between Standard and Prime?  Mostly, the co-pays.  With Prime, I am seen on post and we pay nothing out of pocket (except for the IUIs, which we do at an off-post clinic). All my meds from the on-post pharmacy, where I always have to wait at least an hour I might add.  With Standard, we get to pick our doctor but there are co-pays for office visits, procedures and meds. I think our catastrophic cap would be $1,000 a year. I would not be allowed to go on post for anthing medical anymore which means we would be forfeiting our IVF slot at Madigan. Technically, Tricare doesn't cover any meds for an IVF cycle but I know several people who have had them paid for. It's all about the way the doctor codes it for billing purposes. So, I guess we'll see. If any of my readers have been through a laparoscopy, I would appreciate hearing your stories!

Harry Potter Giveaway on Fearlessly Infertile

I am always looking for new blogs to read, specifically infertility blogs and military/infertility blogs even more so. A few months ago I stumbled across Fearlessly Infertile by Christa and have been an avid reader ever since.

Christa just celebrated her 30th birthday at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (jealous!!!!) where she picked up these goodies for a giveaway on her blog! I'm a huge HP dork fan. I still have to finish my blog from our time in the North of England but  we actually left London from King's Cross just so I could get my picture at Platform 9 3/4 and we got to go to the castle that Hogwarts was based on in the first two movies. While in Whitby (the place where Dracula landed in England) I bought a shirt that says "Real men don't sparkle. Real men defeat dark wizards" and wore it to the premiere of Deathly Hallows Part 2. Hello, my name is Megan and I am a Harry Potter dork and I want to win this giveaway!

Denied.

This morning I had my appointment with my PCM to seek a referral to the off-post RE in Olympia.
 I saw my PCM less than three hours ago and my referral has already been denied. The head nurse from the IF clinic on post just called and said that they won't refer people off post because "Tricare doesn't cover infertility."  That's only partly true. How can that be true when I know PLENTY of people who are seen at off-post infertility clinics?! They will cover EVERYTHING except the actual IUI or IVF procedures.  The clinic in Olympia says they bill Tricare all the time and that I just need a referral. Madigan is refusing to give me one. This is so incredibly frustrating. I don't want to burn any bridges with the clinic on post, especially with my laparascopy scheduled for the 25th of August. It's a Catch 22 because I'd have no problem getting a referral to a civilian infertility clinic if we were at a duty station without one on post.  First, the IF clinic jerks me around for months because they can't see me when I need to be seen and now we have to wait an effing year for IVF. It's especially ridiculous because there's a perectly good RE who is ready and willing to see me NOW and who charges less for IVF than the cost on post, but I need that damned referral. So I'm stuck and right now I'm waiting to hear from the Patient Advocacy office. I really, really hope that they are able to help us.

Oh! I did finally e-mail my "not an apology" friend back. She called me today and we chatted for awhile. She asked me what was going on with us and as I was telling her about all of our procedures, tests and failed treatments she said, "Yeah. I can't believe we got pregnant on R&R. We were like WHAT THE FUCK?"  I started to tear up. How could she be so fucking insensitive? i wish I was a stronger person and that I would have told her to pull her head out of her ass.  So obviously I was right. She doesn't get it. If it doesn't affect her than it doesn't matter.  She is a good friend and we always had a lot of fun hanging out with them so I don't want to burn bridges, especially because they might be coming to Lewis, but I will not be talking to her about infertility anymore if I can help it.

Cycle #31

AF officially arrived yesterday at 15dpiui and it's safe to say IUI #3 was a failure. Now I have surgery to look forward to. I need to call the clinic and schedule it but I don't expect them to be able to see me anytime soon.
Mike opened to me this weekend, in his own way, and it was wonderful. I won't go into details but he is supportive of my decision to seek out a second opinion at the clinic in Olympia.  I'm not even sure if they're accept new patients but my first step will be to see my PCM about a referral and I have an appointment tomorrow at 1030! I think he's mostly worried about having to start from square one with all the testing and I hope that isn't the case. I want to check out the doctor, see if we'd be comfortable at his office and go from there. I've read a lot of good things about him. He personally calls his patients with all their results, only takes vacation once a year, is available all hours of the night for L&D, and truly gets invested in his patients. It is kind of mind boggling to think about seeing the same doctor at every appointment and to be doing an IVF cycle in a matter of months rather than a year is pretty exciting as well. He gives a 50% military discount so we could do two IVF cycles with him for the price of one at Madigan.  There are even more discounts if you donate your extra embryos to his research but I am not sure how I feel about that. I do know one thing--it will be really nice to be seen as an individual patient and not just another part of the baby making assembly line.

Bravo Foxtrot November.

I had dreams last night about waking up in the morning and having a positive pregnancy test. It didn't happen.  Big fat stark white negative. I'm pretty sure it was laughing at me. "How stupid could you be? You actually think you're pregnant after all this time?!"

I've started spotting a little bit, which is always a sure sign that AF is just days away. I know they say that it's not over until the fat lady sings but I always spot before my period. For some reason the spotting decided to start late this month.  If she doesn't show by Monday then I will call the IF clinic and request a blood test. My sister never got a +HPT with my niece. Can you believe that after all these months and negative tests I am still trying to make excuses and find reasons why my test was a BFN this morning?! It's ridiculous, really.......

Just call me Betty, Bitter Betty.

It's amazing how much a good cry takes out of you. When Mike got home from work last night I showed him my flowers and immediately started to tear up again. He wrapped his arms around me and I the flood of emotions I've been bottling up inside for months just started pouring out.  It's not fair that 14 year olds can get pregnant on their first time having sex. Or the woman who will deliver a crack-addicted baby? Or the teenagers who just graduated high school? Or my friend who got knocked up on R&R? The friend who expected me to understand her facebook pregnancy announcement.  Why would she think otherwise? Fertile people don't know anything about what it's like to go through the pain of months of negatives, despite your perfect timing and accurate charting, numerous painful procedures and tests or what it's like to have no idea the  actual number of people to have seen your vajayjay. They have no idea the incredible frustration we feel because we have no idea WHY I'm not getting pregnant. I've had friends say that they were really concerned and were so upset when they weren't pregnant after 2-3 months. You know what? Fuck you. Try 30. 30 God damn months.
How could anyone that gets pregnant so easily really understand that? I resent them. Call me bitter, but I resent them. Is it right for me to do so? No. After all, it's not their fault they are fertile fucking myrtle just as it's not my "fault" that my uterus is defective.
After my long cry, we curled up on the couch and watched Notting Hill, one of my all-time "feel good" movies. It's even better now that we've actually been to London.  Right now I have a potato casserole in the oven for the FRG picnic that I'm terrified to go to. After the week I've had, I don't think it will take much for someone to set me off and I am so tired of putting on a happy face because people don't know how to respond if I tell them what is really going on with us.  Combine that with the fact that I'm 13dpiui and most likely pms'ing, I wouldn't exactly call myself Susie Sunshine right now.

I've had zero spotting, which is abnormal for me since I normally spot 3-4 days before AF. No sore boobs, no bloating, nothing.  Fertility Friend has my test day as Sunday and I'm terrified to test. I do not want to see another negative as this was our last shot before moving on to surgery and IVF. Part of me is glad that this is our last month of drugs and IUI because it's just way too exhausting.  With each month that passes you tell yourself, "Okay. I'm not going to get my hopes up this month." It never works. You still put all your faith and hope that this month is going to be your month and when it isn't, it's like a part of your heart dies. A part of your heart dies and you never really get it back.  You lose a bit of yourself with each BFN, even more so during the months where you took fertility drugs and felt like you actually had a chance at a BFP.

I'm terrified that I may never become a mom; that it may never happen for us and that I will forever be the "cool aunt." After the roller coaster of these past six months, I have to say that I am kind of looking forward to our break in treatments.  The stressful phone calls to the RE, the trips to the lab for another pregnancy test that I know is going to be negative, the long waits in the pharmacy, the monitoring ultrasounds and the trips to SRM for the IUI.  Looking back, I can't believe how naive I was. I used to think that all I needed was a trip to the RE to get me pregnant. What a foolish thought.