Dec 21, 2010
I Realized Something Horrible Today.
Something horrible. If I don't get pregnant in the next six months, there is a very good chance that Mike will not be here for the birth of a baby. He will be in the dreaded A-stan. =(
Dec 20, 2010
What a Shocker
AF just came so I called the IF clinic to schedule my hysteroscopy. No surprise but they can't get me in this month. What a shock. =(
Mike and I are going to make an appointment with the Tricare office on post next week to discuss switching our insurance so that we can start seeing a civilian RE. I'm tired of dealing with the IF clinic on post. As if the IF roller coaster wasn't enough, a shitty RE's office make it 1000 times worse.
Does anyone have any experience with Tricare Standard? Any advice?
Mike and I are going to make an appointment with the Tricare office on post next week to discuss switching our insurance so that we can start seeing a civilian RE. I'm tired of dealing with the IF clinic on post. As if the IF roller coaster wasn't enough, a shitty RE's office make it 1000 times worse.
Does anyone have any experience with Tricare Standard? Any advice?
Double You Tee Eff.
I am so beyond frustrated with the IF clinic at Madigan. On December 6 Mike and I had a followup appointment with the RE. This was the "HSG followup appointment" from when I had my HSG IN OCTOBER!
After waiting almost an hour past our scheduled appointment time we finally got called back. The resident doc came in and asked me what I knew so far and I said that the techs told me my HSG was all clear. She told me that they were wrong. Actually, she said "Well, they lied." How sensitive. My TUBES are clear but the HSG revealed a mass in my uterus, right near my cervix. She said it looks like scar tissue but she can't be sure because she's never seen anything like it. It is puzzling though because there is no reason for me to have scar tissue since I've never had a miscarriage or D&C or anything like that. Next step is to have a hysteroscopy next cycle for them to take a look. She said there's a 30% chance they won't find anything but if they do I will need to have a laproscopy to remove whatever they find. So the preliminary diagnosis is a uterine septum. I was happy to to finally have a preliminary diagnosis but it was still pretty upsetting.
On 8 December I called the IF clinic because I wanted to ask some questions and find out exactly what the radiologist's report said. A nurse called me back and I asked her what the radiologist report said and she said they think I have a small polyp or fibroid. They still want to do the hysteroscopy to take a better look at things. I said, "okay...well the doc said she'd never seen anything like it so that had me concerned." The nurse said "oh no...we see things like this all the time. we just want to take a better look at it and it's possible it will go away with your next cycle. " So I said, "okay well she was talking about a uterine septum." She said "No, it's nothing like that."
I hate Army doctors. WHY didn't someone call me sooner? As in some time between October 31 and December 6. That would have been nice.They were totally going to let me start Clomid last month had it not been for my trip out of state. Idiots!
So...that's where we are. According to the doctor, I have some 'never-before-seen' unknown mass in my uterus that could be preventing me from getting pregnant. According to the nurse I could possibly have a small polyp or fibroid. Either way, I still get to let these people, who I have TOTAL faith in (note sarcasm) shove a camera where no man has gone before. Merry Christmas, Megan!
After waiting almost an hour past our scheduled appointment time we finally got called back. The resident doc came in and asked me what I knew so far and I said that the techs told me my HSG was all clear. She told me that they were wrong. Actually, she said "Well, they lied." How sensitive. My TUBES are clear but the HSG revealed a mass in my uterus, right near my cervix. She said it looks like scar tissue but she can't be sure because she's never seen anything like it. It is puzzling though because there is no reason for me to have scar tissue since I've never had a miscarriage or D&C or anything like that. Next step is to have a hysteroscopy next cycle for them to take a look. She said there's a 30% chance they won't find anything but if they do I will need to have a laproscopy to remove whatever they find. So the preliminary diagnosis is a uterine septum. I was happy to to finally have a preliminary diagnosis but it was still pretty upsetting.
On 8 December I called the IF clinic because I wanted to ask some questions and find out exactly what the radiologist's report said. A nurse called me back and I asked her what the radiologist report said and she said they think I have a small polyp or fibroid. They still want to do the hysteroscopy to take a better look at things. I said, "okay...well the doc said she'd never seen anything like it so that had me concerned." The nurse said "oh no...we see things like this all the time. we just want to take a better look at it and it's possible it will go away with your next cycle. " So I said, "okay well she was talking about a uterine septum." She said "No, it's nothing like that."
I hate Army doctors. WHY didn't someone call me sooner? As in some time between October 31 and December 6. That would have been nice.They were totally going to let me start Clomid last month had it not been for my trip out of state. Idiots!
So...that's where we are. According to the doctor, I have some 'never-before-seen' unknown mass in my uterus that could be preventing me from getting pregnant. According to the nurse I could possibly have a small polyp or fibroid. Either way, I still get to let these people, who I have TOTAL faith in (note sarcasm) shove a camera where no man has gone before. Merry Christmas, Megan!
Nov 2, 2010
Not this month!
Okay, they are going to let me start the clomid without a followup appointment with the RE but I'm running into problems since I am going out of state for the holiday. They are telling me I should probably just wait another month before starting Clomid, especially since it is my first cycle. She asked me if there was a reason I was so determined to start Clomid next month and I explained to her that we were just anxious because we had already been trying so long. I felt pretty stupid when I was explaining my reasoning--like a crazy infertile unmyrtle. :(
According to FF my period is supposed to start on 25 November. I am flying out of state on November 24th. The RE requires me to take a pregnancy test on CD1 so I was thinking about fibbing a little and going on the 23rd before I leave. I would have to call the RE's office and tell them that I started my period and then they will put in the Rx for the Clomid at the same time that they put in the order for the pregnancy test. Obviously I wouldn't actually start the clomid until I have full red flow but they have to cover their butts, I guess. The only issue now is that I have to be here to do an u/s on CD 12 and if I tell them that CD1 is the 23rd then that messes up the timing for my CD12 u/s since I will be out of state. Confused yet? :)
So yeah...it looks like I have to wait another month. :( Maybe I'll get that ever illusive post-HSG BFP this month. Here's hoping!
According to FF my period is supposed to start on 25 November. I am flying out of state on November 24th. The RE requires me to take a pregnancy test on CD1 so I was thinking about fibbing a little and going on the 23rd before I leave. I would have to call the RE's office and tell them that I started my period and then they will put in the Rx for the Clomid at the same time that they put in the order for the pregnancy test. Obviously I wouldn't actually start the clomid until I have full red flow but they have to cover their butts, I guess. The only issue now is that I have to be here to do an u/s on CD 12 and if I tell them that CD1 is the 23rd then that messes up the timing for my CD12 u/s since I will be out of state. Confused yet? :)
So yeah...it looks like I have to wait another month. :( Maybe I'll get that ever illusive post-HSG BFP this month. Here's hoping!
Oct 29, 2010
Out of the IF Closet!
I'll be leaving in a few hours for my HSG. I'm really nervous--not necessarily about the procedure but more about receiving bad news.
I came out on Facebook this morning. This is HUGE for me. If you've been reading my blog long you know that being in the infertility closet is something I have been struggling with for a long time.
See More My status was up for about an hour before I received my first "just relax" comment which I deleted too hastily out of anger. I should have left it up and responded with something snarky. Seriously--TWENTY-TWO MONTHS OF TRYING and you're going to tell me to RELAX? Luckily I have received a lot of positive feedback which makes me feel great.
I came out on Facebook this morning. This is HUGE for me. If you've been reading my blog long you know that being in the infertility closet is something I have been struggling with for a long time.
***** is tired of suffering in silence and is coming out of the infertility closet. After 22 months of trying to become parents, Mike and I pursuing fertility treatments. Today I am having some testing done and am praying for good results. I promise to spare you the gritty details of our journey and the goings-on of our rep...roductive organs but as for your prayers and support as we get through this! ♥ Disclaimer: Please read the following article before commenting.
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
I can't wait for this test to be over and to have a great Halloween weekend. Last year sucked--I was mourning the loss of my kitters, Prince, and I had swine flu. The year before that I sat in a dark house hiding from trick-or-treaters while Mike was in Iraq. This year....we will party like Seattleites.
Oct 22, 2010
HSG Scheduled
I was so afraid to make the phone call to schedule my HSG for fear of being told "Sorry, we have no availability" for the second month in a row. BUT next Friday, the 29th at 1:30 I will have my HSG! Thursday I have to go in for a pregnancy test and start some antibiotics. I should have the results by Tuesday. If it comes back all clear then I will start clomid on the next cycle!
Fertility drugs and a trip to Walt Disney World...not sure how those who will mix.
It's a crazy feeling. FINALLY knowing that we are taking steps toward having a family of our own. It's so exciting!
Fertility drugs and a trip to Walt Disney World...not sure how those who will mix.
It's a crazy feeling. FINALLY knowing that we are taking steps toward having a family of our own. It's so exciting!
Oct 6, 2010
Emotions.
Do you have any idea what it's like to feel so happy for someone else while at the same time be completely sad for yourself?
This is how I felt when I received these pictures from Mike, who is still TDY to Fort Drum. Friends of ours had their second baby while he was there and he got to see her when she was a few days old. These pictures made me cry. Mike had a difficult time seeing her and he said it was hard. He's such a macho man that I forget how muchour my our infertility hurts him too. I can't wait for the time to come when I'll be able to share pictures of Mike holding our own baby.
This is how I felt when I received these pictures from Mike, who is still TDY to Fort Drum. Friends of ours had their second baby while he was there and he got to see her when she was a few days old. These pictures made me cry. Mike had a difficult time seeing her and he said it was hard. He's such a macho man that I forget how much
Sep 29, 2010
Hello Cycle 20.
I'm sitting here crying right now. My temp dropped this morning and I have light flow. The ONLY reason I was okay with getting my period this month is because I knew I could call to schedule the HSG.
I called the IF clinic and she said because of the holiday weekend (i.e. post wide training holiday) they are only doing the procedures one day next week and they're completely booked. The first available appointment is Oct 12, which is passed the window of opportunity for this month. That means I have to wait another month to have my HSG. I am so disappointed and frustrated. I felt so hopeful for next cycle and the wind has just been completely knocked out of my sails. I know I am fortunate to receive free healthcare but working around the Army's schedule just sucks!
What's to say that there won't be another training holiday in November and so on and so forth? Ugh. I feel so let down.
Hello cycle 20. =(
I called the IF clinic and she said because of the holiday weekend (i.e. post wide training holiday) they are only doing the procedures one day next week and they're completely booked. The first available appointment is Oct 12, which is passed the window of opportunity for this month. That means I have to wait another month to have my HSG. I am so disappointed and frustrated. I felt so hopeful for next cycle and the wind has just been completely knocked out of my sails. I know I am fortunate to receive free healthcare but working around the Army's schedule just sucks!
What's to say that there won't be another training holiday in November and so on and so forth? Ugh. I feel so let down.
Hello cycle 20. =(
Sep 20, 2010
First RE Visit
I arrived at MAMC (the hospital on Lewis) and, as usual, it was jam packed. I parked in the first spot I could find--which happened to be the second to last furthest one away from the hospital. I practically run inside since I only have 15 minutes until my appointment is supposed to start. I went in the door that I always go in and ask the little retiree in the red vest if he could please direct me to the infertility clinic? He tells me it's in the main part of the hospital and that I have to go all the way down a hallway, make a left, and take the elevator to the third floor. Again, I practically start running. I get on the elevator and get off on the third floor--there are no hallways or desks or anything, just a maintenance closet. I get back on the elevator and ask a nurse if he could tell me where the IF clinic is...he doesn't know. I ask a Resident and she can't help me either because she hasn't had a 3rd floor rotation yet. I get on a different elevator and just start walking around on the 3rd floor until I find a sign--"Infertility THAT WAY." I finally found the check in desk at 1328--my appointment was scheduled for 1330. It's a damn good thing I have long legs or I would have never made it!
I got called back by a nurse pretty quickly which was great because I was worried about waiting 2+ hours the way Mike and I did for his ortho appointment. I waited a few minutes until two residents (2LTs) came in the room to take my history. Sometimes I really dislike being seen at a teaching hospital. He sat down and said, "Tell me about your history." I'm pretty sure it was like opening the gates for a race horse--I unloaded and probably talked for 5 minutes straight without letting him get a word in. :) I'm not sure if I intimidated him or what but when I handed him my charts and said, "See? I ovulate on my own and I'm just not getting pregnant!" he looked at my charts with a confused face and immediately handed them back to me. Okay...thanks. I'm so glad I took 20 minutes of my time this morning to print all of these out for you to not even look at. Maybe it's because he's suprised that I had already been charting--I know that is one of the first things they will counsel a couple on upon arrival in their clinic. They will suggest charting and intercourse timing before testing so luckily we get to bypass that step. The other annoying thing was that he asked me the same exact questions I had to fill out on the IF Clinic Intake Form--sexual history, medical history, periods, past pregnancies, etc. Mike and I filled it out together before he went TDY. If they're not going to read it, why did they make me fill it out? When he asked if we drank alcohol I replied, "Well...it is football season." :)After taking my history they went to talk to the doctor and they decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. Luckily I had already, ahem, prepared for this possibility and made sure everything was nice and groomed.
I really liked that Dr. C explained everything to me as he was performing the ultrasound. He took some measurements of my ovaries, told me that I probably ovulated from my right side this month, and that everything appears to be normal. There is some fluid surrounding my uterus which he says they will keep an eye on but is nothing to be overly concerned about. I asked him about having blood work done and he said that the blood panel requested by my OB/GYN (in June after the ovarian cyst was discovered) showed normal hormone levels. I asked him if it mattered that the blood was drawn at a random point in my cycle and he said no because everything was within normal ranges. He said there may be a need in the future for CD3 and CD21 blood work but they are not ordering it at this time.
The next step is to wait for my period to start and then call to schedule an HSG--the test where a catheter is used to inject dye into my fallopian tubes to check for blockages. Obviously we need to make sure I am not pregnant before doing this test so I get to play the waiting game for a few weeks. If that comes back all clear, Dr. C said we will discuss trying out some treatments/drugs to stimulate follicle growth in order to increase our chances of achieving pregnancy! That's the game plan for now! I'm glad to finally have the ball rolling and now I can move on to stressing about the HSG. Ha.
I got called back by a nurse pretty quickly which was great because I was worried about waiting 2+ hours the way Mike and I did for his ortho appointment. I waited a few minutes until two residents (2LTs) came in the room to take my history. Sometimes I really dislike being seen at a teaching hospital. He sat down and said, "Tell me about your history." I'm pretty sure it was like opening the gates for a race horse--I unloaded and probably talked for 5 minutes straight without letting him get a word in. :) I'm not sure if I intimidated him or what but when I handed him my charts and said, "See? I ovulate on my own and I'm just not getting pregnant!" he looked at my charts with a confused face and immediately handed them back to me. Okay...thanks. I'm so glad I took 20 minutes of my time this morning to print all of these out for you to not even look at. Maybe it's because he's suprised that I had already been charting--I know that is one of the first things they will counsel a couple on upon arrival in their clinic. They will suggest charting and intercourse timing before testing so luckily we get to bypass that step. The other annoying thing was that he asked me the same exact questions I had to fill out on the IF Clinic Intake Form--sexual history, medical history, periods, past pregnancies, etc. Mike and I filled it out together before he went TDY. If they're not going to read it, why did they make me fill it out? When he asked if we drank alcohol I replied, "Well...it is football season." :)After taking my history they went to talk to the doctor and they decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. Luckily I had already, ahem, prepared for this possibility and made sure everything was nice and groomed.
I really liked that Dr. C explained everything to me as he was performing the ultrasound. He took some measurements of my ovaries, told me that I probably ovulated from my right side this month, and that everything appears to be normal. There is some fluid surrounding my uterus which he says they will keep an eye on but is nothing to be overly concerned about. I asked him about having blood work done and he said that the blood panel requested by my OB/GYN (in June after the ovarian cyst was discovered) showed normal hormone levels. I asked him if it mattered that the blood was drawn at a random point in my cycle and he said no because everything was within normal ranges. He said there may be a need in the future for CD3 and CD21 blood work but they are not ordering it at this time.
The next step is to wait for my period to start and then call to schedule an HSG--the test where a catheter is used to inject dye into my fallopian tubes to check for blockages. Obviously we need to make sure I am not pregnant before doing this test so I get to play the waiting game for a few weeks. If that comes back all clear, Dr. C said we will discuss trying out some treatments/drugs to stimulate follicle growth in order to increase our chances of achieving pregnancy! That's the game plan for now! I'm glad to finally have the ball rolling and now I can move on to stressing about the HSG. Ha.
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| The torture chamber. |
Sep 19, 2010
Think of Me!
I've spent the last hour trying to find a witty, inspirational quote that could pertain to infertility and uplift my spirits in preparation for tomorrow. I hope that I am able to keep it together and don't turn into a big bag of tears when I start talking to the doctor. I ask that you, the people I affectionately call my stalkers, say a prayer for me tomorrow. It's a big day for us and I keep thinking that this day could change my life forever. Thanks in advance!
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. -Martin Luther King, Jr.
Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do.-Pope John XXIII
We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. -John F. Kennedy
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. -Martin Luther King, Jr.
Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do.-Pope John XXIII
We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. -John F. Kennedy
Sep 17, 2010
Teddy Bear in a Punk Rock Suit
Every now and then Mike wows me and absolutely knocks me off my feet. Today he did it twice.
I told him that I've been reading that most husbands have not been allowed in the room during their wife's HSG because it is kind of a surgical procedure. It sucks because I'm really nervous about it and it will most likely be painful. He said, "Well then I'm just going to have to see if they'll let me wear scrubs or something so I can go in with you." What a guy!
A few weeks ago he told me about a dream he had. A little boy came up to him and grabbed hold of his leg and said to a girl a little older than him, "Haha. Can't catch me! Daddy is home base!" Talk about inducing a flow of tears! Anyway, after having dinner with some of our friends and their three year old in NY Mike started talking about how he won't be able to tell his little girl no. He plans to be completely wrapped around her little finger. Big, tattooed, scary Mike. I always said he was my teddy bear in a punk rock suit.
I told him that I've been reading that most husbands have not been allowed in the room during their wife's HSG because it is kind of a surgical procedure. It sucks because I'm really nervous about it and it will most likely be painful. He said, "Well then I'm just going to have to see if they'll let me wear scrubs or something so I can go in with you." What a guy!
A few weeks ago he told me about a dream he had. A little boy came up to him and grabbed hold of his leg and said to a girl a little older than him, "Haha. Can't catch me! Daddy is home base!" Talk about inducing a flow of tears! Anyway, after having dinner with some of our friends and their three year old in NY Mike started talking about how he won't be able to tell his little girl no. He plans to be completely wrapped around her little finger. Big, tattooed, scary Mike. I always said he was my teddy bear in a punk rock suit.
Sep 16, 2010
It's Real
Well Mike had to leave this morning at 0230 to go TDY to Fort Drum so yesterday evening we filled out the packet for the Infertility Clinic together. I'm sure I'll be a nervous wreck on Monday but I am actually starting to get excited. I don't expect to get answers on Monday but at least we will have a plan of action that will put us one step closer to becoming parents!
Sep 15, 2010
Dear TLC
I saw this on the "999 reasons to Laugh at Infertility" blog and loved it so much I thought I would share!
Dear TLC ...
Sep. 10, 2010
a blog by Infertile Naomi, September 10, 2010
Dear TLC,
I am a big fan of your network and enjoy many of your programs. However, as a woman experiencing infertility, I kindly request that you think about changing some of the names of your shows.
Show Title: Quint By Surprise
A story about Casey and Ethan Jones who wanted to add one more baby to their family and were thrilled with their fertility treatment resulted in quintuplets. I would understand if the couple had not done fertility treatments and — surprise — you have five babies. Now, that’s a surprise. But when you have multiple eggs, sometimes you get multiple children. Where’s the surprise?
Better Title: Surprise! Your Fertility Treatment Actually Worked this Time!
Show Title: 19 Kids and Counting
The story of the Duggar family, who can procreate at the drop of a hat and have named all their kids starting with the letter J. Please stop procreating already. While some of us can’t even seem to have one, you are already blessed with so many children. Perhaps Michelle Duggar can offer to become a surrogate for the rest of us infertile folks? She is a human fertility machine.
Better Title: 19 Kids. Please Stop Procreating
Show Title: I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant is a series that reveals the astonishing stories of women who conceive and carry their babies all the way to labor and delivery with no idea that they were ever pregnant. Meet Lilah, a 35 year old woman who thought she had gained 30 pounds from too many donuts. Meet Cheryl, a 20 year old, who went to the hospital for a stomach ache and came home with twins. And, 29-year-old April thinks she has food poisoning, but it turns out it wasn’t bad barbecue, it was a baby.
Better Title: I Didn’t Know I Could Be This Dumb
Here are some of my other suggestions for future, more realistic, TLC programming …
Show Title: Why Didn’t IVF Work on the First Attempt?
A story of women who spend thousands of dollars on in vitro fertilization, but the sperm and egg refused to fertilize.
Show Title: I Am a Fertility Drug Addict
The story of five women getting high on Clomid and fertility injections.
Show Title: I Haven’t Ovulated Since 1980
The story of women dealing with PCOS who haven’t seen their menstrual cycles since the TV show Family Ties went off the air.
And although I do enjoy all your pregnancy and baby-themed programming, I suggest that you think about putting an additional infertility warning before the show. Instead of “This program may contain material unsuitable for children,” change to “This program may cause tears and heartache for any couples dealing with infertility.”
Just a thought.
Thank you for taking some of my suggestions into consideration.
Sincerely,
Infertile Naomi
Blogger of ‘999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
She did actually submit this to TLC!
Hi My Lovely Readers,
Yes. I did send it to TLC and they responded saying they are passing it along to someone else. I have also been in email contact with Ethan (the dad from Quints by Surprise) who agreed that the name of the show wasn't his choice. They actually seem like a great family so I will probably watch the show :)
-Naomi xoxo
Love it. :) In other news, I just got off the phone with the infertility clinic and they said it's okay if Mike can't come with me to the appointment--mostly because their next available appointment is in NOVEMBER. It helps that he's already done the s/a and seen the urologist so now the focus will be turned to me. I'll have a visit with the dildo cam, we'll go over fertility history, and we'll come up with a game plan. I'm filled with mixed emotions. Anticipation...It's not like I'm going to walk out of the IF clinic and immediately have a baby bump. Anxiety...no one likes talking about their sexual history. Fear...what if I get bad news? Sadness...I never wanted to have to go to an IF clinic. Excitement...hopefully we're getting closer to holding a baby in our arms!
That's all for now. Mike's leaving for Fort Drum tomorrow and I've got a bunch of sewing to do today! Happy Hump Day everyone!
Sep 14, 2010
Hating the Army Right Now
Mike's leaving to go TDY to Fort Drum on Thursday. He will not be here for our RE appointment on Monday and I feel like a stupid girl because I started crying about it. I said to him, "Well, you don't really need to go anyway because we know there's nothing wrong with you." He feels horrible that he can't go for support.
I never thought I'd have to step foot into an infertility clinic and now I have to do it alone.
I never thought I'd have to step foot into an infertility clinic and now I have to do it alone.
Sep 9, 2010
Here Come the Irish!
Last weekend we went up to Rick and Colleen's (my sister-in-law's parents') house on Lake Cavanaugh--about 1.5 hours north of Seattle. We went there in July and it is so pretty up there! The weather wasn't nearly as nice this time so we spent a lot of time indoors. Saturday we watched the Notre Dame vs Purdue game. I have to say--it was pretty freaking awesome to watch the Irish on a big ass screen while sitting in first class airplane seats!
After the game we went outside for some volleyball. Shawn, Rick, and I against everyone else.
It was a fun weekend away from real life and Mike was able to enjoy himself a lot more this time--he even played a little badminton. Zero and Bailey had a blast chasing the chipmunks and squirrels and were exhausted at the end of every day. It was great to escape for a few days. This weekend we will probably take it easy since Mike's had a rough week at work--downed aircraft phone calls at 0100 are never fun. It's also the ND vs Michigan game and you know what that means!!! MUCK FICHIGAN!!!
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| Watching the Irish in the theater room |
After the game we went outside for some volleyball. Shawn, Rick, and I against everyone else.
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| Look, Mom! Megan's still got ups! |
It was a fun weekend away from real life and Mike was able to enjoy himself a lot more this time--he even played a little badminton. Zero and Bailey had a blast chasing the chipmunks and squirrels and were exhausted at the end of every day. It was great to escape for a few days. This weekend we will probably take it easy since Mike's had a rough week at work--downed aircraft phone calls at 0100 are never fun. It's also the ND vs Michigan game and you know what that means!!! MUCK FICHIGAN!!!
Sep 3, 2010
Terrified.
For months and months all I've wanted to do was see a doctor who would listen to our concerns about why I am not getting pregnant. Now, as I watch my ticker get closer and closer to the date of our first RE appointment I feel myself getting anxious and down right terrified. What if we don't get good news? What if we find out that I'll never be a mom? What if we find out that the only way we can have a child is through IVF...and we'll never be able to afford it? What if they tell us that we're young and we shouldn't worry?
I feel like everyone around me has kids or is pregnant or is trying to get pregnant. My brother and SIL in Seattle are TTC and I'm just waiting for the visit where we find out she's expecting. After I hug and congratulate them I know I will be excusing myself to go into the bathroom for a good cry. They don't know what is going on with us. When another member of the family was getting ready to give birth we all received an email about our SIL being % effaced and % dilated. Shawn commented that it was more than he ever wanted to know about his SIL so I can't imagine he wants to know about his baby sister's ovaries, my transvaginal ultrasounds and Mike's semen analyses. Ha.
I need to relax. I need to not be so consumed by what I don't have that I miss out on what I do have. It's so hard.
Mike and I are heading up to Lake Cavanaugh this weekend with Shawn and Shannon (my brother and SIL) so hopefully it will help get my mind of things. Family, friends, kickoff for Notre Dame, Oktoberfest Beer, a few Strongbow, yummy Vegan cooking (compliments of my SIL) and a beautiful lake house in the mountains. Sounds like an awesome weekend, right? Let's hope so. It's supposed to rain this weekend but hopefully we'll see the sun and Zero can go swimming! I hope all of you have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend as well!
I feel like everyone around me has kids or is pregnant or is trying to get pregnant. My brother and SIL in Seattle are TTC and I'm just waiting for the visit where we find out she's expecting. After I hug and congratulate them I know I will be excusing myself to go into the bathroom for a good cry. They don't know what is going on with us. When another member of the family was getting ready to give birth we all received an email about our SIL being % effaced and % dilated. Shawn commented that it was more than he ever wanted to know about his SIL so I can't imagine he wants to know about his baby sister's ovaries, my transvaginal ultrasounds and Mike's semen analyses. Ha.
I need to relax. I need to not be so consumed by what I don't have that I miss out on what I do have. It's so hard.
Mike and I are heading up to Lake Cavanaugh this weekend with Shawn and Shannon (my brother and SIL) so hopefully it will help get my mind of things. Family, friends, kickoff for Notre Dame, Oktoberfest Beer, a few Strongbow, yummy Vegan cooking (compliments of my SIL) and a beautiful lake house in the mountains. Sounds like an awesome weekend, right? Let's hope so. It's supposed to rain this weekend but hopefully we'll see the sun and Zero can go swimming! I hope all of you have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend as well!
Sep 2, 2010
Urology
Mike and I are beginning to feel like we should just move into MAMC on post! We are going there for so many appointments anyway, might as well move in!
Today was Mike's urology consult. His flight surgeon, Doc Adam, was nice enough to get the ball rolling for us after the two s/a's and Mike's blood work up.
We arrived at the hospital and in good ole Army fashion--we waited. While we were waiting Mike's phone kept vibrating with texts from work--NCOIC stuff and they needed him there. Not knowing what kind of doctor appointment Mike was at one of the guys texted, "Be sure to have the doc examine your prostate." I laughed.
We sat in the treatment room for about 40 minutes before someone came in. CPT B, a urology resident (remember MAMC is a teaching hospital) who asked Mike some questions like when he started puberty, if he was exposed to any toxins at work, if he frequently used hot tubs, had we tried timed intercourse, if we used any lubricants, etc. Then he said, "Okay. Well I'm going to have to examine your genitals." I had to keep myself from yelling, "I told you so!" to Mike because he insisted that the urology "consult" was only going to consist of talking. He didn't want to listen to me even though he knows I've always got my nose in some book about infertility. He got a taste of what it's like to be a woman and have to endure the GYN exams.
So Mike drops his pants and the doctor examines him. Then the doctor says, "Okay, I'm going to do a rectal exam now." Without hesitation Mike responded, "FUCK ME! Oh, sorry sir." It was all I could do to keep from laughing. Mike apologized to him again for freaking out but CPT B assured him it happened all the time.
CPT B left the room and said he'd be back with LTC B, the head of the urology department and the IF specialist, in just a few minutes. We waited another half an hour but at least we had something to talk about. Mike's first comment? "I deserve ice cream now. I feel so violated."
LTC B came in the room and asked us how long we had been TTC. We told her 19 months and explained the timing because of the deployment. I told her that I chart my BBT and also use OPKs and then she examined Mike. She found no varicocele or anything else in the physical exam that was cause for concern, which was great news. She also went over everything from the semen analyses and blood work.
12 July S/A
Volume 3.0
Count: 53 million
Motility: 43%
Morphology: 47%
12 Aug S/A
Volume: 2.5
Count: 89 million
Motility: 40%
Morphology: 69%
FSH and LH results were completely normal so there was no need to test his testosterone levels.
She said that even the motillity is a little low it is nothing to be overly concerned about and that based on the results there is no reason we shouldn't conceive. It was really nice that she went over everything with us, including treatments that we may consider in the future, but then it went downhill. She told us that we're young, that we shouldn't stress or feel pressure to have a family, and that we should try for another year. Another year? He could be getting ready to deploy again by then! All I can say is thank GOD we already have an appointment with the RE on the 20th and didn't have to get a referral from HER! She told us "good luck and when it happens we want pictures! Of the baby, I mean." She was a very cool and laid back doctor and I really liked her up until the point she told us we were young and shouldn't worry. Though I guess she was advising us based on Mike's test results. After all, she's not my doctor and knows nothing about my cycles or girly bits.
On our way out of the office Mike said, "Do you have everything? I feel like we left something. Oh I did. My butthole virginity." Haha.
I am a very analytical person and I thought we were going to march into this appointment found out that X was wrong and we need to do Y and Z to fix it. I'm happy that there is nothing wrong with Mike and we are not dealing with MFI but now I feel like our IF is all my fault...and we still don't know what is wrong. :(
Today was Mike's urology consult. His flight surgeon, Doc Adam, was nice enough to get the ball rolling for us after the two s/a's and Mike's blood work up.
We arrived at the hospital and in good ole Army fashion--we waited. While we were waiting Mike's phone kept vibrating with texts from work--NCOIC stuff and they needed him there. Not knowing what kind of doctor appointment Mike was at one of the guys texted, "Be sure to have the doc examine your prostate." I laughed.
We sat in the treatment room for about 40 minutes before someone came in. CPT B, a urology resident (remember MAMC is a teaching hospital) who asked Mike some questions like when he started puberty, if he was exposed to any toxins at work, if he frequently used hot tubs, had we tried timed intercourse, if we used any lubricants, etc. Then he said, "Okay. Well I'm going to have to examine your genitals." I had to keep myself from yelling, "I told you so!" to Mike because he insisted that the urology "consult" was only going to consist of talking. He didn't want to listen to me even though he knows I've always got my nose in some book about infertility. He got a taste of what it's like to be a woman and have to endure the GYN exams.
So Mike drops his pants and the doctor examines him. Then the doctor says, "Okay, I'm going to do a rectal exam now." Without hesitation Mike responded, "FUCK ME! Oh, sorry sir." It was all I could do to keep from laughing. Mike apologized to him again for freaking out but CPT B assured him it happened all the time.
CPT B left the room and said he'd be back with LTC B, the head of the urology department and the IF specialist, in just a few minutes. We waited another half an hour but at least we had something to talk about. Mike's first comment? "I deserve ice cream now. I feel so violated."
LTC B came in the room and asked us how long we had been TTC. We told her 19 months and explained the timing because of the deployment. I told her that I chart my BBT and also use OPKs and then she examined Mike. She found no varicocele or anything else in the physical exam that was cause for concern, which was great news. She also went over everything from the semen analyses and blood work.
12 July S/A
Volume 3.0
Count: 53 million
Motility: 43%
Morphology: 47%
12 Aug S/A
Volume: 2.5
Count: 89 million
Motility: 40%
Morphology: 69%
FSH and LH results were completely normal so there was no need to test his testosterone levels.
She said that even the motillity is a little low it is nothing to be overly concerned about and that based on the results there is no reason we shouldn't conceive. It was really nice that she went over everything with us, including treatments that we may consider in the future, but then it went downhill. She told us that we're young, that we shouldn't stress or feel pressure to have a family, and that we should try for another year. Another year? He could be getting ready to deploy again by then! All I can say is thank GOD we already have an appointment with the RE on the 20th and didn't have to get a referral from HER! She told us "good luck and when it happens we want pictures! Of the baby, I mean." She was a very cool and laid back doctor and I really liked her up until the point she told us we were young and shouldn't worry. Though I guess she was advising us based on Mike's test results. After all, she's not my doctor and knows nothing about my cycles or girly bits.
On our way out of the office Mike said, "Do you have everything? I feel like we left something. Oh I did. My butthole virginity." Haha.
I am a very analytical person and I thought we were going to march into this appointment found out that X was wrong and we need to do Y and Z to fix it. I'm happy that there is nothing wrong with Mike and we are not dealing with MFI but now I feel like our IF is all my fault...and we still don't know what is wrong. :(
Aug 27, 2010
How do I Convince Myself to Click Share?
I have several friends who are struggling with infertility as well. They are internet "strangers" but sometimes I feel like that know my own heart better than many people I know in real life. Today, one of my dear friends posted a beautiful music video on Facebook with an emotional song about wanting to have a child. I've seen it before but it still made me cry. I wanted so badly to click 'share' and post it to my Facebook wall. I want to come out of the Infertility Closet. I want to have the support of my real life friends rather than feeling like we're going through it alone. I don't know what is stopping me. Maybe because I don't want to get unwanted advice---if one more person tells me to "relax and it will happen" I just might go Courtney Love on their ass. Maybe I'm scared because it is so incredibly personal. I don't want pity from anyone and I definitely don't want empathy from someone who had to try a whole three months. I'm in the dreaded two week wait right now and having all my usual phantom symptoms. I'm really struggling today. For my readers who are also struggling with IF--how did you 'come out?' What do you do to not feel so alone?
Aug 20, 2010
Update on Mike's Knee and Swimmers
He had his final PT appointment yesterday and met with the head physical therapist today for a consult. His knee has gotten worse! The muscles in his leg have weakened since he injured himself so I can only imagine how much worse he would be if he hadn't been doing therapy to try to maintain the strength. The therapist wants him to wean himself off the crutches. Insanity! Mike feels like his leg is going to buckle underneath him. He's supposed to start with one crutch and then go to a cane.
Since he doesn't see the orthopedic surgeon until the 31st and he doens't have a surgery date yet they want him to continue PT. He now goes twice a week in addition to pool PT twice a week. Poor guy has to do PT four days a week now!
We also got the results for Mike's second semen analysis. s/a #1 showed that everything was great except the "viability." Mike had 38% viability according to my OB/GYN and I had a hell of a time figuring out what that meant.
According to Mike's doctor:
Mike's count was 50 million
Morphology is great
Mike's motility was only 37% so now I'm wondering if what my OB/GYN meant was motility and not viability.
Mike's doc said that the results are pretty much the same as the first time so that leads me to believe my doctor was wrong in telling me the viability was low. So I said to Mike, "So only 38% of your sperm are moving in the right direction?" He said "Yup. The rest are stupid. They're probably the girl ones." I responded, "Yeah right. I bet the boys are the stupid ones." Mike said, "Yeah you're right. They're probably too busy comparing the size of their tails." Hahaha!
Anyway, his doctor asked Mike if I had been tested and he said yes and that's why he was being tested. I guess he mentioned our referral to the IF so he ordered a consult and a blood work up for Mike which he is supposed to do today.
According to logic and reasoning (and the math of my trusty science geek friend) 38% of 50 million is a lot better than 38% of 'normal' which is 40 million. They like to see 50% motility= 20 million. 38% of 50 million= 19 million which means Mike is just slightly below normal. So while his s/a came back a little low it's not a huge red flag and we still don't know why, after 18 cycles, I'm still not pregnant.
Mike's grandma will be here in a few hours and I hope they have a nice visit even though Mike's SCO just told them that key personnel have to show up for work tomorrow--including QC. What am I going to do with his grandparents for two days? Gah
Since he doesn't see the orthopedic surgeon until the 31st and he doens't have a surgery date yet they want him to continue PT. He now goes twice a week in addition to pool PT twice a week. Poor guy has to do PT four days a week now!
We also got the results for Mike's second semen analysis. s/a #1 showed that everything was great except the "viability." Mike had 38% viability according to my OB/GYN and I had a hell of a time figuring out what that meant.
According to Mike's doctor:
Mike's count was 50 million
Morphology is great
Mike's motility was only 37% so now I'm wondering if what my OB/GYN meant was motility and not viability.
Mike's doc said that the results are pretty much the same as the first time so that leads me to believe my doctor was wrong in telling me the viability was low. So I said to Mike, "So only 38% of your sperm are moving in the right direction?" He said "Yup. The rest are stupid. They're probably the girl ones." I responded, "Yeah right. I bet the boys are the stupid ones." Mike said, "Yeah you're right. They're probably too busy comparing the size of their tails." Hahaha!
Anyway, his doctor asked Mike if I had been tested and he said yes and that's why he was being tested. I guess he mentioned our referral to the IF so he ordered a consult and a blood work up for Mike which he is supposed to do today.
According to logic and reasoning (and the math of my trusty science geek friend) 38% of 50 million is a lot better than 38% of 'normal' which is 40 million. They like to see 50% motility= 20 million. 38% of 50 million= 19 million which means Mike is just slightly below normal. So while his s/a came back a little low it's not a huge red flag and we still don't know why, after 18 cycles, I'm still not pregnant.
Mike's grandma will be here in a few hours and I hope they have a nice visit even though Mike's SCO just told them that key personnel have to show up for work tomorrow--including QC. What am I going to do with his grandparents for two days? Gah
Aug 6, 2010
Our Journey to the Infertility Clinic
M and I started TTC in February of 2008. I began charting and using OPKs. Everything was working as it should but I never conceived and when I asked my doctor about it she dismissed me and said, "You're young. You know too much. Relax and it wi;l happen." Yeah, right...
He was deployed to Iraq from October 2008-October 2009 and we began trying again in October of 2009. We had a crazy few months that consisted of a trip to Walt Disney World, the holidays, and our cross-country move from New York to Washington. In March of 2010 I resumed charting and OPKs. After our 12th month of TTC I made an appointment to see my primary doctor in May. I told her how long M and I had been TTC and about my painful periods. She put in an order for a pelvic ultrasound and a referral to an OB/GYN but we were told we had to try for 12 consecutive months before we could get a referral for a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Six weeks later I had the ultrasound and saw the ob/gyn. My u/s came back as abnormal (cyst on my left ovary) and I had to wait another six weeks for the follow up u/s. My bloodwork came back clear and my follow up u/s showed that the cyst was gone.
The IF clinic just called me and they are going to mail us a packet to fill out and we have an appointment on 20 Sep for a consult! We will be in our 19th month of actively TTC. Finally having an appointment with the infertility clinic is very bittersweet. I'm THRILLED I finally got someone to take us seriously and we will hopefully be one step closer to holding a baby in our arms. However, I am sad at the same time. We're infertile. We're infertile. We're infertile while people around us are getting pregnant unplanned and having kids they can not afford to take care of. We're infertile and the sight of pregnant bellies makes me want to cry. I hate infertility and I pray to God that we'll be holding a beautiful baby in our arms by this time next year.
Acronyms you need to know:
TTC= Trying to Conceive
IF= Infertility
MFI= Male Factor Infertility
FF= Fertility Friend
OPK= Ovulation Predictor Kit
RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist
AF= Aunt Flo aka Period
He was deployed to Iraq from October 2008-October 2009 and we began trying again in October of 2009. We had a crazy few months that consisted of a trip to Walt Disney World, the holidays, and our cross-country move from New York to Washington. In March of 2010 I resumed charting and OPKs. After our 12th month of TTC I made an appointment to see my primary doctor in May. I told her how long M and I had been TTC and about my painful periods. She put in an order for a pelvic ultrasound and a referral to an OB/GYN but we were told we had to try for 12 consecutive months before we could get a referral for a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Six weeks later I had the ultrasound and saw the ob/gyn. My u/s came back as abnormal (cyst on my left ovary) and I had to wait another six weeks for the follow up u/s. My bloodwork came back clear and my follow up u/s showed that the cyst was gone.
The IF clinic just called me and they are going to mail us a packet to fill out and we have an appointment on 20 Sep for a consult! We will be in our 19th month of actively TTC. Finally having an appointment with the infertility clinic is very bittersweet. I'm THRILLED I finally got someone to take us seriously and we will hopefully be one step closer to holding a baby in our arms. However, I am sad at the same time. We're infertile. We're infertile. We're infertile while people around us are getting pregnant unplanned and having kids they can not afford to take care of. We're infertile and the sight of pregnant bellies makes me want to cry. I hate infertility and I pray to God that we'll be holding a beautiful baby in our arms by this time next year.
Acronyms you need to know:
TTC= Trying to Conceive
IF= Infertility
MFI= Male Factor Infertility
FF= Fertility Friend
OPK= Ovulation Predictor Kit
RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist
AF= Aunt Flo aka Period