Little Post-Op Complication

So I've been having some bathroom issues since my lap, which is to be expected. Last night I was having a lot of pressure down there so I thought I'd check things out. I inserted my finger into my vagina and felt something hard and with rough edges, almost like a water bottle cap. It was after hours so I couldn't call my clinic and I didn't feel like going to the ER on post. I had horrible nightmares last night about not really having surgery and being taken to the mother ship instead!

I called as soon as the clinic opened and THANKFULLY they called me back right away and said the doctor definitely wanted to see me. So they had a tool that basically cupped on my cervix to keep it in place. That tool snapped to a catheter that they put through my cervix to inject contrast dye to make sure my tubes are open. When my doctor went to tell MH that the surgery was over, the resident assisting him was supposed to be closing and cleaning me up. She removed the tool but the cap stayed inside me. He said that when he does it he always makes sure that the two pieces that snap together come out together. Apparently she didn't do this. My doctor was very apologetic and took responsibility for it even though he wasn't in the OR at the time. He removed it pretty easily with a speculum and forceps. I hope the resident gets her ass chewed out. I was FREAKING out when I felt it last night. I was scared to pull it out though for fear of damaging something.  I just don't understand how something like this could have happened. He said "you're a really good patient! Most wouldn't think to check it out. It could have been in there for weeks!" :/
I'm doing a lot better, but definitely still sore. Mostly on my left side where he removed all the endo. I've got some fresh bruises that I'm guessing are internal bruises finally making their way to the surface.  I am kind of glad I got to see him today since my follow up isn't until the 12th. Thankfully, everything looks healthy and he said we can start cycling as soon as I'm up to it!

Houston, We Have a Diagnosis

Houston, we have a diagnosis! I am a little out of it so bear with me. My doctor found endometriosis on my left side, partially blocking my left fallopian tube. My left ovary is kind of attached to the wall by my endo so it is not at the best angle.  Not sure what stage of endo since I was asleep when he was telling my husband and mom everything. He removed as much as he could without damaging my ovary. He cauterized the endo but also scraped below to kind of "uproot" it, which is why I am having so much pain. He said our chances of conception are greater now that the endo has been removed.  We are basically starting "fresh" now that the endo is removed and will try a few more cycles of ovulation induction and/or IUI before moving on to IVF. It would be amazing if I didnt' have to put my body through that.
The overall experience wasn't too horrible and all the doctors and nurses at Madigan were actually really nice. One part that sucked was the hospital's playing of lullabies every time a new baby was born--super annoying when you're there having surgery for infertility.

I am having some pain, getting up to use the loo is a PITA but they gave me oxy so I'm not doing too bad, just moving really slowly. The oxy made me sick last night and I threw up all over my couch. Thank goodness my mom is here to help out right now since moms clean up much better than husbands.

All my random pain, pain during intercourse, bleeding before AF and painful BMs during period....it all makes sense now. I'm just happy to finally have some answers. I'll obviously know more once I have a follow up. I thought for sure they'd make my follow up a priority at the clinic on post but she told Mike that they can't get me in before the 12th. Good Lord. Mike's been really wonderful and he even shaved my legs for me today.

So, we finally have answers. The endo didn't look too severe from the pictures I saw but apparently the doctor told Mike that there was quite a lot. The diagnosis of endo definitely sucks but I am thankful that we finally have answers. Time for another oxy. Night night! :)

Gremlins.

I have to apologize for my absence from the blogging world.  Mike's 30th birthday was on the 19th and so his family invaded our house beginning the 17th. The week leading up to the invasion was spent cleaning and catching up on orders before packing up half my sewing stuff to make room for an air mattress.

My mom flew in yesterday to help with my recovery since Mike will not have any time off work (thank you Army!) and will be here through Labor Day. My Laparoscopy is tomorrow and my report time is 0800. Not too early, thank goodness! I had my pre-op yesterday and it took 3.5 hours due to their "efficiency."

I met with Dr. C, my RE, who explained the procedure, the possibilities of what they might find and what will happen if they do find something.  Poor Mike  was nervous wreck! =( After I left the RE's office I had to go up to the surgical floor in the hospital and do blood work, vitals, speak with the anesthesiologist, and go over pre-op care. All this should have taken 45 minutes to an hour and I was there for over two--hurry up and wait!  So, tomorrow is the big day. I'm not freaking out too much yet but I am sure I will be in full panic mode once I get to the hospital. I had my tonsils out in third grade and I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe when they asked me to count backwards from 100. When I think about that, I start to freak.  While I don't want anything to be wrong, it'd be really nice to have answers and to no longer be "unexplained."  I really do think that they will find endo.  The surgery shouldn't take too long and I'll get to go home once I meet the discharge protocol--I think I have to pee?? I will try to post an update once I am lucid enough.

Have you ever noticed that when you have surgery you're basically like a Gremlin? You can't eat after midnight and you can't get wet afterwards.  Yes, I am a child of the 80s. Wish me luck tomorrow! 

Two Weeks Until Surgery

My laparoscopy is scheduled for two weeks and I'm starting to feel anxious. I'll admit, I'm a little nervous scared. Thank goodness my mom is flying out to take care of me since Mike won't have any time off work! If any of my readers have ANY experiences with laparoscopies, I'd really appreciate hearing them.

My request to see a civilian PCM was denied. I'm guessing it's because of the new satellite MTF clinic that was just built near me but more than likely it's because Tricare hates me.  Tricare Standard is sounding better and better. In other news, my brother is having his biopsy today to see if he's producing sperm. I'm really hoping for good results because I can't imagine the disappointment and pain he'll feel if he finds out he can't father children. =(

Tonight is the beginning of pre-season football and I can't wait to watch the Seahawks! I'm not a die hard fan (yet) but the fan base here is amazing. I'm more excited to see the Irish this season. We're actually ranked in the top 25 and everyone has high hopes for this year's team!  I'd better call Comcast to upgrade the cable to HD.....

FU Amazon.

 
I purchased this book for my Kindle because it was suggested based on a few other infertility books I recently bought and am absolutely outraged at Amazon's suggestion!  The basic synopsis is that the two main characters are opposite ends of the motherhood spectrum. One was an over-tired, married mother of two whose husband was a workaholic and basically left her to raise her kids alone.  The other woman was struggling to become a mother after over a decade of marriage.  She and her husband had a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, multiple failed IUIs and was moving on to IVF.  I enjoyed the book for the most part up until I was about 85% done. It was then that the couple's IVF procedure failed and their already fragile marriage began to fall apart completely.  The husband ends up having an affair with an old college friend  the day they received the news of the failed IVF! What happened next? You guessed it.  Old flame ends up pregnant. Infertile couple gets divorced. Why the HELL would Amazon suggest this book to me? Why would they group it with all of the other infertility support books?

One of our biggest fears, other than never hearing someone call us Mom, is our husbands leaving us for more fertile women.  Irrational? Maybe, but the fear is always in the back of our minds. I know not every IVF story has a happy ending but this book literally made me sick to my stomach and I'm furious with Amazon for even suggesting it to me. I did leave a review on Amazon and warned anyone who is undergoing infertility treatments to stay the hell away!

Closure: A Novel

Yesterday was the end of an era and a five-year long friendship.  Though, the more I thought about things, the more I realized that the friendship was over long before yesterday.

We met in August of 2006 when she moved to Ft. Drum from Texas. She had married a buddy of Mike's while he was home on R&R and we hit it off right away. Sure there were some things about her that drove me nuts, but that's friendship right?   She had a second baby in November 2007, a baby that she conceived after three months of TTC.  I remember her telling me that she was actually concerned that something was wrong after the second month of not getting pregnant. Over the next few years we spent a lot of time together, in spite of mine and Mike's disapproval of their parenting style.For example, it was regular occurrence for them to leave their baby unattended in her high chair eating finger foods while they went out on the porch to smoke. If I was there, I'd always stay inside to keep an eye on her.  I used to love to rock C to sleep and they would tell me that I was spoiling her and to put her down. They rushed C through her infancy and then complained about how their baby was such a big girl already when she was only 10 months old. She smoked in the car with her kids in the back and it drove me absolutely crazy.  Mike and her husband were really good work friends though and we always had a good time playing cards or board games with them so the friendship continued.  Mike and I were constantly annoyed by them and now that I look back, I don't know how we managed to put up with them so long!

We were mutual friends with another couple up until our friend's husband decided to spread rumors that Mike was sleeping around on me in Iraq. Any military wife can attest that rumors like that are poisoinus, especially during a deployment. Well, Mike and I stopped talking to them immediately but the other two couples remained friends.  I wasn't going to say, "Well if you're friends with her you can't be friends with me" because that's so high school. I did, however, request that she not talk to me about them anymore. I no longer cared about them and I wanted nothing to do with them after the rumors.  She repeatedly denied my request, insisting that they were part of her life and she couldn't avoid talking about them. Mike was having a really difficult deployment after losing four friends in a helicopter crash. It was particularly hard because he was the last crew chief with his hands on the aircraft before they went down so he felt partly responsible, even though the cause of the crash was determined to be enemy fire. He had to take part in the investigation--Picking pieces of your friends from wreckage messes with your mind for sure. Mike shut down on me for a few months, I was terrified that our marriage was over. Then those rumors surfaced and shattered my world. I said to my friend, "I'm so scared that Mikes' going to come home and tell me that it's over." Her response, "Well, he might." Thank you so much for your support.  By the way, if it's not obvious to you, Mike and I are doing loads better. :P

Then there was her oldest daughter from her first marriage.  Her oldest daughter is ADHD and my friend would always blame her piss poor behavior on the ADHD. Everything was blamed on the ADHD and even if her daughter was punished, she didn't understand the consequences (because of the ADHD, of course!) and would go right back to doing the same behavior. It made it very difficult to hang out with them; it's not very much fun when someone is constantly screaming at a child.  In the summer of 2008, during the second half of our second Iraq deployment, her daughter set their apartment on fire.  I would have to say that this was the turning point and the down fall of our friendship because of the events that played out after the fire.

She called me in the middle of the night, asking for the number to send a Red Cross Message to her husband in Iraq because their apartment building almost burned down. Her daughter had found a lighter, taken it into her closet and started a fire.  They lost almost everything and they didn't have renter's insurance.  She wasn't upset with her daughter though, of course the fire was due to the lack of impulse control caused by the ADHD. I couldn't believe it. Her daughter hid in her closet with the lighter, which tells me that she knew what she was doing was wrong but that she did it anyway.  The next day I went shopping and bought the girls a bunch of clothes and sent them to Texas. They had, after all, lost almost everything, right?

Her husband was sent home on emergency leave within 48 hours of the incident. During the two weeks that he was home on e-leave they moved into the new house they had just bought, had a house warming party, multiple barbecues and had a wonderful time. Two weeks prior to the fire, I had sold my house and hired movers to help move me into an apartment. My mom and sister came to help too since I was basically all alone with Mike deployed and all my friends out of the area during the deployment. I was a little jealous but I pushed my feelings aside because a house fire is a big deal!

What did they put in their new house? Didn't they lose everything in the fire?  Nope. The fire was contained in the bedroom closet before the apartment's sprinkler system kicked on.  The only items that were damaged were the blankets, a few clothes (most were in their dressers) and toys in the closet.  Most of the damage came from the fire extinguishers that the firefighters used and not the fire itself. Imagine my shock! Now, imagine the way I felt when I found out that her husband got to go home on emergency leave because of that. Was it scary? I'm sure it was! Did it warrant emergency leave? I'm not entirely sure. The more we discussed the fire, the more I realized exactly how much she exaggerated the situation. I was irate.

A few weeks after the fire, Mike had to have an emergency appendectomy. He's a stubborn man who hates the doctor so he did not go to sick call until he was ordered to do so. At that point, his appendix had almost ruptured. I thought of him waking up all alone after surgery and felt so terrible. I prayed for the Army to send him home early. There was only five weeks left in the deployment and Mike wouldn't be able to do anything that entire time.  My poor husband had to recover in his CHU with only a Johnny on the Spot for the bathroom. His unit did not send him home early. Can you imagine how upset and irate I was considering the circumstances under which my friend's husband was sent home just a few weeks prior? I know this was not her fault but this was the beginning of my resentment and the downward spiral of our friendship.

Our husbands came home in October 2009.  Mike got to come home on Main Body 1 instead of Main Body 2, an entire week early.  She was just visiting for the homecoming since she and the kids planned to stay in TX while he finished out his contract with the Army. They decided this would be a great time to try for baby #3, despite the fact that they were living separately and he planned to get out of the Army in a few months and had no job prospects in sight. At one point my friend told me, "We're not ashamed to take welfare if we have to." Nice, right?

The holiday season approached and she calculated that she was going to be ovulating over Thanksgiving. She actually packed up her two kids and drove from Texas to NY, not just to spend Thanksgiving with her husband but also because she was going to be fertile.  Mike and I were going to be in Indiana for Thanksgiving so we let them borrow our place while we were out of town. Can you guess what happened next? I'll take obvious questions for 200, Alex......  She got pregnant with baby #3. At this point, Mike and I had just resumed TTC (we had tried 8 months before deployment) so I wasn't at the bitter stage that I am at now.

Over the next several months Mike and I moved from Ft. Drum to Ft. Lewis and got settled in our new life. We were so glad to leave the drama at Fort Drum behind us! My friend's husband got out of the Army, moved down to Texas and they immediately went on welfare. I remember my friend calling me so excited because her family of four qualified for over $600 in food stamps a month. SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS.  I can't IMAGINE spending that much on groceries and was quite annoyed that they were eating like kings all the while continuing to buy their bourbon and cigarettes and complaining how broke they were.  He did finally get a job and works as a 911 dispatcher for almost 25k less than what he was making in the Army. 

Over the past year, our conversations have been strained. I began to realize that they brought all their problems on themselves.  He couldn't get promoted---he was lazy and flagged for his weight. They were broke--he got out of the Army after 10 years despite not having a job to go to. So many things! Even though she knew our infertility struggles, she continued to complain to me about never getting any alone time with her husband. Recently, she sent her kids away for three weeks. She couldn't wait to get rid of them for awhile yet the day after they left, she was posting on Facebook about how the house was too quiet and how she missed her kids sooo much. Give me a break. It started to get to the point where I'd groan whenever her name would come on on the Caller ID.  I didn't want to hear about her best friend worrying that she waited too late to start a family (she's 28) and that she was going to have infertility too, after hearing about my struggles.  I was tired of her. I had outgrown our friendship.

She called me on Thursday and I wrote her a message that simply said, "I need some space right now. I'm in a dark place and can't be the friend that I need to be." Initially she wrote me back and said that she'd respect my feelings and give me the space that I needed, but several hours later I received a long e-mail from her explaining that she could no longer be friends with me.  She felt I had too many rules.  There it is. The line in the sand. That elusive line between fertiles and infertiles.  Infertiles ask for some empathy, understanding and common courtesy and fertiles accuse us of being self absorbed. Obviously it's not always like this. I have a lot of wonderful, fertile women in my life and thankfully most of them make a valiant attempt to be sensitive to my feelings.

She used my blog against me. Remember my bit about insanity? She said that is what our friendship had become. I also don't think she was too appreciative of my remarks regarding parents that complained about their kids or resenting women who get pregnant so easily.  She said that I was too demanding with my requests for empathy and understanding, especially because I was not willing to reciprocate. Do I have a difficult time dealing with posts about children, baby showers, pregnancies, etc.? Hell yes. However, I have never said anything hurtful or insensitive to her or anyone else for that matter.  I try to avoid situations that upset me or make me uncomfortable. I use my blog to vent my frustrations and pain. She was tired of worrying that she was going to offend me but that she shouldn't feel guilty either. She said our friendship was a one-way road that she was not willing to travel down anymore and that she hoped I'd realize exactly how much I'm blessed.  Nice, right?

Much to my surprise, I wasn't incredibly hurt by her words.  They were, for the most part, true and she basically the same way that I did--that our friendship had been over for a long time.  I have been a lousy friend lately but the fact that she didn't realize WHY I wasn't able to be there for her just shows that she will never, ever know what it's like to be in my position.  She can't possibly begin to understand my pain, which is why I never called her when I was upset or hurting. She just doesn't get it. How can she? Three beautiful children that she easily conceived and that she took for granted every single day.  On one hand, I am incredible relieved to have closed the book on that chapter in my life.  This friendship was EXHAUSTING and weighing me down. I couldn't even remember why we were friends anymore. It's good that it's over but I'm kind of annoyed that she got the last word. Is that childish? Haha. She deleted me from Facebook too. Isn't it funny that 'un-friending' is considered a modern day insult? This inspired me though and I deleted several other people from my Facebook as well. It was very liberating.

I checked my blog tracker shortly after receiving her e-mail and saw that she had been stalking my blog for several hours, no doubt looking for a post like the one that I'm writing.  I've made my blog private for now. I hope that I'll be able to re-open it in a few months and make it public again. I know a lot of my readers didn't get to see my last post before I changed the privacy settings. I know this post was incredibly long and I don't really expect any feedback or comments. I needed to write this for me, to tell myself that it's okay to move on and that I'm not the bad guy in this situation.  Of course I have my faults too but I do not feel like I am a horrible person for reacting the way I have been these past several months.  People change in time and most of the time people grow up. Moving on is a good thing and I hope that cutting this negative friendship out of my life will only bring good things. Thank goodness for closure.

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning."

--- IVY BAKER PRIEST

Insanity.

 A wise man once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  By this definition alone, I am an insane woman.  Yesterday was CD12 and like clockwork, the OPK turned positive.  We've been doing this baby-making thing for 31 months now and yet each month, we expect a different result. Insanity.


This blog is my safe haven and let's face it, it hasn't been too full of happy posts lately. I've been pretty miserable. I feel like I've been in a downward spiral these last few months and these last few weeks have been the bottom of the barrel. I don't know how to fix it.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about our infertility other than what I'm already doing and it's hell. Pure hell.  I am tired of feeling like Jacob Marley, wrapped tightly in the chains that infertility has burdened me with.  As my disclaimer says, this is my outlet for my frustration, anger, fear, dreams, hopes....everything.  I do not apologize for anything I write here. This is my blog and I'm tired of feeling like I need to explain or defend myself what I write here.

Lately I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty for the way I've been feeling.  Did you get that?  I feel guilty for all the bitterness, resentment and anger that has been pouring out of my heart lately.  I feel guilty for being jealous of pregnant women. I can't stand people who complain about needing a break from their kids. Posts whining about the baby being up all night drive me into a fit of rage. Parents talking about how expensive school supplies are piss me the hell off. Don't these people realize how lucky they are?! Don't even get me started on the people who borrow my problems and talk about how worried they are they'll have issues getting pregnant.  I've come to the realization that my feelings are valid and that I should not feel guilty for the way I do. Infertility is hard. I'm in a dark and twisty place.  I can't fix our infertility but I can attempt to change the things I can control.  

So, I started with the mine field otherwise known as Facebook. An infertile's nightmare.   I am no longer going to allow myself to feel guilty when I click the "Hide" button or delete people from my friends list.  Obviously these people are doing something to upset me and I don't need anything else weighing on me right now. I'm also going to try really hard to practice self-control and stay off of other business pages.  Seeing people steal my designs and copy my ideas only upsets me. I don't need this negativity.  Secondly, I've told a few people that I need space. I just can't be a good friend right now and it's easier for me to step away than to put on a happy face and pretend to be supportive. Thirdly, I have stopped following a few blogs for various reasons.  I hate that it's so easy for me to get upset these days and some of these blogs have frustrated me for months. So...bye bye!  Lastly, I am going to try my damndest to focus on what I do have rather than what I do not have.

This is going to be the hardest one. Maybe I'll write some reminders on post-its and stick them on my mirror. You have a wonderful husband. You have a successful business. You are blessed with four wonderful fur-kids who make you smile and laugh daily. In the world of infertility it is so easy to forget these things and focus solely on the negative. I need to do better. I am going to need a positive attitude to get through this month and my surgery. I think from now on, I will try to end every blog post with something I am thankful for or something positive that happened during my day. So..today I am going to be thankful that I'm not pregnant because today was International Beer Day. One good thing about not being pregnant is that I can drink beer. So...cheers and Happy International Beer Day!

Megan vs. Tricare: Round Two

Yesterday I changed my PCM (Primary Care Manager for you non-military folks) to a civilian provider, one that has nothing to do with Madigan. Hopefully one that will send my referral directly to Tricare instead of Madigan and I can be seen at the RE in Olympia.  He's in the Tricare Network. I don't  I still haven't heard from Patient Advocacy. I'm not going to bother fighting with them until I see how Round Two goes first. I may have to break out the heavy gloves! I really need to write down  everything that I've had to put up with. Most recently, I got my CD3 blood work results which confirm that I do, in fact, have Diminished Ovarian Reserve. Do you think that I found this out from the IF cilnic? No. I had to call my PCM's office and they gave me the results over the phone. I've diagnosed myself based on the research I've done.  I haven't heard a word from the RE. The results of my CD3 labs (the labs that I had to fight for since they kept insisting that it'd be really rare for something to be off) came back in the normal ranges. However, the normal ranges cover a broad spectrum and a few of my hormones are actually a little high for my age.  These tests should have been the first thing the doctor did when I became their patient last September. I hate myself for listening to them and allowing them to keep telling me that I didn't need the blood work, that everything was fine.
 CD3 Lab Results:
Thyroid: 1.8
Estradiol: 55
FSH: 8.02
LH: 4.14

Coupled with my AMH of .85, it is very likely that the next time (when I actually get an appoitment) I see my doctor that I will be given the official word that I have DOR.  As far I know, this just means I have less eggs than I should at my age.  Because of my age, the doctors still expect my eggs to be of good quality but that's something they can't really know until we get to the IVF stage.  

I'm having doubts about moving right to IVF. I'm second guessing our decision to forgo the injectables and IUI. One of my RE's, Dr. B. said he doesn't like to do injectables and IUI because you can't control how many eggs actually fertilize. Makes sense. After all, this is the same treatment that allowed Kate Gosselin to become pregnant with sextuplets! The other RE, Dr. C., did give us the option of doing this treatment but said we would not have increased success, so we decided to opt for the lap/IVF route.  Now that I've been researching it, I don't understand why we wouldn't have an increased chance of success? You have the greatest chance of success in your first three rounds of IUI but since we'd be switching the protocol (i.e. drugs/treamtnet) my success rate should start fresh.  I've got a call into the IF clinic to discuss my lab results and I'm going to pretend I don't know what the results were. They probably won't give them to me over the phone so hopefully I can make an appointment and talk to them about everything.

So for now, I'm waiting for Tricare to approve the PCM change before I can make an appointment with her  Fingers crossed. If the referral doesn't come through then Mike and I are going to have to talk to Tricare again and have everything spelled out to us as far as what's covered and what's not covered if we switch to Standard. I still don't know what we'll do since we'd essentially be giving up our spot on the IVF waiting list.

I'm still having my laparoscopy on the 25th and am so happy that my mom will be flying in to be here for me.  Mike's having a crazy time at work right now and doesn't even know if he'll be able to get off for my surgery so I'm really glad my mom will be here.  What girl doesn't need her mommy every now and again?

Is it weird that I'm actually hoping they find endo or something? At least we'd have an answer as to why I'm not getting pregnant. Unexplained infertility is so incredibly frustrating! Maybe they'll find something, fix it and I'll be able to get pregnant without IVF. I know it's wishful thinking. Hope for the best but expect the worse.

Is it Really That Easy to Forget?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I will be like if when I get pregnant. Will I totally forget the pain we experienced during our infertility journey? Will I make an obnoxious, "I'm PREGNANT" announcement on the interwebs? Will I be annoying and post non-stop on Facebook about my pregnancy? Or post the infamous positive pregnancy test profile pic? Will I complain about swollen ankles or will I remember that others are still struggling and that I need to be sensitive to their feelings?

Maybe it's because I've never been pregnant but I just don't get how some women can forget the pain of infertility is as soon as the test pops up positive.  I get that you're excited and happy but did you really forget how much it hurts to have ultrasound photos in your face every time you go on Facebook? Thank God for the hide feature. I actually used it today on more than one occasion because of ultrasound photos and those annoying. "Re-post if you love your daughter!" status updates. Yesterday I deleted a fellow Army wife because she posted a profile picture of herself in her half naked, 19 year-old and pregnant glory with the word, "PREGALICIOUS!"  Barf. I also 'unliked' an Infertility Support page because it has been overtaken by women who are pregnant (including the moderator) or who already have kids.  When the moderator asks, "What was the positive of your day?" I don't want to read "Every day with my baby."

Or how about this little gem? I get that most pregnant women are blessed by the boob fairy (Please, oh please bless me too!) but do you really need to share it with the world. It's like cheap pregnancy porn.  For the record, this was not a facebook friend but a friend of a friend who did not make her profile private. Her mistake. Gag me. Seriously.

So, with blogger as my witness, I'm making a vow to never be THAT annoying pregnant girl.  I will never make my ultrasound my profile picture. I will talk about more than just the human growing inside me.  I will not make a Facebook pregnancy announcement before I tell any of my infertile friends first.  I really hope that I can keep myself in check, to not be obnoxious and to maintain my empathy for those of my friends who are still struggling. You have my permission to kick my ass if I do anything to the contrary.  Infertility is one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure and I just don't see how it's so easy for some people to forget the pain and suffering.

Gratification.

Several months ago I was all about pressing forward, pursuing aggressive treatment and couldn't stand the thought of taking a month off or waiting any longer. We are taking a break from fertility meds this month because of my laparoscopy on the 25th and it's actually been really refreshing! No hot flashes, night sweats and no crazy-hormonal-Megan! I feel like I somewhat have my sanity back, which is really nice and I'm sure Mike would agree with me.I've been keeping busy with orders, trying to keep my house as fur-free as possible (which is difficult as this is Zero's prime shedding season) and get our house organized before the in-laws invade on the 17th.

I had a really bizarre dream the other night that involved my first boyfriend visiting out of now where and proclaiming his undying love for me, in spite of my being married to Mike and not having seen this ex for the past 11 years. Isn't it weird how people like this have a weird way of creeping back into your life? This guy put me through a ton of crap.  I thought he was my first "true love." He gave me my first broken heart. As a matter of fact, he gave me more than that, if you get my drift....

So why the hell was I dreaming about him after all these years? My guess is Facebook. I spent awhile looking at pages belonging to people I went to high school with before I went to bed. I have no idea why since I hated 90% of them. Nearly all of them are married and have at least one kid.  The only ones without kids are the newlyweds and I'm sure they'll be popping them out before you can say "the condom broke." It was actually pretty depressing. When I awoke from my weird dream, I did the logical thing. I looked him up on Facebook. Of course, right? I was so happy when I found a picture of him, looking rather fluffy and with the hairline of a 50 year old man. I literally laughed out loud. Talk about gratification!

So...have any of you read The Baby Trail yet? Do it!  I'm reading another book now called "Every Drunken Cheerleader...Why Not Me?"   It's pretty good so far but I'm not enjoying it nearly as much as The Baby Trail. I still haven't heard of any personal laparoscopy experiences from any of my readers. Please share, if you have one!   Other than that, I hope everyone is having a Happy Shark Week! :)